Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

You're right Glitterazi- I don't feel like he once listened to my side tonight. He was just adamant that I'm not going and I will definitely get upto no good if I do.

The thing is I 100% wont be unfaithful in anyway. I have no interest in even looking in another mans direction so all of his paranoia and insecurities are for nothing! If only he could trust me then it would all be fine

I have been in an ea relationship for 20 years until i walked out.
I said I think the op is being childish because the relationship doesn't sound like one in that both partners respect each other. Op you refer to your age when actually thats irrelevant, you have a dp and dc, they should be your priority not a karaoke bar.

I am listening AfroPuffs. I admit I don't want to believe some of the stuff i'm reading but deep down I know the majority of the advice is true. I think some part of me wanted confirmation that my partner is wrong to tell me what to do and that's why I posted on here

You sound like me when I was your age. I have since been diagnosed with asperger's syndrome. Aspies are awesome. Might be worth checking out. My diagnosis helped me accept myself as opposed to always feeling I should 'try harder' to be 'normal' etc.

I nearly suggested autism as well.

And for what it's worth, a relative of mine (possibly autistic) used to go down to one or two karaoke places on a regular basis. They were always full of regulars from how he described it, welcoming and friendly and laidback. Not like going down a random pub and getting drunk on your own - it was a social place where you could just turn up and sing/listen to others. So not quite as weird as some people are assuming.

you have a dp and dc, they should be your priority not a karaoke bar.

I just don't get what you mean by that. If you have a dp and dc, you're suddenly not allowed to be interested in enjoying karaoke bars anymore?
Why?
Isn't that a little controlling to say what someone should and shouldn't like?
You can love your partner and children deeply and care for them perfectly, but there's NOTHING wrong with wanting a little time to yourself now and then to recharge your batteries!

Yes Montane, my family come first that is why I have been debating whether or not to go. But I have to disagree as I think even mums are allowed a break and my daughter won't even know i'm not there as I'll be putting her to bed and getting up with her. In terms of my partner I think he should want me to go and have a night off, especially as he knows more than anyone how hard I work all week and that I never get to go anywhere. He thinks I am going to be unfaithful with other men so the issue here is that he doesn't trust me

Yup, Montane because going out every now and then to a karaoke bar means a mother is prioritising singing to a backing tape and necking Bacardi and Coke over caring for her child

Well he's definitely not behaving in the way a normal, loving and trusting partner would. You aren't a child....remember you carried and gave birth to your own child recently and you're doing all you can to be a good mother. That child is learning from you and how you treat each other as parents. If your DP is controlling and negative that will most certainly impact your child, so you have some thinking to do here.

I went through a similar scenario and moved on with my DS. Best thing I ever did.

You sound like me when I was your age. I have since been diagnosed with asperger's syndrome. Aspies are awesome. Might be worth checking out. My diagnosis helped me accept myself as opposed to always feeling I should 'try harder' to be 'normal' etc.

I nearly suggested autism as well.

So not only do we have to put up with on MN and in RL that it's not normal to be a woman and go out by yourself, now it's automatically could be autism based?!
FFS. Maybe in some cases. I'm going to shout now though. I'M NOT AUTISTIC AND I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY AS MUCH AS I DO OTHER PEOPLE'S!
For crying out loud.

So not only do we have to put up with on MN and in RL that it's not normal to be a woman and go out by yourself, now it's automatically could be autism based?!
FFS. Maybe in some cases. I'm going to shout now though. I'M NOT AUTISTIC AND I ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY AS MUCH AS I DO OTHER PEOPLE'S!
For crying out loud.

The key was bad experience after bad experience with interpersonal relationships and writing them off as a result. Not 'enjoying your own company'. But enjoy your strop.

Computer im definitely not a troll so jog on thankyou very much.
I said ops home life is her priority because right now theres something clearly going wrong! Sort your shit out before you go out and obviously provoking a reaction from your dp.
Im a mother and go out on a regular basis with my friends, i go with the blessing of my dp. If he objected id stay home and sort it out-even if that meant leaving him.
I just don't see the point in being hell bent on going no matter what

Montane what the fuck are you on about about.

Op sounds like she's trying to navigate life with a controlling man.

She sounds like she's just waking up to the fact he's a prick.

Wanting to go out is not childish.

If you go he wont leave, that is just weapon one in the arsenal of the controlling man.

Next time it will be a bigger threat, and so on until he hits on that something that stops you making your own decisions.

Or it wont be a threat, it will be consequences. The conequences are not confined to the silent treatment or sulking, they can be physical and dangerous.

Why risk any of that?

Dump him and then on his access weekends you can do what the hell you like with who the hell you like and he can precisely nothing to stop you.

Sort your shit out before you go out and obviously provoking a reaction from your dp

Why the hell should wanting to go out provoke a reaction in the first place?!

I said ops home life is her priority because right now theres something clearly going wrong!
Yes, there is! Her partner won't let her go out by herself and threatens to leave if she tries!
So that's suddenly "shit the op should be sorting out and staying at home and making her family the priority?"
All because her partner throws a shit fit when she wants to go out and brings out the blackmail?
No. What should be happening to sort out the family dynamics is mutually helping out and mutually letting the other partner go out and taking it in turns and not stopping them from having any time to themselves!
If you're for real, you're worrying.

But it's not just the going out he's controlling over, it's more than that as this demonstrates: Since I started attending the gym a few months ago he will ask me if I spoke to any men there and when I say no I went straight to the womens only area to work out I have to swear on my childs life that I didnt talk to another man!

I agree with others who've suggested that the reason OP doesn't have friends is down to her controlling tw@ of a partner. He's probably used her friends having let her down in the past to convince her that he's the only person she can trust in order to isolate her and make her easier to control.

the issue here is that he doesn't trust me actually I think that's just a line he tells you in order to get you to behave as he wants and do as he wants in order for you to "prove" to him he can trust you. Unfortunately this is just another tactic to control you and you can't win because he'll keep moving the goalpost.

If he objected id stay home and sort it out-even if that meant leaving him.
I just don't see the point in being hell bent on going no matter what

That is entirely understandable with a reasonable partner. If a reasonable partner seems to have a problem, it would likely be callous and disrespectful to not even ask what the problem is. What that does not necessarily amount to, and where I think you seem to be confused, is getting your partner's 'blessing'.

If the OP knows why her partner doesn't want her to go out, has discussed it in the past, going out anyway is not rude, is not disrespectful, is not callous. Nor is it failing to work on some sort of joint relationship problem. You can't 'work out' this kind of problem.

No it isn't, staying in and sorting out a relationship is.Op do not take the advice of idiots encouraging you to go out.
You're a lone voice on here for a reason. Your thinking is skewed. You say yourself you've been in an ea relationship for 20 years. So your thinking will be along the lines of the OP. Even if you say you have eventually got out.
Please, OP, take it from those of us who have only ever known healthy relationships. It's not normal. You should be able to have a child and want to go out with friends or by yourself for a bit too. Doesn't mean you love them any less.
If anything, you come back more refreshed and happy when you've had a couple of hours to yourself!

Student1994,

re an earlier comment you made:-

"Sometimes deep down I know i'd be happier without him and can't imagine putting up with some of his behaviour forever but I do love him and i've had a traumatic childhood and have no interest in drama or conflict"

I was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up; the above is extremely telling. What sort of an example did your parents show you; a relationship with lots of drama and conflict?. Are you really replaying the type of dysfunctional relationship your own parents showed you?

Perhaps you are confusing love with co-dependency. Your relationship to this man strikes me as being a co-dependent one where he now has all the power and control; you have subsumed your own needs to him and he being the abuser that he is has taken full advantage. He can and does go out doesn't he and on his own too. He does not have another man with him being instructed to keep tabs on him and not let him out of his sight does he?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships; a similar set of damaging lessons to how you were?. She cannot afford to grow up thinking this type of set up is at all normal because it is not.

Did you meet him when you were in a low place yourself?. I think you were targeted by this man and deliberately so.

This man student, wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He will not stop doing this either, such men feel entitled to act like this and do not change.

What do you know about his family background, there are often clues there. I would think that either one or both his parents are controlling and such behaviour is abusive.

He has seen you as someone easier to control and manipulate partly because of your own traumatic childhood. He is truly the lowest of the low for doing this to you by causing you even more problems.

Sometimes deep down I know i'd be happier without him and can't imagine putting up with some of his behaviour forever but I do love him and i've had a traumatic childhood and have no interest in drama or conflict. I do crave a quiet life just with the odd night off if you know what I mean.

But it isn't just about you is it. You have a daughter to think of. If you were single and chose to stay with this man for a quiet life then that would be your choice. However he will also be the same controlling asshole to your daughter. Do you want her to grow up like that? Not allowed out, controlling her friends if he let's her have any, threats if she doesn't do what he wants etc.

You have a far bigger problem than one night out in a bar.

but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me

I hope the door doesn't hit his arse on his way out.

You don't have a quiet life do you OP? Not unless you do what he wants.

He cross examines and makes her swear on her child's life she was a good little girl and scurried straight to the women's only section of the gym, making damned sure not to catch any males eyes in case they say hi.

He sounds like an utter prick. What gives him the right to tell you where you can go?

He sounds like he's judging you by his own standards.