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Original poster

He wants kids

202 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 10:40

Hello all. Im 34 and have two kids aged 15 and 8. Neither father is involved.
Ive been with a lovely man for 3 years and its fairly serious. Ive known he may want his own kids but never overly discussed it.
Last week he told me he wants us to get married and have a child fairly soon. Hes 42.
Im in shock i dont want another child and i suppose i knew this may happen but Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 12:10

Guess im looking at being single then

OP posts:
NapQueen · 15/02/2017 12:15

Possibly

But the alternative is either
(1) have a third child you dont want
(2) be the reason your other half never has his own child

Neither of them are better options imo.

Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 12:23

I'm sorry you're going through this Op. you are stuck between a rock and a hard place Sad
However I agree with pp.
you're children can view him as their father however he wants to hold a newborn look into its eyes and see himself in there. He wants the milestones and the security.
Realistically if you were to separate you could take the children and he would have no choice. His child for life.

Boolovessulley · 15/02/2017 12:26

You need to tell him that you don't want another child.
Then the decision to leave or stay is his.

It's very different when a woman wants a child and a man doesn't.
It's the woman who goes through pregnancy. All the work is born by the woman.
He doesn't even know what it's like to have a new born , doesn't know what a woman goes through.
He won't be aware of the strain it can put on a relationship.
He won't be aware that sex will dry up etc etc.

If it all goes tits up it won't be him left holding the baby will it.
Tell him how you feel then leave the ball in his court.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 13:25

Were like so together in every other way. We live together and share finances. Were equally active in the kids lives.

OP posts:
Somerville · 15/02/2017 13:35

I think it might help you to thing of the specific reasons you don't want another baby. It might come down simply to not wanting to. And that's fine, and it's much fairer to be upfront with him about that. But it also could be that your reasons are based on fear, after having ended up a single parent twice before, and that with a loving husband this time round the experience would be quite different. Does that make sense?

I vehemently thought I didn't want any more children. But the reality of having a child with my second husband actually became rather pleasant. Partly because of what an awesome step father he is to my older children. Partly because he convinced me on the practicalities - we're both dropping some work hours rather than me making all the career sacrifices, for example. Partly because I like the thought of helping him raise his (our) child just like he's helping me raise mine.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 14:16

I just dont want another and dont want to have to have one to keep himSad

OP posts:
xStefx · 15/02/2017 14:32

And I bet he feels he doesn't want to have to forfeit having his own child to keep you either.

If your other DC's fathers have nothing to do with them and your DP has stepped up then why wouldn't you want to give him a child of his own? If you want to marry him then you cant have it all, you need to make some compromises. He seems to have made plenty of compromises by bringing up your dc's as his own, maybe time for you to make some too?
Its a hard one OP, but he has one life. To go through it never having your own child (if you want one) would be too much for a lot of people.

TheNaze73 · 15/02/2017 14:36

If the situation was reversed op & he had two children already & you wanted one of your own biologically, what would your reaction be? That's probably your answer in terms of balance & empathy. I think it's one of the toughest questions to answer. Maintaining the status quo, can't be an option sadly. Hope it all works out

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 14:40

Stef he has made compromises yes but having a baby is different. Its the hugest thing ever and theres a little person in the middle of this.
Naze i probably would want one of my own in that situation

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 14:54

My DD calls him dad and DS views him as a father figure definitely. Is that not enough?

It's not the same though is it. Its a basic human instinct to want to continue on our genes. Also if you were to leave him in the future he would have no parental rights with your children either.

Sorry to go off at tangent but if you died suddenly what happens to your children? Given that he's not a blood relative and you're not married, again I doubt he would be seen as having any automatic rights or responsibilities.

At the end of the day it's your body and if you don't want more children and its important to him then I think you need to let him go.

xStefx · 15/02/2017 14:56

If he is wonderful as you say he is, surely he deserves what SOME people regard as one of the main reasons for being on this earth ( pro creating) ? I had a DC for my partner, I had 2 already but I knew I just had to make him as happy as he makes me and my DC. Its not the hugest thing, having a child is one of the most natural things in the world. It just depends on how much your willing to compromise to make someone happy, if your not willing then I don't suggest you get married. Let him find someone that can make him happy. The resent that MIGHT come in a few years time i didn't want to think about but i wouldn't be without my youngest now. Sometimes you just have to consider changing your plans for the people you love.

Juveniledelinquent · 15/02/2017 14:58

It may be enough for you but what about him?

Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 15:11

OP YANBU At all for not wanting another baby.
The pregnancy, the labour, the recovery, nappies, night time, exhaustion, teething, seeming to attract every cough and cold within a 20 mile radius. The negatives seem to be never ending.
To be done with all of that BS is absolutely fine. And you should never have a baby unless it's something you 100% want.
However.
You need to realise that for him all those negatives are nothing compared to the one positive of holding his baby.
I do not envy the position you are in.
It's such a horrible place to be.
However you can't have it all and expect him to lead a life incomplete.
I have so much sympathy for you both. And your poor children.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/02/2017 15:11

I still think this is a situation of your own making. You knew he wanted children and until you were sure which way you would decide then moving in together and all that followed should have been put on hold.

How are your dc going to feel when you split over something that with a little thought been prevented.

SparklingRaspberry · 15/02/2017 15:14

Not much to add really

You should've had a serious conversation about this years ago to avoid this horrible situation.

Hope you both figure things out

Emboo19 · 15/02/2017 15:20

I really feel for you Op.

I know me and my boyfriend are going to have a similar discussion going forward. Although we do have a DD together (unplanned) he never wanted one and doesn't want more. Yet as a only child I don't want only one! We're away at the moment and touched on the situation slightly after a few glasses of wine one night. I know we will need to discuss it properly though and I'm not looking forward to doing so.
Either one of you compromises and it's a huge compromise for either of you, or you break up! I think you need to be really open and honest with him and if another baby is a definite no for you, then he needs to know that!

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 15:30

Oliver he knew i wasnt sure when he moved in with me. My kids will be devastated if we split. I understand what people are saying and my kids maybe arent enough for him which makes me a bit sadSad he introduces them to everyone as his kids and hes more of a dad to them than theyre own fathers.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 15:30

Their sorry not theyre

OP posts:
aimzox · 15/02/2017 15:45

Hi OP. I'm going through this in reverse at the moment, and after 4 years we are splitting.
I was brought up by my step-dad, I called him Dad, he was my dad, I was (am!) his daughter, but I wasn't his - I understand totally where your partner is coming from, and I also understand how incredibly hard this is for you.
It's not that your children aren't enough for him - he obviously loves and adores them, but if they were his and you were the step parent, I'm sure you would feel the desire to have your own, too.

Having had a grown up chat with my step dad when I turned 30 he said the biggest fear was my brother and I turning around one day and saying he wasn't our dad, we never did this (and don't have contact with our biological father), but it may be that this is a very real fear for your partner, too.

I'm afraid it may well be a deal-breaker.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/02/2017 15:50

Well shouldn't you have not moved in together before you were sure.

Wallywobbles · 15/02/2017 15:51

I couldn't have another. I really could not bare it. DH would love as many as possible. We have 2 each though. Your post has posted the what if discussion. We are late 40s.

Kanewreck · 15/02/2017 15:52

What are your living arrangements? Is the house yours? Can you support your family on your own?
I'd start to think about this now, just incase you split.

Somerville · 15/02/2017 15:54

Does he have PR for your older children? Sounds like it might be good to get their relationships legally recognised beyond through your own relationship with him?

Sorry, that's a bit of an aside.

Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 15:55

OP none of us know you're OH. Everything we've written is speculation or personal experience.
He could react completely differently.
But you've got to have this very difficult conversation.
And you can't half arse it. It's got to be blunt. Will he leave if you don't have a baby?