"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's February 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

This might be a bit identifying but just to get it all out there, I've made a list of things that DM and step-dad have done in the last week that have made me uncomfortable. I'm thinking through the decision as to whether to go NC again, or LC and/or move away.

1. DD is 3, I'm wondering whether their influence over her will increase as she gets a bit older
2. Even now, I'm weirdly uncomfortable to the point where I don't want to leave her at their house or even leave the room while she's there. I wonder whether I'm being over-protective/unreasonable and too controlling, or whether it's justifiable instinct, don't honestly know
3. I wrote an AIBU a few days ago about step-dad kissing my daughter and when she protested, holding tighter and trying to 'make' her - twice. I finally said 'DD you don't have to have a kiss if you don't want one' - he let her go, but looked really irritated at me

3b - which also reminded me of when she was a baby and he kissed her on the lips (then seemed to look at me - at the time I thought it was a bit goad rather than untoward, but it made me feel angry as even I hadn't done that to her, and grossed out)

1. I went to their house yesterday, DD hadn't eaten much all day and I asked DM to make her some toast and beans, but step-dad offered her ice cream. i said no, please don't do that as i want her to eat something proper and if you offer that she won't want anything else. a minute later step-dad did the same again, again i said the same. 5 minutes later step-dad actually leads DD away fro me to the table, to sit next to 2 older GC who have had their meal and are eating massive bowls of ice cream again offering it - this time i walked over, loudly and directly said the same thing - i wasn't aggressive but absolutely assertive. step-dad looked p*ssed off but walked away into another room muttering. I feel like this was actively contradicting me as a parent
2. When DD was eating some fruit (which she does regularly as does every child I know), they have twice begun talking loudly right next to her - 'ooh look, she's eating fruit, none of theother GC eat fruit do they' - as though she's doing something freakish and abnormal. Now, I know that they must know it'snot abnormal. Maybe the other GC don't but that doesn't make it ok and isn't what I want for DD. I've twice asked them to stop doing this as don't want DD to stop eating healthy stuff because she listens to what they are saying - it's a stupid thing to say next to a small child (IMHO)
3. They refuse to not drink large amounts of alcohol around the GC, which makes them louder and more stupid in what they say etc - this is part of what makes me uncomfortable
4. Guilt/blame - so many things here, an example would be where they help me, but then pile on the guilt for having done that afterwards to the point where I wish they hadn't helped me in the first place. Or where step-dad turned up to help push my car in his slippers and then fell over, and they both repeatedly told me how I was responsible for him hurting himself on my behalf (though I'd strongly suggested he sat in the car, so he wouldn't hurt himself and he had refused)
5. Talking loudly next to DD about my heart problem (DM making it all dramatic and about her - 'ooh I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to you') when it's not something new, that they haven't known about for well over a decade, and when it did happen they didn't even turn up to the hospital to see me. DD picked up on this and started chanting 'die, die, die' - it was horrible, but they still didn't shut up or seem to notice the effect they were having on her, so I took her home

This on top of so much during my childhood..

..and other things that are just irritating to me - like step-dad yesterday thinking aloud that actually President Trump seems to be ok, he might actually sort everything out, looked how he's shown those North Koreans - FFS, I just don't know where to begin.

I've tried talking to them. I went a year NC, then sat down and explained why I had done that, in detail, which was very very hard for me to do. They seemed to listen, but haing heard a few comments since then I honestly think they pretended to hear me, then went home and had a discussion about how silly/stupid/wrong/unreasonable I was and decided between themselves that they were perfectly right. They haven't changed any behaviour.

Phew.. that's a lot of writing

The main problem I have is there is this pattern where a) they upset me b) I dwell on it c) I try to suppress it but it ends up bubbling up as anger d) I risk projecting the anger onto DD in my interactions with her, instead of directing it at DM and step-dad

Maybe LC is the least confrontational option

Sorry if I'm being weird or if this is not what this thread is for (if I am coming across as weird or unreasonable, I"m hoping someone will tell me).. all this stuff is going round in my head as I don't have anyone to talk it over with.

@usernamechange6579 you can talk to me if you want to. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things either but that's because I'm not sure where I would start.

@toomuchtooold I appreciate everything you have said and I was sent here because I was told my relationship with DM in particular is beyond ridiculous. I worry every day that my DC won't feel loved or will feel like he can't do anything right and so I have probably gone overboard on the love in our house and he'll grow up thinking he's better than everyone. I am constantly questioning my parenting ways.

@treaclechin I don't know if it's looking at my mum and putting her in a hierarchy exactly. I just think I wish my MiL was my mum more than my actual DM. Like @wannabehippychick says I get along with her better and she does things like randomly sends a message to see if I'm ok, asks after DC when he's poorly, she brought me round a bag of clothes the other day that were from SiL and before she put them online she picked the best ones out to give to me, she also loves her shopping trips and will randomly bring DC a top or pair of trousers she has found in the sales just because she thinks they look cute. None of these things my DM has ever done for us. She works in a clothes shop and will tell me about nice things AFTER they've sold out and says "well you should have come down to look" when she lives over an hour away. My DH's family is all very close and loving and they all get on really well. My DB seems to despise me and my DM tells me all the time i've ruined my relationship with my siblings by being so difficult and making it impossible to speak to me.

I don't know. I wonder sometimes if I am just the awkward one and I've missed something along the way that makes me the odd one out in the family. I have no confidence at all with anyone except my DC because I know he loves me unconditionally. But then I feel guilty because I should love MY DM unconditionally and I find that very difficult. I would hate my DS to ever feel about me like I feel about her. Sometimes I also think maybe I'm just attention seeking as my DM constantly tells me I make everything about me and never let anyone else have any happiness. I don't think I do that but even my Step-dad says I'm self obsessed so maybe it's true. I've had very little contact with my family since July of last year when the weekend after my wedding I was accused of ruining my DB birthday because I got married the day after and two days after my wedding I was tired and didn't want to go out all night drinking. She took my DC off me and screamed at me in public. Then no one, including my DH, spoke to me for the rest of the night. Since that moment it's been horrific.

Sorry I am going on. I'll get back in my box and keep my head down

MummyBear thank you. I question myself constantly.. that's probably a good thing, better than never doing it, but I'm also anxious as soon as I post that maybe I'm totally wrong and I just can't see it. Like you I believe I'm the scapegoat.. the bit you put about being told you're the difficult one, I've always had that.

What you put about your wedding and DB birthday, that doesn't sound right at all. Quite the opposite, I'd expect a 'normal' family to be happy for you, but what they said to you is horrible. A lot of people would be on honeymoon straight after their wedding, so not even around to go on a binge drink, and it's your prerogative to not to do that even if you're not just married.. What do you mean by she took your DC off you?

Like you, I have people who act way more like parents to me, than my parents ever did. I'm going to see them later. They think of me and DD constantly and are so kind. I can't imagine them doing any of the things I've listed. That's one of the things that keeps me sane when I doubt myself, I think, would these other people do this with me, their children or GC? The answer is usually no.

What DM and step-dad do is confusing, because they will seem kind and generous one minute and I'll get drawn into that, then they'll do something and I'll they trusting them, and get upset and angry all over again.

I thought of something else to add to the list. Step-dad offers something to DD like ice cream, then tells her she is naughty for taking his ice cream. Last time DD came home she got upset and wanted reassurance from me - ' mummy, x says I'm naughty but I'm not naughty am I?' She's a really lovely child and it made her anxious, I wouldn't use the 'n' word with her unless she did something seriously bad, so to her it wasn't really a joke, even if intended as such. She is a sensitive soul. I think if I explain things like this to DM and step-dad, they will treat it as me over-reacting.

MummyBear my DD is asleep and I read a couple more pages of 'Toxic Parents. Going to type out here in case you find it useful - p.258/9 in my copy:

"When Fred decided to go skiing instead of spending Christmas with his family, he was trying to be an individual, trying to free himself from his family system. instead, all hell broke loose. His other and his siblings treated him like the Grinch who stole Christmas, shoveling guilt by the trainload... his family formed a united front against him. He became the common enemy.. they attacked with anger, blame, and recriminations... to bring him back into line"

Might not apply to your situation at all, it's about being enmeshed with your family in this chapter, to the point where before you do something you start to think about how your family will react, what the consequences might be if you dare to go against what they might want.

Gosh, that made me gulp @namechange My learned default mode if I want to do something for myself is 'selfish', because that's how I'm made to feel (and I've been called it as punishment ). Food for thought for me there so thanks for sharing.

My goal is to become who I really am, not the things I've been cruelly labelled so that will definitely help me. It's also given me reassurance that I'm not the kind of parent they are because when my son had an opportunity to go away on Mother's Day weekend I encouraged him and said we can always catch up later and I 100% meant it.

I think when it comes to your kissy step dad it's probs a good idea to trust your instincts. I know that children from dysfunctional families are often labelled sensitive (as an insult) but maybe we're sensitive because we've had to learn to pick up on unspoken communication, if so trust it, it could be a survival technique?

@mummybear Your MIL sounds lovely. Xx

Oops! I might have been out with the kids today when the parents dropped by (unannounced). My mother apparently was knocking at the door, but dh didn't hear/thought it was the kids messing around as they were in and out playing with their friends. So when dd1 came in with a bag of eggs telling him they were at the door, dh might have been frustrated that they didn't think to just come in (like they usually do) and certainly didn't address him. It ended in a row with dh slinging the eggs out and saying the kids weren't having them, my parents getting angry with him that he was refusing the dc's gifts and me getting a million texts from dh and my father trying to call me while I was out.

You're welcome Treacle x

@treaclechin she's absolutely amazing and everything I hope to be as a parent. My own DM serves as a role model so far as to tell me what I don't want my DC to feel. I want him to never ever question if I love him or not. I want him to be able to come home as an adult and still want to hug me like he does now at 2yr old just because he feels like hugging me.

I'm sat in his dark bedroom crying right now because I love him so much. He's such a kind, caring, funny and happy little boy. He comes to find me sometimes when I'm cooking dinner just to see if I'm ok and if he can help. I'm terrified I'll hurt him and lose that innocent beautiful child. I have no idea how I got so lucky as to have someone so wonderful in my life and I'm so scared he'll realise there's horrible things in the world. I'm scared of becoming my parents where I hold things against him for years and drag things up constantly just to win an argument. Right now I can't imagine doing that but I don't think my life started like that either. I was happy once and had a mother who would check on me when I was meant to be asleep. She tells me all the lovely things she would do for us and I remember some of them so it makes me think I ruined it.

It's bad that I cry about how amazing my little boy is and how he's growing up too fast because it's silly. I never want him to not see me or not talk to me. My MiL once said she was glad I came along because my DH was always hanging about at their house every night before going home. She doesn't mean it though and she calls him most nights just to say hi. I've never had that at all. I was at uni 24hrs before my mum sent me photos of the new guest room.

Sorry. Xx

I've had these thoughts for a long, long time and am going to just list them on here as they spill out of my head.

From early teens onward I felt like my mother swung between thinking I was ugly and singing my praises.
Laying next to her on a beach abroad years ago I felt awkward and unattractive while she looked me up and down while she posing and postured next to my dad. She once told me I didnt have nice feet while hers were often complimented on in her youth (can't believe I'm writing that but it is true, it actually happened). Since then, I have hated my feet!
My dad was and is selfish and didn't care much about my mothers emotional needs.
As a teen I had quite bad acne and she acted like I had leprosy. She would examine me close up and repeatedly say it was such a shame. She still examines me and asks when i am going to lose weight, recently she came over to lift up my top to look at how fat i was. I was so fucking angry. I truly felt I was an ugly girl and still feel that at some level I am disgusting.
There are so, so many more examples I could list here its just that these few small ones are the ones that I've always remembered having huge impacts. They sound extremely petty but they had a massive emotional impact. My twenties were full of relationships with charming, abusing, childish men. At first they put me on a pedestal, towards the end I was demoralised and cheated on. Separated from abusive H last year, same situation.
Mother and dad now in very unhappy marriage, he does not speak to her for days and she feels alone.

I have felt for years and years that I do not love my mother, or even like her particularly. There is so much more that I realised about my teens onward and out relationship but just too much to list

We are not close like some mothers and daughters are and I feel like its affected my attitude towards female friend and the boyfriends I've chosen have reflected my parents' emotionally cut off relationship

I've just brain-dumped there and it doesn't sound much.

I think I need this thread

Just had a fall out with my (I suspect narc) mother and really need to get it out of my system so I don't allow it to fuck up the rest of what I hoped would be a lovely day with my family (ie DH and the DC).

She came round this morning to give the DC their eggs. I had invited her to stay for dinner. Somehow she brought the conversation round to a programme she had seen about dj's in the 70's and how these 'silly young girls would do anything to get near them, they knew exactly what they were doing...etc'. My teens boys were in the room - and I make a point of never letting these sort of remarks from her go - particularly in front of my DC - so I calmly say does she know what 'victim blaming' is, because that's what she is doing and go on to explain why she is completely out of order. She - in her usual style, gets in a strop and starts telling me I have no idea what I'm talking about, I know nothing, men will try it on and if girls want to behave that way they have themselves to blame. Ar this point I get angry and tell her to stop talking crap. She tells me its a good job she knows how to behave, plenty of people have tried it on with her. So I say 'like who?' And she says she could tell me some stories that would shock me but she 'keeps it to herself because she doesn't want to cause trouble'. So I say 'so you mean somebody I know?' And she grins - grins!! And says 'well she can't tell me'.

So I admit I get angry and say to her that if she is telling the truth she can't leave me fucking guessing who she means because that's sick. I start sarcastically saying do I need to get DH down here to defend himself as he's a man so if it could be anyone. (He's upstairs because he always finds an excuse to disappear when she's here). She says no don't be stupid, it was 'someone who's not around anymore. Anyway that's all I'm saying'.

I realise I'm flogging a dead horse and that once again she's got to me and drawn me into an argument I can never win. I go into the kitchen to bang some pots around - ten minutes later she says she's going home and goes.

I then ruin the rest of the morning getting upset and repeating the story to DH and replaying the whole conversation we have pretty much whenever I see her where I say I can't understand why she is so angry with me all the time, and why can't I learn to stop letting her get to me. He and DC1 (18) give me a hug and tell me to ignore her, that she's batshit and we can still have a nice day - probably nicer now she's gone home

But unfortunately I am now sitting here going through possible 'suspects' she may have been hinting at having tried it on with her. Is it an ex of mine? Is is a relative or a friend who I don't realise is a fucking pervert?

I want to forget this and move on with my day but once again, she has turned up st my house, dumped a load of shit on me and swanned off again.

Sorry for the brain dump.

BadTaste

From what I can gauge she got you to lose your temper, probably her goal, then once achieved wasn't interested in staying.

Your power is in remaining passive. Most definately easier said than done of course.

Teepish you are so right. Most of the time I manage to ignore the things she says - but sometimes, like today, she will push it and push it and say something so outrageous that I don't feel I have any choice but to tell her she's wrong - particularly in front of the DC. Or I lose my temper

She just knows exactly how to upset me. But then she would, being my mother. Just a bit fucking twisted that she likes to do it.

From your kids reaction after she left, its clear they know she's not quite normal. The next time she pushes you like this, force yourself to stay calm and blank faced. Not much eye contact, and make dismissive sounds like "oh noo. Oh dear...really... Yeahhh.." . Humour her then distract/change the subject if you can.

So much harder to say than do, but she clearly gets off on upsetting you so your passiveness is very important

Thank you

Yes you're right, my older DC know exactly what she's like - they do care about her; she's always a textbook sweet grandma to them - but having said that, when she's having a pop at me, them being there doesn't stop her .

I really need to work on not listening to her whilst being politely blank at the same time.

Have popped onto here in various guises over the years but would really appreciate being able to vent about my mother's behaviour. Like Flump, I think it's a case of not knowing what is normal and acceptable from a parent after years of nonsense from her

Firstly, she is very elderly and has been in hospital for a while. DH's Mum was also in the same hospital at the same time so we visited almost daily despite it being over an hour each way. Sadly, DH's Mum has died now, it was all very fast (just a matter of weeks). The day after her death, I rang my mother's ward to say we wouldn't be able to visit for 2 days as DH's Mum had died and I needed to be with DH and his Dad. So we missed 2 whole days. When we did visit, she was vile to me, so angry that I had missed 2 days and said that as DH knew she was about to die, he wouldn't have been upset, and DH's Dad wouldnt be upset as they argued a lot. I should have left them and gone to see her instead. Couldn't believe my ears, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised really. Needless to say she hasn't apologised.

Her latest nonsense was yesterday when I visited with DD. DD has always struggled with her weight but has put on quite a lot whilst abroad over the last year. She is obviously aware, and will deal with it herself once she gets life a bit more settled. Anyway, DD nipped off the ward when we were visiting, and my mother immediately started being nasty about DD's weight. I asked her to stop mentioning it to me (she has done it before) as DD will sort it herself when she is ready and its none of our business. She got really really angry, swearing at me and really unpleasant. Our relationship is so screwed up I dont know what's normal. Is it OK to challenge her being so nasty about DD behind her back? Should I let her make what seem to me to be wicked comments about DH's and DFiL's grief? I have no idea

Hector my mother has also commented in a similar vein about one of my DDs (she was 11, very fit but carrying a bit of a pre-teen tum) and whilst I really wanted to just scream at her (even though we were in the John Lewis cafe...!) I just totally ignored it. Now I just refuse to react. I find a quick change of subject to something totally inane & I'm back in control. I know she finds it infuriating but if I don't engage, she can't carry on spouting her nonsense. (Also find that smiling sweetly past her left ear whilst mentally telling her to f* off helps!) x

Also I found no having no expectations of reasonable behaviour or apologies helps, as then I'm never surprised by what she manages to come out with next!

I'm finding it hard at the moment because she expects validation of her bonkers opinions, ending every outrageous statement with "isn't it / you know what I mean, don't you / don't you think?" Well actually no, you have a totally screwed up negative view of everything...but I just smile inanely over her shoulder & try to pick a non- contentious subject - which is a feat in itself, tbh! x

Theworst Could you rent your house out & move somewhere else?
It does sound as if you need to remove yourself from their influence as from what you've said, they enjoy having power over you. Maybe letting your house might enable you to do that? x

I agree it sounds like renting out your house could be a good option. You definitely need to put some space between you and your parents. You're not an abuser because you lost it with them on this one occasion.
I'm sorry you feel you have nothing to look forward to, nobody should feel like that. I know it may not be easy but I'm sure there are ways of changing your situation. You deserve to be happy.

Oh that sounds really tough. That's awful you've been without heating and hot water!

Well, if you can't rent it out just yet could you make a plan of action on how to deal with your parents (boundaries and stuff), maybe try to access some counselling?

Long time lurker posting here because illness/medication-induced teariness has no other outlet at the moment!
I wish so much that my mother was the type who could be kind and gentle when I genuinely need it. I've only been properly sick a couple of times in my life but every time I have needed her to be kind to me and just be motherly she can't do it. I think it has a lot to do with her own narc parents and she won't change but it's like any weakness or specifically illness triggers her to be cold and angry. There have been instances of that before, from her refusing to believe I was sick enough to need Togo to a&e as a teenager (I got myself a taxi and when I got there they did a lumbar puncture as suggested meningitis- it turned out to be a virus that kept me in for 2 weeks), to when I was in labour having spent my pregnancy alone after dd's dad fucked off. She was all about being my "birth partner" but when it came to it she failed me massively. Not believing how much pain i was in until she finally took me to hospital and they found I had got to 10cm dilated on my own in my bedroom (while she slept next door- then basically dragged me to the bus stop rather than get a taxi to the hospital because she "couldn't find a taxi firm that time of night" (I was completely gone with pain or I'd have got one myself. Again) I gave birth to dd within an hour of arriving. She's never accepted my version of events and just said "oh I thought you just had a low pain threshold and were making a fuss"
When I had crippling PND, crying that I couldn't cope, desperate, even talking about suicide she convinced me that telling my GP or health visitor would result in me having dd taken away. That anti depressants would "kill me". I never got help. Over 2 years on I feel like I might still have PND.
And now most recently, I've had 2 wisdom teeth out. The bottom one was a nightmare extraction so I knew it'd be a tricky healing but it's been 5!days of nonstop pain untouched by painkillers, combined with an antibiotic that has made me terribly sick (and ended up in a&e as I'd had an allergic reaction). I can hardly get out of bed and have desperately needed my family to rally and help with poor dd who's had a terrible Easter as a result of me being so ill, but my mother refused to step in for 3 days. Even when I'd call her crying in pain she would just start shouting at me telling me not to be hysterical. It's like my pain flips a switch in her the wrong way. When I was feverish needing to go to a&e and not knowing what to do as I'm alone with dd, she told me I couldn't go or dd would be "taken into care". Nor would should she come and help me until the next day. Never been so scared in my life I thought i might die in the night. dd spent the next day with my mother while I went to get checked out but my mum still acted like I was being a drama queen even though my whole mouth and jaw is swollen, I'm absolutely crashed out on painkillers (which I never normally take), and I can barely speak let alone eat anything.
I feel so alone. I can't stop crying. I broke down when she was here just now and I can't stop. I don't understand why it makes her so angry when I need her. I'm 28, I hate how dependent I am on her since becoming a single mum but I didn't choose it. It sometimes feels like she sees it as my place (and hers) in the world to struggle and suffer. She's the sort of person who won't ever go to the doctor, won't take antibiotics when she needs to, etc. I just feel so bleak these last few days like no one would truly care if i had been ok or not.
Sorry for the long post.

Princess your dd cares how you are! Are there any other single mums near you that you could do mutual support with, to reduce your dependence on your mum?
I know it's horrible not to have that gentle, non- judgemental care - my mum made me go shopping 2 days after I'd had a miscarriage & d&c at 12 weeks, because it would make me feel better not to look so frumpy, apparently! I really just needed duvets on the sofa, cake, tea & dvds! She's the only person I've ever met who can make
"You look tired" sound like an accusation.
Sending you a supportive hug (is that allowed on MN?!?) and some 💐 x