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Original poster

Why does he now not want to marry me after 9 years?

147 replies

Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 18:55

I've been with my DP for nine years and we've always talked about marriage, it's just never happened. I feel really led on.
All his mates are married/engaged but he seems to still be hanging on to his youth and in denial.
I'm 33 now and desperate to start a family and get things moving.
I've tried bringing it up with him repeatedly but keep getting fobbed off. Last Xmas he said that it would happen by the end of the year, the same this Christmas..he just doesn't get it. I feel so heartbroken
He's said things like 'we should get really fit and healthy first' which I feel is a dog at my weight (I'm size 12) and then he's said we don't have the money. Recently he's blamed it on my anxiety but doesn't seem to realise that I'm anxious because I have no idea where my life is headed.
What do I do?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 19:49

'He's not a terrible person. He thinks buying a house together is a huge commitment enough. Aside from this our relationship is good.'

No, it isn't. He doesn't want the same fundamental things you want and need out of life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:49

"He's not a terrible person. He thinks buying a house together is a huge commitment enough. Aside from this our relationship is good".

Is it really good or are you just trying to put a gloss on it by further kidding yourself that its that good?. His comments re both of you getting fit and healthy first (you're already a healthy size 12) is nothing short of nasty and a not so subtle put down of you.

Buying a house is in no way as much a huge commitment as he thinks it is. A house is but bricks and mortar. He is still not making a legally binding commitment to you in terms of marriage because he does not want to marry you.

ravenmum · 23/02/2017 19:49

Being with someone who chips away at your confidence makes you feel anxious and shy. So does someone stringing you along for years with promises he never fulfils. Being a SAHM in that same position would just make it worse. Get away from the source of your anxiety and get therapy.

user1481838270 · 23/02/2017 19:50

It's very hard to know what to advise.

I do believe there are some men who move very slowly. They don't like change and like to keep things just as they are. Strangely enough, the men I know who are like this have turned out to be great husbands and great fathers.

Without knowing your DP, it's difficult to know what is causing his hesitation. Is it that he just doesn't like change? Or is it that he is holding out in the hope of meeting someone else? It's only a question you can answer.

DarkestBeforeDawn · 23/02/2017 19:50

Having children is a far bigger commitment than marriage in my opinion. Marriage is a piece of paper....a life time with someone, shared experiences with someone, love and respect...all these things are what is important in life. Getting married is just a contractual agreement, it's the life together that counts. Perhaps he has never seen the point/need to be married which has no bearing on his love or commitment for you. What he is at fault for is potentially shying away from being honest about his feelings about marriage, perhaps in the hope that his feelings would align more with yours (and sadly for your sake they have yet to).. ask yourself, does not having that act of commitment/piece of paper mean you are prepared to walk away? Does it mean more to you than a potentially fulfilled happy life with this man (but without a 'ring on the finger')? You have to make that decision, no one else can. For what it's worth, I don't see the point in marriage but I am happy, secure and fulfilled, in a committed long term relationship (14yrs) and we have four children together!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:56

People can and do walk away from children in any case whether the person is married or not.

A title deed to a house is a piece of paper, a life insurance certificate is a piece of paper, shares are pieces of paper and we value these pieces of paper greatly. Marriage is not just a piece of paper; its a contract and far more weighty than mere paper.

In the case of the OP, he simply does not want to marry the OP at all and has strung her along with promises that have not been kept. Small wonder she feel strung along because she has been.

SnugglyBedSocks · 23/02/2017 19:56

Sorry OP (and others) but you come across as desperate and needy. Totally understand that you want to get married but you are forcing him too.

I think you are worth more and hopefully have more self respect than having to beg someone to marry you

carabos · 23/02/2017 19:59

A mortgage is admin, not a huge commitment. He just not that into you. Move on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 20:00

Forcing him?. His position has remained the same throughout. There has been no marriage proposal for the OP from him simply because he does not want marriage (or if he eventually does it will not be to the OP). Its been excuse after excuse from her partner and she has every right to walk away now.

scottishdiem · 23/02/2017 20:08

Propose to him. Formally type thing.

If he says no, then you need to decide what to do next. If he isnt into marriage and you are then it could well be time to leave. He is avoiding making that decision and its unfair on you OP.

That said, I dont buy the idea that marriage in some way stops a man from leaving/cheating if that is what he is inclined to do. Far to many people still seem to have an idealised belief that the 20 or so legal words in a marriage ceremony mean something life altering/personality changing to men. They may be a confirmation of how a many feels at that moment but men (and women) do change. I do think that people value the idea and event of wedding more than the reality of their relationships. Lifelong love does not need a certificate to prove it.

angelcakerocks · 23/02/2017 20:13

desperate and needy Hmm not at all. OP you are doing the right thing to tackle this. You only have say a four or five year window in which to have children (unless you're very lucky and want to have children later on)
Therefore, you either need to do that with him or with someone else.
Would you have children with him outside of marriage? If so, focus on that and make sure he's agreeable to it and discuss a time frame.
If not, leave him and explain you want children so can't wait any longer. When you leave it will focus his mind and if he wants to make the commitment to you then he will. If not, then you need to move on ASAP and date others.

Floggingmolly · 23/02/2017 20:14

How entwined can your lives possibly be that you can't walk away?? A joint mortgage never has and never should keep two incompatible people together Confused
If the boot was on the other foot, I wonder how entwined he'd feel? Sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful, but you are a free agent, stop kidding yourself you aren't.

Marilynsbigsister · 23/02/2017 20:16

Please do not have a baby with this man if you want marriage and/or the right to decide if you wish to stay home with baby while they are little. A search on my user name will bring up my oft told story of best mate who had four kids with man who 'didn't need a piece of paper' ...until 25 yrs later when he married his 25 yr old Latvian mistress within 12 weeks of meeting. Leaving my friend with nothing.

If he doesn't love you enough to marry you , he definitely doesn't love you enough to behave well if you split once you have a child. Despite what some would like to say on here, there is NOTHING , no legal agreement, no insurance - nothing - that gives you the same legal protection as marriage once you have a child.

This advice relates to the overwhelming 'normal' set up prevalent in the U.K. today. Where the woman works part time in a lower paid job than her partner, or is a sahm especially while children are young and relies on her partner financially. If you earn £kkkkk a year or are the higher earner and/or have huge savings then of course this does not apply.

EurusHolmesViolin · 23/02/2017 20:16

Gosh there's a lot of idealists on this thread... op - as you'll know from your 9 year relationship, life involves compromises - just decide which ones you are happy or not happy to live with

Erm, I don't think suggesting that someone who's fobbed OP off for years and is now planting the idea in her head that her body's not good enough might not be her best choice is idealism...

Mix56 · 23/02/2017 20:18

Go away for a bit, holiday/visit a friend, tell him It's complicated & you want to spend time alone.( make sure he feels your absence, don't get food in, tell him he is responsible for the cat etc.)
Show him you are not a doormat. Don't contact him,
He might realise things are changing & kick start him into action, or at least discussion.
If he doesn't want commitment, You have to make changes

LilBatFacedGirl · 23/02/2017 20:19

PLEASE don't leave a 9 year relationship on the say so of randomers on mumsnet

You know him and we don't. You say your relationship is good. Have a serious talk with him before you make any rash decisions

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 23/02/2017 20:21

I'm going to go against the grain here it seems but although marriage is clearly important to you, have you sat down with him and asked about why he might not want to get married (yet). It's not as binary as some people believe in that if he loves you and wants kids with you then he'll marry you, if he doesn't love you he won't marry you etc. He may be thinking about the financial implications of a wedding. Maybe his parents divorced which scarred him? Have you actually discussed what his thoughts are on it? I'm 35 and have been with my DP for 9 years. We're not married. I'd like to get married, but, it's so prohibitively expensive I'd rather spend my hard earned cash on living life to the full and not on one day. If one day we have money to spare then we'll do it. I'm secure in the knowledge that my DP is my life partner and therefore, personally, don't feel marriage to be the be all and end all. Does your DP truly know how you feel about the subject. And do you truly know how he feels about the subject? I think a proper heart to heart with him is required OP. His feelings on marriage count too.

WhereHaveTheyGone · 23/02/2017 20:26

Call him out on the having children thing. Say you are happy to have a small wedding/elope to a Caribbean island if he is happy he wants to start a family with you. Shall you plan to come off the pill now and start trying next month?

If he says no to coming off the pill, puts in more requirements then you have your answer that you are not who he thinks he will be spending his life with. Also if he says yes to trying next month you don't have to actually start.

Going away for a weekend/while sounds good. Tell him you need to think about what to do with your life with someone who doesn't want to get married/ have children with you. Tell him before you go and hopefully he'll think whilst your away, even if you've just spent the weekend in a hotel. You'll know your answer when you come back.

Floggingmolly · 23/02/2017 20:28

If he's thinking about the financial implications; he shouldn't be telling op it's because of her anxiety, or her grossly unfit size 12 (!) body Hmm

wizzywig · 23/02/2017 20:28

Op is he actively trying to lose weight and/or be healthy? If he was then maybe is working towards that goal

Sunbeam18 · 23/02/2017 20:28

Have a think about what your reasons are for wanting to get married. Then have a proper talk with him explaining these reasons and how important they are to you. Then give him the chance to speak honestly about how he feels about marriage and why. You will then find out if you have compatible hopes for the future of your relationship.

Whocansay · 23/02/2017 20:29

I'm sorry, but if he's making excuses after 9 years, he just doesn't want to. It's clear that he's making excuses. If you overcome them, there will be more. It doesn't sound like he's committed to you. I would have an honest conversation with him. If he doesn't love you, you should move on.

And don't let him give you the 'it's just a piece of paper' bollocks, either. It gives you security for when you start a family. If he comes out with that line, walk away and don't look back.

GnomeDePlume · 23/02/2017 20:37

If you have a child the commitment is to the child

If you have a mortgage, the commitment is to the mortgage company

Marriage is a legal commitment to each other. It is only a piece of paper but it is an important piece of paper. The commitment it represents cannot be dissolved without a lot of time, effort and expense.

Hopelessworrier84 if your DP wont consider marriage what you can tell him is that you both have to legally sort the things which a marriage would give you:

  • mutual wills
  • Powers of Attorney
  • mutual pension/life insurance beneficiaries

If he wont do this then you have your answer. Either he is not really that committed or he is some sort of idiot who believes he is immortal and that somehow ill health and death wont happen to him.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 23/02/2017 20:41

If you intend to have a family then being married provides greater legal protections for you, in the event that the relationship breaks down at a later date.

TheElephantofSurprise · 23/02/2017 20:49

OP, he isn't going to marry you.
He's had the best years of your life (and you, the best of his).
You're 33 and want a baby.
You can't leave until the end of March.
Put all your plans in place, quietly. Bear in mind you are leaving him, no matter what he says.
Then do what women have always done. It might not be honourable but it will get you a baby.
But don't then change your mind and stay. If he'd wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now. Staying with a man who has been 'trapped' is surely a recipe for years of pain. Your happiness lies ahead, without him.

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