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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

260 replies

Student1994 · 08/03/2017 22:18

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Report

SeriousSteve · 08/03/2017 23:30

Please don't tolerate these poisonous words, or feel guilty about going out. You're being controlled and I bet in a myriad of other ways too. Get out.

Jux · 08/03/2017 23:30

Go! Please go. He's not your dad, though when you say things like "I do everything I'm supposed to" you sound like a child pleading with her parents that "I've done all my chores and my homework and my violin practise, and I really really want to go to Sharon's party. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease dad". He does not get to give you permission.

You don't question him when he goes out. There's supposed to be this thing called trust between two people in a relationship and he's not showing that he has any. Is that because you habitually kiss strange men you bump into in pubs (unlikely) or is it his failing?

Without trust, there's no relationship worth having.

Student1994 · 08/03/2017 23:31

I appreciate your insights anyway and i'm glad I posted. I'm going to read up on controlling behaviour and see what relates etc. Sometimes deep down I know i'd be happier without him and can't imagine putting up with some of his behaviour forever but I do love him and i've had a traumatic childhood and have no interest in drama or conflict. I do crave a quiet life just with the odd night off if you know what I mean.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 08/03/2017 23:31

soon he will stop u going anywhere-cant u see that

first its nights out then the gym-one day it will be why are u going shopping alone

hes slowly taking your indepenence away and grinding you down

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 23:32

Just go out and when he questions you the next day tell him an elaborate story about how many men you kissed.
As tempting as that'd be, if he's as big an arse to get all controlling about going out, I really wouldn't be saying that to him.

Wdigin2this · 08/03/2017 23:37

Firstly he can't tell you what to do, secondly......I don't really understand why you'd want to go to a bar on your own to get merry! But thirdly why doesn't he want to have a night out with you, (assuming you can get a babysitter) and does it have to be all night in the bar....can't you compromise, a meal then a few drinks in the bar?

humblesims · 08/03/2017 23:42

so do as you like is how i've always felt
But youre not doing as you like are you. You'd like to go out but you're not because he wont give you permission. You dont need permission to go. Why is he so overly concerned if you talk to other men? Its because he doesnt trust you isnt it. So...he has no trust and you have no freedom. That my friend is not a good place to be.

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 23:44

..I don't really understand why you'd want to go to a bar on your own to get merry!

Another one. Why? Just accept people are different to yourself! Sometimes it's lovely to go to a bar or a pub and sit there with a glass or ten of wine whilst you FB or MN on the free wifi, or play the fruit machines, or dance in a packed club. (Who knows or cares if you're with anyone when you're all jam packed in anyway and dancing like sardines so impossible to know who's with who?!)

watermelongun · 08/03/2017 23:46

Omg fuck 'compromise'! He is a controlling arse! To compromise is like saying he has a point. And all the 'why would you go out alone' naysayers, well I could think a million things I wouldn't do but other people enjoy (cycling for one!) but it doesn't make those activities wrong! There's a biker / metal type bar near me that I'd happily go alone to, have a drink, watch a band, come home. If I do there's always some random or group to get chatting to and a good night is had by all.

Op, you can't live like this, please leave this dipshit. And worse his controlling behaviour will get - it's always the way with this type. Don't waste your life on him. He can get to fuck, and you can get to the bar!

Student1994 · 08/03/2017 23:47

He said he is done with going out to bars as they are pretty much for single people anyway so can't understand why i'd want to go. The times would be something like 9.30 pm - 2.30am as I'll be putting my little girl to bed first. My phone would be on and i'd txt him through the night aswell.

Its a bar I know well including the staff and regulars so I would never be stood alone. It is so busy that you can easily lose your friends in there anyway. Everyone sings and dances together. It's a friendly, laid back place. That's why I want to go and its an excuse to make abit of effort with my appearance, have a drink to relax and a dance. It's a change of scenery I suppose.

OP posts:

Meowstro · 08/03/2017 23:48

OP, the conversation should have been: "Just to let you know, I'm going out this weekend." You're 22 are a hard working mother and deserve a night out. He can like it or lump it but that isn't your problem, in a healthy relationship your partner should trust you to go out alone.

You already don't go out all weekend, every weekend by your own admission, eventually it will be seeing family or uni. If you go out, maybe he'll leave you, maybe he won't but just maybe he'll get the message he can't stop you from going out or he'll go which will be a favour to you.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 08/03/2017 23:48

I'd hazard a guess that OP would have more friends to meet up with (as in arrange to meet somewhere, not just bump into) if her partner wasn't such an utter cock.

OP, I wasted some of my twenties, all of my thirties and a bit of my forties with a miserable, controlling fucker. LTB.

glitterazi · 08/03/2017 23:54

OP, the conversation should have been: "Just to let you know, I'm going out this weekend."

Yes. If I wanted a night out with friends it'd be "I'm going out Friday night, is that OK?" (obviously asking now we have kids and need to make sure he's available to look after them. Before kids it'd be I'm off out. See you later!")
Always been OK. It's never OK to feel like you're not allowed out.

Montane50 · 09/03/2017 00:00

I don't think you should go, and i also think you sound like a petulant child.
Yep im now bracing myself for the usual mn tirade when a poster dares contradict the majority

ageingrunner · 09/03/2017 00:02

Why do you say that Montane?

PopcornBits · 09/03/2017 00:03

You keep justifying it like we're judging you, we're not, your partner is.
He's the one making poor assumptions about what you will do.
Stop justifying it to him, he isn't your dad, he doesn't get to tell you what to do. If he chooses not to go then that's his choice isn't it? That doesn't mean you feel the same, and that you agree it's just for single people, because it certainly isn't.

There's no shame in going out on your own, if you weren't with him you'd still do it, and it would probably be for the exact same reasons as now! There's no difference, he is just creating a scenario from his own paranoia.

He sounds absolutely miserable. Please just tell him you're going out, and that it's your choice.

Raistline · 09/03/2017 00:04

Why is it odd for OP to want to go out alone?

I was hurt by family and bullied incessantly at school. I was more than happy in my own skin until I met DP, yet even now I'm still very comfortable in my own company.

PopcornBits · 09/03/2017 00:05

Montane sounds like she's never been in a position where she's had a man controlling her.

Because when you are you're made to feel like a child, maybe that's why you perceive OP that way.

Student1994 · 09/03/2017 00:05

No its okay Montane, I am happy to hear different perspectives as it's important to be aware of both sides

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 09/03/2017 00:07

op u only reply to the posters who agree with your dp-why is that

glitterazi · 09/03/2017 00:09

I don't think you should go, and i also think you sound like a petulant child.
Yep im now bracing myself for the usual mn tirade when a poster dares contradict the majority

Why do you think the OP shouldn't be going out? You're entitled to your opinion, but you are definitely BU to just say "you shouldn't go out and you're like a petulant child" and not say why!

Student1994 · 09/03/2017 00:11

Yes- I know the usual reaction of someone going out alone is often frowned upon but I do think it is becoming more common these days. Why not anyway? I don't understand why society is so judgemental. It doesn't affect anyone negatively so it shouldn't even be an issue. But that is how I think when I am a single woman. I feel like having a partner means I need to be considerate to him and respect his views- which are 'it's wrong, sounds bad and means youre up to no good.' In that case my compromise is to not bother but then I am miserable :/.

OP posts:

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Student1994 · 09/03/2017 00:14

GabsAlot i'm not really sure why but it feels like I have to explain more to them than it does to the other posters if that makes sense

OP posts:

glitterazi · 09/03/2017 00:15

I feel like having a partner means I need to be considerate to him and respect his views- which are 'it's wrong, sounds bad and means youre up to no good.' In that case my compromise is to not bother but then I am miserable :/

You're right, being in a relationship should mean being considerate to others needs and respecting their views. However, where is that from his side? Doesn't sound like he's tolerant or even cares about what you want or need.
Relationships should be a two way mutual thing.
He's making you miserable and making you feel restricted. Why stay?

AfroPuffs · 09/03/2017 00:18

All you're actually doing is repeating yourself OP - you seem very happy to tell us what your DP thinks, what a great place this bar is and the plans you have in place to help keep him "sweet" when you're out (text messages, putting baby to bed beforehand....blah blah blah)

Are you actually LISTENING to anyone here? You need to wake up and open your eyes. Truly.

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