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Original poster

I'm ending the affair

185 replies

Userr123 · 19/02/2017 12:25

So last month I posted on here how is had a very intense and passionate affair with a colleague, we are both married.
He's returning from paternity leave tomorrow, we've not spoken for a fortnight.
So it's difficult, we work together.
I am just going to text in the morning, saying I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, and avoid all calls.
I will see him in the office, but hope we can just be professional.
I have no intension of getting into any discussions about it with him, I'll get emotional.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Nomoreworkathome · 19/02/2017 21:39

Here you go

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 21:40

Nomoreworkathome-
Didnt see that NMWAH but I agree with you, she can't be 'happily married' at all. No chance.

louisehamham · 19/02/2017 21:42

All those people slating you...have they never done anything wrong? These things happen, you're not the first, you won't be the last. I'd say try to stick to your guns, but I suspect you might carry on where you left off...

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 21:49

In the last thread she posted he isn't interested in her they had sex 4 times. Op needs a good shake to wake up he wants his wife and not you.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 21:54

Just bear in mind things are not always as they seem... my mates wife continued to get pregnant by him over three years. It transpired both of them were unfaithful- not compatible and they should never have got married in the first place.
A complete morality void and a depressing mess- but he was initially slated for his shortcomings as she was 'expecting his child (ren)'...then it all came out in court and her 'yoga holidays' over years were actually with another bloke. They were fortunate enough to have the finances and wit to finally separate.

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 21:55

She said that there's room for him and her husband in her life because she is a needy person. She is not the first or last to do it is not the point she has issues. The only person I see getting hurt is the Op. If you read her posts on this thread and her last thread she sounds deluded I feel sorry for her. I had a friend like that it never works out in the end she was a play toy and that hurts. That's my experience the op will make a fool of herself.

PollyPerky · 19/02/2017 21:56

Most people I know know of people who have had affairs. Sometimes they are friends. They tend to shrug and say 'that's life' .
They aren't good for anyone- I don't condone them - but many marriages recover and can be better. But there is no need for the venom spitted out here.

Underthemoonlight · 19/02/2017 21:58

Are you for real polly that's life someone's family breaking up, potentially losing their home? Affairs are deeply hurtful for the innocent parties involved

TedEriksen · 19/02/2017 21:59

It's amazing how many posters will defend a woman who has had an affair, yet when men post about an affair it's treated like a bloodsport.

Nomoreworkathome · 19/02/2017 22:04

Just bear in mind things are not always as they seem

Yes..... so you keep saying. Hmm
The OP has been pretty honest about the fact that she enjoyed the 'connection' and the sex. She states she is happily married.
What are we not seeing then?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 22:04

But there is no need for the venom spitted out here.

Maybe read some of the relationship threads and see how devastating affairs can be!

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 22:10

my mates wife continued to get pregnant by him over three years.

What an odd way to describe two adults conceiving children. Was he not a willing participant in the sex that led to these pregnancies? Interesting that you are using language designed to infer that she alone was to blame for bringing children into an unfit family situation, and yet both of them were unfaithful.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 22:11

I would never defend an affair Ted, but neither would I cast a stone on someone. It is a horrible, shit way to live. Like I said, a half life. You hurt those you love and you hurt your own soul and heart. Affairs are so damaging.

That said, lots and lots of people are trapped in very lonely sad isolating situations. The 'dear' husband or wife or partner aren't dear at all. They can be mean, hurtful, excruciatingly boring, embarrassing, dirty, lazy, frightening, uninterested.

And often we put up because we have no options. Small children, no money, few friends or no family.

So affairs can happen. Swap the word 'affair' for love, friendship or support. Take away phrases like ' bouncing on his cock' and swap it for 'talking to someone who gives a shit about you'. 'Affairs' aren't all about sex. In fact, I would guess that most of the time this is the last of motivations.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 22:14

No not at all Bluebird- that is my point. I am saying that pregnancy doesnt mean the relationship was ok. My friend's girl (who I am still good mates with) continued to have children with him despite the fact she was with another bloke behind his back.

PollyPerky · 19/02/2017 22:38

Maybe read some of the relationship threads and see how devastating affairs can be!

I have. Often. I have close friends who have been on the receiving end too. I don't condone them, But neither are they always black and white.

It still doesn't excuse grown up, supposedly mature women behaving behind anon user names in the way they do here.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 22:44

As did your friend, knowing that he also was being unfaithful. I don't think anyone is saying that pregnancy makes a relationship good. And horrible women don't suddenly become nice because they are expecting a baby. Obviously that's not the case. It can be a trying time for even a happy relationship. But being unhappy does not give anybody carte blanche to go off sleeping with whoever they please. In your friend's case, both of them were reckless and selfish in the extreme to behave in the way they did, with children involved in their mess. In the OP's situation, we are told that the OM is the one doing the dirty and not his pregnant wife and so naturally he is the one betraying his family and on the receiving end of the flack.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 22:50

Just bear in mind things are not always as they seem

Yes..... so you keep saying. hmm
The OP has been pretty honest about the fact that she enjoyed the 'connection' and the sex. She states she is happily married.
What are we not seeing then?

  • that for all we know the marriage is a bloody mess and the wife is with someone else too? Just so tiresome and reductive to place a pregnant woman as the martyred victim. God knows I will support women ( especially pregnant women) to the extreme but transcribing to this 1950's version of life when men are cheating cads and pregnant wifes are precious madonnas is just utter bullshit.
SparklyMagpie · 19/02/2017 22:56

All those people slating you...have they never done anything wrong? These things happen - well I for one wouldn't go fucking a man whose partner/ wife was due to have a baby. Yes I've made mistakes but I can fucking assure you that is not one I'd make, EVER!

OP I've been in a similar situation where I was the pregnant partner; I had to make him spill all FOUR days after I'd had our son
The hurt and pain I will never forget and I think it's disgusting, man or woman who can do this let alone the partner/wife be pregnant

I hope you stick to it. You're husband and the mother of his child deserve not to be lied to. I never recovered

I couldn't think of anything worse than my partner shagging around when I was due to have his child any minute.

Disgusting and unforgivable in my eyes

jeaux90 · 19/02/2017 22:57

So much sense JHM. I really like your insightful posts. Those are my experiences too from watching friends and family be cheated on, having been cheated on myself and having been in a situation where I might have done if the circumstances to feel loved would have shown themselves. Doesn't make me bad, just makes me human.

SparklyMagpie · 19/02/2017 22:57

I'd they arnt happy then fucking leave, don't rip apart the partners Hmm

If you couldn't give shit about shagging in the first place then why do you give a shit about how the husband/wife feel if you left?!

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 22:59

Yes, completely agree with you Bluebird. But people dont generally ' go off and sleep with who they please'. They fuck up massively not because they are reckless and selfish- because they are bloody miserable and fed up.

I believe in people - I believe in their faults and their ability to do serious good and serious bad. Affairs cause untold pain. They are a choice and a terrible one and they don't ever end well.

BUT! and this is the big but-the 'cads/slags' thing isn't real. There are very few serial bastards and bitches who cheat for the fun of it. It is too much hard work. Most people end up in these situations because thesy are sad, miserable, neglected and lonely. I have been cheated on three times- twice because I was not invested in the relationship. The other time? He was a complete shit and a serial sex pest.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 23:00

JHM you seem utterly obsessed with the idea that some of the blame has to be apportioned to the pregnant wife in this scenario when there is absolutely nothing at all to suggest that she's done anything wrong. All we do know is that her husband has been shagging around whilst she was pregnant and taking care of his newborn baby.

When you're presented with a story about a pregnant lady who's husband is having an affair, I think it's a fair assumption to place her as the victim.

You don't sound very supportive of women (much less pregnant women) at all, let alone "to the extreme".

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 23:08

Most people end up in these situations because thesy are sad, miserable, neglected and lonely.

I'm afraid I just think that's a total cop out and such a cliché. It's every cheater's excuse as to why they couldn't control themselves. Sometimes relationships go south. Cheating is not an acceptable response. Relationships take work. You sure as shit aren't going to improve things by sleeping with other people. And if you've tried but it's not working, or your partner isn't doing their bit, then you either leave or you put up and shut up because you've decided that staying in the marriage, however bad it is, is in your best interests. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

SparklyMagpie · 19/02/2017 23:09

I can't even believe some of the shit I am reading.

So now the majority of the time it's the partner that's caused their other half to cheat Hmm fucking hell

Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 23:13

OP already said she was here because she needs lots of attention (sex) and fancied this man and well, IMO no one found out so it was a pretty easy thing to get away with. And it was fun.
Also I think there is a lack of sympathy because Op has (oddly IMO) never actually expressed any emotion about either OM or DH, it's all very factual and Almost disconnected from reality.
No idea whether she loves husband or has feelings for OM or whether she just needs this fulfilment for herself. Some people are empty and cut off from their emotions and seek out sex/risky sex as a way to feel something. It probably was very exciting. That's the main reason people do it. Because it feels nice