Why does he now not want to marry me after 9 years?

[Hopelessworrier84]

I've been with my DP for nine years and we've always talked about marriage, it's just never happened. I feel really led on.
All his mates are married/engaged but he seems to still be hanging on to his youth and in denial.
I'm 33 now and desperate to start a family and get things moving.
I've tried bringing it up with him repeatedly but keep getting fobbed off. Last Xmas he said that it would happen by the end of the year, the same this Christmas..he just doesn't get it. I feel so heartbroken
He's said things like 'we should get really fit and healthy first' which I feel is a dog at my weight (I'm size 12) and then he's said we don't have the money. Recently he's blamed it on my anxiety but doesn't seem to realise that I'm anxious because I have no idea where my life is headed.
What do I do?

A friend when we were all in our twenties refused to live with a man until she was married not for moral reasons but to avoid this. We all laughed at her at the time but actually think she was smart.

My sister was in this position, called his bluff and properly left. He was devastated at what he had lost they've been happpily married for years now. You basically need to call his bluff.

Some people don't want to get married as a philosophy. The DP doesn't sound like one.

I moved 500 miles away for work and that did the trick after 10 years ( but we were only 28 by this point).

Thanks Sunbeam, for me it wasn't about the men having all the power to ask. It was because DH talked about marriage as a far off future thing where as made it clear I wanted it now. So the reason I wanted him to ask was because I wanted to be sure he wanted it now too iyswim. Luckily for me after he proposed it was like there was a big weight lifted off his shoulders, he was so enthusiastic about the wedding planning and makes it so clear how happy he is to be married and have DS. I think it was just like standing on a diving board jumping into the unknown and he was over thinking it and couldn't quite jump!

Some people don't want to get married as a philosophy. The DP doesn't sound like one.

It might not be obvious. My ex was respecting my feminist principles.

OP says "we've always talked about marriage" so that would've been the time to say he disagreed with the institution. He's now saying "let's do it when we've lost weight"; again, hardly a philosophical objection.

I'm going to be blunt. Leave now - if he cares enough he'll step up. I know it's hard to move back in with parents but it won't be forever. You have time to heal, meet someone else, have children. If you wait around for him to make up his mind that window will close. Biology is unfair but it is what it is.

Actually regardless of kids - anything is better than being with someone where you feel insecure and anxious. Including living with your parents (I've been there! In my thirties. It was a blessed relief just to feel good in myself again).

Urgh, this was my last relationship - together for 9 years, mortgage, lovely house...empty promises of marriage & delaying tactics all the time.
I starting to suspect it would never happen and became quite depressed and obsessed by it.
Partner realised I wasn't going to let it go and one night came home and ended our relationship.
I was devastated and blamed myself for driving him away, but actually it is now clear to me that there was never any intention to marry me!
If I was you, I'd sit him down and discuss it to get a definitive answer. You need to know where you stand or he is absolutely not being fair.
It's not looking good at the moment with all the delaying tactics and excuses - tell him that!
(Don't do what I did and become like a dog with a bone. I now look back and cringe!)
To be fair he saw what I couldn't and I am SO much happier out of that relationship and in my current one. Good luck!

I agree HelenDenver. Sorry I was being flippant about my ex's BS rather than suggesting OP's partner has a philosophical reason not to marry.

I've been there too, OP, and I don't think people appreciate how bad it can make you feel. If someone doesn't want to get married, full stop, then that is one thing. But it's the constant 'maybe', 'sometime soon', 'we'll do it after such-and-such' that really gets to you.

I heard every excuse in the book from my ex. 'I need to get a better job first', 'We can't have a wedding because your parents don't get on', 'I don't like weddings', 'We should buy a house first', etc etc etc. The worst part was that he would tease me with it, occasionally dropping these hints about how he might propose soon. A couple of times I hesitantly brought up the subject and he told me 'oh well I was going to propose soon but now you've ruined it'. I realise now it was complete nonsense and downright cruel.

If things are really good otherwise, as you say, then I think one last Big Talk could be in order. Ask him if he is ever planning on marrying you and if so, when exactly?

Your mention of anxiety and the dig about your weight set alarm bells ringing in my head, though. Are things really, genuinely good between you apart from this one issue?

Theres the awful truth that if someone wants to do something they do it. DH and I were engaged within the year. His actions are telling you its never going to happen. Dump now - if he is devastated and begs for marriage theres your answer great result. If he doesn't you were never going to get that from him anyway so at least you are free to find someone else and saved some of your fertile years.

Don't be DH's university friend who is still living with her boyfriend at 40. The rest of the group all married with children people they met subsequently relatively recently in some cases. So sorry for her.

Rubbish situation for you.

I know someone (university friend) who has been engaged, so a fiance, for 25 years.

She is now 46 and her situation has not moved on, no children, no closer to getting married ..it was as if being engaged would appease her! It certainly trapped her into staying.

The sad thing is when we were all single she was the first to say all she wanted to do was get married and have children

My friend was strung along like this for years. First as on-off boyfriend, then live-in partner, then fiancee. He finally married her when it was far too late for children (she was 46). That was his game plan all along and she couldn't wouldn't see it. She wanted children very much but wouldn't have them without being married. He knew that and planned accordingly.

I agree Kerala your friend was smart. I am probably a bit older than most people on this thread but when I was in teens/early twenties it was expected that you married before living together.

I know with my dcs friends that a lot of them live together and then 1 of the pair (usually female) wants to marry usually due to wanting dcs and the partner does not want to commit.

There seems to be a lot of 'you are ok for me now' but want to keep my options open in case 'someone better comes along'

Leaves a lot people guessing and hurting.

I agree with kerala. I lived with a man in my 20s but i always knew i dod not want to marry him. Un ravelling the various expectations was still very hard. For me too. So nothing to do with morals or virtue (ha ha ha) i now agree with my mother and luckily unlike my mother i can advise my daughter against it from a more practical logical place.

I finally took control and told him that I didn't want to force him to marry me but I had a right to know if it was going to happen or not so I could make an informed decision about my own future, I then left to stay at my DMs for a few days to give us both time to think.

I think this is some of the best advice I have ever read on MN. Take control of your destiny OP and don't let this man waste any more of your time!

I had a not very nice ex boyfriend who had even more horrid friends. They laughed about stringing their early thirties girlfriends along (who all wanted marriage and babies the men didnt as wanted to keep their options open they have longer to do this after all). They joked that getting a cat or dog distracted the girlfriends and bought them a few more years ha ha. Was quite chilling actually.

Yeh kerala I heard a man say similar. " Just tell her maybe at the end of next year"
It is using women's precious time and potentially costing them a child just for their convenience. And there are men who know this (saying a cat buys a few more years) and they dont care :-o
I woukdnt want to cost a stranger or even a woman i disliked the chance to be a mother, but some men will do it to their girlfriends.

Is it really that important to be married. You live together and he wants to start a family with you. Why is being married a big issue? Am I missing something? My BIL won't marry my SIL. They live together and have 2 young.children. He has a hang up about marriage and says he doesn't want the commitment. We laugh because he has a mortgage and supports his wife, their 2 children together and his stepdaughter but marriage is too big a commitment! But they are happy, although she would get married given the choice. Is this not an option for you?

It sounds like it's not necessarily a wise option for your SIL. If you were looking for an anecdote to recommend cohabitation, that's not the best one you could've chosen!

But in any case, this isn't just about whether it's ok not to be married. It's the way DP has behaved. That would be problematic even if OP decided against marriage this minute.

Honey, sorry to be harsh but I doubt he will ever marry you!

I have been together with my boyfriend for 9 years and I don't know if I ever want to be married, but for last 2 years I know I am not going to marry him. Or have kids. Or buy a property together.

I have briefly told him that and the reasons why. Therefore I would be stupid if I marry him or have kids. And since he knows that stuff it's up to him if he stays or if he goes.

To not be seen as a bad person, I once wanted to marry him but he didn't back then. And I'm glad we didn't do it because he cheated several years ago, showing his true colors. So for now it is ok relationship to be in, but I doubt it will be a happily ever after for us!

If you say you have talked about marriage and every time he has his reasons, you could talk about it once again. What the hell, you have been together almost 10 years, you are in your thirties, what more are you waiting?

If he still is convinced that you have to do x, y and z before you get married but is happy to start a family, you will have to consider if you are happy with it. Is this is the relatsionship where he will be by your side no matter what happens, is he going to do his fair share of childcare and day to day chores in the house? Will you be financically independet if you are on maternity leave or if you split up? Will you despise him that you didn't get married?

You really have a lot to think about before you decide what you are going to do with your life. But no matter what you decide, don't play your cards on the fact that he will definetly marry you once you have kids, you have lost your weight and so on...

Having a child with someone is no commitment, sad women are conned into that. Strangers can have a child within minutes of meeting ie Boris Becker in the broomcupboard, one night stands.
I would never have had a child with someone who wasnt prepared to marry me first.

Bruffin, there is a huge difference between conceiving a child in a broom cupboard on a one night stand, and a couple being in a long term relationship together deciding to start their family before they are married. My partner struggled with the decision to marry because of the failure of his parents marriage. Deciding to have a child was much more of a commitment to each other than any marriage vow ever could be. And though we have since got married, it was a formality so that our family would be legally recognised.

Sorry Cashelgirl but legally there isn't a difference.