Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

[CharlotteCollins]

That is not his perspective, though. He is not saying, "That's weird. I can't stop you, but I'd never do it myself." He's saying, "I don't like it, so I'll threaten something major - leaving you ffs - so you don't do it.

Can you not see the difference?

[MammaTJ]

Normal isn't strictly defined as "things MammaTJ likes to do".

It actually is!

Never mind if you don't get it. I have been in a few relationships, two marriages and a long term relationship that has beat those two into the water.

It has not been normal in any of those for me to say 'I am going out, no friends involved, just for the hell of it, random strangers, Drop me off please and I will get a taxi home'.

My first husband used to even threaten suicide when I went out with my girlfriends. I was strong enough to say 'Don't make it messy, but that is your choice about me living a normal life, not your judgement on me being unreasonable'.

[glitterazi]

I tell you what isn't normal. (Got me going now, lol.) That we've got to 2017 and you STILL have people thinking "it's not normal" for women to go out and enjoy their own company!
Screw that. I think it's less normal to think you can't go out and enjoy yourself without being accompanied by other people! Know a few people who think like this, that they'd never go out by themselves.
It's a strange outlook to me to never be comfortable out in your own company.

[PussInCoutts]

He sounds appalling.

This is not normal. It's coercive and controlling behaviour which is a crime these days.

Seriously, you need to LTB.

[Emboo19]

What's so different about going out to a bar/pub alone and doing other things alone, shopping/gym? It might not be something I'd personally do, but if I wanted to I'd go and no boyfriend would be stopping me!!

Also, I don't get the 'he's not your dad comments'. As a adult neither my mum or dad would be telling me I couldn't go out either!

[CharlotteCollins]

You're still just hearing his voice. When posters sound like him, you hear them. I think nothing else is really computing.

How can you be so wary about being hurt and yet so willing to hand over control of your life to someone who doesn't trust you and will threaten to leave in order to manipulate your behaviour? Over something which should be a non-issue!

[Student1994]

I know if I was reading this as an outsider I would be saying just go out and have fun. But it's the constant questioning the next day about where I was, who was there, did any guys hit on me etc etc. Since I started attending the gym a few months ago he will ask me if I spoke to any men there and when I say no I went straight to the womens only area to work out I have to swear on my childs life that I didnt talk to another man! I do know thats not normal behaviour and I have told him to stop as it isn't right but he still sulks when I get in!

[HeddaGarbled]

Hmm, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think this sounds odd.

Here is a young woman who has no friends and doesn't want any because she doesn't want to get hurt. Her idea of a good time is to go to a bar on her own and get tipsy/merry and meet new people, which apparently she's very good at. But only for the night, not to develop friendships.

You say you will talk to all genders, ages etc but you will be hit on as both you and your partner know full well. I believe you when you say that's not what you are looking for but I can also see why your partner is concerned.

I agree with everyone that it's not for your partner to tell you what you can and can't do.

But I don't think you are leading the best life you could be leading. You seem to have got yourself into this joyless life with a much older partner, a baby and no friends at a very young age. One night in a bar isn't going to fix that. Look at the bigger picture. University is the ideal place to meet people who can become real friends.

[PussInCoutts]

There are many men like your partner who like a significantly younger female partner to boss around. i had a similar age difference when I got together with ex. He was controlling too and an ex for a great reason, and we have DC together. Escape as soon as you can, don't waste your life on an abusive control freak!

[PussInCoutts]

I know if I was reading this as an outsider I would be saying just go out and have fun. But it's the constant questioning the next day about where I was, who was there, did any guys hit on me etc etc. Since I started attending the gym a few months ago he will ask me if I spoke to any men there and when I say no I went straight to the womens only area to work out I have to swear on my childs life that I didnt talk to another man! I do know thats not normal behaviour and I have told him to stop as it isn't right but he still sulks when I get in!

I'm afraid he will not change. I'm ten years older than you and speak from experience. You are going to have to exit this relationship pronto. Call Women's Aid and they will confirm your partner is abusive and controlling.

[KittyWindbag]

You do realize that this night out is just your short term problem?

You have much more serious problems long term if you continue to live with this controlling, emotionally manipulative man. This is not a healthy relationship.

It's also not healthy to have accepted having no friends at 22. Your life has barely started. Don't let him take it all away from you.

[tipsytrifle]

You sound a vivacious life-loving soul and at 20 you had a child. Since then you have been doing what you "should do" constantly. You're clearly responsible, caring for a child, continuing your studies.

I'm not surprised you're stir crazy and want to just get out and blow off some steam! At 30 (did i get it right?) he sounds old beyond his years - but then he gets to let off his steam so I'm thinking - hmmm - what's going on here? His insecurity and assumptions that you want to kiss others (is that really how he put it? Seems a tad weird to me) are red flags in a breeze threatening to hit storm force as time goes on.

How would you feel if he did actually leave when you went out? I don't think he would but it sounds like it's a crux point - that something might happen. Maybe that something would show you who he really is regarding your roles in this relationship; maybe something you ought to know rather than avoid much longer?

Do you have childcare (other than him) organised for your potential night out?

[Obsidian77]

It's a classic tactic of an abusive person to cut their partner off from friends and other social circles and especially to say you can't trust anyone else, you can only trust me and I know what's best for you.
There are so many red flags in what you have posted. Your partner sounds very controlling.
Are there any counsellors or a personal tutor you can speak to at college?

[CharlotteCollins]

I hope if you were reading this as an outsider you would say it's not worth all the questioning, the lack of trust, the mind games - get out of there as far as you can!

Do not marry this man.

[MammaTJ]

It's not about women in a relationship going out and being wrong. I also think it would be wrong for men to do it too!

If a woman was to come on here and say her DP/DH wanted to just go out for a night out, not with his mates, just for the hell of it the reaction would be very different! They would assume he was on the pull!

[PussInCoutts]

But I don't think you are leading the best life you could be leading. You seem to have got yourself into this joyless life with a much older partner, a baby and no friends at a very young age. One night in a bar isn't going to fix that. Look at the bigger picture. University is the ideal place to meet people who can become real friends.

The real issue here is that OP is controlled by an older man who uses emotionally abusive tactics and coercive behaviour to continue keeping OP isolated from anything except her partner and their DD.

It's a non issue to go out, for goodness' sakes go out and have fun.

It won't solve things but neither will staying home, and at least you'll get to relax and speak to some other people who might be friendly unlike your abusive DP.

The only solution to your real problem, OP, is to LTB. This will only get worse and worse if you stay.

[Student1994]

I know it isn't the norm but I don't really care about being normal as we will be dead one day anyway so do as you like is how i've always felt- aslong as you don't hurt others that is. I can be polite, friendly with people and talk to strangers but I find it hard to connect and make that transition from friendly acquantaince to close friendships. I don't know why and I know it's something I need to work on but I am a bit of a loner and enjoy my own company

[CharlotteCollins]

Lots of people here are saying he is controlling.

What do you think?

Could you read up on what controlling relationships look like and how they develop? And think about future steps?

And make a decision now not to marry this man!

[glitterazi]

If a woman was to come on here and say her DP/DH wanted to just go out for a night out, not with his mates, just for the hell of it the reaction would be very different! They would assume he was on the pull!

Going to the pub for a few by yourself doesn't automatically mean you're "on the pull", regardless of what sex you are.

[CharlotteCollins]

Having friends isn't important to everybody, some people just like to connect with others from time to time as you do.

You don't need to justify yourself. To MN or to him.

[PussInCoutts]

I know it isn't the norm but I don't really care about being normal as we will be dead one day anyway so do as you like is how i've always felt- aslong as you don't hurt others that is. I can be polite, friendly with people and talk to strangers but I find it hard to connect and make that transition from friendly acquantaince to close friendships. I don't know why and I know it's something I need to work on but I am a bit of a loner and enjoy my own company

You sound like me when I was your age. I have since been diagnosed with asperger's syndrome. Aspies are awesome. Might be worth checking out. My diagnosis helped me accept myself as opposed to always feeling I should 'try harder' to be 'normal' etc.

[PussInCoutts]

Asperger women are also notorious for getting involved with abusive, controlling men ,as the naivety can make us more vulnerable for controlling behaviour, mind games etc,

[gillybeanz]

Just go out and when he questions you the next day tell him an elaborate story about how many men you kissed.

[ShakingAndShocked]

'My H wouldn't be happy with this arrangement and he isn't at all controlling.

No love, of course he's not...

Happy International Womens Day everyone