My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

[user1483090973]

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

If your relationship had been perfect you wouldn't have split up. Ditch him and RUN

I think, for some women, it seems to be a question of I woz 'ere, an acknowledgement that they had that relationship, regardless of the outcome - and a baby is tangible proof that they had something.

It's almost like 'groupies'; however fleeting, it still counts and they can say they did it.

OP's post saying that her Aunt has this same relationship is quite sad. Perhaps OP's daughter will also have the same? I would hope that OP wants better for her than that but, 'monkey see, monkey do'.

OK, completely different but it's kind of given me an idea of what my ex's girlfriend could possibly be feeling.

Not at all like yours but it's been an eye opener and everyone's responses confirm how I've felt

Me and my ex ( together pretty much 6 years) were seeing each other again and was living with me when I fell pregnant with our son. It all broke down he treated me like absolute shite during the whole 9 months and 4 weeks before I was due, I kicked him out.

I always had suspicions of him and one of his female friends but he always denied it.

I could hardly get Intouch with him when I started having pains an it took a long while to get Intouch with him when I was in labour.

Fast forward, during the first week of my son being born, back was the horrible behaviour, he held my son and argued with me and told him his " mummy was a psycho and good luck with her as a mum" I was heartbroken, I finally that day found out I was right

He claimed he had been seeing this girl 2 weeks before our son was due

It destroyed me, I've never ever been able to understand how he could shove our son second place and put her first, it explained everything and I still to this day will never know what was going on through her mind at the time

My son is 16 months now, and they are still together, despite me asking and suggesting, his girlfriend still hasn't met our son, our son has never been to ex's house ( where he shares with a friend and no doubt his girlfriend) and I have a hard time getting in touch or a response when I contact him in regards to our son, packed it up enough to know that's when he's with her

He's a good dad when he's round but that's it.

I've always wondered how his girlfriend hasn't wanted any input as if this is long lasting she'll play a part in my son's life and I want everyone to be able to be civil etc etc

Your replies and feelings have made me think about how she might be feeling or had felt and the replies definitely confirm for me that I have no idea why she walked into that relationship knowing he had a baby on the way and she's not been involved - by there own doing and I assume choices

I personally couldn't do something like this and I would certainly also tell you to run! It's a car crash waiting to happen!

Who knows what's going to happen when my ex starts having overnights..we've got 18+ years of this

Sorry completely off topic, irrelevant and doesn't help in anyway

Just interesting to read from the girlfriends side; and baby isn't even here yet

Good luck OP if you choose to stay, you're going to need all the luck you can get ! And that's when I'll really feel for your daughter, poor girl and poor baby

Ok you want to kniw how to make it work with him.

Get back together but he doesnt move back in. Moving back in when you are uncertain and your relationship is unstable is unfair on your daughter. To be fair to your daughter, Nd to put your daughter first, you should see him outside the home, without her until the baby is born and id say at least six months old and everyone knows a little better about how it is going. There is NO NEED for a boyfriend of a year to be living with you and your young daughter especially when the relationship is unstable.

Can you at least do that? Put her needs first and live separately feom this man?

Would you consider scaling back the relationship? He goes to live elsewhere, not with you. Date him, like a previous poster said, possibly for a year or two, to give him time to adjust to the huge changes that are coming.

This is his first child, so it's special, and if you love him as much as you say you do, give him the space to enjoy it and do his best for his child.

He has no idea of what having a child of his own is actually like, having his own child may change how he feels towards your daughter.

It is understandable that you don't want to walk away, as you have only just got back together. You love him. I understand that. But open your eyes. Please take on board that it doesn't have to be this complicated. This is not your only chance at a relationship, and love is not enough, trust me, it really isn't.

Good luck with your choices.

You sound very naive, with only a year together you already split up for 6 weeks so I don't know why you think your relationship is strong enough to deal with a baby with another woman. It's only going to be harder, are you ok with him being at the birth potentially, going for hours at a time to see his newborn. He can't immediately just take a baby home at yours, he will have to go to the woman's house alone. There is no way you can swan in as stepmum straight away. Can you handle all that?

Also it did make me laugh when you said he treats your daughter as his own. You have only been together a year and he could completely change with your daughter when he has his own biological child. How are you going to explain all that to your dd.

Seriously in your shoes i would leave him. There is not a man in the world special enough that i would put myself through all that as well as my child.

Turn the situation on its head.

What do you think he would do if you got pregnant to someone else while you were split up?

Would he stick around to raise someone else's baby (which is what you'll be doing, presuming as he's such a great dad, he'll be going for 50:50 residency)?

Or would he run a mile?

Glad to see hoddtastic post in a similar vein - he slept with someone else while you were apart, no idea what mumsnet rabbit hole we're down where sex=love, for many many people sex is just fun and can be romantic and a bonding experience but doesn't need to be. He had no idea that this would end up being a 6 week break rather than a permanent break up, was he supposed to lock himself away with his diary wishing she'd come back to him? Is there a time limit on this moping post-breakup before society deems it acceptable to find someone more suited to you? Both sleeping with other people while single, no one did anything wrong there.

If he didn't use contraception well then, he's a bit of an idiot to be honest, but unless he was asleep in biology class he knows how babies are made and took a known risk. It's irrelevant that he probably thought it was unlikely to happen, it did. He did so knowing the impact it would have on his life, which you weren't in at the time. If contraception failed, it happens, again not commonplace, but it's happened to me and I wouldn't change our son for the world.

The fact he is a good father figure to your daughter is a positive thing, he should be a good father to the new baby too. Are you prepared and are you preparing your daughter for his attention to soon be split? This is his own child, he's known your daughter a year at most, the relationship at this stage will be very different. That isn't to say a step-father can't grow to love a child as his own, but not this soon.

Do you trust him those hours he will be away with his ex? Do you accept Christmas, birthdays, even weekends won't ever be just 'your' family - it will be a constant reminder of him in bed with someone else?

You sound strongly like you want more children, have you considered that he may not? 2 is enough for many people (your DD who he is effectively a father to by your posts, and his baby). Even if he says he does now, splitting his time 2 ways very literally, rather than with multiple children under the same roof is hard. Finances are also important to consider.

This isn't a battle by the way, your wording of your posts makes me cringe, you are not the romance of the century, never, ever 'fight for' someone, if it is meant to be it is as easy as breathing, and you will make it work without any need for battle. If you are as in tune as you say you are your views will be largely aligned on most things, there won't be arguments or jealousy you can all just get on with loving these two children with everything you have.

Finally put your babymaking plans on hold - he needs to give this child the love it deserves, your DD needs to see she is not being replaced by a flotilla of newborns. You both need time to adjust to this new dynamic and see that it is working for everyone. You've been together no time at all, you don't need to bring any more children into this equation. Wait until his new baby is at least 2, preferably 3+ before deciding if this relationship really is as strong as you thought (and if you are still together and happy in 3 years, it is), or if it has been an uphill struggle to keep you all together and happy. I use the word happy repeatedly because we can all stay in a relationship because we don't want to 'lose' - but a truly strong relationship is one that puts a smile on your face every day, that needs no time consciously devoting to keeping it going, where you can just be.

Yy to if he would do the exact same as you if it was you having a baby by someone else

I'd be VERY surprised if he would stick around

Stepparenting is super tough, it really challenges a relationship.I think most step mum's would lookvacancy and if possible about the situation however with a new baby it will be much, much worse.
I think you there is a danger your bf needs you because he is in a mess.Be honest, where would he be if you didn't live together? What support or resources (finances, family,friends) other than you does he have?

For you daughters sake keep this a dating relationship.A counsellor won't say it's not right to go ahead, they can't tell you what you should do but people here are speaking from experience.

They are being realistic rather than pessimistic.I wish for your sake this was a good story as Ilove to hear heart warming stuff but this is likely to be a disaster.
Your daughter doesn't choose who you bring into her life.Raise the bar for her sake.
It is better to be alone.

Hate to say this, and I may get slated bit how is his relationship with the mother of his unborn child?

Once baby is here, with it being his first, he may even decide he wants to give it a go as them being a family. Have you thought there's a small chance that could also happen?

Again not trying to be harsh but it could happen

i have no moral judgement about shagging someone else in a 6 week period, some of the victorian attitudes to women's sexuality are surprising. I have met people and nailed them within a couple of hours of doing so. Sex is fun, if it's not you are doing it wrong. - It's the UNPROTECTED sex that's the problem, fortunately - as far as we know - it's only resulted in a baby and not an STD.

Not sure if this has been stated.....but....it's wholly possible the mother of his child will be making a concerted play for him once the child has arrived....can you deal with the not knowing what he's doing when he's with her. That will eat away at you.

There's something about a man who jumps into bed with someone else after splitting up with another person.
I don't think it's particularly immoral, but it didn't take him long to get over you, I bet his bed was hardly cold.
Is this the sort of man you think you deserve? I'd say you deserved better and I don't even know you.

CONDOMS CAN BREAK! I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE WAS USING ONE, NOR DOES ANYONE ELSE clutches pearls

Okay.

Say you stick together, and end up having a DC together.

So, now we have 3 DC, all sharing parents in some way (not to mention her other 4).

You want to take your two DC on holiday. But your partner can't afford to take his other child, as well. Or the mother of his baby doesn't want his child to go, because she feels it won't be fair on her other 4.

Or, say she inherits some money, and can afford to send the little one to private school. But that's not an option for your DC. But then your partner wants his DC with you to go to the same school as their siblings, so stretches himself to send them. But he can't also afford to send your DD. And maybe neither can you. And there will be less money for your household, because he is using so much to pay school fees.

These, and similar, are not unusual scenarios, in blended families.

The reason people are telling you to run, is that blended families are hard on everyone involved. If I were single, I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who had DC, unless they (including mine) were all old enough to have left home.

I wouldn't bother with him. He's complicated things too much now.

I just wanted some support

I think you just want someone to say that its all OK, it will work out

but people are old, and battle scarred on here. and have seen the kind of shit this generates- and trust me, it will generate a lot of shit.

You will not be alone without this man; you have your daughter. You will most likely feel more lonely if you stay with him because you will not figure as a priority to him. Why is that? Because when someone (you) will put up with slaps in the face of this magnitude, then they are quickly scuttled down the list of considerations.

His going to the scan hurts like hell? Get used to it. Every time for any reason, you'll get that stabbed in the heart feeling. Why on earth do you want to normalize that? Why on earth do you want to train your daughter to normalize such emotional pain?
You made great progress in getting out of the previously abusive relationship. Well done. But this relationship is going to emotionally abuse you and your daughter. Damage will be done. It is time to think with your head and not your heart.

You sound so desperate for this/a relationship that I am embarrassed for you.Seriously, this is just embarrassing. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is.

I'm meh that they had sex after the split quite soon. I would have done to - because I wanted to, or because I thought it would help me get over a break up. Whatever.

My comment is this: you say you are strong and you will walk away if it doesn't work out. Uh huh.

So, say you walk away in 2 years time.

What about your daughter's relationship with her step sibling?
You're strong, you walk away, she gets no choice in the fall out. Are you going to expect her to coo over her baby sibling on the contact days then lose that toddler from her life?

What happened the the kids you say you took on (fuck I hate that phrase!) with a previous partner? Did she treat them as step siblings? Does she see them now?

If you stay with this man, I would simply suggest that you keep his child away from your child until you are VERY sure of this relationship. It is not fair to teach her that family is disposable.

Try to make it work if you want to - but keep her OUT of it, until it does.

I agree with pp that if you are going to try and make this work do not move back in together initially. Spare your dd the upheaval of thinking he is back in her life only to go again. It will also give you a chance to see how well you will cope with the changed situation as a couple. If it looks after a year (or ideally longer since the child will not have been born long) as if you can make it work, reassess the living situation.

CONDOMS CAN BREAK! I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE WAS USING ONE, NOR DOES ANYONE ELSE clutches pearls

Yeah, I bet she's got a coil and he used a condom and they just had terribly bad luck.

We all know this poor child is going to have a pretty shit time of it. Shame these two couldn't collectively sort out their birth control and now can't see that this is precisely the scenario that abortions were invented for.

I agree with the above.

Why don't you date for a while & see how you get on?

it's the assumption that anyone who has sex with someone different is automatically a walking VD virus I am challenging.

do you want some smelling salts too Curry?

I'm really disgusted by some of the views regarding sex out of a relationship on here. The pregnancy aside, sex is fun and enjoyable, and I as far as I understand it there isn't a set period of 'mourning' after a relationship before it's permissible to have sex with someone new.

Anyway OP,
Years ago something similar happened to me. I thought I could cope with it and I couldn't. Although I never expressed them, the feelings of anguish and jealousy when my then bf had contact with the pregnant woman tore me apart. I would never put myself in that situation again, especially now that I have dc of my own and I have to be in good mental health in order to care for them.

Ending things with your bf will hurt, a lot, but it won't kill you. Him having a child with another woman might screw you up royally, especially if she wants him back as there is no way to cut her out of your lives.

If you do decide to carry on with the relationship you need to shield your dd from any possible fallout by living separately from him for a good year, until you know for sure whether you can both handle the situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's horrendously painful, but you need to be completely pragmatic about the whole thing and not let your emotions do the thinking.