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Original poster

He wants kids

202 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 10:40

Hello all. Im 34 and have two kids aged 15 and 8. Neither father is involved.
Ive been with a lovely man for 3 years and its fairly serious. Ive known he may want his own kids but never overly discussed it.
Last week he told me he wants us to get married and have a child fairly soon. Hes 42.
Im in shock i dont want another child and i suppose i knew this may happen but Confused

OP posts:
WiggleYourWoo · 15/02/2017 20:56

Pimms if we split I would give him rights to the kids
What??? Who does that!?
OP from now on you need to really think through your every move and the consequences, like a chess player. Thinking things through obviously is not your strong point, but you need to give it your best shot to get yourself out of this mess.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 20:56

I do think things through

OP posts:
WiggleYourWoo · 15/02/2017 20:58

If you did you won't be posting here. Play the long game.

SuperBeagle · 15/02/2017 21:00

Imagine if you had stepkids and your partner told you that you didn't need a baby of your own, because your stepkids are "enough" for you.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 21:02

It's not that beagle I understand his need for his own child. It makes me a bit sad and I know it's stupid but it does make me feel like my kids aren't enough. I know it's not logical but my kids call him dad. Neither of my kids know their biological fathers so they were overjoyed when he came into our lives

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 15/02/2017 21:05

I get that, but you have to consider his feelings too. Children aren't something that can be compromised on. You have the two that you wanted, and he should also be afforded the opportunity to have children of his own. That doesn't mean that you should have them, because you shouldn't have children you don't want, but it does mean that you have to be willing to let the relationship go.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 21:06

I am considering his feelings

OP posts:
Somerville · 15/02/2017 21:10

I think you should consider looking at it the other way round, OP. Rather than that your kids 'are not enough', it could be that he is enjoying being your children's dad so much that he wants to be a dad all over again. (But even so, that doesn't mean you should agree to having another child if you don't want to.)

Have you looked into giving him parental responsibility, BTW? If your children's bio fathers have that too then it doesn't preclude him having it too. It's much more straightforward than adoption, though it sounds like that might be an option too?

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 21:11

My children's fathers aren't on the birth certificate if that matters? I would love to look into PR

OP posts:
EurusHolmesViolin · 15/02/2017 21:12

Ok so you won't lie to him. Do you think, when you tell him you don't want a baby but you will if you have to, that he'll then agree to try and conceive? Because that would be a poor decision on his part. It would put me off having a kid with him even if I wanted one!

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 21:14

I don't know what he will say. I think he'll reassure me it won't be like the crap i had in previous pregnancies and well get married etc. He would be an amazing dad.

OP posts:
EurusHolmesViolin · 15/02/2017 21:18

What, he'll actually change your mind? Or ignore your real views and have a child regardless?

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 21:19

I don't know what he will do. How could he have a child with me regardless?

OP posts:
Somerville · 15/02/2017 21:25

If you get married, and you're in England/Wales, then PR is very straightforward. You fill in a form and both sign it in front of a court officer. (Since their bio fathers don't have PR they wouldn't need to be contacted or involved in any way.)

That would give your children the security that they'd almost certainly get to stay with him if anything happened to you. (It would also give you some security that might make you think differently about another child?)

There's a lot of information about it exactly what PR means online that you should look through together. The official gov.uk website is good, and Gingerbread.

EurusHolmesViolin · 15/02/2017 21:28

By regardless, I mean having a child with you even though he knows you don't really want to. That you're doing it just to keep him.

Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 21:35

OP with all due respect.
You're daughter is calling a man Dad who she's known for less than 3 years whom her mother clearly hasn't made any long term plans with.
You do not think things through.
If you did your daughter would not be calling a man who could flake out of her life at the drop of a hat Dad.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 21:57

Taylor a relationship can break up at any time. I dont think its wrong that DD calls him dad either hes the only father figure shes had.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 22:09

Of course it can. But this child has already lost her actual father. Now she could potentially lose her Dad.
If her sperm Donor was a twat and walked away. That's not OPs fault. That's his.
However. The fact OP failed to learn and rushed into this without having the 'how long will you be in my child's life conversation' is her fault.
There is nothing connecting the child to this man other then want ATM.
He's not in the wrong if he holds his hands up and walks away. But if a dick thing to do after letting a child call you Dad.
But he won't be the one with devastated kids. He won't be the one explaining to them what's happened.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 22:20

So im in a catch 22 arent i?

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 22:24

That is of your making: the discussion about DC should have happened well before now.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 22:27

But it didnt so here we are. I have learnt aswell i dont go round have kids with every man i meet. Ive been in a commited relationship for 3.5 yrs.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 15/02/2017 22:32

But the kids conversation surely happens very early in a relationship, normally? No point in hanging about with someone who has entirely different goals in life. The fact that it's 3.5 years and this is now becoming a problem is just a result of not being open enough with each other initially.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 22:35

We spoke about it early on. We were both unsure and were happy with my kids. Now hes keen

OP posts:
Inneedofaholiday2017 · 16/02/2017 00:48

Lovely you are getting a really hard time on here which you don't deserve.
You need to sit down and think honestly about your priorities and discuss with your partner. It's ok to have a baby to keep him happy (it's what thousands of men do after all) and it's ok to tell him no you are done with babies. I hate pregnancy/childbirth too - if you had a traumatic time with your two have you considered counselling?

WildBelle · 16/02/2017 01:31

I understand where you're at OP. I have 2 dc (different dads, youngest one's father not involved at all). I was 100% sure that I didn't want any more kids. But I'm with a man now who really wants his own child (we are 36 and 44). He was married but his ex was infertile, they went through IVF with no luck.

It's not a done deal but I am certainly reconsidering my no more babies position. He is a great bloke, amazing with my DC, we get on really well and are so well matched to each other. In a lot of ways the thought of another baby leaves me cold, but then I had 2 kids with absolute dickheads before (and I'm guessing you probably did too if they are not even on BC). I think having a child with a supportive, loving man who has already proved himself as a good father would be a totally different experience to what I experienced before. So I guess what I'm saying is, you are probably remembering the hell of pg/baby/toddler stage doing it all on your own, but it sounds like it would be different this time.

I know that if it comes to the crunch of keeping my relationship or not having a baby, I'd choose my relationship. He benefits my existing dc in a lot of ways, by being a father figure to my youngest who doesn't have a father, and taking the youngest off my hands so I can spend quality time with my eldest, which happened rarely before. It's about the bigger picture too.