Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

260 replies

Student1994 · 08/03/2017 22:18

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Original poster
Student1994 · 08/03/2017 22:54

I'm glad I posted on here to see others perspectives because in my mind I felt like he had a point but he has been to the pub lots of times alone so it can't be much different. And I don't mind that, infact I encourage it as I think he should have a break once in a while so why can't I. Last time this happened over a year ago I had to go to the bar with his mates girlfriend and her mates who I had never met before. She locked arms with me and said she is on strict instructions from my partner to not let me out of her sight. It was a miserable night as these girls just wanted to stand in the corner, no dancing or nothing. He has just suggested I can go out with that girl again but I definitely don't want to

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 08/03/2017 22:54

hesterton

If the poor love has stood for this behaviour thinking it normal, I'd imagine she's be pretty shocked that we can all see this.
I do hope you realise this OP, people on here will advise you and understand because they have been where you are and experienced it.

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 22:55

Why are you ignoring what everyone is saying?

Maybe it's hard to hear these things and doesn't want to acknowledge it Sad
My friend used to be in one of these relationships. Could never understand how she could put up with not being allowed out by herself, or to see her friends for an evening out.
It's not normal. But when they're enmeshed in it I don't think they see it. Or if they do they ignore that it's really not right. Sad
OP, you're allowed out by yourself. It's NORMAL to go out by yourself!
I've been with DH for approx 20 years and as much as I love going places with him, I also love time by myself as well.
If I want a night out? It's "OK, see you later, have fun!"
That's normal.
Telling you what to do and where to go isn't.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2017 22:56

Why did you stop going out? You say it's your favourite barehen did you go last?

CharlotteCollins · 08/03/2017 22:56

He doesn't seem to know you very well... Either that or he doesn't like things about you and so he's going to try and change you.

The fact you are considering altering your behaviour for an easy life is a red flag. If you adjust to keep him happy now, you will have to do so much more to keep the peace in a few years.

HE is being unreasonable. You would not be, if you went out. You would be if you stayed in because he told you to.

gillybeanz · 08/03/2017 22:57

tell him to fuck off with his suggestions.
He's giving you his permission OP
He's not your Dad, love. Thanks

Emboo19 · 08/03/2017 22:57

Sorry op, but he very sounds controlling.

You say you're sociable and happy to chat to anyone, yet you don't have friends. Does he make it difficult for you to have friends?

I'm only young too op, my daughters 5 months and I'm going out for the first time this weekend, yay!! The conversation with my bf, went like this..... me..'j I'm going out Friday, so you'll need to watch dd' J..'ok what time? Do you need a lift?' Followed by a discussion about milk and how much I'll leave, as I'm breastfeeding.

Please go out and have fun and if this isn't a one off, consider leaving the relationship.

SandyY2K · 08/03/2017 22:58

I stopped asking permission to go out when I left my parents house and whilst I wouldn't go out on my own, good on you for having the courage to do so.

You really don't need to be with such a controlling insecure man.

It's not just about this one outing, but your whole relationship.

nestofvipers · 08/03/2017 22:59

chocolatecoveredmarshmallows. It doesn't, but the not liking it combined with not allowing it, threatening to leave her if she does, consequences if she does is controlling, especially since it's coming from someone who goes to the pub alone himself some of the time.

jeaux90 · 08/03/2017 22:59

I often take myself down the pub on my own. He's being a controlling asshole.

Please go out anyway. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about him.

PacificDogwod · 08/03/2017 22:59

Have a read of this and see if you recognise your relationship patterns.

Megatherium · 08/03/2017 23:00

He will accuse me of everything the next day so I really don't think it's worth it

Just get him out of your life. Do you really want to spend the rest of it with this sulky immature boring man, trying to avoid his stupid accusations and put up with his sulks? Are you seriously happy to spend every evening sitting meekly indoors because he doesn't want to go out but doesn't trust you to go out on your own? You do realise, don't you, that he'll decide that he can't "allow" you to get a job because of course you're only doing it to go after other men? And he can't "allow" you do to volunteer work, or pursue a hobby, or do anything on your own for the same reason? Seriously, if you don't get out you will find yourself increasingly being imprisoned.

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 23:00

She locked arms with me and said she is on strict instructions from my partner to not let me out of her sight.

WTAF?! And you let her? Sorry, but I do think it might be a certain personality trait or something to actually put up with that.
I'd be like "gerroff my arm!" and possibly try to put her in some kind of death grip if she persisted Grin
Please, please, get away from all this nonsense. You're only early 20s. You're still so young. You don't need to put up with all this shit. Life's far too short.

MammaTJ · 08/03/2017 23:00

Sorry but going out just on your own is not normal

DP goes out with his workmates sometimes, that is fine!! Some of them are well sexy women, including a lady who pole dances. I go out with my friends on my own, all good, most of us are attached, not on the pull. All good.

Either of us saying we just fancied a night out and could you drop me to the club, then I will get a taxi home, not a chance in hell!

What would you be getting from this?
I just don't get it!

MrsDustyBusty · 08/03/2017 23:03

Sorry but going out just on your own is not normal

Normal isn't strictly defined as "things MammaTJ likes to do".

magoria · 08/03/2017 23:04

He doesn't want to go with her. He is bored of bars (but happy to go down the pub alone). Why should she sit at home because he is refusing to go out with her?

She said she fancied a night out and he didn't want to go. She didn't just say she was off on one. He could go with her and police her as effectively as his friends.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 08/03/2017 23:05

You are still so young, p,ease find your voice and stop asking for permission to go out Sad

AfroPuffs · 08/03/2017 23:05

He is actually judging you by his own standards OP. He is most likely up to no good "down the pub" and is controlling you to be at home like a good little girl. Get out of this relationship fast. Your life will be a misery otherwise.

CharlotteCollins · 08/03/2017 23:06

Well, now you've seen how entirely reasonable you're being, the only solution is to go out, isn't it?

And then go out again when he moves out, and celebrate.

ScarlettFreestone · 08/03/2017 23:06

He isn't your Dad, he doesn't get to "allow" you anything.

You are an adult.

If he doesn't trust you then the relationship has no future.

As for sending someone to spy on you, words fail me.

Original poster
Student1994 · 08/03/2017 23:06

Thats what I mean MammaTJ I do see it from his perspective and it may sound odd but its not like it sounds. It is always so busy and I always see people I know as it's in my home town. I know the door men and the owners too. I am tipsy and everyone else is drunk so people just talk to anyone and you sing dreadfully with eachother. It's just a laugh that's all and a few hours to be daft with no responsbilities or housework or uni work etc.

OP posts:
glitterazi · 08/03/2017 23:07

Sorry but going out just on your own is not normal

Says who?! Confused Maybe to you, but other people aren't you, you know!
Don't know about everyone else, but I love a night out with my friends.
I also just as much enjoy going out by myself sometimes!
in fact I had a fantastic few hours at the pub by myself this weekend

Original poster
Student1994 · 08/03/2017 23:08

I'd also happily have him pick me up but my 2 year old will be sound asleep so that's not an option

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 08/03/2017 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outabout · 08/03/2017 23:09

You should go out.The only discussion should be to check that OH will be at home to look after DD.