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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm ending the affair

185 replies

Userr123 · 19/02/2017 12:25

So last month I posted on here how is had a very intense and passionate affair with a colleague, we are both married.
He's returning from paternity leave tomorrow, we've not spoken for a fortnight.
So it's difficult, we work together.
I am just going to text in the morning, saying I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore, and avoid all calls.
I will see him in the office, but hope we can just be professional.
I have no intension of getting into any discussions about it with him, I'll get emotional.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 15:53

The last conversation we had he hold me how good id looked in the office that day and how much he still liked me. The next day he had his child.

That actually made me feel a bit sick. What a disgusting toad he is. If you are still attracted to a man who can behave like that then you have some very serious work to do on yourself.

Focus on your marriage (either improving it or ending it with compassion) and leave this guy alone to hopefully make a go of it with his wife and baby. They deserve far, far better than what the pair of you have been doing to them.

Not really sure what else you want anybody to say here. You certainly don't deserve a medal. You're only doing the very bare, bare minimum that you ought to (I.e. not shagging a married man who's just had a baby when you also have a husband).

PollyPerky · 19/02/2017 16:10

Well Under at least you admit your posts were brutal. I don't see any virtue whatsoever in being brutal and it doesn't give you or anyone doing the same the moral high ground, despite how you clearly think it does.

It doesn't help because the OP knows she has done wrong. How can she not? She asked for help in staying away from him. Not a slagging off for starting it. We all know it's wrong and so does she. No need to keep banging on about it.

Sweets101 · 19/02/2017 16:13

I think as you haven't spoken to each other for 2 weeks, I would go with just keep doing that.

tribpot · 19/02/2017 16:16

I predict you'll be back in the throes of this 'doomed romance'/tragic shagfest by the end of the week, convinced that his declarations (about your appearance?) are worth far more than they actually are.

In the meantime, how do you intend to avoid him on the commute in to work?

Underthemoonlight · 19/02/2017 16:22

Yes it was brutal but having been cheated on when having a baby myself. I have zero sympathy. Op doesn't even demonstrate any regret or feeling of remorse towards the wife especially as she is pretty vulnerable after giving birth instead she focuses on her own desires and wants. There's no meantion about her poor partner either. I don't know what op expects people to do, maybe just maybe one of the negative posts might resonate enough she realises how selfish she's being and cut ties completely.

I see so many threads of poor women who have been left in what they thought were happy marriages with their young DC in favour of young woman it's heartbreaking for them. Hopefully op might get some insight into the coinsciences of her actions and the impact those have on innocent people.

Original poster
Userr123 · 19/02/2017 16:26

Tribot, we don't commute together, we walk on the phone on our respective commutes, so avoiding now on will be simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
Userr123 · 19/02/2017 16:26

*talk on the phone

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 19/02/2017 17:07

Under you ought not to allow your own experiences colour your judgement and lash out at someone. You can't be sure the OP doesn't feel guilty etc just because she's not posted those thoughts here. what would you like to do next? Tar and feathers maybe?

TheNaze73 · 19/02/2017 17:08

Are you totally deluded?Biscuit

CitrusSun · 19/02/2017 17:30

Ugh, women who do this to other women, makes me feel grubby and angry at females like this, just for a thrill, excitement, the chase, the challenge, a sense that you were better than another woman, more desirable, what was it? Just awful.

Valentine2 · 19/02/2017 17:40

To the poster who said why do some people get off on being nasty, no we don't. In fact, it's the OP who is doing exactly that in every way.
No one is here to win medals for being nice and polite. I will say this to people in real life and I still have loads of friends, thank you. I did cut off cheaters from my circle and it made me feel great and did not affect me.
Why shouldn't I do this? These people are destroying families FFS.

Underthemoonlight · 19/02/2017 17:44

Polly I'm not letting my own personal feeling cloud anything I would have the same view if I hadn't experienced it I have morals and I draw the line with stuff like this I would be as equally frank if I was talking to a friend. What does op really expect posters to say aw poor you, no they won't and quite afew posters after me have very similar view points to me.

Underthemoonlight · 19/02/2017 17:45

She doesn't feel guilt she wants to igniate this affair when he's just had a newborn there's no ounce of guilt otherwise she wouldn't want to be engaging in this affair further.

Northernlurker · 19/02/2017 17:46

You've made your bed op. This is a horrible situation which has the potential to hurt a number of people. Small wonder its going to hurt you like hell for a bit. Deal with it.

Bones2017 · 19/02/2017 17:52

Unfortunately for OP, it will bite when it hits. One of 2 scenarios
1 - affair ends and carry on with your spouses then years down the line, THEY WILL find out and it hits you OP
2 - you tell your husband now and let him find someone decent.
Either way, you lose.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 17:54

what would you like to do next?

Tell her DH she has been cheating would be a good start.

Nomoreworkathome · 19/02/2017 17:56

She asked for help in staying away from him

No she didn't. She asked for 'thoughts'.... which she got.

MrsSkeffington · 19/02/2017 18:02

You are vile - this should be the happiest time of that woman's life and you are shagging her husband.
I wouldn't tell your husband just so it doesn't all come out and destroy that woman's life. Perhaps your guilt and living with it alone is a punishment

Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 18:03

Feeling bad is exactly what you need to feel to stay away.
If you felt good about it you wouldn't stay away

SmellySphinx · 19/02/2017 18:05

He's returning from paternity leave tomorrow

The fuck?

Anyway, erm nice one that you're ending it

Holly3434 · 19/02/2017 18:10

The OP needs to wise up while he phoned you to say you look good, he went home told his wife he loved her, had sex with her made out everything's perfect. Why don't you stop being a teenager about things put your big girl pants on and look at the man you married and finish it with him because he deserves better than a wife who drops her knickers for a married man

jeaux90 · 19/02/2017 18:24

Yeah I'm so bored of the OW berating.

OP it was the partners responsibility to keep his dick in his pants and yours to remain faithful to your partner.

All this nonsense about women being responsible for another woman's marriage is bullshit.

You should change jobs if you can't cut him off and also decide whether you want to remain in your marriage as you sound very unhappy. Work out why you did this and whether being married is what you want.

Fwiw I believe that marriage is a bullshit social construct and it's all about assets but you signed up to it, perhaps you need to sign out of it and live your life solo.

ChocolateDoll · 19/02/2017 18:30

You have to bear in mind with this board, that a lot of people come here when they have experienced the heartache of having been cheated on in some way.

The general perspective is therefore quite skewed. In real life I don't think so many people put the expectations on a woman to look after somebody else's marriage.

PollytheDolly · 19/02/2017 18:35

His marriage is his to deal with and yours is yours. You both made a decision but you're not responsible for his behaviour, nor he yours. Make sure you really do end it though and the shit will hit the fan at some point I'm afraid. You need to be honest with your DH if you're to move on truly.

janaus · 19/02/2017 18:44

As a cheated on wife, what would you like to hear? Your husband and his wife deserve better.