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Original poster

He wants kids

202 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 10:40

Hello all. Im 34 and have two kids aged 15 and 8. Neither father is involved.
Ive been with a lovely man for 3 years and its fairly serious. Ive known he may want his own kids but never overly discussed it.
Last week he told me he wants us to get married and have a child fairly soon. Hes 42.
Im in shock i dont want another child and i suppose i knew this may happen but Confused

OP posts:
BubbleWrapQueen · 15/02/2017 16:01

I am adament I don't want another. So is DP. It's something we have discussed several times since we got together 3.5 years ago, as being 34 and 39 we need to make sure neither have changed their mind. I'm surprised that this conversation hasnt come up again for you? When did you go from not sure to definitely not? Why did you not talk to him about it then?

Msqueen33 · 15/02/2017 16:15

I don't think this is just down to op. Her dp could have stopped it at any point if he felt children were so important. I feel the baby work generally falls to the woman. Even though so many men are hands on we go through pregnancy, birth and take the maternity leave and are expected to drop everything when the kids are sick. I don't know whether your dp would consider doing the role that normally falls to the woman. I think you need a very frank talk about this. I can see resentmeant from both parties could be an issue.

ShatnersWig · 15/02/2017 16:17

I believe that if one person in a relationship has children, then a new partner shouldn't move in unless the kids discussion has taken place and both are probably on the same page. Not sure doesn't really cut it. It may be honest, but its unfair on the existing children for them to potentially get used to a new parent who then disappears. Different if no children already in the mix or someone genuinely changes their mind.

Unfortunately, you are where you are. You must have the very serious conversation now. Not later, now. He may not have the fertility issues that a woman has, but if it's a dealbreaker, the sooner it all comes out the better for everyone but especially your children. You must absolutely be totally honest with him and if it is a dealbreaker, you must let him go and make it as amicable as possible for him and your children.

cooldarkroom · 15/02/2017 16:31

What if he took over the SAHF role ? would he be up for it ?
Maybe this is the way to discuss it.
The night feed, the doctor, the school meetings, the endless meals....

Ellisandra · 15/02/2017 16:38

Please get over this "why aren't my kids enough for him" thing - that's really unfair on him.

You're very clear you don't want any more - so tell him that, and let him decide.

FaithLoveandHope · 15/02/2017 16:45

I agree with Ellisandra you're being really unfair re your kids not being enough. I love my stepdaughter but she's not biologically mine. I haven't experienced trying for a baby, holding my baby for the first time, being around for all of her firsts. It's not the same at all being a step parent even if you refer to them as your children. I'd be gutted if DP said he'd changed his mind about wanting another child and it would be a deal breaker for me. You really need to have a very serious and honest discussion with him and prepare for the very real possibility of being single.

I do agree with those who've said you should never have let it get this far.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2017 16:56

' My kids will be devastated if we split. I understand what people are saying and my kids maybe arent enough for him which makes me a bit sadsad he introduces them to everyone as his kids and hes more of a dad to them than theyre own fathers.'

You were both very unfair to have moved in without hashing this out first. VERY unfair on your kids. He's entitled to want his own biological children (I certainly wanted my own and step children wouldn't cut it) and you're entitled to not want any more. What you're not entitled to do is dictate to the other and even plead, try to persuade or otherwise manipulate the other to your point of view.

You need to let this man go. And next time, don't bring a person into your children's lives to this extent unless you've both done a lot of talking about any future children, or not.

Iris1 · 15/02/2017 16:58

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on you here OP.
You obviously love this man and want to build your life with him but no way should that mean having a baby if you don't want one. Children shouldn't be planned unless you absolutely want them, I totally disagree with the posters telling you to compromise and have a baby for him.
He's clearly been a wonderful father figure to your kids but that doesn't mean you owe him anything. Nobody has rights over your reproduction no matter what.
Its a really tough situation and I completely for you both but I think the only thing you can do is lay all cards on the table and see what he does. Maybe you can suggest he adopts your children that way he always has them in his life no matter what xxxx

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 16:58

There wasnt a point when i changed my mind its just when we were talking i realised i dont want another one. He couldnt be SAHF as he earns more so it would be me who would go part time. Its my house we have joint finances and we were looking at getting him put on mortgage if/when we marry. He takes DD to and from school, swimming , to her dance classes. If it ends ill be gutted for herSad so if i have to have a baby to keep him i will

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 15/02/2017 17:00

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant with my newly second husbands baby. I have a DD who is nearly 17. I was always adamant that I would never have another baby, but after much agonising decided to go for it. DH never issued an ultimatum and said he only ever wanted a baby with me, but in the end I loved him so much I couldnt deny him his own child as he would be a great father, and the thought being without him was heartbreaking.
Not going to lie I went through a whole range of emotions when I found out I was pregnant but now am really excited and it has made our relationship even more special. Change is scary but sometimes its good to take a leap of faith.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2017 17:01

Why do you have to go PT? That would be even more foolish as you are not married. You seem bent on digging a bigger hole for the lot of you.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 17:03

If i had a baby expat hopefully we would be married and id go PT as my job would allow it

OP posts:
Punksparkle · 15/02/2017 17:12

Sorry, no. I am in the reverse situation. I married a man 10 years older than me who had a vasectomy before we met. He has two children who moved in with us despite this not being agreed before I sold my house and packed my job in. I am afraid he would never discuss having any more children and I resent it. Although I love him, I resent the fact he took my opportunity to have children away from me. I would not do the same thing given my time over again. If you do not want anymore children, that is fair enough, but don't take your mans choice from him. Let him find another partner.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 17:15

Through this thread when have i mentioned taking his choice punk?

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 17:15

It was really unwise for him to move in and become close to your DC when this was unresolved.

Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 17:16

Punk, he didn't take your choice away: you knew the situation and chose it, and to stay in it.

NapQueen · 15/02/2017 17:16

punk he didnt take your choice. You married a man who had already had a vasectomy. You chose to stay with a man who didnt want more kids. You could have not married him. You could have left him.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/02/2017 17:21

I just dont want another and dont want to have to have one to keep him

Then you have to accept that this may be a deal breaker for him.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 17:24

Then i might have to have a baby piglet

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2017 17:25

Don't have a baby you don't want just because you think it will devestate your existing DC if you separate. You've only been together three years so assuming you didn't introduce in to your DC and move in together until well into he relationship, he's only been a real part of their lives for a year or two at most, surely? Kids are adaptable - sure, they'll miss him at first but maybe you'd both be willing to have him stay in their lives? If you not wanting a baby was a deal breaker for him, they're both old enough to understand why you couldn't stay together, they're not tiny children.

Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 17:26

How would your DC feel about that?

Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 17:31

I'm sorry but Punk you married a man who had a vasectomy! I'd say that unless he hid that fact from you or told you he'd reverse it until after the marriage then you've created your own misery 100% he's completely blameless.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 17:32

Dont know how dc will feel really. Neither have ever mentioned another sibling

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 17:45

Punk with all due respect you cant compare the two situations

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 15/02/2017 17:53

OP, you said you don't want another baby but would have one to keep your partner. I think that's disgraceful. Children are not a commodity or a bargaining tool. No one should have children unless they REALLY want them. It's unfair on the child. What would you do if you had a baby and you split up three years later?

Sorry but no.