AIBU to ask for a contribution?

[badgerread]

My partner and I don't live togtehr. We both work full time, own our own houses and both have two Dc's. He has 50% care of his and spends the other 50% at mine. He has recently left his job to set up a new firm and is therefore working from (my) home when he is at mine. He currently earns around £17k more than me. The thing is he hasn't contributed or bought any shopping, whether it be groceries, toiletries, anything since he started this new setup 6 weeks ago. I've just text him asking shall I pick up a Chinese on my home for us and the boys but I'm not sure he'll contribute towards it... my shopping bill has gone up a lot in the last 6 weeks as he is basically at mine 50% of the time having three meals a day. Plus shower gel, toothpaste, loo rolls etc. I want to say something but not in a demanding way....

Well done for having the conversation to pin him down.

It's left me wondering why it's you paying (ie not being refunded) for costs he incurs, while he works it out? Is he offering you a share of the business in return for your upfront investment?

Thought not.

I'd still be sending him home to use his own gas/leccy/food etc. You will save much more than £70 a month.

His is taking the piss out of you.

Why can't he work from his own place? Sorry if I missed that.

He should work from his own home until his finances can contribute to your home. It beggars belief he is happy to freeload like this, he's got some front.

£70
you are being taken for a fool OP.
Just over £2 per day for his costs and that includes food.
Stop being taken for a mug, get him working from his own house.

What a piss taking cocklodger!
From £100 to £70?
He's pulling the wool
Over you eyes op. Don't be a mug like I was x

The sad thing is that you are prepared to accept so little from someone (and I don't mean financially).

You are letting him dictate the terms of the relationship. He decides to use your home as work premises. He says his income has reduced so he sponges off you. He has decided that you will use your money to buy a joint house and you will use your money to invest in his business.

And you accept all of this quite meekly really.

What is he going to use to buy in to this business?

Sorry this whole massively piss me off.

If he was on 17k a year more than you how come he has nothing to contribute to the deposit on a joint house? I can't see how if you both run a household with 2 kids in it that he hasn't managed to save anything with his extra 17k, especially when his kids are only there 50% of the time. That's the bit that's worrying to me.

It seems he spends half his time on his own with his kids then half his time with you. Is that right? If so he definitely should be paying something as there's no give and take. Also if he is now at yours literally 50% of his time that MAY have an impact on any benefits you claim (you need to check, I don't know what the criteria is for living together)

Did he speak to you at all before he went self employed and took a 20k wage cut? Did he talk to you about buying into this business? Did you have any say in him working from your house? Is he using your house as a business address? (This has implications for your insurance)

These are the kind of huge decisions that I would expect a couple to at least talk through together, even if their finances are separate. Whatever you do make sure you protect yourself and your kids.

His salary has gone down 20k to what though? And where is the money coming from to buy into the business?
Is your mortgage provider happy with a business being run from your home?

TBH, a lot of people support each other in times like this and help each other out to start new businesses etc. What is concerning is that he seems to have told you this is what is happening rather than discussing and agreeing things with you.

Tell him if he can't afford to give you a more acceptable contribution to the costs of him living at your house for half a week then he should go back to his own house and it's will only cost him the exact costs he incurs.
Hmmm wonder what he would say then. ??
I bet £70 doesn't even cover the food bill let alone heating and electricity all day plus I bet he isn't doing any housework etc.

£70 a month contributions to the family home? (Because that's what he's using it as)

Does he put so little into the place he spends the other half of the month?

Most people on here who post about charging their kids rent charge much more than that.

Man he's right taking the piss isn't he?

Good luck OP.

God this is so miserable. I feel awful for you OP. And what about all the months prior to this that he hasn't contributed anything? You are paying for his company.

This isn't about what he can afford. Why should you subsidise him? While you and your kids miss out?

Is he going to give you any money for the months prior to now?

Can you itemise EVERYTHING from now on so you can SHOW him how much he is costing you?

Sorry, but he's selfish and SHAMELESS. That would be it for me.

Do you love him and have fun with him? If so and therefore you think it's worth subsidising his lifestyle then that's ace. But if all he is doing is taking from you and your children then this is just shocking.

I'd love to know where else he could get rent, bills, electricity, Internet and food for the equivalent of £140 a month!

He should be offering and you should not be asking.

He seems to have forced you to subsidise him without asking first. He didn't think about whether you could afford to support him and it doesn't sound as though he appreciates it particularly. Why not keep your monthly budget/outgoings itemised and stuck on the fridge? That will be a good reminder of who's footing most of his living costs. Maybe, he just hasn't done the sums and has minimised the extra costs you are incurring from having him at your house half the week.

£70.

Fuck that.

I think you need to suggest that he goes back to his own place FT until his finances are sorted and he can contribute properly.

Cheeky fucker

He's bringing home about £1300 per month, right?

How much does his own house cost him to run? He's not paying out maintenance to the kids but he has an empty house half the time so is seeing this as getting something for nothing, and the price you pay is that you get to spend time with him

£70 is a massive insult

Turn the table on him. Ask him if you decided to spend half the week at his house working from home, would he be happy to bank roll you basically living there for free? It might make him think. He's saving a fortune on bills alone, paying for heating and electric for 6 months a year is a lot of cash in his pocket.

Presumably £70 is for the 50% of the month?

Presumably as you have your boys you don't use the petrol travelling to his?

£35pw pp isn't far off what we spend in our household for food and energy bills. Just don't buy wine, takeaways, etc.

You have had the conversation, he can now absorb the practicalities and shape up.... or not!

If you do end up buying together make sure you buy as tenants in common not joint tenants, with your proportion of the equity protected. Every woman with property should do this, IMO.

How much did he apologise? Did he look embarrassed? Did he offer to work at his own place until he can afford to pay his way? How much gratitude did he show for you paying his living expenses for him so he can save up to buy in to a business? Do you get a share in the business?

Did he choose to start up his business now because he knew you would pay his living expenses for him?

You seem scared to upset him. I have this vision of you talking to him, feeling awkward, knowing the conversation was wrong yet feeling like he was running rings round you and somehow agreeing to his frankly insulting offer and to effectively fund his business venture without ever once raising your voice or laying down the law to him. Is that how it was?

£70 is a pittance - is the heating on all day now he's working from your house? Electric for his laptop, recharging his phone etc? Not to mention he'll be claiming use of your home on his tax return!