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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

211 replies

user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 09:56

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 12:55

Erm still not sure what you are going on about Curry

Where does paying his share = state minimum?

His financial share of raising his child has nothing to do with mums income it is half his responsibility.

Also what has this situation got to do with you being raped and denied birth control?

I think you need to go and have a lie down in a dark room as you are not making any sense.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 13:24

His financial share of raising his child has nothing to do with mums income it is half his responsibility.

OK, so what happens if the mother can't afford shoes, for example? Does the father just point out he's already paid his half and leave it at that?

This situation has absolutely nothing to be with me being raped and denied birth control, unless someone proposes that it's mere luck that separates those of us who have control over our reproductive destiny from those who don't.

hoddtastic · 31/12/2016 13:30

Nope- still no clue what curry's blustering on about. That's quite the leap- you try slut shaming, I point it out. You accuse me of wanting you to be raped / deported. Do you take medication and did you take some today? 😳

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:32

You are the one that mentioned rape and being denied birth control?!

You really are unhinged Curry

Dad would have the right to say he has paid his cm this month and not buy the shoes or pay for half however I would think any parent who decided they had paid enough for their child that month so refused any more would be a complete shit if they had the money.
My children have needed shoes and also had to wait until my next pay day before I could afford them. What's the problem with that?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:39

Thank god Hodd I thought I was losing the plot for a second.

Do you think Curry has an axe to grind or is confusing her threads Confused

Charlie97 · 31/12/2016 13:39

I suggest you get an STI test, not sure if the sex you had was unprotected. He's certainly was, so that's a must first! (Not read the whole thread, so sorry if already suggested).

After that....run!

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 13:51

Nope- still no clue what curry's blustering on about. That's quite the leap- you try slut shaming, I point it out. You accuse me of wanting you to be raped / deported. Do you take medication and did you take some today?

What sort of karmic retribution are you wishing upon me, then? I assumed my crime was suggesting this woman should have been more on top of her BC. Is it something more nuanced?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:55

Should the man not be on top of his BC or in your eyes is that only the women's job Hmm

Contraception fails that's a fact but if both the man AND the women protect themselves against unwanted pregnancies then it reduces the failure rate massively.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 13:57

Yes, I said that several times as well.

They're both idiots.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:59

assumed my crime was suggesting this woman should have been more on top of her BC. Is it something more nuanced?

I can only see you saying it is the women's responsibility not the mans unless you have said it in an earlier post?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 14:04

Just had a quick look and nope not once have you mentioned the man taking responsibility for his bc so you appear to be laying all the blame at the mothers door. Christ are you living in the 1950's Curry?

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 14:04

Or are you in fact a man?

TheWoodlander · 31/12/2016 14:09

Not taking sides in this argument that has developed, but Museum did write this yesterday:

Shame these two couldn't collectively sort out their birth control

So it's not true that she thinks only the woman should take charge of bc.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 14:15

Ahh must have missed that.

My apologises Curry but you do seem to be only berating the women not the man with your subsequent post.

Confusednotcom · 31/12/2016 14:43

Op you can choose a simple future without him, free to meet someone else (there will be someone else) with jo other commitments.
Or stay with him and suffer all the powerful emotions you'll feel when he has his own biological DC with someone else. If he is truly good father material he will want to be there for this baby, financially and emotionally. DC will not be (I hope) a five minute wonder to him but a lifetime commitment and infatuation.
I'm with the overwhelming majority who would say give your head a chance to have a chat with your heart and tell it to choose the option which will give you the best chance of long term happiness for you and DD i.e. Move on without him.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 14:58

My apologises Curry but you do seem to be only berating the women not the man with your subsequent post.

This is really getting a bit fuzzy but that was because of whoever said they wished some kind of karmic retribution upon me, and I am in fact a woman. I could have just as easily said 'they' but I was drawing what I thought to be the intended point.

There is more than enough blame to go around here, but of course the woman will be left holding the baby. We all know how this goes. And her financial position matters a lot to the father and by extension, his partner, for reasons I mentioned above.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 15:07

No sorry still can't understand why the mothers financial position matters to the OP.

The father will pay whatever he can afford whether that be the cm amount set by the government or more if by private arrangement. So what the mother earns does not change how much the father pays therefore her earnings are not the ops business.

Charlie97 · 31/12/2016 15:57

There is more than enough blame to go around here, but of course the woman will be left holding the baby. We all know how this goes. And her financial position matters a lot to the father and by extension, his partner, for reasons I mentioned above.

Only if she chooses to continue with the pregnancy, does not offer the baby for adoption. And she did after all have sex without contraception. So she knew the risks as did he! If she doesn't want to be "left holding the baby" she could ask the father to full time parent the child, or offer for adoption.

Boolovessulley · 31/12/2016 16:35

Where is the op?

FEJ2016 · 31/12/2016 16:47

I know a woman in this exact same situation and she was also really sad when this happened to her. Her partner has kept his word though and is a really good dad to his child, and while it's not an ideal situation families come in all shapes and sizes and if you love him you won't be able to walk away without at least giving him a chance. The world isn't black and white and the people on here being mean to you should think about giving a more measured response to someone reaching out for advice. Good luck with it xx

Idontbelievethelies · 31/12/2016 20:28

I agree with sandy and unfortunately yes the other children and the income is relevant. This child isn't going to live in a bubble, it is going to have 5 siblings and resources will be shared amongst them.

As much as it really shouldn't matter and we shouldn't judge it's a simplistic view to take. How could it be anything other than relevant? On a positive note I'd think that she's going to be an experienced mum and that would be a good thing.

Op you are upset already before the baby is born. This is going to be very hard on you. There's no magic answer to this for you, it's going to be hard either way.

user1483104950 · 31/12/2016 20:54

Why on earth would the op come back on here when all she's done is be completely slated? I feel for her to be honest......we all know how hard it is when you love someone and it's not right. We've all been there. It's easy for you all to say 'run' but it's not as easy as that when you are in the situation. If she does find the strength to stay - which I agree will be very hard and never ending - then I wish her all the best x

littledinaco · 31/12/2016 21:19

" if it gets to much i can just walk away and atleast i can say i tried."

This is your DDs life though. It doesn't seem very fair to give her a relationship with this man and possibly a lovely baby who she may become very attached to and then just walk away and say 'oh well, I tried'.

I'm sure you're a lovely mum to her but it must be very unsettling and confusing for an 8 year old to go through this. You also said you've also 'taken on' DC from other past relationships. This just doesn't seem fair on your DD having these relationships come and go out of her life.

For your DDs sake, scale the relationship right back, have some counselling yourself and if down the line you want to give the relationship a proper go then you can.

SparklyMagpie · 01/01/2017 04:12

They both love each other that much that they both jumped into bed with someone else at the first opportunity. Both as bad as each other. Nothing wrong with liking sex but if they claim to be that much in love, this would never have happened.

Sammygold · 01/01/2017 08:15

Sparkly, what a judgement pal and simplistic comment. Surely it's not so difficult to understand that sex with another person after a split can be an attempt to fill the void left behind from the end of a relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that there was no love in that relationship. People deal with breakups in different ways. Of course the man was irresponsible if he didn't use contraception. A PP mentioned that there is a need for more measured posts here. I entirely agree with that.

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