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Original poster

Why does he now not want to marry me after 9 years?

147 replies

Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 18:55

I've been with my DP for nine years and we've always talked about marriage, it's just never happened. I feel really led on.
All his mates are married/engaged but he seems to still be hanging on to his youth and in denial.
I'm 33 now and desperate to start a family and get things moving.
I've tried bringing it up with him repeatedly but keep getting fobbed off. Last Xmas he said that it would happen by the end of the year, the same this Christmas..he just doesn't get it. I feel so heartbroken
He's said things like 'we should get really fit and healthy first' which I feel is a dog at my weight (I'm size 12) and then he's said we don't have the money. Recently he's blamed it on my anxiety but doesn't seem to realise that I'm anxious because I have no idea where my life is headed.
What do I do?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 23/02/2017 20:57

I think neither of you are seeing each other's point of view here. He's head, your heart & if you can't find a compromise, sadly I think the end is nigh. Neither of you should ever sacrifice your principles.

expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 20:59

Then do what women have always done. It might not be honourable but it will get you a baby.

No, it is not 'what women have always done'. It's what deceitful, manipulative, selfish people who don't give a fuck about their own child, only about their own selfish desires, do - use someone dishonestly to procreate a child that person doesn't want. Who cares if the child grows up with a resentful, grudging person for a father and what the fallout is on that child as an effect, as long as you get what you want. Hmm

EurusHolmesViolin · 23/02/2017 21:01

You can't legally sort all the things a marriage would give you, but I would agree if he's not even interested in acquiring those that are available from a solicitor, there's definitely no future in this.

TENSHI · 23/02/2017 21:09

How would you feel if you left him.and then.he met someone else and within months was expecting a baby with her and planning to marry?

This has happened more times than is comfortable. Somehow your needs have not been registered and after 9 years he is used to doing things without considering you because you have enabled it.

Most women would have called him up on this within 18 months not 9 years!

You provide for all his needs so why change?

Is the financial/domestic side also one sided in his favour?

You need to.work on your self esteem first and not be so needy. Begging someone to marry you is not attractive to a man..

They usually like to do the chasing..You have been 'had' too easily. You should not have bought a house with him if it was marriage you were after first.

The man you marry should feel privileged to be marrying you and feel as if he is the luckiest man on earth!

Forcing a man to marry you is wrong on so many levels op. If he doesn't appreciate you or put you on.a pedestal with undying love then what on earth are you doing setting the bar so low?

You need to value yourself highly first op and that will attract a potential spouse who deserves you.

Sunbeam18 · 23/02/2017 21:11

Elephant what nonsense! Why would she leave him regardless of what he says?! They have a good relationship, both are committed to having a child but he is procrastinating about marriage. Also, who said your 20s are the best years of your life? My 30s were definitely better, and my 40s are looking pretty good too. Also, my son was born when I was 40 with no problem at all.

TheElephantofSurprise · 23/02/2017 21:13

No, it is not 'what women have always done'. It's what deceitful, manipulative, selfish people who don't give a fuck about their own child
Sorry, expat, you are not correct. In fact, I am.
And I stand by my advice. The issue here is not some political rhubarb about men and women, equality, or other such stuff. It's about a woman who is no longer in the first flush of youth wanting a baby. To me, that over-rides everything else. To you, obviously not. You do it your way, that's fine, but there are other ways.
The OP has had years with this man. He hasn't married her. He hasn't given her the children she wants. He shows no sign of doing so. To leave with her baby in place solves two problems at once.
Of course, it opens up a world of other problems... but so do all the alternatives.

PaterPower · 23/02/2017 21:52

To leave with her baby in place solves two problems at once.
Of course, it opens up a world of other problems... but so do all the alternatives.

Bullshit. It creates problems, not solves them. If OP wants a baby that desperately then she should go to a sperm bank rather than trick this guy into becoming a father. THAT would solve her problem without having a potentially resentful (and let's face it, who wouldn't be on being deceived as you suggest she does him) "baby daddy" involved.

The ONLY reason she'd get herself pregnant in the way you're suggesting is to keep this guy on the hook for maintenance.

expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 21:54

'Sorry, expat, you are not correct. In fact, I am.
And I stand by my advice. The issue here is not some political rhubarb about men and women, equality, or other such stuff. It's about a woman who is no longer in the first flush of youth wanting a baby. To me, that over-rides everything else. To you, obviously not. You do it your way, that's fine, but there are other ways.'

Wow. I'm as 'correct' as you are. The issue here is a potential human being brought into the world by deceit against the wishes of one of its parents and the potential emotional damage to that person once he/she learn this because it's in no way a given the father will just leave and have nothing to do with his own child. It's takes a special kind of cunt to do this to their own potential child.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 22:02

Expat the op's guy is happy to have a baby she said Confused

PaterPower · 23/02/2017 22:05

Happy to have a baby assuming she wants to stay with him (without getting married) and them raising the child(ren) together!

I'm pretty sure that if OP tells him she'll get pregnant and then ditch him he'd have quite a different POV.

Munchkin1412 · 23/02/2017 22:09

Hello hopeless worrier

I have one of these. Didn't see the point in getting married but wanted children. At 31/2 and owning a flat together I decided I'd rather just accept it and try for a baby without being married. So we did and good job as it took nearly two years! But we now have a beautiful two year old daughter. I wouldn't change any of the choices I made - I'd rather be not married and have her than have taken a risk just on finding someone else on time just to have the marriage part. And I'm not really bothered at all about that now. I wouldn't have minded a diamond though because I'm shallow like that - maybe I'll get an eternity ring one day!

If he's a good person and he wants to have children anyway just think about how important it really is to you. The money and assets side isn't an issue for us - we do the same job and now split everything 50:50 (he pays a bit more of the mortgage as he earns a little more but we both have successful careers and pensions of our own.) if that wasn't the case I might have thought differently.

Agatha44 · 23/02/2017 22:26

Hopelessworrier84 I hate to say it but rhis sounds a bit like my life. Myself and my ex spoke about marriage when we were in our our 20s but it never happened. We bought our house in our late 20s and I broached the subject about kids on numerous occasions but to no avail. He kept saying not yet, too young to have kids, not ready, no money. Basically all the classics!

He split up with me in December and is now living with his pregnant girlfriend! I just turned 32 this week and am basically starting my life again. I will be moving back in with my parents once our house is sold. I was (at times still am) terrified about being on my own and thinking about meeting new people but I am doing ok!

Your boyfriend maybe never make a decision and you may still be in this situation a few years down the line. I don't want to tell you what to do because it needs to be your decision. I can only speak from my own experience.

I know it is hard because all your friends are pairing up, getting married and having kids but these things happen at different speeds for different people. Relatively speaking 32/33 is still young. We have time to meet people who want the same as we do. I have to believe that because otherwise I would probably start crying and never stop!!

CashelGirl · 23/02/2017 22:26

OP, you can't control,what he wants or doesn't want, but you have to be really honest with yourself about what you want. Do you want him, as he is, prepared to start a family with you, or do you want to start again without him? What will be different for you if you were to be married? Is he a good man? Is he kind to you? Will he be a good Dad? And must importantly, do you want to be with him? You mind find that after you have a baby, he will change his mind about getting married. My OH certainly did, and I know plenty of other couples who happily got married after starting (or even completing) their families.

TheElephantofSurprise · 23/02/2017 22:34

Don't, whatever you do, have a baby with him hoping he'll marry you later.

EightiethElement · 23/02/2017 22:38

Do you want to get married and have a baby?
Do you believe that if you put effort in to it you could meet somebody else?
If you have that hope, leave this guy

Nine years and he's still stringing!

I agree, don't have a baby and hope the marriage comes later.

DontStopMovin · 23/02/2017 22:56

OP, this could have been me writing your post 3 years ago. DH and I had been together for 10 years, bought a house together, he would say he wanted to be married before children and wanted children but would just never propose despite me dropping massive hints. All this made me feel that perhaps it the things he told me weren't true and he just didn't love me enough, and made me feel so anxious not knowing what my future was. After yet another birthday hoping this would be the one where he'd propose I finally took control and told him that I didn't want to force him to marry me but I had a right to know if it was going to happen or not so I could make an informed decision about my own future, I then left to stay at my DMs for a few days to give us both time to think. It killed me to do it and I spent 3 days crying. When I got home DH told me he loved me more than anything and that he was just scared of change, he promised me he'd taken on board my feelings and 3 months later he surprised me with a very romantic proposal! 3 years on we're happily married with an amazing DS. I can't say you'll have the same happy outcome, but I do think you have a right to know where you stand so you can plan your own future based on fact Flowers

Sunbeam18 · 23/02/2017 23:11

I'm amazed so many people are talking about dropping hints for years. Why didn't you ask him to marry you if you were so keen to be married?

Sunbeam18 · 24/02/2017 00:03

Sorry, I didn't mean my last post to sound aggressive or unkind. I just hate men having all of the power to ask this question.

GnomeDePlume · 24/02/2017 06:40

I agree with that sentiment Sunbeam18, the man doing the asking is archaic and dates from the time when the man held all the assets and decided who would be the lucky lady to have his assets bestowed on them. Even then he probably asked the parents!

It mattered more to me that we were married than to DH at the time so I did the asking. It wasnt difficult. 'Shall we get married then?'. We have now been married 25 years and in no way did DH feel emasculated by me doing the asking.

HelenDenver · 24/02/2017 06:53

What a load of crap, TENSHI.

Elouie · 24/02/2017 06:57

Just another side to this.

I've been with my 'almost husband' for 20 years this year. We have 2 children.

I always wanted to get married and still would but DP never wanted to. At first he wasn't really fussed about having children either. But I couldn't compromise on that.

I did give him an ultimatum that if he wouldn't have children I would leave but I decided to compromise on marriage. (Whilst still dreaming if the big day and actually being able to call him my husband).

We are very happy and he is 100% committed and we plan our future together. He is the most amazing father to our children.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes you can compromise and it will work out, and by not being married doesn't mean he's less committed to you.

I will add though that DP never led me to believe he would get married so I knew from the outset which is slightly different.

Only you can decide what's most important to you.

yomellamoHelly · 24/02/2017 07:16

My dh was also extremely reluctant to get married etc even though we owned a flat together, had a joint account etc..... I nearly fell over with shock when he did finally propose. (At just past the nine year mark.) Same could be said when it came to children. Have a feeling he'd say he decided to go for it "for me" as most of the "burden" of them has always fallen on me. On reflection I'm not sure he's ever been totally committed to family life if that makes sense and I often feel envious of other set-ups.
So I guess I'd say to have a long hard think about all the other areas of your life and how it might go even if he does change his mind on this one issue and think about whether you can live with that.

Jaynebxl · 24/02/2017 07:19

Have you actually laid out plainly how important this is to you, and how you're not going to have a baby with him til he does marry you, and that if he doesn't take this seriously it's over? I think you need to do this in absolute plainspeak before you leave.

SillySongsWithLarry · 24/02/2017 07:20

I'm amazed you have lasted this long when you are so fundamentally different. Marriage is important to DH and I so we were married within two years of dating. We knew it was what we wanted so we didn't hang around.

sheusestangerines · 24/02/2017 07:34

The anxiety you have felt because you are worried about where your life is headed might feel solved by a proposal but for me the hurt lingered. I'm trying to work out what i would say to the 32 year old me sat miserable at yet another friend's wedding, seeing friends with babies. Maybe to find a counsellor and work out how I feel and work on my self-esteem.

My stbxh dragged his heels over everything. Moving in together, buying our first home, having children, getting married. I was 39 when we had DC2. Which is fine for many but I would much rather have had my children in my early 30s. When we did marry it was without a wedding after we'd had DC1. I was giving up work and knew I needed the protection. (I'm not sure why he agreed.)

Many things went wrong in our relationship but I think definitely I was harbouring resentment that every step had been such an effort, that he had refused to marry me, that we had our DC so late (with miscarriages that I feel my age may have contributed to).

Deep down it always felt like he didn't really love me, that I wasn't good enough.

The getting married is a funny one to me personally as I don't like "marriage" as an institution. I am guessing I focused on it as I was feeling insecure in the relationship.