Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

I told him he is being old-fashioned and sounds ridiculous but it's falling on deaf ears. He is right and I am wrong and that's how he sees it. Oh god he actually even said he will turn up at the bar when I least expect it and the guy that i'll be kissing will be put in hospital and then he'll get locked up and it will be all my fault. I actually laughed at how daft that sounds and told him I do not want to kiss other men for the millionth time!! He probably wont speak to me all weekend now unless I say that Im not going to go anymore which I usually end up saying in the end.

I tell DH when I'm going out, purely as a courtesy -nobody tells me I can't go out, I am an adult not a grown up
Run, like the wind & do not look back.

Now that you seem to be waking up.....OP what are you going to do. This guy sounds utterly vile.

ridiculous isn't it that he doesn't trust you and think he owns you/you should do as he says

Ironically he probably loved your independence and confidence when you first met him...

Did you read up about controlling men?

Exactly, I want him to realise how ridiculous he sounds.

I did read the 20 signs of controlling behaviour and I was able to give examples on each sign :/. I do love him though and I am afraid of being on my own.

Going out with university friends next weekend as well as this night you already planned - sounds great.

If it's instead of the planned night out, not so good.

Don't expect to give him a lightbulb moment. If he believes he is right and you are wrong then any ridiculousness he notices he will believe you caused...

Please don't be afraid of being on your own, it's a terrible reason to stay with someone. If you're strong enough to put up with his sh*t for so long then you're definitely strong enough to cope without him and from what you've said in your posts you'll be doing your dd a huge favour by leaving this controlling behaviour.

Don't stay in for the sake of an easy life : that is rewarding bad behaviour. That's more normally advice for dealing with a toddler... But you do have a man-child here. I couldn't be happy with a sulker, but I could probably enjoy the silence while he was giving me the silent treatment...

I know it's easy to say but don't be afraid of being on your own. You were fine on your own before him. He has likely conditioned you to think you can't cope without him. YOU CAN. Every day away from a controlling person sees the you from before return more and more.

What many people wouldn't give to have realised the situation they were in as early as you have and cut their losses and made a better life. You are 22!! Plenty of time to find another man if you want to.

I think universally every person that has ultimately left a controlling/abusive relationship can say one thing 'I wish I had left earlier, I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life on this man'

Sometimes it takes people a long time to realise that they can't 'fix' a man. Especially an abusive/controlling one as his behaviour completely serves his own interests. Why would he change? The longer people stay in these relationships the more they lose themselves until they don't know which way is up.

I wish someone had pointed out to me so early in my marraige. Although I probably wouldn't have believed them and I truly believed I could make him happy and make him see sense and that I was the only one who could help him and 'fix' him. But try to hear people's advice and opinions who have been in your position before so you don't prolongue anything longer than you have to.

You can't fix someone who doesn't want to fix themselves. Don't stay in a relationship where you are not even respected.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? You deserve more out of life. Everyone does. But you are sooo young. The amount of lovely, respectful, funny, smart men available for you is unreal. Don't settle for this. You have one life. Don't let a man tell you how you're going to live it.

You'll totally surprise yourself with being on your own. Far from it being a bad thing to be feared, once you've taken the plunge you'll be AMAZED at the number of times you'll catch yourself doing something, or not doing something perfectly normal, and thinking - omg this would have caused an argument! You'll get used to it very very quickly! It's not always easy as a single parent, but it is INFINITELY preferable to being in a shit relationship. And you're 22! What I wouldn't give get yourself strong, know your boundaries. When you do meet someone - they will be worthy of your time and will bring to your life, not subtract and control.

Exactly, I want him to realise how ridiculous he sounds.

He won't becuase he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. hence your comments to him falling on deaf ears; this is learnt behaviour and impossible to shift. Now he is giving you the silent treatment which is also abusive. He learnt this from one or other of his parents.
You cannot fix him and should not try to do so.

You are not alone anyway because you have a child. Do you want to teach her that this should be acceptable to her as well?. Do not settle for crumbs from this man.

And are you really confusing love with co-dependency here?. Read up on that and see how much of that fits in with you. Has he made you feel that you are nothing without him?. He is a millstone who is dragging you and in turn your child down with him.

Another one here who left an abusive partner like yours and it was wonderful. You've set the bar so high for friends, saying that because a couple of people let you down you will never have friends again, but you accept this git.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has helped you form this idea that it is better not to have friends. My dd had an abusive boyfriend who pointed out every defect in any friend she had until she dropped them all.

Abusers feel the need to isolate you because they know deep down that they are inferior and feel that the only way they can keep you is by being the only person in your life.

Don't be afraid of living on your own. Being a single parent is way way easier than being in an abusive and controlling relationship.

I still relish the moment that I realised I was free 6 years ago. Indescribable really and it got me through the initial tough times.

He is living your life for you at the moment. It's yours, it belongs to you xxx

He is never going to "realise"

Was your night out supposed to be tonight ? And you have already compromised and said you would go next week with friends ? Then you have rolled over again.

And next week? You won't do it then either. Rinse and repeat.

You can reason with him.stbxh was so irrational that I thought if I said things in a different way he might understand.

One lightbulb moment was knowing he did get it, just didn't want to understand.

You are in a controlling relationship and are so young with a life ahead of you.Please don't waste it.

He says he'll just turn up at the bar? I hope you asked who would be watching your child during this little fantasy? if he wants to just turn up anyway, tell him to come with you and you won' make him sing. He's being a twat.

He won't realise op and he won't change. He's controlling and abusive. He's already got you trying to appease him, changing your plans, going straight to the women's section at the gym.
How long before he won't like you going to uni anymore? lots of guys there to be ogling you. Or when your dd is invited to parties or friends house, but other dads might be there.

This isn't a healthy, loving relationship. Think of the example it's setting for your daughter.

I'm going out alone tonight to see a band in a pub. Friends are busy or skint. Dh is working all weekend. Wouldn't dream of asking. I know people in there.

You have a DD. You need to think of her instead of being afraid of being on her own. His attitude will influence her.What happens when she is a teen and wants to go out with friends? It won't be pretty.

Leave him. Live alone. Find your self-confidence again. Do the Freedom Progrmme so you don't end up with another controlling loser like this guy. There is nothing to fix here, nothing to change because as you have said yourself, he is always right.

Oh goodness.

OP, you are me! I have dc, love karaoke and meeting new people but I don't need to turn all of them into brand new friends. I also regularly go out alone, it's fab! No one you feel you have to keep talking to once the conversation has dried up, no one to have to wait for when you want to go!

One crucial difference. My DP couldn't give a rat's ass if I went to karaoke alone. He had a night out on Wednesday, by himself, in a pub chatting to some randomers about football. Crawled in at midnight. He had fun. So do I when I go.

This wouldn't work for everyone, but does for us. You shouldn't be put in the position of listening to this man's crap. He isn't speaking from a genuine place of concern or plain not understanding the appeal of going alone, he is trying to keep you isolated for his own selfish reasons.

What would happen if you had planned to go out with a friend who cancelled last minute when you were already at the pub? Would you be expected to go home immediately because you were 'unsupervised?'

Bollocks to that, that's your night out, stay, have another drink maybe and enjoy yourself if that's what you want. His insecurities should not be your primary decision decider.

Please please, consider your options. And sing every girl power tune at the top of your lungs when you escape!

OP you need to listen to what he is saying.

If he is violent it will be your fault.

How long before the violence is directed at you?

You aren't allowed to live your life. You aren't allowed to have a life. He is manipulating, controlling and suffocating you. You should be free to do what you want - it's not about doing it on his terms. If you do make a friend to go with, he'll only shift the goalposts 'oh I don't trust that friend, she seems selfish/bad influence/untrustworthy' etc etc.

Can you speak to your family at all if you don't have close friends? You need to work out a way out.

you need to listen to what he is saying.

This.

Please listen.

You cannot change his behaviour, only your response to his behaviour.
You cannot change him, only what you are prepared to put up with.

I cannot tell you how much these kind of threads depress me. And how depressing it is that they come up so regularly

I do love him though and I am afraid of being on my own.

You can manage on your own - never doubt that. Why wouldn't you??

And love?? Love is meant to make you feel better, add to your life, lift you up. make you smile from ear to ear, enrich you, make you a better version of yourself. There should be NO walking on eggshells, resentment, unhappy restriction of your activities - a healthy compromise works when both parties work with each other.

You only get to live one life.
You are modelling what is healthy in a relationship to your DD.
You have the power to change things. Or stay. Up to you.

Did you go out OP? Are you ok?

Ilovelamp what do you think?