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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants kids

202 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 10:40

Hello all. Im 34 and have two kids aged 15 and 8. Neither father is involved.
Ive been with a lovely man for 3 years and its fairly serious. Ive known he may want his own kids but never overly discussed it.
Last week he told me he wants us to get married and have a child fairly soon. Hes 42.
Im in shock i dont want another child and i suppose i knew this may happen but

OP posts:

Pacha11 · 17/02/2017 18:50

You knew.

Beegu5 · 17/02/2017 19:19

Hi op, you say that it's not an ultimatum but do you feel that he's going to leave you if you say no? If so then that does really sound like an ultimatum. What if he leaves you after you have this baby for him? You sounded very sure in your first post that you didn't want another child. I feel for you as it must be a really tricky situation to be in

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 17/02/2017 19:22

We have compromised i dont know why thats viewed as negative

OP posts:

EurusHolmesViolin · 17/02/2017 19:59

It's viewed as negative because compromise is for things like where you go on holiday or the home you buy if you can't find one that ticks all boxes for both of you. Not for momentous decisions like whether to deliberately bring a child into the world. That's too important for either party to knowingly do without being totally on board with it.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 17/02/2017 20:01

I had my children without their fathers being on board and its turned out to be the best thing i did

OP posts:

EurusHolmesViolin · 17/02/2017 20:22

Did you conceive both knowing they didn't want to and were doing it to keep you? If so, it would bear some comparison, although even then the person not wanting the child wasn't the one going through pregnancy and birth. It would be ludicrous to think that doesn't make a difference.

Somerville · 17/02/2017 20:53

I don't agree that having a child is never a thing that should be compromised on. With my first (late) husband, because of the fields we worked in the bulk of childcare rested on me. So I didn't want to have another child, though he did, purely because it would mean me getting even busier and having to drop even more hours at work, and risk become deskilled in my field. I offered that if he found a way to drop to four days a week, I'd happily have another child. But he couldn't do that at his level and didn't want to take a pay cut so we agreed not to and compromised on a vasectomy instead!

Now I'm remarried. Once we were engaged, and he moved in and was a wonderful step-father to my older DC, I realised that all the things that had been an issue previously were no longer problematic because DH2's job is very flexible. With a compromise agreed that we'd both drop our hours and share the SAHP role, I was happy to try for another DC.

I get the impression with OP that it's similar. Not that it's a baby itself that she is unhappy about. But the financial/physical impact that is often a bigger burden on women than men. And compromising about work and childcare and finances and all of those practical issues can mean (though not necessarily of course) that someone then feels happy to go ahead with having another DC.

OP if you don't want a baby because you just don't want one then you shouldn't have one though.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 17/02/2017 21:08

Eurus DS was conceived during a 3 year relationship when i was 19. I didnt get pregnant on purpose it was a contraception failure. DD was conceived during another relationship and was planned. However when the demands of having a baby became too much he left. So neither father was on board. Surely its better now im at an age where alot of women are having their first and my DP is completely on board?

OP posts:

sammyjayneex · 17/02/2017 21:11

I can understand why you don't want another baby if your anxious about there being 3 different fathers but it wasn't your fault they left and you've obviously done a good job at bringing them up but I can also see his side. He wants a baby of his own. Even though he sees your children as his own he hasn't experienced having a newborn and a baby. It's only natural to want a baby just like it would be with you if he had the children and you didn't have any. I think it's one of the main things people should discuss when starting a relationship.

cooldarkroom · 18/02/2017 08:51

At one point in the USA, they gave dolls to teenage girls & they had to look after them day & night, they would cry in the night, the nappy had to be changed etc. The exercise was to learn that it wasn't a game to get pregnant.
I could have rented out a room to enthusiastic dads when my DD was 0-3 yrs old, to give them an idea of how hard it would be... There would be a lot fewer babies born I can tell you.
I think what I am trying to say is that you know how hard it can be, but your P doesn't, it's easy to say he will "be there", in reality they very rarely are.
until they can watch football together

EurusHolmesViolin · 18/02/2017 11:30

It would be better now if you actually wanted the child OP, yes. But you dont appear to. This isn't about your circumstances, it's about your feelings. If you genuinely did want another child there'd be no issue.

That example doesn't seem particularly analagous somerville. OP said she didn't want a child at all, and would do it as a compromise to keep her partner. In particular she didn't want the physical side, which cannot be shared and is significant even if you minimise it by EFF and a planned section. Whereas yours description of your concerns relates solely to things that could be divided between you.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 18/02/2017 14:45

DDs dad was onboard but left due to the demands of a baby and DS being 6. DP knows all this so im confident he wont bugger off. I think he ll be hit by a whole load of responsibility but he wants this so much

OP posts:

Somerville · 18/02/2017 14:54

Eurus, I was replying to your point (about having a baby not being something that should be compromised on) not offering an analogous situation to OP's.

I don't think you should rush into anything, OP. Eurus is right that the physical burden can only ever fall on us, however kind and helpful the baby's father is. Morning sickness made me vomit on my own feet whilst walking my dog earlier, and his sympathy is nice, and the fact that he's in charge for the rest of the day and I'm having a rest. But still, if this had been a reluctant compromise for me I'd be pretty resentful right now.

EurusHolmesViolin · 18/02/2017 20:21

It just doesn't really sound like the situation you give was a compromise on having a baby somerville. More like putting in place circumstances that would be mutually acceptable to TTC in?

I mean, do you what you want OP. Let's just hope you change your mind about wanting a child once, you know, it's actually here. And that if you don't, the child doesn't pick up on it.

Taylor22 · 18/02/2017 20:25

But it happens a lot.
I didn't want another. DH did. He talked me around and now we have DD.
Best baby in the world. Owns all other babies.

EurusHolmesViolin · 18/02/2017 20:57

It does indeed, and if the unwilling parent was definitely going to change their minds as you did there'd be no risk at all. The problem is, they might not. With attendant consequences.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 18/02/2017 21:32

I know if we have a baby I'll feel exactly the same about them as the 2 I already have though. I just didn't think more babies were on the agenda

OP posts:

EurusHolmesViolin · 18/02/2017 21:39

So you don't want a baby, you're only doing it as a compromise, but you know for definite you'll want one when it arrives? I hope you're right. Your posts upthread say a lot more than not thinking one was on the agenda though. If you have genuinely changed your mind, that's great, but doing it for anything other than a change of heart from your sentiments a couple of days ago is a risk however you slice it. Let us hope that's what it is.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 18/02/2017 21:40

OP posts:

Somerville · 18/02/2017 22:10

The fact you described yourself as being 'in shock' in your OP made me think you needed time to process and hadn't actually decided yet. Plus the fact that you'd started the thread at all - if you 100% knew you didn't want another child then I couldn't see why you wrote it.

I also think, as I said previously, then your experience of your child's father wanting nothing to do with them and being a single parent - not once but twice - would quite understandably leave you feeling very nervous about the thought of getting pregnant again. You've had your fingers burned so it is natural to be cautious.

I also think your points about your career, body, finances etc... are all entirely valid and need a lot of thought.

So take some more time to think about it and to talk to him about it all - and especially the practicalities. And if you decide it's right for both of you, then get the protections of marriage before you TTC, alongside looking into parental responsibility for him, or adoption.

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 18/02/2017 22:16

I posted because I wanted advice Somerville. I have been burnt badly with my other kids dads but Dp has never given me a reason to not trust him or think he's not committed. I know my reasons for ttc aren't exactly ideal to some but if it means we get married and raise a stable family unit then surely that's ok?

OP posts:

Taylor22 · 18/02/2017 22:23

Op has had two children with two men under two different circumstances that have left her with the same outcome through no fault of her own. Yet she's kept calm, knuckled down, kept a career and loved and nurtured those children.

I openly disagreed with some of her choices but Jesus give the women a break.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
I don't blame OP for being absolutely meticulous in her decision.
After being screwed over twice I think she deserves to maybe consider her happiness.

And if something as bad happened to me as it did OP twice I'd think am I hell doing that again.
But is not the same. This man might really be the one now.
But she's not being stupid. She knows what's at risk. So she's getting a ring first. Which will give her more protection.
And as her partner is so good he's clearly shown that this is not the same as before. So she doesn't need to hold onto the same fears.

Somerville · 18/02/2017 22:28

I wasn't saying that it wasn't okay.

I wrote my experience before, of at 34 thinking my family was definitely finished, and at 39 changing my mind. So I know feelings can change when circumstances change, and that sometimes it takes the feelings a bit of time to catch up with the changed circumstances, if that makes sense?

Original poster

LovelyUnicorn83 · 18/02/2017 22:37

Thanks taylor x. I think it will be different this time but I am worried about practicalities like I wasn't before I think that's due to being left high and dry the last two times

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 18/02/2017 22:41

Congratulations OP. You do sound like you really want to be with this guy , and he you, and hopefully you will love even more seeing him be a great dad to your baby as well as your older two :)

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