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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm ending the affair

185 replies

Userr123 · 19/02/2017 12:25

So last month I posted on here how is had a very intense and passionate affair with a colleague, we are both married.
He's returning from paternity leave tomorrow, we've not spoken for a fortnight.
So it's difficult, we work together.
I am just going to text in the morning, saying I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, and avoid all calls.
I will see him in the office, but hope we can just be professional.
I have no intension of getting into any discussions about it with him, I'll get emotional.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
Nomoreworkathome · 19/02/2017 18:50

You have to bear in mind with this board, that a lot of people come here when they have experienced the heartache of having been cheated on in some way. The general perspective is therefore quite skewed

Quite possibly the most idiotic post I have seen on here. Poor OP getting a flaming because she asked for 'thoughts' which are clearly skewed in most cases.
Skewed. Because the OP is quite rightly getting flamed. Has fuck all to do with common decency and morals. Silly me (us)
I will assume you have never been cheated on Hmm

dangerrabbit · 19/02/2017 18:58

It's good that you've ended and think about it like this. Neither of you would want to have a relationship with the other if by some miracle you were both available as by cheating you have both shown yourself to be untrustworthy. Get a new job

Cricrichan · 19/02/2017 19:03

What I don't get, is how you could be with the type of man who's happy to have an affair whilst his wife is Pg. And how you would find it she'd when he's texting you how beautiful you look when he's got a newborn.

How on earth can you stomach that?

He's vile and what about you? What's keeping you in your marriage? How do you feel about your husband?

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 19:04

Completely agree with jeaux90. A horrible situation but demonising individuals is totally naive.

Affairs happen. They are generally fucking miserable and stressful and you end up living a half life. But often they happen for a reason. The 'cad/slag' argument is actually confusing. People often stray because they are very fucking unhappy but feel obliged to stay to keep 'the family' intact.

Yeah- this guy sounds like a prick. But maybe his wife is too. Maybe she is behaving as badly as he is. Who knows? Life it very complex.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 19:06

Obviously he was the one with the pregnant wife and his actions are his own, but do people really think it's OK to sleep with a married man? That there's absolutely nothing wrong in that behaviour? Would you be OK with all your friends and family knowing that you were shagging a bloke who was married with a newborn baby? The married guy isn't writing on MN, which is why he's not getting his share of the fallout here. But that doesn't mean we have to pretend that OP's (or any OW's) behaviour is exemplary and something to be proud of.

Underthemoonlight · 19/02/2017 19:07

Can't believe some posters find this behaviour ok anyone with decency wouldn't be shagging someone's husbands who wife is pregnant then wanting to continue the affair after the baby's born.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 19:08

People often stray because they are very fucking unhappy but feel obliged to stay to keep 'the family' intact.

I think the idea that a man who was sending sleazy messages to his bit on the side the day before his son was born feels any sort of obligation to his family is laughable.

Nomoreworkathome · 19/02/2017 19:10

Affairs happen. They are generally fucking miserable and stressful and you end up living a half life. But often they happen for a reason. The 'cad/slag' argument is actually confusing. People often stray because they are very fucking unhappy but feel obliged to stay to keep 'the family' intact. Yeah- this guy sounds like a prick. But maybe his wife is too. Maybe she is behaving as badly as he is. Who knows? Life it very complex.

Sorry..... THIS is the most idiotic post on here..... forget what I said before. You sound as lovely as the OP. Hmm

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 19:12

Don't shag the help you're fucking with your job. That's the only advice I have for you. You sound like you're in a bad place to have gone there. It's not a good way of massaging the ego to be with a man who's wife is pregnant. He's spent 2 weeks being a new dad and being a good 'husband' to his wife and not 1 call to you. Is your ego hurting and that's why you are ending it?

For him to behave this selfishly tells me you probably won't be his last conquest. You should either end the marriage or work through your issues together.

teresa5849 · 19/02/2017 19:14

The only thing when having an affair is to keep it just as that, and when it have run it's course move on.

motmot · 19/02/2017 19:14

Like a few others, I have been in a similar position to the wife. I can tell you it is a particularly singular kind of excruciating pain to be betrayed at such a physically and emotionally vulnerable time.

Of course you are not 'responsible' for your colleague's wife's happiness. But you are responsible for your actions, for having a moral compass. Which isn't pointing due north, to put it mildly. You want to end it, or it has been ended. So grow up and do everything in your power to ensure it stays that way.

Those are my thoughts.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 19:21

Ok. Reverse it. Many many people are living in miserable marriages. They can't get out because of the shame their parents/friends/family would feel. They can't afford to leave because it would cost them their home. Life goes on- a pregnancy happens.

I am not defending him. I am saying that people try to soldier on in miserable marriage.

She may be desperately unhappy too. A pregnancy doesn't automatically make you a fabulous person. This behaviour is shit, no doubt, but take the log out of your own eye before taking the splinter out of anothers.

The responses are self selecting- those in happy marriages will feel outrage and disgust. Those that aren't will understand what a mess misery can cause.

Lucy7400 · 19/02/2017 19:23

I'll give you to the end of the week before you are at it again. You deserve each other. Gross.

LFWarrior · 19/02/2017 19:23

You say he still wants you and phones you speaking for hours.... wow, you must be irresistible.....or could it just be that you have filled a sexual void in his life whilst his wife was busy having his baby? Come on, it's not much of an achievement to be wanted by a man incapable of decent, respectful behaviour although the same could be said of him. You are both despicable. Totally wrapped up in a ridiculous fantasy, fanning each other's ego's and not caring much who you hurt. The only people I feel truly sorry for are your husband and his poor wife. Look at yourself and perhaps it's time to be s bit more honest about what you actually want out of life. If it's not your husband then do the decent thing and let the poor chap find a partner he deserves. No one deserves this.

pigeondujour · 19/02/2017 19:23

Can't help but feel from reading her opening post that the attention and flagellating the OP is getting was what she was looking for all along.

Nomoreworkathome · 19/02/2017 19:31

The responses are self selecting- those in happy marriages will feel outrage and disgust. Those that aren't will understand what a mess misery can cause.
Because it really is as simple as this. Hmm
A classic apologist. The scummy OP will feel better as you carry a beacon of light for her.

You sound as deluded as the OP.... in fact... are you the husband who is/has fucked her and binned her (for now)?

NavyandWhite · 19/02/2017 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Holly3434 · 19/02/2017 19:36

The wife's been told probably no sex for 6 weeks after birth OM still ain't interested in her to fill this gap of time loosing your touch OP Biscuit

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 19:41

I read the last thread she posted in January. She posted that she was happily married and the affair started 6 months ago other had sex 4 times. He wanted to end it before the baby arrived in Feb which she agreed to. I'm missing the passionate part in this affair. You knew the score and now you're behaving oddly. Leave him alone like a pp said you filled a void and that's it.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 19:45

The responses are self selecting- those in happy marriages will feel outrage and disgust. Those that aren't will understand what a mess misery can cause.

Rubbish. I've been in miserable relationships before. I am currently very happily married. Never in my life, regardless of my relationship status, did I find the idea of an affair (especially one involving a pregnancy/newborn baby) to be anything other than abhorrent. Being unhappy does not preclude a person from having a moral compass.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 19:47

No, and I have never been the OW though I have experienced the pain of being lied to and cheated. I don't think I am deluded- I just don't assume that both parties are righteous and happy because a baby is involved. It is a horrible painful heartbreaking mess; I agree.

But just because the 'wronged' person is the woman and pregnant I would never, from past experience with my own circle, assume she was blameless. Life doesn't work like that.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 19:49

Whatever the wife may or may not have done, it does not excuse her husband having an affair. There is never an excuse for that. Especially with a baby on the way. If you can't make it work together, you leave. You don't shag someone else. So yes, the wife is absolutely blameless.

JHMJHM · 19/02/2017 19:52

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder I felt the same too, Bluebird. You are currently happily married. Other people aren't and for many reasons cant get out.

Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 19:54

He could have given her an STD.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 20:00

JHMJHM there is just no reason at all for having an affair. No circumstance where it's OK. I understand how it happens. But that doesn't make it the right thing to do. What possible excuse could OP's fling have for betraying his pregnant wife in this way? I'm genuinely interested to hear what extenuating circumstances might make this a morally acceptable course of action for him to take.