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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to ask for a contribution?

212 replies

badgerread · 10/03/2017 14:39

My partner and I don't live togtehr. We both work full time, own our own houses and both have two Dc's. He has 50% care of his and spends the other 50% at mine. He has recently left his job to set up a new firm and is therefore working from (my) home when he is at mine. He currently earns around £17k more than me. The thing is he hasn't contributed or bought any shopping, whether it be groceries, toiletries, anything since he started this new setup 6 weeks ago. I've just text him asking shall I pick up a Chinese on my home for us and the boys but I'm not sure he'll contribute towards it... my shopping bill has gone up a lot in the last 6 weeks as he is basically at mine 50% of the time having three meals a day. Plus shower gel, toothpaste, loo rolls etc. I want to say something but not in a demanding way....

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 10/03/2017 22:47

Just say "Are we going to talk about my text today" or if your not ready think about it till tomorrow, have you a figure in your head? Are you prepared to tell him he can no longer work from your home if needs be? Don't do it tonight if your not clear in your head what you want but I wouldn't leave it much longer after tonight

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/03/2017 22:47

PLEASE Do NOT buy a property with this man. You are being taken for a very long ride. Time to stop the car and stand your ground. Good luck OP

HmmOkay · 10/03/2017 22:52

I am furious for you, OP.

You are no way in the wrong here. And you are not a fuckwit. You are a nice good person and he is taking from you. And taking from your children, really. Any spare cash you have should be going towards securing your future and their futures, not subsidising him.

If you talk and he backs down and agrees to cover his own costs (what a hero), he will still expect you to subsidise his next house and his business in the long run.

There is no coming back from this.

HecateAntaia · 10/03/2017 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dowhatnow · 10/03/2017 23:00

just pluck the courage up and ask him about it now, or first thing in the morning.

joell75 · 10/03/2017 23:04

You may also lose your single person discount for council tax? I don't know if having someone living with you half the time counts but it's worth looking into.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/03/2017 23:06

You need to approach him with rough numbers or he'll just argue and bluff his way out of contributing.

Heating, toiletries, food, electricity, etc

It all adds up.

If you can, show the difference in bills since this has started.

Mysteriouscurle · 10/03/2017 23:16

Youre trying to pluck up courage to ask someone who is supposed to care about you if he could actually talk about paying his fair share as he is living completely free at your place half the week? My worry is that he'll tell you it was an oversight that he didnt pay after the once and he's a bit strapped for cash just now but he'll soon start paying again. Then another 2 months down the line youll be even more scared to ask and when you do itll be indignation and how could you go on about something so petty as money. Youll get your money. Except you never will and youll be scared to mention it ever again. Problem solved. For him anyway.

I would suggest that he moves back out until a standing order is set up. And for the record from a friends recent experience £75/week bought a single room in a pretty crappy houseshare. All bills paid but had to buy own food on top of that. Your bf has got a real bargain

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/03/2017 23:27

Being in a relationship for 4.5 years there is no way you should have to "pluck up courage" to broach any subject surely?

Kittencatkins123 · 10/03/2017 23:33

I know you've posted about this because you're going to make a stand. Think how great you'll feel once you have - not feeling like you're having the puss taking out of you.

Honestly this would be an LTB deal breaker for me.

He thinks you owe him a living - fuck this guy. You can do better.

Kittencatkins123 · 10/03/2017 23:33

*piss
Grin

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 11/03/2017 00:17

Wow OP come on, your a clever woman. Ditch him. Just rip the band aid off quickly... before you end up in serious debt with him taking your house too.

notapizzaeater · 11/03/2017 00:22

Why are you scared to mention it - doesn't that tell you something ?

Isetan · 11/03/2017 01:49

Here's a not so gentle slap. Before you have a conversation with him you need to have a conversation with yourself. This dynamic didn't sort of just happen, you enabled it by not having enough confidence or respect for yourself to stand up to someone whose taking the obvious piss. Not only is he is a piss taker, he's pretty slick with it too, see how he stopped the conversation by suggesting you talk rather than text, yet conveniently forgets to restart the conversation. He should write the 'Cocklodgers Guide'.

You need to start judging him by his actions and not by his words, he talks a good talk, like offering to contribute (his incredulity at you asking him to make good on his fake offer, is testimony to him knowing that the offer was nothing more than just talk).

Labelling him as tight, rather than mean is just an excuse for you not to accept him for who he is (I'm sure there's more to him than being a cocklodger but it is particularly significant character trait). His gross sense of entitlement is not just confined to money, the man has semi moved in with you without discussing it, why? Because he believes he's entitled to. I can only imagine how he would manipulate you into putting more capital into a shared home, whilst expecting an equal share.

Subsidising him when he is the greater earner and has less costs is madness and says a lot, not just about him but you as well.
What do you want from a relationship? How do you expect to be treated and more importantly, what are you going to do if those expectations aren't met. Relationship dynamics require contributions from both parties and part of your contribution to your relationship dynamic, is doormat. Own your contribution and if you don't like it, change it because let's be clear, he behaves this way partly because he knows you'll take it. You are an equal shareholder in your relationship, so start acting like it.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, it was a complete shock when I realised that my Ex didn't respect me. I made excuses for poor behaviour and treated poor behaviour as isolated incidents, winch blinded me to the inevitable pattern that ensued. The truth is, I was selective about what I wanted to believe about him because I prized having a relationship, over the quality of the relationship.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 11/03/2017 05:21

Yup. Listen to the actions more then the words.

I'm also intrigued as to how somebody who's earning £17k more then you with fewer expenses has no equity, whereas you have some. I know shit happens n'all, but still...

Anniegetyourgun · 11/03/2017 05:45

Could be to do with him having kids, to be fair. That doesn't excuse the freeloading but it could explain the lack of equity (eg he could have a stake in the former marital home which he can't realise until the youngest is 18, that sort of thing).

The difference between what he and his host are earning is very nearly my entire annual salary btw. And I'm keeping a house, a second adult and two cats on it. If he can't afford to contribute to his running costs he's definitely doing something wrong.

Ellisandra · 11/03/2017 07:39

Agree that after 4.5 years you should be scared to broach anything.

It says everything that despite your text exchange earlier he's come back and ignored it this evening.

She'll soon drop it, he's thinking.

Useful for arseholes like him that so many people find money conversations awkward.Sad

Invest in his business?! No fucking way. You already invested in it - providing premises - and you've had zero investment return on that. It has cost you money.

TreeTop7 · 11/03/2017 07:57

Don't tie up financially with this person. He'll be borrowing against the mortgage and all sorts, it's a massive risk.

At least as things stand you can have a clean break.

Bubspub · 11/03/2017 08:02

This man is incredibly cheeky. I just can't imagine inviting myself to stay somewhere and not contributing. He's got more front than Blackpool pier! OP you sound like a lovely person and he is seriously taking a lend. I can't believe he never offered to buy you all a takeaway given how hospitable you've been, or surely bought gifts or offered pocket money for your boys? It's not your fault, don't beat yourself up, it's just bad luck that he's this way but please put your foot down now. Good luck.

Yeahfine · 11/03/2017 08:03

You mention buying a home together. Are you planning to get married too? What about all the children? Have you discussed how the finances will work when you move in together? You say he has given up his job. How is his new business going, is it viable?

I would say he is relying on you and your home and your bonus to run everything and support him. I'm sure you've worked him out over the last four years and I think you know he is taking the mick.

AyeAmarok · 11/03/2017 08:17

Oh God, reading this, you know exactly what ending you're hurtling towards. Buying a house "together" with all your money, him keeping his money for him for fun stuff, and yours pays towards you, your DC and his costs. You not being able to save anything and him living the life of Riley.

Don't buy a house with him ever until this is sorted.

oldmum22 · 11/03/2017 08:30

Surely if your house is being used by him to "work from home", that will have implications for you with your house insurance and your council tax? I am sorry OP, but you are being used as an ATM. When my DP (now DH) moved in , he paid £200 PER MONTH without fail . Good luck .

dowhatnow · 11/03/2017 08:46

Don't write the bloke off completely yet guys. They both maintain their own homes, they've not moved in together yet. He has offered to contribute and it's only been 6 weeks and there has been the uncertainty and expenses of his new business. Yes generally he earns more but presumably he pays maintenance and pays for his kids when they are with him.
Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't when they get their act together. He's right in that they do need to talk about it rather than text. He should have brought the subject up before now but if it's not at the front of his mind then he may just not have got round to it. It doesn't necessarily mean he won't.

However after saying the above, he does obviously need to contribute. How this pans out will tell you an awful lot about the future with this guy. Make sure that he respects you etc and all the rest that other posters have said. Also look at other aspects of your relationship and make sure they are ok too.If you do end up buying a house together make sure it is done in such a way that your deposit/equity is returned to you in the event of a split.

Angrybird123 · 11/03/2017 09:00

He has his kids 50/50 so no maintenance should be being paid. Bottom line is that he is living in the OP for half the month - she's not asking him for rent but actual costs. Perfectly reasonable.

ofudginghell · 11/03/2017 09:33

There's nothing more undesirable than a tight partner is there Confused
Every now and then dh will make a comment or say something money related that can sound very tight and il just gawp at him and say
Did you really mean to say that?Did you really mean to sound so tight?!!!
The other phrase I use is
God I hate it when I open my mouth and my tight dad comes out don't you Shock

Just calmly say to him let's talk about money then ,get it out of the way and enjoy the rest of your weekend Smile

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