Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 31 32 33 ··· 39 40

Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 19/03/2017 22:19

You are all so lovely. Magi you're not too old to be an aunty - I'd wager I'm probably older than all the lovely posters I've just called 'aunty'! I do have wonderful friends Drama, both in rl and here. I feel so touched by everyone's thoughtfulness and kindness.

I will get through Wednesday - as you say, what choice do I have. I'm tormenting myself with the thought of the committal - how do people stand it?

OP posts:

bookbook · 19/03/2017 22:25

I bet you are not as old as me - over 60 ( don't know when that happened !).

DramaAlpaca · 19/03/2017 22:37

I'm guessing we're probably a similar age Juan, but I'm more than happy to be an honorary auntie & provide hugs and handholds as & when required.

In the early hours of tomorrow it will be three weeks, won't it? Will be thinking of you x

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 19/03/2017 22:38

Oh aren't they lovely! 😊 (If you'd prefer cardi's I'm sure they'll do some of those too if you ask x)

It's good you've accepted your friends offer to help. It's one thing off your plate (literally!) and it honestly will be good for them too, to be able to help. Win/win 💐

Going to places, bank statements, mail arriving - it really Is all heart breakingly difficult. It's just so bloody unfair xx

I find the anticipation of the funeral worse than the actual funeral. I hate public speaking & detest being the centre of attention, but I spoke at my Dad's funeral (I had a friend ready to read what I'd written if I needed her to). I don't know if it was adrenalin, or because it's just so bloody surreal or what, but it was ok. During the rest of the service I cried, but I didn't completely lose it. It doesn't matter if you do though, you're surrounded by family & friends who knew & loved M too, no one is judging you xx. You'll get through it because there's no other option xx

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 19/03/2017 22:50

Yes Drama, three weeks at 5.40 tomorrow - in some ways feels like he's been gone for ages, in other ways that he was here just minutes ago :(.

That was brave Chipping - speaking at your dad's funeral. I was going to write some words and ask someone to read them for me. But my 3 eldest dc have written tributes they want to read, M's youngest sibling, his best friend and several other friends all want to speak. After that, we're going to invite anyone else who wants to say something to do so. And really all I want to say is that I love him - so his best friend is going to say that for me and thank my dc for being who/what they are.

I've been trying to distract myself by reading but concentrating is a problem just now.

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 19/03/2017 22:54

The committal (or rather the crematorium equivalent for us) is always hard. Really hard. I just let the tears flow & try to think of them being elsewhere...but I choose to believe there's something after this life, just so I can feel like I will see them again. Calm on the outside, screaming inside.

Who will be there to support you? In my opinion you need one person who is there, for you. Someone who is there to be there for you, not someone who is there for themselves, so not your DC, not close family etc. One of your friends who can sit right near you, if not beside you.

bookbook · 19/03/2017 22:55

I must admit, I don't think I could have done it at my DDads funeral - I was in a right state, and my youngest was only a month old . But I coped , thats all that is necessary in truth.
Could you try audio books? that way , you don't have to concentrate, just listen and let it wash over you xx

marriednotdead · 19/03/2017 22:57

Just popped by to see you. Not here often enough to bestow the title of auntie on but I'm thinking of you and wishing you peaceful moments and happy memories to help carry you along with through your sorrow

Chasingsquirrels · 19/03/2017 22:59

Just popping on to say night before I go to sleep Juan. I hope you have a peaceful night. Red jumpers are lovely. xx

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 19/03/2017 23:06

My Mum didn't speak either, but my siblings & I all mentioned her in what we said. We had quite a few people speak too, some planned & some invited at the time, as you're doing. We booked the crematorium out for the afternoon so no one felt pressured to hurry up.

I've mentioned it recently on here, I think it was to you (but I'm sorry, I can't remember for sure and my iPad/MN is playing up too much to scroll through to see) the Crem offered us the choice of having the service recorded. Initially I said no as it seemed too morbid & 'weird' but I changed my mind as I knew I wouldn't remember who had spoken, let alone what they'd said. Several years on & I've still not watched it, I just can't, but I like knowing it's there, that I could if I want to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2017 23:19

Those little red jumpers are adorable, Juan - what a lovely, touching addition they will be to the order of service.

Re. the committal - the thing to remember is that M is no longer in there. He's just not. Whatever was him, the essence of him, has gone and left the earthly clay behind - I know you have troubles with the idea of spirit and anything "after" but the life force, his energy, has departed the building that was his body. He isn't in that coffin, only the leftover bits are. If you can see it that way, it does help, I promise.

(it doesn't, however, help when the coffin bearers slip on the corner of the grave and nearly drop the coffin, as happened with my Nanna. That was a real tragi-comic moment!)

Willow2017 · 20/03/2017 00:23

Love those little jumpers Juan, they will be lovely on the order of services, such a personal touch.

Good idea about the audio books, just sit back and let it wash over you, no effort required.

I imagine the closer to wednesday you get the worse it feels, its so final isnt it? You just dont want to face it, dont want to face all those people being nice when you think you will just want to run away and pretened its not happening. It must be like being forced towards something you dont want to see. Often we find that in the moment we are more calm than we ever thought we would be, that we get through it somehow and suddenly its done. (I felt like that when my parents died, I was terrified of the funerals but somehow was as cool as a cucumber and just got through them, bit of self preservation I suspect. I dont do public displays of emotion well, apart from happiness with my kids/embarassing my teen ) I am sure your family and friends will be your strength and support.

Hope you get a good nights rest.

daisychain01 · 20/03/2017 06:48

Awwww! Those little red jumpers are super-cute how unique.

Will be with you in spirit on the day of the funeral. I'm off work that day so I will walk down to the church and light a candle in your DHs memory even though I didn't know him, that doesn't matter in the grand scheme does it.

Take care KBO. X

2017SoFarSoGood · 20/03/2017 07:24

Love the sweaters. Such little labors of love.

Wednesday will be here and over in a flash, like these three weeks. You may surprise yourself and want / need to speak. Just do what feels like.

I have it in my calendar. Just to be quiet with you all for a moment. You make me think he's someone worthy of our moments.

TheConstantCakeEater · 20/03/2017 12:20

They look lovely. Hope today is kind to you.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 20/03/2017 17:10

Hi Juan. The jumpers are adorable. Nothing new to add but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and have worked out the time difference (I live in the US) so I can have a moment to sit and think about you all while you are at M's funeral on Wednesday ❤

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 20/03/2017 19:00

It's so lovely of you all to say you'll think of us on Wednesday, even from far afield. I'm guessing it'll be a strange sort of parody of my wedding day as some of the guests I'll not have seen since then. Just won't have M by my side.

Have had lots of calls and visitors today, including one off M's consultant T. He told me he loved M and would like to speak on Wednesday. I wish M knew how T felt - he had implicit faith in him and over the years they got to know each other pretty well :(. All arrangements are in place now I think.

We have about 60 little jumpers coming tonight. Also a load of red knitted bows which were quicker to make.

OP posts:

bookbook · 20/03/2017 20:19

Juan - just popping by to say I am thinking of you.
You are sounding quite calm tonight, hope that is the case
Thoughts and prayers xxx

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 20/03/2017 20:25

Evening book, thank you for checking in. I've cried a lot today - calm for now, yes. I think I might go and see M tomorrow. It's my last chance and I'm scared I'll regret it if I don't go.

OP posts:

TheConstantCakeEater · 20/03/2017 20:54

Good luck for tomorrow. I think it makes sense to go say goodbye. We'll be here for company x

magimedi · 20/03/2017 20:59

Also think you are right to go tomorrow.

Sending lots of love & hugs.

bookbook · 20/03/2017 21:40

Good plan Juan - it is too easy to not, do it , and then regret later .
Strength to you along with prayers xx

daisychain01 · 20/03/2017 22:02

Thinking of you tomorrow Juan. It is all so terrible, there's no point sugar coating it really, I actually sat on the step today reading this thread and found myself having a proper sob. I feel the same rawness now that I felt 10 years ago coming up to DHs funeral, and the visitation the day before. The loss is huge, the person who was the centre of your universe has gone and that bloody hurts. I feel that hurt for you.

Sorry it feels self- indulgent but it really hit home reading about the preparations for the funeral, its going to be one helluva send off!

TedEriksen · 20/03/2017 22:12

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to send you all the best. We lost my Dad recently (quite young and very sudden) so know a bit of what you're going through. He was a popular guy so the funeral got quite raucous later in the night.

Hope you're doing OK.

DramaAlpaca · 20/03/2017 22:20

Evening Juan.

I also think you should go to see M tomorrow. It will be your last chance for a private goodbye before the funeral, which will probably pass in a bit of a blur.

Much love x

Flip

1 2 ··· 31 32 33 ··· 39 40