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Original poster

He wants kids

202 replies

LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 10:40

Hello all. Im 34 and have two kids aged 15 and 8. Neither father is involved.
Ive been with a lovely man for 3 years and its fairly serious. Ive known he may want his own kids but never overly discussed it.
Last week he told me he wants us to get married and have a child fairly soon. Hes 42.
Im in shock i dont want another child and i suppose i knew this may happen but Confused

OP posts:
FourToTheFloor · 15/02/2017 17:56

You've gone from not going to have another dc to having one to keep your dp in 2 pages OP Confused

My dh would like dc3, I'm pretty adamant I don't. So we won't. If you don't want another dc please don't have one, that is just crazy.

Ellisandra · 15/02/2017 17:59

Why in earth would you go part time?

You're a nurse doing well in your career and he's in your house. So you were doing just fine til 3 years ago.

So what that he earns more?

Have the baby if you want to. Then go back to work anyway. Plenty of us work full time you know - with desperately wanted children! It's how life is - and actually a choice for many.

If he wants his child to have a parent at home some of the time, he can reduce his hours. There is no law that says the lower earner reduces their hours.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 18:00

If it meant us staying together i could think about it. Its pregnancy, childbirth and BF that i dread.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 18:01

I work full time with two much wanted children

OP posts:
Jenniferb21 · 15/02/2017 18:04

Id just like to add that your comment about 3 kids to 3 dads is something I understand but if it's your 'image' etc you're worried about please don't be. Those who know you and love you will understand why that's happened and those who judge you are people you don't want in your life anyway. For acquaintances how many people would even know/ask? Probably none. Don't worry about this being an issue. If this is the main barrier I would re think it. If he'll be a brilliant dad and wants to marry you it sounds a lot to give up and your children would presumably very much miss him too. Not reason enough to have a baby with him but a good one to consider.

The pregnancy is something I dread but I'm married at 27 and DH and I both want more (we have 1 DS) 8 had HV and lost a lot of blood having him and was unwell for a while after. I know that those stages are only temp so I will get through it thinking about the excitement of having another little one. Could you?

I know someone who married a lady who assumed he would want children and he didn't as he had some already. She left him for someone who did. Very sad for him he was heartbroken. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but it's such an important thing I think it needs to be discussed at the beginning of a relationship. If things don't work out here I'm sure you will next time if you're sure you don't want more.

Good luck to you xxx

expatinscotland · 15/02/2017 18:07

You would 'hopefully' be married?! WTAF?! You two have been acting irresponsibly by not discussing things openly like adults. Now you're going to add another child to the mix and compromise yourself financially big time and you only 'hopefully' will be married?

EurusHolmesViolin · 15/02/2017 18:08

Having a baby you don't want in order to 'keep' someone is a really stupid idea. What will happen if you have one and split up anyway? The reality is that in the majority of cases the woman will be the primary carer.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2017 18:18

'What will happen if you have one and split up anyway? The reality is that in the majority of cases the woman will be the primary carer.'

This. When he decides he wants two. Most people want more than one. And then you're not married. And you jacked in your job and all those pension contributions you've not put in for having another child and going PT.

Obsessedalready · 15/02/2017 18:22

Have you thought about him officially adopting your children?

Maybe say give it a year of ttc and agree if it doesn't happen naturally then you are done (or something similar). But get married before ttc definitely!!

Also you don't have to go part time or breastfeed, babies in full time nursery and who are bottle fed are perfectly normal and fine Smile

Pregnancy and childbirth is another matter though!

Cuppaoftea · 15/02/2017 18:22

You have your two existing children to think of first, ultimately you are their sole legal parent.

If pregnancy and childbirth are risky/difficult for you healthwise Opthat is very good reason not to risk another. Or if you mean rather that you simply don't want to go back to the beginning looking at a 16+ year age gap between your eldest and a new baby then that's completely understandable too.

You have your own house and a good career, you've done a wonderful job giving your children the security they need on your own.

It's a lot to risk, take your time thinking about marriage and sharing your financial assets as well as another child.

And certainly don't have another baby simply to keep your DP. That wouldn't be fair on any of the children.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 18:44

Expat we will marry if thats what he wants but the baby issue needs to addressed.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/02/2017 18:54

It would be very foolish to have a child with this man when a) you don't want another b) you'll marry 'if that's what he wants' c) go PT at your job when you have sole financial responsibility for 2 children. Sounds like the pair of you sleepwalk/coast into serious situations because you don't communicate about very serious matters.

beepbeeprichie · 15/02/2017 18:55

You mention the word baby a lot- of course that's what you'd be having- but a child isn't a baby for long. The pregnancy and childbirth bit is over after 9 months. Don't breast feed if you "dread it". I know that in lots of ways parenting gets more difficult after the baby stage but maybe a longer term list of pros and cons might let you see whether it should the "baby" bit that's such a deal breaker for you.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 18:56

Expat he wants to marry its just when

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/02/2017 19:01

He wants his own biological child and you don't want another child. Why on Earth are you considering marrying him?!

EurusHolmesViolin · 15/02/2017 19:10

What do you mean by 'it's just when' OP? Do you want to get married too?

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 19:10

I will only marry him once weve resolved the issue expat. I want to marry him because i dont want to be with anyone else

OP posts:
Inneedofaholiday2017 · 15/02/2017 19:16

Oh my gosh you are getting a hard time op.
I would have a baby to 'keep' my partner too - if you do you end up with a lovely partner and a lovely child but a different path in life to the one you thought and if you don't you loose your partner and loose a lovely child - what's to gain from that?!

Pimmmms · 15/02/2017 19:16

Ask yourself honestly, if you spkit up, would you give him legal rights to your DC? Would you let he see him as regulalrly as courts would grant a bio dad? If the answer is no, the you have the answer to why your 2 DC are not enough for him.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 19:33

Pimms if we split I would give him rights to the kids. They would be devastated.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 15/02/2017 19:39

And just in the interests of really considering future possibilities.
What happens if he meets a childless woman whom he starts a relationship with and he decides to cut contact with his SC to start his own nuclear family?
Many women struggle to accept step children. How many could accept losing time and money on children that aren't even their partners.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 19:40

I would hope that wouldn't happen. I would if he was desperate have a baby for him.

OP posts:
EurusHolmesViolin · 15/02/2017 20:34

OP doesn't actually want a lovely baby though ineed. She's getting a hard time because most of us understand that it's a stupid idea to have a child you know you don't want as a way to hang onto someone. If DP came on here, I'd also have something to say to him about sleepwalking into this situation and conceiving a child with someone who he knew wasn't committed to the idea.

Although that raises another point OP. Are you going to tell DP you don't really want another child but you'd be having one to keep him? Because quite a lot of people think that's a bad idea, and he might be one of them. He might well think it's a better choice to separate and find someone who does want a baby with him: not is willing to if they have to, but really wants to. Or are you going to lie and pretend you've had a Damascene conversion?

Surreyblah · 15/02/2017 20:42

Marriage benefits the lower earner/the one with fewer financial assets: this might be OP's DP, not OP.

Agree with PPs that your two DC, and maintaining your good career, should be high priority here. Most teens would not want a baby sibling IMO!

Agree with the PPs who says health is important too. All being well I don't plan to have more DC, for health reasons.

Original poster
LovelyUnicorn83 · 15/02/2017 20:49

I won't lie to him. I want to hear his views again and why he wants a child. He said he wants a child but only with me no one else.
He earns more but the house is still in my name and I have a decent wage. We have a joint account.

OP posts:
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