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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

260 replies

Student1994 · 08/03/2017 22:18

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Report

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2017 06:44

Your daughter will see your relationship and normalise it. She could eventually end up with someone who treats her as badly or worse. Be a strong example for her and leave this man.

ilovelamp82 · 13/03/2017 23:16

Leave. Have the life you deserve. This will only get worse and worse. He's ground you down so much that you're still there accepting this shit. Don't let him break you completely. Muster that strength that you have to get yourself and your DD away from this controlling, abusive, disgusting vile excuse for a man. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

flibflob · 13/03/2017 23:07

Hope you're ok OP. Thinking of you and your DD x

normastits5 · 13/03/2017 22:49

Apologies for last unhelpful comment, it's frustration

normastits5 · 13/03/2017 22:48

Op please read this thread over and over and over ....... until what everyone is saying SINKS IN . You sound perfectly intelligent so I believe you know this is all wrong. Get the fuck away from this control freak asap . God it's so depressing that this is going on SO MUCH Aaaaaah!

PacificDogwod · 13/03/2017 22:20

This is stickied to the top of the Relationship board but I think is worthwhile posting here with thanks to the marvellous Reality.

Please, hear what we are all saying: the restrictions your relationship imposes on you are NOT normal, do NOT happen in most relationships and are NOT something you need to live with or appease all the time.

PacificDogwod · 13/03/2017 22:17

Freedom Program - apologies if somebody has linked to it already.

PacificDogwod · 13/03/2017 22:16

Apparantly this happens in relationships sometimes and I should do more to reassure my partner because he needs it was pretty much what they were saying.

No, it doesn't and no, you shouldn't.

OMG - you really need some RL help. Please do go and see the counsellor.

Obsidian77 · 13/03/2017 20:38

op you have been brave in coming back to this thread. Never underestimate your courage.
this happens in relationships sometimes.
Not true. It happens in bad relationships. Dysfunctional, unhappy, violent and controlling ones. There are many many good decent men out there who would never raise a hand to their partner and do not treat their OHs in this way.
I should do more to reassure my partner
No. He is bullying you, this is not about you failing to do something.
They said it's because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me
Bullshit and they should be ashamed of themselves for peddling this lie. You said you have read up on the links to controlling behaviour that pps have posted. That's a good start. It would probably be best if you can access some counselling, perhaps through uni. These are complex issues and working through them with a professional will help you get some perspective. Good luck op.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 13/03/2017 19:46

I should do more to reassure my partner because he needs it was pretty much what they were saying. Anyway my outburst was pointless so I just apologised to my partner, told everyone to ignore me and asked if we could go home because I was in a silly state.

Why would you want to live like this? This is not love.

You are trivialising yourself.

PollytheDolly · 13/03/2017 19:38

And the truth cometh out. Sorry OP but you do need to leave

ScarlettFreestone · 13/03/2017 18:09

I've been with my DH for longer than you have been alive OP and he has never pushed me.

My BIL has never pushed my SIL
My Dad has never pushed my Mum
My FIL has never pushed my MIL.

All four of these men love their wives and don't want to lose them.

If you truly love someone you trust them.
If you truly love someone you make them happy not sad.
If you truly love some you would never hurt them.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2017 17:38

< shakes head in despair >

Stormtreader · 13/03/2017 16:13

I should do more to reassure my partner because he needs it

Youre already not going out and having to constantly defend yourself against accusations of meeting and talking to other men, and they think you should do MORE? What the heck is left for you to do beyond wear a full body mask and never go anywhere or talk to anyone but him ever again?!

Atenco · 13/03/2017 12:56

Another resource for you is the Freedom Programme. There should be one in your area. I don't know the details, but people swear by it.

CheeseQueen · 13/03/2017 11:54

and pushed me a few times but he said he has never punched me or anything like that. Apparantly this happens in relationships sometimes

No, no, no NO it doesn't!!!! It never happens in a normal relationship. Please, please listen to everyone on this thread and get the hell out of there.

Student1994 · 13/03/2017 11:51

Thanks for the helpful advice. I like the idea of bringing notes in. I think that will really help if I do decide to talk to someone. I don't really want to talk about it with my family. We aren't the type to sit and talk about how we feel so it would be hard to open up to them

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 13/03/2017 11:34

OP read or research domestic violence but get out. Go to women's aid etc.

You don't deserve to live like this.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 13/03/2017 11:34

yep copy an paste what you said in this thread. You will see, when the flood gates open, it will all come and sill out.

And your DP and his friend are wrong.
its not because he loves you that he is behaving like this. He has no right to control your life like this. and there is no reason why you should be the ne to reassure him when you have never done anything that could have made it doubt. Its not as if you had cheated on him before!
As fro pulling your hair etc... nope sorry. that sort of thing does NT happen in couples at all.

Iamnuts · 13/03/2017 11:32

Take this thread with you and they can read it rather than you tell them, you won't feel so reticent about talking about the elephant in the room when you know they know. That first step is the hardest one to take, believe me. I kept it inside me for years (it took me four years to actually leave). This was more than 20 years ago and I still can't talk about what went on. I re-married happily and my DC grew up into lovely, gentle adults, even though they witnessed some awful scenes. All the advice you are getting here is fantastic. I wish MN had been around when I needed it.

DixieNormas · 13/03/2017 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flibflob · 13/03/2017 11:29

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flibflob · 13/03/2017 11:28

You can copy and paste what you've written here, and take it in to a counsellor with you, or make notes to refer to when you talk to them (I've done this with counsellors, they don't mind). You could also look on your uni website for an email address, and I believe you can email Women's Aid (will post link)

Student1994 · 13/03/2017 10:52

I think my uni do have a counsellor but i've never actually spoken to anyone about things like this before. It is so easy writing it up anonymously online but I think it will be more difficult speaking out loud :/

OP posts:

Emboo19 · 13/03/2017 10:51

Oh student, this is so not normal and I think you know that. I'm sorry his brother and mate, agreed with him and also placed blame on you, please remember they're his family and friend though and unfortunately probably share his views on women or at best, just don't want to think badly of him, so are trying to minimise it.
Please speak to someone more neutral, as previous poster suggested women's aid, or speak to someone at uni, a tutor or student services.
Do you have anywhere you could go stay, with your dd for a few days?

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