Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

You OK, op?

I'm assuming no but I'd like to know if you're safe OP?

This is not a man who will ever see reason. Whether he had a bad childhood or and Ex cheat on him (because I'm hoping he isn't like this for no reason), he needs to seek help for his irrational insecurity and jealousy, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him while he does.

One poster mentioned a show 'murdered by my boyfriend'. I don't think she's far from the reality in your case.

You either obey him (and be miserable and controlled) or do as you wish and be miserable because of his attitude and sulking.

That he spoke of punching the hypothetical man who would be kissing you, is really worrying. Not that you'd be kissing anyone, but it shows his violent rage under certain circumstances and that's exceeding worrying.

I honestly can't see this relationship having a decent future.

And reading this sent me cold.

Since I started attending the gym a few months ago he will ask me if I spoke to any men there and when I say no I went straight to the womens only area to work out I have to swear on my childs life that I didnt talk to another man!

Right now, you can't see any physical danger in your situation, but I've seen these signs and it never ends well for the female.

He has a serious problem. If he denies it, I suggest you challenge him to write on any relationship forum (not MN) and get the views of other normal men.

He can title it 'Am I being controlling with my GF?'

Op is probably going through a process. This is at least a step towards realisation. Hopefully OP will start thinking about how to take control back? But it rarely happens instantly.

I told him he is being old-fashioned and sounds ridiculous but it's falling on deaf ears.
Well, he wouldn't wouldn't he - he has got you right where he wants you which is...
I am afraid of being on my own.

...afraid of being on your own. What are you afraid of exactly? Freedom, being able to make a decision on your own? Scary stuff.

Student did you get your night out??

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I didnt end up going out on Saturday like i'd originally planned (I know, not good) instead I went out yesterday- my partner was at the pub with his brother and his mate so he said I should come too. I put my DD to bed, a family member came round to stay over incase she woke up etc. And then I met them at the pub. Everything was fine, we went to a few more bars. Was a bit boring as everywhere was dead but I was having a dance and a drink which is all i'd wanted to do anyway (still got accused of ridiculous stuff about other men but we was in a gay bar!!). Anyway I did drink too much and I got really upset. I was fed up of having to keep saying I wasn't interested in other men etc.
My partners brother and his mate were trying to find out what was up with me and I told them that I can't live like I am doing at the moment, explained why. They said it's because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. They asked me if he has ever hit me and my partner said he holds his hands up and admits he has pulled my hair once (and will never do it again) and pushed me a few times but he said he has never punched me or anything like that. Apparantly this happens in relationships sometimes and I should do more to reassure my partner because he needs it was pretty much what they were saying. Anyway my outburst was pointless so I just apologised to my partner, told everyone to ignore me and asked if we could go home because I was in a silly state.
That pretty much sums up the night.

He's pulled your hair and pushed you and it's normal!?????
It's fucking not love!
Seriously.
You need to get some help from Womens Aid.
0808 2000 247. They can help you to see what this is.
It's abuse. And the more you write the more scared I am for you.
Get out GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!!!!
He's a psycho! He will hit you (properly) eventually and he will hurt you.
And your DD will learn to accept this awful behaviour because that's what you have taught her about relationships. She will model it and end up in exactly position you are in right now.
LEAVE AND DO IT SOON!!!

because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
This is bullshit.... his attitude has nothing to do with love and everything to do with ownership.

I sincerely hope you manage to get out of this toxic relationship before he has sucked the life out of you and your daughter.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I can't believe these people are enabling this. It's actually really sinister.

Guess how many times my partner has shoved me? Never! Guess how many times my ex shoved me? Never! And the ex before that - never. Let alone pulled my hair. I lived with two of them and they were never violent and they never tried to dictate if/when/how I could go out, nor did they accuse me of flirting with other men or wanting to. This is NOT a normal part of a relationship. This IS coercive control and it is ILLEGAL.

I honestly think you need to talk to someone - Women's Aid or a guidance counsellor at uni. They can help support you while you work out what to do and how to change your life.

Please don't allow yourself to be bullied by these people. Please talk to your family and people/organisations who can support you.

This will not get better.

Oh student, this is so not normal and I think you know that. I'm sorry his brother and mate, agreed with him and also placed blame on you, please remember they're his family and friend though and unfortunately probably share his views on women or at best, just don't want to think badly of him, so are trying to minimise it.
Please speak to someone more neutral, as previous poster suggested women's aid, or speak to someone at uni, a tutor or student services.
Do you have anywhere you could go stay, with your dd for a few days?

I think my uni do have a counsellor but i've never actually spoken to anyone about things like this before. It is so easy writing it up anonymously online but I think it will be more difficult speaking out loud :/

You can copy and paste what you've written here, and take it in to a counsellor with you, or make notes to refer to when you talk to them (I've done this with counsellors, they don't mind). You could also look on your uni website for an email address, and I believe you can email Women's Aid (will post link)

[email protected]

Take this thread with you and they can read it rather than you tell them, you won't feel so reticent about talking about the elephant in the room when you know they know. That first step is the hardest one to take, believe me. I kept it inside me for years (it took me four years to actually leave). This was more than 20 years ago and I still can't talk about what went on. I re-married happily and my DC grew up into lovely, gentle adults, even though they witnessed some awful scenes. All the advice you are getting here is fantastic. I wish MN had been around when I needed it.

yep copy an paste what you said in this thread. You will see, when the flood gates open, it will all come and sill out.

And your DP and his friend are wrong.
its not because he loves you that he is behaving like this. He has no right to control your life like this. and there is no reason why you should be the ne to reassure him when you have never done anything that could have made it doubt. Its not as if you had cheated on him before!
As fro pulling your hair etc... nope sorry. that sort of thing does NT happen in couples at all.

OP read or research domestic violence but get out. Go to women's aid etc.

You don't deserve to live like this.

Thanks for the helpful advice. I like the idea of bringing notes in. I think that will really help if I do decide to talk to someone. I don't really want to talk about it with my family. We aren't the type to sit and talk about how we feel so it would be hard to open up to them

and pushed me a few times but he said he has never punched me or anything like that. Apparantly this happens in relationships sometimes

No, no, no NO it doesn't!!!! It never happens in a normal relationship. Please, please listen to everyone on this thread and get the hell out of there.

Another resource for you is the Freedom Programme. There should be one in your area. I don't know the details, but people swear by it.

I should do more to reassure my partner because he needs it

Youre already not going out and having to constantly defend yourself against accusations of meeting and talking to other men, and they think you should do MORE? What the heck is left for you to do beyond wear a full body mask and never go anywhere or talk to anyone but him ever again?!

< shakes head in despair >

I've been with my DH for longer than you have been alive OP and he has never pushed me.

My BIL has never pushed my SIL
My Dad has never pushed my Mum
My FIL has never pushed my MIL.

All four of these men love their wives and don't want to lose them.

If you truly love someone you trust them.
If you truly love someone you make them happy not sad.
If you truly love some you would never hurt them.

And the truth cometh out. Sorry OP but you do need to leave