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Original poster

Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

260 replies

Student1994 · 08/03/2017 22:18

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/03/2017 22:35

It's International Women's Day ffs!

You're allowed to leave the house without a man or without a man's permission

Tell him you're going; don't ask him if you can and have a fantastic time! Maybe find a new man who lives in 2017 not 1950

MrsDustyBusty · 08/03/2017 22:35

Do you think he might have been with a teenager by his late 20s because he's not able for a relationship between people of equal power?

ilovelamp82 · 08/03/2017 22:36

Allow it????? You need to get out of thus relationship. Why on earth does an adult need another adults permission to do anything? He doesn't want you to go out and see that it's a perfectly normal thing for people to do.

Him sulking in order to get his way is abusive. Don't pander to it. Go on your night out. Then I would look very carefully at your relationship. Don't waste your life with someone that thinks it's ok to control and abuse you this way.

nestofvipers · 08/03/2017 22:36

You most definitely are not being unreasonable. Your partner is being unreasonable and controlling.

I wouldn't want to go to a bar by myself and karaoke is my idea of hell, but different strokes for different folks and all that so I wouldn't say that this is weird, but can see that some might think it is unusual. What is weird though is your partner saying I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me..

You should certainly be able to go out and have fun. It concerns me that you're unsure whether this is the case or whether what your partner is saying is correct which it isn't. The fact that you doubt yourself about this makes me think that this isn't the first time he's acted in a controlling manner.

crunched · 08/03/2017 22:36

Would he feel differently if you were going on the night out with someone else? I totally understand you not needing a companion, I am the same. My DH really cannot believe I sometimes prefer to do things by myself.He is a really sociable, outgoing bloke with loads of mates and is convinced I will feel lonely doing things alone. It has taken me years to convince him and he still finds it weird. If we see someone at the theatre or in a restaurant on their own, he is all " awww, bless", and I'm like "FFS, they are enjoying their own company"!

If this isn't the reason, I do think he is being controlling.

Hermonie2016 · 08/03/2017 22:37

Don't give in to his sulking.

It's really important that you show you are your own person.You are not unreasonable.

If he 'wins' your life will be controlled, please take it from us older women who know from experience.

Did you really imagine your solo social life would be over at 22?

memyselfandaye · 08/03/2017 22:39

Why the fuck are you with this prick? Where is your self esteem?

Don't accept that kind of life and stop minimising, he is'nt your owner.

You're an adult start acting like one, don't let your child grow up with that sort of dynamic, it's not normal.

Why just why would you put up with that crap?

nestofvipers · 08/03/2017 22:39

I do everything i'm supposed to day in day out. What do you mean by this? Who is telling you what you're supposed to do? The more you tell us, the more red flags I see.

PacificDogwod · 08/03/2017 22:40
Shock

Please go out for your night out. And get out of what sounds like a relationship with a controlling man.

The only 'risk' you are taking here is staying IMO.
This is not a good relationship to model to your child.

Thanks
Teepish · 08/03/2017 22:41

Op run away from this man, run for the hills

You are 22 and should be having fun!! He should also be having fun but instead he's a deeply insecure, controlling man - PLEASE don't waste your youth on him. Please.

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 22:42

I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men.

He's a knob. A controlling one. He's not the boss of you! Hmm
I was going to ask what'd happen if you said "sorry, but I'm going out as I'd love a night out."
He'd leave you if you did? Do it and if he does leave you, you're best off out of that shit, sorry.
In a normal relationship you don't mind if your partner goes for an evening out with their friends without you (in fact I had a lovely one this weekend! Smile )
Not everyone goes out to "kiss other men." Hmm Sometimes they just need to let their hair down and enjoy seeing friends/having a good time!

Original poster
Student1994 · 08/03/2017 22:43

I've had friends back stab me in the past or let me down etc so I started doing everything on my own and got used to it. It is less hassle and no drama so I don't really mind. But I do everything i'm supposed to day in day out and all i'm asking for is one night, just a few hours off to feel like the old me again. He will accuse me of everything the next day so I really don't think it's worth it. He is convinced I want to go out because I want to meet other men. But I really have no interest in that whatsoever!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 08/03/2017 22:44

I do hope you listen to and act on the advice on here.
THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP - FACT.
He is controlling you and has probably been doing so since you first met. I'm so sorry.
Please dont spend another day with this man, he will destroy you.

CatsBatsEars · 08/03/2017 22:44

He doesn't own you, do what you want.

magoria · 08/03/2017 22:45

I really hope you decide to go and I really hope you leave him.

You are not his prisoner or servant. He does not have the right to say he can go out and do what he wants but you are not allowed out without him.

People expect others to have their moral standards so him saying he thinks you want to go out and get off with other people says an awful lot about what he wants to do or does if he goes out without you.

Please leave. You are 22. Don't waste your life on a controlling, double standards man like this.

Teepish · 08/03/2017 22:46

He's telling you "its weird and you are going to kiss other men" because deep down he knows you're a social butterfly and is threatened by it because he's insecure and knows he doesn't deserve you. You need to be with someone who celebrates who you are, not someone like this

Let him leave you!

MrsDustyBusty · 08/03/2017 22:46

I'd accuse you of seeing other men if I were him too. I'd say he sees what the rest of us see - you will wake up and see he's just not good enough, the pathetic loser.

chocolatecoveredmarshmallows · 08/03/2017 22:47

My H wouldn't be happy with this arrangement and he isn't at all controlling. Why are people surprised that a partner would not want someone to go to a bar by themselves? Why does it automatically have to be controlling behaviour?

gillybeanz · 08/03/2017 22:47

But I do everything i'm supposed to day in day out

I just wondered what it is you are supposed to do?
And of course, what you are doing.

Also you mentioned risking consequences, what did you mean?

MrsDustyBusty · 08/03/2017 22:48

You're free to not like it, you're not free to forbid it.

hesterton · 08/03/2017 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 08/03/2017 22:51

It is controlling because OP later posted He can do and go where he pleases but apparantly as i'm a woman it's different..

CharlotteCollins · 08/03/2017 22:51

If you don't have friends, you need to look after yourself. Part of that is sticking up for yourself when someone reveals themselves to be a bit of a loser.

Your posts make you sound blind: totally unable to question if his behaviour is healthy or not.

Actually, your posts make you sound like you are reading all these words on the screen but still only hearing his voice.

PacificDogwod · 08/03/2017 22:52

He is convinced I want to go out because I want to meet other men.

He has issues, they are his issues and insecurities.

What you have to ask yourself is whether you want to live your according to his problems.

What are the consequences if you do go out? He throws a tantrum.
What are the consequences of not going out? You limit your life.

HelenaGWells · 08/03/2017 22:52

I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

Is he always so distrusting? It scares me that you have no friends and he seems to want to keep you isolated. Go out and if he leaves you over it you are well rid.