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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm ending the affair

185 replies

Userr123 · 19/02/2017 12:25

So last month I posted on here how is had a very intense and passionate affair with a colleague, we are both married.
He's returning from paternity leave tomorrow, we've not spoken for a fortnight.
So it's difficult, we work together.
I am just going to text in the morning, saying I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, and avoid all calls.
I will see him in the office, but hope we can just be professional.
I have no intension of getting into any discussions about it with him, I'll get emotional.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 23:14

Bluebird, not at all. I have just lived through this scenario enough times to know that maybe things aren't as they seem. Hopefully she will move on, Maybe she won't. Maybe it suits them both to have this situation as unpalatable as it may seem? Dunno.

Of course there is nothing to suggest she is doing anything wrong- poor girl is being discussed on a website. Its a shit situation. But I wont prescribe to the bad man/good pregnant woman thing without knowing the whole story because from my (limited) experience life just aint that simple.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 23:18

Most people end up in these situations because thesy are sad, miserable, neglected and lonely.

I'm afraid I just think that's a total cop out and such a cliché. It's every cheater's excuse as to why they couldn't control themselves. Sometimes relationships go south. Cheating is not an acceptable response. Relationships take work. You sure as shit aren't going to improve things by sleeping with other people. And if you've tried but it's not working, or your partner isn't doing their bit, then you either leave or you put up and shut up because you've decided that staying in the marriage, however bad it is, is in your best interests. You can't have your cake and eat it too

No- exactly. Many many women ( and men) put up and shut up and live in sadness and misery and sexless, loveless, sad 'partnerships' because they cant get out. They cant leave because of lack of support/family/friendships/ finance.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 23:25

Bluebird- If I wanted to leave my marriage I really couldn't. I have no finances, family or friendship support. I would be completely isolated. 100%. So to say to someone who is unhappy or contemplating/ or in an an affair situation to 'just leave' is impossible.

gillybeanz · 19/02/2017 23:29

I know somebody like this, she was just as detched with her own flesh and blood.
OP can't see that she has done wrong, she needs somebody to tell her.
It's all about her because she is incapable of considering others.
If I am right she deserves our pity, because she doesn't have a clue.
OP, unless you get some counselling and therapy you are going to be an old cat lady. (no disrespect to female cat owners)

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 23:39

Cheating is a cowardly thing to do.

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 23:44

If you're not happy there is a way out and that's by sorting out yourself going back to College and re-skilling.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 23:49

Bluebird- If I wanted to leave my marriage I really couldn't. I have no finances, family or friendship support. I would be completely isolated. 100%. So to say to someone who is unhappy or contemplating/ or in an an affair situation to 'just leave' is impossible.

But the answer to that is not to have an affair. If you feel that you can't leave then that's a real shame but it still doesn't give you a free pass to shag someone else. It would still be very wrong to have an affair. This is exactly why I've worked hard at maintaining personal friendships (in spite of social anxiety that has been quite crippling at times) and will always earn my own money if I can (assuming I'm lucky enough not to fall ill or get injured etc) because I want my freedom and I would hate to feel trapped.

But I wont prescribe to the bad man/good pregnant woman thing without knowing the whole story

It doesn't really matter what the whole story is. Whatever his wife may or may not have done, HE was still in the wrong for cheating. She may have been in the wrong too for whatever reason. But it doesn't get him off the hook at all. Her wrongdoings do not diminish his. There is also the small matter of the child who should have been his priority, not a sordid affair with OP. So, regardless of his wife's actions, it is still safe to say that he's a complete and utter arsehole for shagging around behind his pregnant wife's back. That's just a fact. There is no possible scenario where he comes out of this smelling like roses.

Londonsburningahhhh · 20/02/2017 00:00

The Op could be promiscuous know one knows much about her. He could have given his wife the clap. The friend I used to go out with she didn't have the one or two men she had another couple on the go.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/02/2017 00:47

You haven't spoken since his child was born, not once in two weeks, this tells you all you need to know about your importance in his life. He said he wanted to stop the physical side when his child was born, i think he will be after sex for at least a few weeks while his wife recovers from the birth. Two weeks of 'going without' he will be gagging for it tomorrow. You have a choice - retain some me dignity & say no, or let him treat you like crap then Fuck him when it suits him.

justgivemethepinot · 20/02/2017 12:49

Time for a job change and a long hard look at yourself OP.

Lunar1 · 21/05/2017 17:54

Have you blocked his number?

Thinkingofausername1 · 21/05/2017 18:19

How could you have an affair with a man who's wife has just had a baby. You should be ashamed of yourself for putting her sexual health at risk whilst pregnant.
women like you really piss me off

jeaux90 · 21/05/2017 18:29

This thread is a couple of months old. Interesting that you don't think the woman's husband is responsible for the sexual health of his wife!

cremedelashite · 21/05/2017 19:18

That's good op. You'll be happier in the long run

Helly12 · 21/05/2017 20:04

I was once "the wife" in a situation like this. Two heartbroken kids and a year of antidepressants later and I left. The damage you have done is irreparable, you only seem concerned with yourself and how YOU are feeling, not the poor woman who is married to a cheating slime ball and is a new mum....Your shame and remorse should be enough motivation for you to stay away from him. Oh and karma is a bitch, it will come back to bite you on the arse :)

WeeMcBeastie · 21/05/2017 20:58

Another here who doesn't like the way the OP is being treated by some posters. Yes, she's cheating on her husband and it's 'wrong' but nobody on an Internet forum can possibly know what it's like to be in another person's marriage. It's not always that easy to get out of a marriage either. The OP cannot be blamed for the MM cheating on his wife, that's his responsibility. In the majority of marriage break ups I've seen happen in those around me, affairs were a factor in most of them. None of these people are what I would consider to be 'bad' people, human psychology is far more complex than that, as are relationships. I'm saying this as someone who was cheated on at least twice during my marriage. The only person I blame for that is my EXH! Even then when I think about it, I don't really blame him that much because our relationship was shite!
Good luck OP, you have made the right decision.

anon1987 · 21/05/2017 21:00

He's a horrible man.
What sort of man does this whilst his wife is pregnant and calls to say how good another looks the day before she gives birth?.

I think you're making the right decision.

Arealhumanbeing · 21/05/2017 21:06

It sounds like you made the right decision, OP. It would only end up hurting more in the end.

Please don't come back to this thread. You don't need to engage with most of the stuff that has been said here.

Take good care.

noova61 · 21/05/2017 23:33

There shouldve been no starting it, both married and him with a child on the way...I really feel for his wife and god help her if she ever finds out!!

OhhBetty · 22/05/2017 08:24

Reading this has really brought a lot of memories back. My ex cheated when I was pregnant and when our son was 3 weeks old. It very nearly caused a breakdown for me and I now suffer from anxiety. I was afraid to even leave the house for a while as she threatened my baby son. They also worked together. Me and ex split finally when our son was 18 months old. The OW was just desperate for any attention as she gpt pregnant by the next guy who came along. I saw all the messages begging my ex to leave me and have a baby with her.

My life now is good although I suffer from anxiety and depression now. I have met someone but I'm taking things very very slowly as I don't want to get hurt. I would have loved more children but I won't have any more now as I refuse to put myself in that situation again. I'm only 26. My son still sees his dad but not much (his dad's choice) and still asks for him every day aged 2.5. His newborn phase was completely ruined for me and I could never ever forgive that.

I just wanted you to know what you have done will have the potential to affect OM's wife and child. Obviously the blame lies with him too. The best thing you can do is scrape what little dignity you have left off the floor, and move on. Definitely change jobs if you have any kind of morals whatsoever.

Every woman is worth more than a man who would do this to his pregnant partner. Or any partner for that matter.

RockyBird · 22/05/2017 08:36

Draw a line under it. Remember not to shag any married men in the future, unless they happen to be married to you.

Speaking of which, now is a good time to fill your husband I need on the details of your life you've not been telling him. Give him the opportunity to make an informed choice about his future.

RockyBird · 22/05/2017 08:37

I need = in

revolution909 · 23/05/2017 11:49

I have never been cheated on nor cheated myself, but I understand things things sometimes happen? There's the possibility the both married the wrong person and they're just realizing this. It is an unfortunate situation and after they analyze what's wrong with their marriages keeping it secret seems like the best choice and probably separation

LiftElevatorWhatever · 23/05/2017 12:22

I cannot sympathise with you.
You will reap what you have sown.

noova61 · 23/05/2017 12:35

I have been cheated on by ex hubby...the pain it causes is unreal. He like you showed no compassion and didnt think he was wrong, just like you. This man has a newborn baby, you knew his wife was due to give birth and yet you still chose to have sex with him...you have the morals of an alley cat, as does he.....Im have no sympathy for either of you, but every sympathy to both your partners. Someone will know whats been going on and the cat will soon be out of the bag and hopefully the shit will hit the fan for you both....I DETEST people who cheat on their partners and you both deserve everything that comes your way.

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