Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

For those raging about suggesting autism, I second Klaphat

The key was bad experience after bad experience with interpersonal relationships and writing them off as a result. Not 'enjoying your own company'. But enjoy your strop.

I am only being helpful in suggesting it as I am so glad I learned about my condition in my thirties and not forties or fifties. May have helped to learn about it much sooner, too. But it is harder to diagnose in females, and a lot of false myths abound. Such as 'lacking empathy'. I have a huge amount of emotional empathy - I'm just not a good mind reader, so sometimes I can come across as lacking 'empathy' when I actually just lack a more literal explanation of the other person's POV.

'sall. Not sure why ppl getting so stroppy over a reasonable, helpful suggestion.

have no interest in drama or conflict

But he is the one bringing drama and conflict into your life and the longer you stay with him, the worse it will be.

It looks to me like you have three choices,

1. Stay with him forever and spend your free time at home all the time, while he raises the ante and kicks up a fuss about anything that you enjoy.

2. Stay with him until you get totally fed up and leave, but a few more years down the line

3. Rip him off like a sticking plaster

And I am speaking from the experience of having lived with someone like that and then seen my dd have a bf like that.

Also you are avoiding friendships because sometimes they hurt, and yes that is true, but sometimes it hurts to have a child and yet what pleasure there is in it too. Everything worth doing implies risk. Friends are just people. Don't put your faith in them, because like you and I they blow it sometimes, but they sometimes also get things incredibly right and bring a lot of love and joy into our lives

He's emotionally abusive and insanely controlling. Put a stop to this nonsense right now. You are an adult and his partner, not a child or his property. If the relationship ends, so be it. You'll be much better off.

Student,

I'm a bloke and I'm another saying you need to get out and I don't just mean on Saturday. How can you enjoy your life being treated like this? And this is the example you're setting your DD? You are not his possession.
Is he British? Just that his attitude is very like a bloke I used to work with who was from Saudi Arabia. He controlled his wife just you are being controlled. She wasn't allowed to talk to, be near, or have any interaction with men at all. She wasn't even allowed to be served by a man in a shop or cafe etc. I went round once (never again) and she was banished from the room. And he was always shocked when any of us talked about our partners as people. Luckily he has gone back to his homeland but I felt so sorry for his wife who just accepted it.

When I was married and my wife said she was going out I never questioned her about who with. I usually offered a lift/pick up but that was through decency, not so I could check who was there.

This attitude of your partner will never change no matter what anyone says.

Please don't let him ride roughshod over you. It's too late to look back in ten or twenty years time and wish you had done it differently.

And please don't let this neanderthal ruin your DDs life as well. You owe her the right to a normal life with fun, no matter where or with who.

I agree with a pp who said it's probably not really that he believes you'll cheat but an excuse to control you. I had one of these. He never, never learned to trust me. After 20+ years of that treatment I went a bit doolally and actually started trying to having an affair - didn't succeed and realised it wasn't really "me" - but XH was so shocked when I told him I did have feelings for someone else (who incidentally I never met in person), it was clear he had not expected it. Odd, don't you think, when he'd been accusing me of that very thing for the last two decades?

Anyway, I wasted not only my 20s but my 30s and most of my 40s on the miserable old bugger, but at last I LTB and life is very pleasant without him I must say. I don't very often feel like going out, but if I do I can just do it and nobody gives me the third degree afterwards. That is surely a very basic human freedom in this century and this hemisphere. Perhaps your OH should move to one of the more orthodox Middle Eastern countries; they do things his way there.

Such projection on this thread its staggering, added to the double standards its laughable if it wasn't such a sad situation for op. While i was trying to suggest sorting out things with the long tetm in mind, a huge amount of posters are so narrow minded that they think all men are controlling freaks? Really?? I still say op should prioritise sorting out her relationship over a night out-maybe thats because I speak from a very happy relationship thats filled with mutual respect?

Dear god. It is utterly depressing that in 2017 there are still women in this country who think that a man has the right to tell them what to do, just because he's a man and they are women.

It doesn't matter the tiniest amount what he thinks you might do while you're out, OP. Are you 'allowed' to stop him going out? Do you get to question his motives for leaving the house? How would he react if you interrogated him every time he came home, asking him how many women he'd spoken to? Do you want your child to learn that this is what relationships are like?

*and when i write sort out the relationship? If you read my previous posts i actually said that to sort it out may actually mean leaving him

a huge amount of posters are so narrow minded that they think all men are controlling freaks?

Ummm... no. If posters thought this was the norm, and that all men were 'controlling freaks', they wouldn't be so horrified at the OP's situation, would they? Anyway, why would anybody want to 'prioritise' a relationship with this kind of man? It is clear that he is a total misogynist and doesn't see the OP as an equal partner in any way.

@Montane50 So are you suggesting that her DH should have no more pub nights out until their relationship is totally "sorted out" for good? And then both of them get to have an equal number of nights out from that point on without being interrogated or accused of being unfaithful by the other, yes?

OP can't possibly sort out her relationship in one night, it's far too complicated and difficult, and her dh won't be helping - he doesn't think it needs sorting, he's got her nicely where he wants her already and as far as he's concerned he's going to make sure she stays right there in that little box he's put her in.

Go out op. Enjoy a night out, remember what it's like to be you.

I don't think all men (or even most men) are control freaks. I think some of them are, and that the OP's OH is one of them. What the majority are saying here is that this behaviour is unacceptable and that pandering to it by staying in is not the right way to deal with it.

This situation is no a dare, its not a challenge! Dh has said you're not going out. Op is saying I'll bloody well go because I'll show you.
Totally the wrong approach-she should be staying in and sorting out a shite relationship. And that my friends is called being a grown up.

Montane

"Prioritise sorting out her relationship"

He doesn't trust her, there is no relationship.

Have you read the OP's posts - he interrogates her about who she speaks to at the gym for pity's sake.

That's not normal.
It's not healthy.

There is no fixing that. It's only going to get worse for the OP and her child.

A bit extreme but find and watch the BBC3 drama Murdered By My Boyfriend. Similar jealous traits exhibited by the boyfriend who then got worse.

Not that I'm saying your boyfriend could do that but he could. And it escalates.

The vast majority of friends I know who've been in these relationships (I'm older mid 40s) are now out of them for good reason too.

Montane a huge amount of posters are so narrow minded that they think all men are controlling freaks?

Er no. We think controlling men are controlling. E.g. I gave a clear example of one man I was with who was controlling, with clear parallels to the OP's situation.

I am not with a controlling man now, nor have I been for a long time. And I shared this personal experience to hopefully help the OP avoid anything remotely similar.

You got this wrong. But don't embarrass yourself by flinging out baseless, mindless accusations in a bid to defend yourself.

Montane, why is staying in and sorting out the relationship (which may as you say mean ending it) so significantly superior in your mind to going out and then ending the relationship?

A bit worried that in 2017 a poster on one of the most feminist websites I know tells op she should stay in because her dp has told her to. How fucking depressing

A bit worried that in 2017 a poster on one of the most feminist websites I know tells op she should stay in because her dp has told her to. How fucking depressing
Me too - more than a bit worried.... just despairing that this attitude is still alive and kicking.
I just can't believe it still goes on. and on. and on. and on..........
I fought this attitude fifty years ago and here we are.
Will my granddaughters be posting about this in another half century ?
Yeah, bloody depressing.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I woke up this morning and I felt annoyed at myself that I was asking a mans permission to leave the house (which is once in a blue moon) for just a few hours. Infact I went and bought myself a new outfit today and was really looking forward it. I even arranged alternative childcare incase my partner refused. However my partner came home from work tonight and everything was fine until I mentioned that I was going out tomorrow night. Now he wont speak to me, wont let me touch him, is sleeping in the other bed tonight and is convinced I only want to go because I want men to look at me to show that ive still got it. What a load of rubbish. I did say would he feel any better if I went with a friend and he said yes. So now im thinking of making the effort with some girls from uni or something and see if they fancy going next weekend. He thinks that I wont find anyone to go out with you see as he knows I have no friends so I want to shock him. He wont like it but he did say it was fine if I went out with a friend so I will gladly point this out. What are your thoughts on this? I know I sound immature but I am annoyed to say the least.

LTB, or you're going to look back in 20 yrs and kick yourself for wasting your youth on him, that would be my advice. Fwiw, you don't sound immature you just sound pissed off because you're not free to make your own decision about where you go.

You don't sound immature at all. You sound like a lovely young woman who's partner is taking advantage of her.

You shouldn't have to take anyone with you, you're an adult,, he is not your father and he doesn't get to dictate the terms on which you may go out.

Does he have to ask your permission to go out? If you don't like the sound of his plans do you get to say no or put conditions in place?

Think about your DD. Imagine spending the next 20 years raising her to be a strong woman, only to have her say that her boyfriend had forbidden her from going out, because he thinks the only reason a woman goes out is to try and find a man to cheat with - what would your advice to her be?

Exactly! Its when I think of my DD that I realise I wouldn't want her to be treated that way so I shouldn't want it for myself either. I felt pathetic before trying to cuddle upto him but he kept pushing me away and won't speak to me! I'm not going to try again

So...he's STILL dictating the terms of you leaving the house....seriously....wake up and smell the coffee. This guy is not a decent individual. In a normal relationship, consideration and trust are a 2 way thing.....yours is one way....that being his way....stop bowing to his twisted view and instead of asking him what you should be doing....tell him!

This is not really about this weekend.

This is about the rest of your life. You know what you should do. Just do it.