No contact since New Year's Day. Struggling

[onmybroomstick]

Amazing Christmas together in his flat. Bought me watch, handbag, books, pjs, slippers, chocs, perfume, smellies. Spent Xmas night, Boxing Day night, the 28th and New Year's Eve together. Come home New Year's Day, not a peep since. I've had a birthday in this time, didn't even receive a happy birthday message. The day after my birthday I messaged like a crazed idiot telling him how hurt and upset I was, admittedly sent far too many messages but I lost my mind watching him read and ignore all my messages. Eventually I got one reply telling me to leave him alone, so I have. Now I am really missing him, no idea what I've done wrong. He has had form for this and did it the same time last year. I'm so confused and feel so rubbish about myself that he's treating me this way. Why wouldn't I deserve an explanation. We usually talk everyday several times. Think I'm writing here to stop me reaching out to him again, just to be rejected as I'm struggling to switch off tonight, he's taking over my head again. I wish I could just forget him yet with no answers I don't feel like I ever will..

As for your feelings of 'heart over head' that feel so strong and overwhelming, Google 'limerence' and have a look through the links that come up.

As for harsh words, he does not respect you, he doesn't even like you, and by the sounds of it is an abusive mysogynist that is doing this because he is an abuser AND WILL NEVER CHANGE, and partly because you are allowing him to.

Change your reaction to this dipshit. I agree, bag up his stuff and cut the canker out of your life. You owe it to yourself and your children.

I speak from painful experience, this will pass. It will take some time, but you have to find the lioness in you somewhere. Become unfuckwithable, draw your line and never let him cross it. I promise you will start to feel better without such a bastard in your life.

Keep on posting here, mounds of advice and experience

because his behaviour is typical and a pattern that people from outside can easily spot*

Yep. One of my talents is being able to sniff out a shithouse within minutes.

(God, that sounds so wrong)

Is there a reason why, after three years, your children are "not involved"? Because quite frankly, that would be the worst thing you could do. Someone with as many issues as this guy has would create nothing but misery in your family, and as they come first, then he has to go.

You know this though, and need to find the strength to finish it. Tell everyone - family and friends - exactly what has been happening, and let them support you and help you find the strength to let go. He is only able to treat you like this because you let him. Good luck.

It's called 'partial reinforcement'. As in the famous 1960's monkey attachment experiments. They took a new born monkey and created a model of it's mother which was rigged with electric currents.

They did one experiment where they little monkey always got a shock when he went to his mother for comfort. Eventually the monkey gave up going to it's fake parent for love.

In the second experiment, the young monkey only got electric shocks some of the time. The monkey never gave up trying - eternally bound to the inconsistent parent. Next time you think about the 'love' think about that baby monkey.

gosh I am thinking about that poor baby monkey right now

🐒 🐒

Monkeys all back together again...
No electricity at all...

My love, you know he has to remain gone from your life.

My ex used to buy me jewellery, gold and lots of it, every time he hit me or tortured me mentally.

Every piece had a memory to overcome.

In the end, when I left him, I sold it all and used the money to pay for therapy to get me stronger.

You are not fat
You are certainly not old
Any man who refers to your children as baggage gets IMMEDIATE marching orders. No exceptions.

Please block him, bin his contact details and tell your friends to slap you if you ever mention his name again, or even if they think you're thinking about him.

How's it going? Resisted temptation?

He's drilled in to me no one else will ever want me, I'm fat with too much baggage (size 10, 30, 2 children) I genuinely feel that he's right and no one will see anything appealing about me.

Haven't RDFT as when I got this far I wanted to punch something.

Ignore the fucker. Block him. Delete him. Etc. Do not let him worm his way back in.

As for the second half of the above - you know as well as anyone size 10 isn't fat, age 30 isn't old and plenty of people start new relationships where one or both parties have kids already. All the time in fact.

Chin Up OP.

Resisted all temptation. Feel really proud of myself. Everytime he pops in to my mind which is getting less to be honest I just keep reminding myself he couldn't even say happy birthday!! I do miss him at times but I know I'm so much better off without him. I don't feel like I've had a properly upset moment like I usually would tho and it scares me a little. It's as if I'm not accepting fully this has got to be the end now even when he tries to come back which I know he will. I'm a little worried that as I start to feel really strong it's gonna hit me bad and I'm going to be my usual heartbroken upset self and back to square one, does that make sense?
Everything abusive I've read is all him. I know this is not a healthy relationship or one I want to be in, trying to find my anger

Op resist all temptation you're doing amazing
This will NEVER be healthy

I feel like I'm doing too well. This is how the old me would handle a situation like this.Totally no fucks given. The me that appears around him is weak, and sad and pretty desperate, I'm waiting for this to rear it's pathetic head 🤔

Streamlined, focussed and business like about the whole charade. How would you feel if your best friend was going through this and you were observing....

Every day without contact, build your inner strength.

Then when he whistles to throw you a scrap of attention calling you to heel.
You won't hear him.

I would tell my friend, even my enemy that you don't ever let anyone make you feel this way. I have never let any man disrespect me or hurt me more than once ". Why can this man do it repeatedly and still have me wanting his approval that I'm good enough!

Simple
Because he lowers your self esteem and controls you with his abusive behaviour. He makes you believe you are lucky to have him, as no one else would want you.
It's going nowhere.

Passive Aggressive behaviour makes for a truly unhappy, miserable and lonely union. He's trained(ing) you up to expect a life of walking on eggshells and begging for crumbs - run sweetie run, you're worth more than he is capable of giving.

It's exactly how he's made me feel. We were such good friends for years before we got together I would never have expected this behaviour from him. Walking on egg shells is definitely how it is. He hasn't said a word since the 9th when he told me to leave him alone and so far I have. 10 days since I made any contact whatsoever. I am having a girly day with one of my friends Saturday, shopping, dinner and lots of wine. Forgive me if I return here in tears after one too many 🙊 determined to stick this out this time.

Post here instead of contacting him Op.
You must see this through.

Hurrah for the op. No one deserves to be treated this way you are worth so much more.

Well done. OP. Spoil yourself rotten

So as soon as the alcohol started flowing he's took over my mind. I've put on a brave face all evening when all I've wanted to do is run to him. What is wrong with me why do I feel like this, y do I want him so much. I've slept since 11 and now I'm awake and still he's all I can think of. I miss him so much tonight 😓

Keep posting here, OP. Get through tonight and everything will be clearer in the morning.

Distract yourself - watch TV, read a book, trawl mumsnet!

You're being so strong OP! Maybe keep off the booze for a week or so if it's making you feel worse (not saying you drank loads btw but if it's amplifying those feelings for you it's not going to help!). Stick a box set or something on Netflix to take your mind off!

It may not be him you miss when you have that empty feeling. After all, if you saw him now he would still be the same old arsehole you had to deal with in the past. If you saw him, it would only be a matter of time before he discarded you again, which is aimed to hurt you deeply as a form of control.

Maybe you yearn to feel at peace with yourself, and 'good inside your own skin', content.

Maybe you feel momentarily confused and think you do miss the good times with him? The 'good times' with him were always actually bad times, as fun always came hand in hand with crap times, being emotionally abused until you are less and less confident, making you feel wretched and unworthy. Those good times were never worth the very high price you had to pay.

Time to forgive yourself for making a mistake, after all many of u have done the same, and come out the other side learning from our mistakes, clearer about what we need from a relationship to be truly happy.

Thinking of you OP. Alcohol will be in play here, you've done so well just keep it up and tomorrow you will feel better

You don't need him, he certainly doesn't deserve you.