Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

So not only do we have to put up with on MN and in RL that it's not normal to be a woman and go out by yourself, now it's automatically could be autism based?!
FFS. Maybe in some cases. I'm going to shout now though. I'M NOT AUTISTIC AND I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY AS MUCH AS I DO OTHER PEOPLE'S!
For crying out loud

Amen man! This autism suggesting is becoming mega irritating. not everything needs a label.

Montane, I think you need to stop giving advice.
As PP said, your thinking is very very skewed and would not help OP in this situation. It would only escalate her DP's controlling attitude.
Sometimes there is no "shit" to sort out, leaving is sometimes the best answer.

I seriously think you need to go away and think about how you're encouraging someone to stay in an abusive relationship. Totally totally wrong!

OP just ask yourself an shim why is it OK for him to control where you go and who you see, tells you you can't go on your own etc...
But somehow it's OK for him to go out to the pub on his own??

Do you think he would ever agree to you starting to control who is going out with, when, how? To tell him he can't go to the pub on his own and so on?
To then be jealous and moody for the next few days, constantly questioning him?
To also tell him you absolutely don't trust him and he is only going there to meet women?
To blackmail him with threats of leaving him (and for him not to see his dc again)?

I'm sure he would never accept any of that. So why should YOU???

Re the fact you have few friends.
Please don't listen to anyone who is telling you it's not normal, you have to be autistic and whatnot.

First of all, even if you were in the spectrum, it wouldn't change anything at all to your partner behaviour ne it would t make it anymore acceptable
Second, some people prefer their own company. They just do.
My parents and my mum in particular is exactely like this. She is now in her 70s and is still like that. She is happy wth her own company. There is nothing wrong about that. And she is nowhere near the autistic spectrum either and is very well balanced.

OP can I come too? Sounds like a great night out, completely normal to go alone I'd have done the same at 22, don't let him control you

I hope this is a turning point because he seems like a very immature old young man. A boyfriend is a comrade and an alley and right now he is neither.
I wonder if he is projecting and that he would be up for kissing men and women too. That is what I always think of people who think the same.
I remember an elderly former landlord who was upset that I had men round and 'he didn't like it'. I looked at him blankly and said most of my friends are men (we got up to all sorts like Quake and StarCraft as it happens...)
I did refrain from asking if he just because he had sex with his male friends that I do to though.

Go out and have some fun. Think of this as a new life diet where you lose about 13 stone of miserable useless weight.

Montane It's all very well saying 'stay in and sort your relationship out' but by staying in the op is likely to become more and more isolated and thus easier for her prick partner to control. Going out more, seeing how other people live, seeing how normal relationships work, and realising that your own relationship is far from normal, is often a first step towards leaving. It's really important for the op to be able to 'take part in public life' instead of being trapped at home.
My advice to the op is just LTB life is too short and you don't want your son to learn that this is how relationships work do you?

Reading this gives me the willies.

I was you age 26. (D)H has been manipulating my social life for years.

I used to love going to the cinema alone. Haven't managed it in 18 years. So many other things besides that.

I am working up the courage to separate, but its very very hard.

Please don't subdue the lovely sunny, young person you are because of a jealous controlling man.

You do everything anyway might as well be a single parent then you only have yourself and one kid to look after.

You are an adult. It is not for your partner to tell you when you can go out.

He is being incredibly unreasonable and controlling. You are not being unreasonable at all.

My DD goes out on her own age 19.
Why shouldn't she?
She know loads of people when she gets there and has a blast.
I'd go to at least 2 bars on my own as I would always know people in there who would talk to me. In fact I'm off our tonight on my own but I'll meet up with people and have a nice evening!

OP has not been out in over a year!
From age 21 to 22.
That's NOT NORMAL!!!

OP you must know by now, from all the responses that your DP is a controlling abusive twat.
He's living in the 1950's and is a misogynist!
He can go to the pub but you can't.
That is bollox and you know it.
It's 2017 - women are perfectly capable of going out on their own, enjoying themselves and staying safe.

Do NOT back down on this one.
He'll make you even more isolated if you let him get away with this sexist shite!

He sounds like your Dad and you sound like you're about 15 trying to persuade him to let you go, that you're responsible enough etc!

Would he feel better if you were going with friends? It's quite ballsy to go to a karaoke bar alone and get up and sing, good on you though! If you're brave enough to do that, you are more than capable of telling him to wind his neck in and stop being so controlling!

No it isn't, staying in and sorting out a relationship is.

Sorry what!

Why is it her job to sort out this controlling prick!!
Who the hell in their right mind would encourage somebody to stay in an abusive relationship?

stay in an sort her relationship out?

what crap-its the fact she hasnt been out for a year that the whole thing started off-so she should sit in and obey her man so hes happy?

life is too short and you will look back one day and smile at your post

Who will be looking after your toddler?

It's not unusual at all to want a night out and you should not have to ask permission from your partner but you do have a child together so surely you must coordinate timings for her sake.

I dislike that he is blackmailing you over this wish to have a night out. What sort of man leaves his family over this?

He must be very insecure to allege that you will misbehave.

I'd go to at least 2 bars on my own as I would always know people in there who would talk to me.

this - OP has already said she knows people there to talk to, but surely the issues is not that she wants to go out, but she wants to go out without OH and without his friends 'keeping an eye on her' - thats just wrong

You're only 22. Is this what you want for the next 50 years? Felling you need his permission to go out rather than make your own decision?
He doesn't get to 'allow' you to go out, nor does he get to tell other people to keep an eye on you.
Finish your degree, get a job and move you and your DD away from him. And don't even consider marriage to him. His possessiveness does not come from love.

I wish someone had told me to leave my ex when I was 22. There wasn't so much known about controlling abuse then though. Things have moved on a fair bit since then hopefully. I wish mumsnet had been around and I wouldn't have wasted a further 7 years.

Was he born in 1850?

Good grief.

Poor you OP. It sounds like he is paranoid and obviously doesn't trust you. I'm going out on a girls weekend next weekend, I told my DP, I didn't ask him. He didn't bat an eyelid about it.
I also go to the Oktoberfest beer festival in Munich every year where I go wild n am drinking steins all day. And that does not mean I'm a cheat because I'm not. I go because it's what I do.
Just go, he won't leave you, it's meaningless threats and if he does then do you seriously wanna be with someone who is as controlling as that?

And yes, just reading comments. He should want you to go out and have a good time.
You need to watch out for controlling behaviour. I hope you do get to go out OP.

If a woman was to come on here and say her DP/DH wanted to just go out for a night out, not with his mates, just for the hell of it the reaction would be very different! They would assume he was on the pull!

Really?? My DH often goes out alone to watch a band if I don't want to go and I have gone out alone to our local on occasion, as I know people there (like OP said, in home town, know's lots of people)!

OP he really is controlling and possessive. My exh used to sulk for a week or more if I went out - which I did, bugger the pathetic moodiness which always followed! It's part of the reason why I left him and there is no way I would ever be dictated to again.

Go out, make some friends then go out regularly if you aren't ready to end the relationship (which you really should) and don't answer all his ridiculous questions either as you should not be made to feel like you have done something wrong.

When I was at uni I had a controlling boyfriend.

At first he needed me to ring him whenever I was out at various points in the evening. If I couldn't (this was pre mobile phone) when I did manage to call he would be apoplectic.

Then he tried to stop me going out with anyone apart from him and our very small friendship group. If I did and I told him where I was going he would get drunk, turn up and be nasty and sometimes violent.

If I didn't tell him where I was going he would climb up to my window at 4am and batter on it till I let him in.

He punched me, pushed me around, ripped my clothing and put a cigarette out on my back.

I eventually ended it, but when he saw me at a club a year later, he ripped the strap off my top and spat on me.

I know you're not in this situation now, but these are the red flags. I wish I'd ended that relationship far sooner than I did, it really fucked me up for a long time.

You have the right to go out and have fun - he should be happy for you to do so.

Re making friends - there are some lovely people out there and slowly getting to know people on your course at a pace you feel comfortable with and so you see what they are like around others and feel you can trust them would be a great idea.

You don't have a quiet life do you OP? Not unless you do what he wants.

He cross examines and makes her swear on her child's life she was a good little girl and scurried straight to the women's only section of the gym, making damned sure not to catch any males eyes in case they say hi.

Exactly - I also like a quiet life but there's a difference between putting up with emotional abuse not wanting to 'rock the boat' and actually living in a peaceful, non-toxic environment. Only the latter offers a truly quiet life. I've been in both. Controlling men are a recipe for disaster. Please leave.