I'm ending the affair

[Userr123]

So last month I posted on here how is had a very intense and passionate affair with a colleague, we are both married.
He's returning from paternity leave tomorrow, we've not spoken for a fortnight.
So it's difficult, we work together.
I am just going to text in the morning, saying I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, and avoid all calls.
I will see him in the office, but hope we can just be professional.
I have no intension of getting into any discussions about it with him, I'll get emotional.
Thoughts please.

JHM he was clearly still having a sexual relationship with his wife given the fact she has just had his baby

I think you need a new job and to block his number, no contact is the best way forward. I can't have been easy deciding to end things. Yes you did something shitty but we are all just human and you now know that you acted like a cunt. I hope your marriage survives and you can go on to be happy.

It is a horrible painful heartbreaking mess; I agree

For who exactly? The poor OP shagging a married man?? Cheating on her husband? The OM?

Sorry guys I'm with JHM on this. Nothing is black and white. I've been cheated on and there is massive difference in serial cheaters, those who have exit affairs and those who genuinely fall in love. There are those in abusive relationships who cheat, would you give them a bashing too?

The dude who the OP is having the affair with sounds like a real prince, the kind I would like to see given a massive dose of laxatives in a public place, but none of us know his situation either.

This thread is about the OP. She needs to go no contact, get a new job ideally and work out whether she wants to be married or not and preferably tell her husband. (As long as he's not an abusive asshole)

All your threads are terribly self indulgent. Kind of like you see yourself as a book character. A victim of everyone elses actions, doomed to a life you feel is beneath you, no control over your own life, gripping on to the one bit of happiness you can.

I imagine you also think you will rise like phoenix from the flames in a blaze of glory when you become a strong independent woman.

Its sounds like a crap book but a book all the same. .
Get a grip, he has finished it with you, he is a wanker, a slimy asshat, you arent much better.

You are not a victim of everyone else's actions. You chose to sleep with a man while you were married, while he was married and his wife was pregnant. You CHOSE that.

Stop pretending your mistakes are not your own.

Not excusing anything- but neither do I subscribe to the Victorian notion that 'there is no excuse to have an affair' and that the pregnant woman is a Madonna, Marian like saint. Life is just not that simple.

Actually there are loads of reasons to seek love, support and approbation outside marriage. You are in a marriage- you can't get out for many reasons so you keep going. There is no love, sex, support or respect- guess what? You may meet someone who provides these things.

What are you apologising for Jeaux
Perhaps you, the OP and JHM should compare notes

There are those in abusive relationships who cheat, would you give them a bashing too?

I'm sure you're right that an abused person would not get such a rough ride. But it's still not right to have an affair, is it? There are shades of grey, degrees of 'wrongness' perhaps, but still no situation where it's absolutely fine and dandy to have an extramarital affair. An abused person who is having an affair may well be 'less wrong' than their abuser (depends on what that abuse entails I guess), but does that mean that their affair becomes something good? Of course not. It's just 'less wrong' than the behaviour of their spouse.

Anyway, there's no indication that this bloke's wife is abusive in any way. And his newborn child certainly isn't. They're just collateral damage from OP and her fancy man's "passionate" relationship.

If you are open to the idea of an affair, you would be better served not entering into marriage in the first place. Or at least marrying someone who is on the same page. Not excusing infidelity is not "Victorian". It's one of the fundamentals of marriage.

There is no love, sex, support or respect- guess what? You may meet someone who provides these things.

In this scenario, you leave. You put on your big girl/boy pants and get out before embarking on another relationship.

He called me for hours every day. The last conversation we had he hold me how good id looked in the office that day and how much he still liked me.

You are a bit into yourself aren't you OP. The above isn't even relevant information. Clearly he's not banging you because you are a nice person . We have all worked that bit out!

Actually nomore that's exactly what my partner did. I was pregnant with my dd who is 7 now. He cheated again and again during my pregnancy. I found out after I left him. So you can stick your assumptions up your dog collared arse.

Despite all this I am still empathetic to people who find themselves on both sides because if someone had offered me the love and support I needed when I was in that shitty situation I might well have taken it. I found my own way out but still ......

Then you are no better than the OP Jeaux

I had a three month affair with a married colleague, who had a child under one year old. I was also married. I was very unhappy but I felt trapped and the idea of ending my marriage had been unthinkable. He was much younger than me and it was never going to be a proper relationship. I still fell for him more than a bit but I am sure that for him it was purely sexual.

I felt devastated when it ended even though I knew it would and should. It took me about 9 months of absolutely no contact (which was excruciating for several months) to get over it.

The affair made me realise that I didn't want to carry on with my marriage and that I needed to end it before I met someone else that there could be a future with. I had counselling and read lots of wise words on this board.

Four years later I am divorced, have never been happier and am with someone new who is 100 times the man either my OM or XH were.

My XH has the opportunity to find a new relationship.

OM is still with his wife. A year after our affair ended he contacted me fishing to start it up again - I delighted in telling him where to go.

OP, you behaved this way for a reason, you need to work out what that reason is and sort out your life. It will take a long time so you may as well start now. I don't personally believe that anyone who is happily married has a an affair.

I know a lot of people who have been through the agony of infidelity. The lies, the paranoia, the complete breakdown. Me included.

And I think the OP was misjudged in her post. She was hoping for support that she wouldn't ever get. And not from me either.

However- people who fall out of love within a bad marriage and meet someone else arent 'scummy'. They are human. I dont want to leave my marriage but if I did I would have NOWHERE to go and no money. No one would help me. No one.

I would implore people to understand that yes guess what- some people, both women and men are stuck in loveless marriages that they cant extricate themselves from. 'Just leave' is not an option.

Insightful posts from JHMJHM and Jeaux

P.S. My current man knows everything I have posted above.

I sometimes think there should be a separate place on MN for people who are having affairs to post on. That way they are not slap bang in the middle of threads form people whose lives have been destroyed by infidelity.

JMH I noticed you didn't include honesty in your speech. I'm not surprised 😳.

IIRC, he's been trying hard to dump the OP for some time, but she's been trying to restoke things.

If she can be believed this time, and she actually has some resolve, then this is easy. Neither of you will be speaking other than professionally.

OP needs to change her commute (even just by sitting in a different carriage, if changing the time won't work) and probably start job hunting.

There really is no drama here, and it's a very common (even mundane) scenario.

I would suggest OP needs to work on her own primary relationship, but from what I remember if previous threads that'll fall in stony ground.

Nomore not sure what your beef is here. Compare notes on what? Life? Sure!! Isn't that why we are here on mn???

Woahh!!! My childhood got completely destroyed by infidelity! My father was a liar and a chest and he died a miserable regretful alcoholic.

Maybe that's why I feel the way I do- in my childhood I demonised my dad (I didn't speak to him for two years) as he was 'the cheater'. Actually what I know now is a bigger picture- my parents had a sexless, miserable marriage. Day in day out. Looking back, the domestic situation was shit. They were both to 'blame'. But I don't blame either of them.

And for note- my fathers affairs started with the birth of my sister. Pretty much the same time my mothers scornful, critical and relentless, isolating criticism of him started.

Perhaps read the OP's previous thread on her fucking around jeaux
Maybe you are more forgiving and understanding of people like her. I'm not.
She wants her cake and she wants to stuff her face with it.
This is not someone in an abusive r'ship looking for a way out...... in fact she described herself as happily married.
Maybe you are right..... perhaps I should stay off these threads as they make me pretty pissed off.

JHM
The OP described herself as happily married on her previous thread

And yes- despite the miserable sexless marriage they still had 3 kids. Pregnancies dont prove an amazing, active, regular sex life- I know that from my own experience.

This reminds me of Micheal Douglas and the bunny boiler movie.