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Original poster

Why does he now not want to marry me after 9 years?

147 replies

Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 18:55

I've been with my DP for nine years and we've always talked about marriage, it's just never happened. I feel really led on.
All his mates are married/engaged but he seems to still be hanging on to his youth and in denial.
I'm 33 now and desperate to start a family and get things moving.
I've tried bringing it up with him repeatedly but keep getting fobbed off. Last Xmas he said that it would happen by the end of the year, the same this Christmas..he just doesn't get it. I feel so heartbroken
He's said things like 'we should get really fit and healthy first' which I feel is a dog at my weight (I'm size 12) and then he's said we don't have the money. Recently he's blamed it on my anxiety but doesn't seem to realise that I'm anxious because I have no idea where my life is headed.
What do I do?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 19:33

'I can go and live with my parents at the end of March but until then I literally have no where to go. I feel so resentful and rejected. What was wrong with me? I don't think I can love him anymore than I do or tried any harder to make it work.'

If any of my children needed a place to stay I'd beg, steal or borrow to get them a place to stay that very night. Talk to them tonight. Why delay? I'd have you out of there asap.

There is your life, you are in control of it, don't waste another minute of it with this person.

'It's over. I want and need different things from life. There is nothing wrong with that or with me. So it's time for me to move on.'

Don't settle for this guy. If you did have a family, he'd be a fuckwit for a parent - niggling you about your weight, and God forbid you have PND or complications that required his unconditional support.

tribpot · 23/02/2017 19:34

He says he's happy to start a family and says he wants a baby

He says that so that he can then say it's not the right time to start a family due to your weight, due to your anxiety. To make this your 'fault'. Meanwhile it is your fertility that he's gambling with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:34

"If I stay with him and accept we'll never marry I am also accepting that it's acceptable for my feelings not to matter and for him to disrespect me over and over?"

Yes. So don't do that to yourself.

Certainly do not have a child by him either; he will probably insist that the child has his surname rather than yours. I also think that you are also merely his "she will do for now" woman.

Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:35

Thank you @ethelb

I can't just walk away right now because our lives are so entwined and I literally have no where else to go until my parents place is ready at end of March.

OP posts:
annandale · 23/02/2017 19:35

I personally think it is worth saying 'will you marry me' at least before you move out!

Have you ever lived on your own? Do you have an income? Rooms in shared houses still exist don't they?? Why would you have to move in with your parents?

Chippednailvarnishing · 23/02/2017 19:36

I'm assuming that you mean you have five year fixed rate mortgage?

You're not unable to sell the property, there will be a financial penalty instead. Don't stay with someone just for money alone.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 19:37

Ps I'm going to get a lot of stick for saying this but at 33 you do have your fertility to consider. It's probably better to start trying right away. Splitting up with someone then finding someone else may take time you don't have. Just as an aside you could pay to get some basic tests done to see what your fertility is like. It's no guarantee as you can have male factor or unexplained fertility too but might help inform your current options?

expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 19:37

Going back to your parents is far better than wasting more time with someone who blames your weight and anxiety or any other excuse, dismisses your feelings and fobs you off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:37

"I can't just walk away right now because our lives are so entwined"

That may well be but its a good reason actually to start this whole process of also untying financial ties sooner rather than later. It's certainly not a good enough reason to stay.

Onwithnumber2 · 23/02/2017 19:39

Is it definitely marriage that he doesn't want or could it be a wedding? Is he the sort to dread having all eyes on him (and you) for the day and is maybe trying to escape having to? If you sat down and said you would be happy to have a quiet intimate wedding just you two and witnesses just so you could become husband and wife and go on to start your family would it make a difference maybe?
That, or it's time to get out and stop wasting time on a relationship where you both want different things Sad

Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:40

I am worried about fertility yes. I'm anxious and painfully shy. Meeting someone new isn't an easy prospect for me

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 19:40

'It's probably better to start trying right away. '

With someone who doesn't want a child? FFS. That's some of the worst advice I've heard. I had children at 32, 34 and 37. A 33-year-old has time, but not to waste on a person who doesn't want the same things she does in life.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 19:40

Gosh there's a lot of idealists on this thread... op - as you'll know from your 9 year relationship, life involves compromises - just decide which ones you are happy or not happy to live with

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 19:40

He does want a child...

Onwithnumber2 · 23/02/2017 19:41

Btw size 12 is just fab and if that WAS a dig at your weight then I would be looking for someone who didn't want you to change an inch of yourself for him Flowers

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 19:41

And no a 33 year old doesn't have time to waste - having a child after 35 is good luck not something everyone can expect

expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 19:41

'I am worried about fertility yes. I'm anxious and painfully shy. Meeting someone new isn't an easy prospect for me'

Staying with someone who has clearly shown you he doesn't want the same things you want out of life isn't, either.

Hornbeamer · 23/02/2017 19:41

There are many reasons why men and women don't want to marry. He may be feeling under enormous pressure which is stopping him proposing. My sister was in a similar situation and her husband only proposed when she stopped mentioning it. It later turned out he wanted to get her a beautiful ring but couldn't afford it. She felt much as you did and thought was because he didn't love her. It sounds as though the relationship is moving in the right direction. You have bought a home together and he is happy to start a family. Both big commitments. Try not to think it is about you. Is it the idea of a wedding with all the hoopla that is putting him off? Could a smaller, simple ceremony reassure him? I completely understand how you are feeling, but I wouldn't do anything rash. Choose a quiet moment and try to have a chat about any fears he might have. Personally I really wanted to marry my husband but was much less keen on the idea of a wedding! Good luck!

ravenmum · 23/02/2017 19:43

My ex told his OW that I'd forced him to marry me and have children with me. (And he showed no signs of being unwilling.) Do you want to be in that position?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:43

And that child will likely have his surname as well at his behest. How would you feel then?. Your legal position would still remain very poor.

Please do not bring a child into this whatever you do.

And if you've become more anxious as well, he is likely to be the root cause.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 19:45

Attila if they are not married then the mum must register the birth and she can put whatever surname she chooses.

Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:45

He's not a terrible person. He thinks buying a house together is a huge commitment enough. Aside from this our relationship is good.

OP posts:
Onwithnumber2 · 23/02/2017 19:45

Everything Hornbeamer just said.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:45

Hornbeamer

OP has talked about this matter more than once with her DP and he has fobbed her off each time. Its not a case therefore of him being unable to afford a nice ring or being nervous about a wedding ceremony.

Starting a family with this particular individual would make an already bad situation far worse.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2017 19:46

The mortgage thing is resolvable. It might cost a bit but you would both be sharing that. Don't think it means you can't move house.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him, or is it just that you think you've invested this much time, you don't want to waste that by ending it?

If you do really love him and want to spend your life with him, then I think you should say something like, "Look, it's clear we're not going to get married. You know this is important to me, but it's not happening. I think we should call it a day so that I can meet someone who wants the same things that I do."

His reaction then will tell you what you need to know. He may well bluster and say "Of course I want to marry you" in which case I would say that he has a week to book a registry office/church. If he doesn't do that, I'd be off.

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