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Original poster

He wants kids

202 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 10:40

Hello all. Im 34 and have two kids aged 15 and 8. Neither father is involved.
Ive been with a lovely man for 3 years and its fairly serious. Ive known he may want his own kids but never overly discussed it.
Last week he told me he wants us to get married and have a child fairly soon. Hes 42.
Im in shock i dont want another child and i suppose i knew this may happen but Confused

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 16/02/2017 07:30

Bottom line has to be, if I have this baby for him (and yes, plenty of people do that and it works out OK) then how would you feel if you split up?

There is every chance that you will. Sorry to be a doom mongerer, but it's true. Very, very many relationships don't last. You're only 3 years in - that said, plenty of longer term Ines breakdown too.

So - if you'd be happy with a third child after a split, do it.

But do not reduce your hours and limit your career, just because he earns more Hmm

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 16/02/2017 07:33

Thanks everyone. Its not that having my 2 was traumatic i just felt that after DD i was done with kids. Doing it on your own is hard aswell. After thinking about i would have another if it meant keeping him but id need assurances ie marriage

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 16/02/2017 07:34

Having a baby only means keeping him for now.
Doesn't guarantee anything.
Only have a baby if you'd still be pleased you had one as a single parent again.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 16/02/2017 07:37

[Sad]

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 16/02/2017 07:58

Since the house is yours, you afforded it before he came along, right? So although he's the higher earner, your wage alone is enough?

Why not sit down with him and lay all your cards on the table. You cannot go through the work of having a small baby and toddler again. Pregnancy would be hard enough. If you were to even consider it, then he would need to be the one to go part time, or to become the SAHP. How does he feel about that?

If you both decided to put the child in daycare, would he be happy doing the pick ups and drop offs, and taking all the time off for sickness? How would he make that work?

You would need to cut back on things, to afford it, what would he suggest?

Really go through all the practicalities and be firm that your career cannot take the back seat again.

But don't have a baby to keep him. That's not a reason to bring a child into the world. Remember that they are a person in this too. Your resentment towards the baby and your dp could result in a breakup anyway.

Don't have the conversation above unless you would have a child under those circumstances, that would be unfair.

I know I couldn't go through pregnancy again.

Be honest. Be clear. Don't do something you don't want to for all the wrong reasons.

Mix56 · 16/02/2017 08:11

I had some more thoughts.
if you give him PR with (or even without) a baby & get married, it doesn't mean at some time in the future he won't leave & have a baby with an OW who wants one, it happens all the time.
This would leave you with 3 kids, one a lot younger than the others, & everything that goes along with it.

If you have a baby, how do you know it won't be prioritised over your DC?

but, if he is going half on everything & bringing up your family & is a great Dad, I can completely understand he may want his "own" child.

Personally I don't think you should have one to keep him

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2017 08:12

Personally I don't think you should have one to keep him

Neither do I, but you do have to accept he may go.

Msqueen33 · 16/02/2017 08:12

Have you got any friends with young children? Has he spent any time with them? I wouldn't want to give up my career to be honest would he be prepared to adjust his?

Boolovessulley · 16/02/2017 08:44

Why hasn't he had a child ?

I don't mean to be rude, but I bet it's no coincidence that he found himself a younger woman, after all a woman his own age would be unlikely to either want or be able to have a child.

Do not fool yourself that he will stay with you for ever if you have a child together.

For goodness sake both of your kids dads have left.

Take a look on the relationship boards here, look at the reAl statistics, look around the playground.

There are thousands and thousands of 'broken' homes.

You are just as likely to be one of them.

Over 30% of nrp pay nothong towards the upkeep of their children and probably don't see them either.

These statistics are rising.

Listen to what everyone is saying, do not have another child just to keep this man and play happy families.
If he wanted a child then why has he left it until he is 44? Was he not prepared to forsake his career ?

Of course he might not have met the right person or maybe his previous partners told him he would have to step up to the plate and he wasn't prepared to do that.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2017 08:56

Boolovessulley That is judgemental and unfair tbh.

You have no idea about his previous relationships etc.

He has every right to want his own DC.

daydreamnation · 16/02/2017 09:12

wiggle who does that? I certainly would my dh has been in my dcs lives for almost their entire childhoods, he's been the other constant in their lives and if we were to split, I would absolutely want him in their lives still. I have friends who's partners aren't half the parent that my dh is, yet I'm guessing you'd fully agree with them having regular contact with any dcs post marriage breakdown?
My dc have a father but both would describe my dh as the one who has been a Dad to them.
Sorry for the hijack op!

SleepFreeZone · 16/02/2017 09:19

Why not get on with planning a wedding and put the baby idea on hold. With any luck if you can stretch it out a few years you won't be able to have any more kids anyway

BubbleWrapQueen · 16/02/2017 09:32

@sleepfreezone is that a joke?!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2017 09:42

Why not get on with planning a wedding and put the baby idea on hold. With any luck if you can stretch it out a few years you won't be able to have any more kids anyway

Wow. How wrong can you be Shock

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 16/02/2017 09:46

Hes had LTR in the past it just never happened. In terms of marriage i would be happy to go to a Registery office and have a small do. We could survive on my wage but it would be tight and put alot of pressure on me. He will be active with the baby im sure as he is with my kids

OP posts:
Mittensonastring · 16/02/2017 09:51

My friend agreed to a child he didn't want he is now in the most unhappy marriage ever and she is pressurising him to have another.

Have a discussion tell him you are sure you want no more dc, it may end it may not. If you carry on talking it may survive but only with total honesty.

Boolovessulley · 16/02/2017 10:04

Piglet- why is it judgemental and unfair?
I have asked the op a question, why has he left it until now to think of having his own child, what is wrong with asking that?
Surely in a relationship adults discuss whether they want children.
If I were in the ops shoes I would have told him that I don't want anymore children and discussed the issue with him long before now.
I knew from the off that my partner does not want a child and neither do I.

I think it is a mistake to meander along avoiding such important issues.
I'm well aware that this doesn't help the op.

Fwiw I have a friend I a similar position. Except she told her partner from the off that she would not be having any more children.
I put the same question to her , why has he left it so late ( he is you get than the ops partner).
I also pointed out that presumably he would have to stop working the long unsociable hours he does otherwise she would be left alone caring for the child.

The op knows how hard it can be , I don't think her partner does.

Ellisandra · 16/02/2017 11:13

You do not have to "survive" on your wage.

You take the minimum mat leave (or more if you want it - isn't it quite good for 6 months in NHS?)
Then you do shared leave - and he has paternity leave from his job, paid.

Then he either goes back full time or puts in a flexible working request which his employer is legally bound to consider.

Just like any other couple.

Just don't compromise your career and earnings by default, just because you're currently the lower earner. My friend's wife... "just" a band 5 nurse when he met her, the lower earner of them. Now heads up the nursing service for an NHS Trust. And it wasn't obvious she was on a trajectory like that - it took one very good manager to basically force her into doing a masters when he saw so much potential in her that she didn't see herself. She far out earns my friend now.

Plus - she likes her job! It's OK to say "yeah, I earn less - but I still don't want to stop working for a baby".

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 16/02/2017 11:46

Ellis if we had a baby i might want to go PT as i couldnt with my kids when they were small. Iwouldnt know how i would feel. He would make a great dad.

OP posts:
PowerPantsRule · 16/02/2017 12:27

Could you afford childcare for the first two years? That is the real grind of parenthood imo. It's a shame he could not go part time and take the role of SAHF.

Surreyblah · 16/02/2017 12:38

You seem confident he'd be an "active" parent, but doesn't sound like you've had the practical conversations a PP describes. does he have actual experience with babies and toddlers? A secure job? Would he go PT, take parental leave?

If he SAH and you worked you likely wouldn't get custody of DC3 in the event of a break up. I wouldn't want to risk that.

BToperator · 16/02/2017 12:43

It is a tough one OP. I feel for you, and your DP. That said, as the thread goes on, it does sound a little like you are talking yourself round to the idea of having another baby?

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 16/02/2017 13:07

We could afford childcare. He has nieces and nephews hes spent alot of time with. He has a secure job that wouldnt allow him to go PT. He could be flexible though.

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 16/02/2017 13:11

Really think you need to focus on the impact on your current children first.

You've had good advice from pp on Parental Responsibility. Maybe only appropriate for your younger child. Do remember if you were to split your DP would retain PR, would you want that.

At 15 your eldest is at a critical stage in his education. Does he have any idea as to what he wants to do post 16 yet, might he want to go to uni. Is the next few years the right time to go PT and reduce your income, would your DP be happy to financially support your eldest post 18.

Do you have a spare bedroom in your current house, could your 2 DCs retain their own space if you have a baby. Or would you need to move, is that an upheaval you'd want for your eldest at his age.

Large age gaps. May your DP end up wanting a second playmate sibling for a new baby.

Do seek legal advice regarding your house before considering marriage.

None of my advice particularly romantic but you have your 2 DCs to put first.

callmeadoctor · 16/02/2017 13:19

You do have a few choices, ( leave your existing children out of the equation for the mo as it obviously ISNT the same for him although you think it should be). A traumatic delivery can be completely avoided if you decide, you can insist on a planned c section (I have had 2, they are wonderful). You don't have to breast feed, whatsoever (you said you would dread birth and breast-feeding). You don't have to lose out on work, it certainly sounds like you can afford for baby to go in full-time nursery. It is all doable, and if it was me and I loved partner as much as you do, I would certainly consider the wider picture.