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Original poster

My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

211 replies

user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 09:56

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 10:36

I appreciate all the posts and yes we are getting counselling. Its very hard for me to explain my situation when I'm trying to give everyone the full story. But i was just looking for some support and was womdering if anyone else who has had similar experience. Yes you may think I'm completely mad but like i said i wouldnt do this if i thought our relationship wasn't worth it. Because apart from the baby situation my relationship is perfect.

OP posts:
TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 30/12/2016 10:36

How long had you been together before you split up?

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 10:36

A year

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 30/12/2016 10:37

How long were you together before the split, was it weeks, months or years?

viques · 30/12/2016 10:38

So pleased he is brilliant with your poor daughter, because you and him splitting up, both of you sleeping with other people , him fathering another child..... All those little things fade into nothingness really don't they, because he is brilliant with your daughter........

He sounds like a serial baby maker. run don't walk.

Underthemoonlight · 30/12/2016 10:39

IF you had problems in your relationship and split up both of you jumping into bed with someone else this situation is just going to make the situation worse. It's different getting with a partner who already has a child but not getting with your ex who impregnated someone during a break and seeing him go through a pregnancy with someone. It's not something I could do.

memyselfandaye · 30/12/2016 10:39

x post, a year is'nt long to have him move in with you and your child, so you kick him out, he moves back in then introduces a baby?

It all sounds too much, too fast for your daughter.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 10:39

Because apart from the baby situation my relationship is perfect.

The baby is not a situation.
It will not disappear in a few months time.
It will be an emotional,time consuming and financial responsibility for at least 18 years.

I am afraid your relationship is far from perfect and you need to remove your rose tinted glasses. You need to not only look at how this baby will affect you but also how it will affect your own DD.

eyebrowsonfleek · 30/12/2016 10:40

If he's going to be a good dad, it means that your future will be influenced by his ex. For starters he would have to live nearby so that he can see his child easily. If you would want to move near your family as a result of pregnancy you wouldn't be able to do this easily if there's distance involved.
You would have to endure a few months of him visiting the baby without you in the beginning. How do you feel about that?
You might not be able to spend key days like Xmas together if he and his ex decide that he sees the child at hers or at her family's house. How would you feel if he was attending family events with his child but not you? Does his ex know about you?

I think that your feelings of jealousy are understandable. Don't think about becoming pregnant though. (I know you haven't said this but some would think this)You're very brave to do this. Personally I'd run or only consider dating him in a year or two when the baby has arrived and you can see if he's a proper 50/50 dad.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 10:40

A baby is a massive thing.

Your relationship wasn't perfect - you split up once when there was much less stress...

I think you sound like a very lovely woman...But I hope you've got lots of supportive people around you because this is going to be tough.Flowers

londonrach · 30/12/2016 10:40

Your decision op but a year is nothing. Honeymoon period. In that time you had a 6 week break. Just carefully think about this.

SemiNormal · 30/12/2016 10:40

Because apart from the baby situation my relationship is perfect. - That perfect that you split up for 6 weeks. That perfect that during those 6 weeks he had unprotected sex with a least one other woman that resulted in a pregnancy. Hmm

lifegivesyoulemons23456 · 30/12/2016 10:45

I'm currently in a similar situation and I would say DON'T DO IT! Honestly, it is SO hard. The other woman might be calling him at all hours of the night and day for different valid reasons and what can you say? Don't answer? Don't go and care for your sick child? Don't go and attend appointments? You can't. His child will become before you and it will hurt a lot.

I'm sure he's a lovely guy and you've been through a lot together but he's not the last man on earth. He has different priorities now and your relationship will be extremely different and there will not be many positives to hang onto. You can find someone else in the future - it will hurt to let go of him but it will hurt a lot more to stay with him in my opinion. I regret staying with my guy - we're working through some issues and we have a child together so it's slightly different but I can say it hurts a lot.

Sorry to be harsh but it's not a great situation to be in.

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 10:47

I'm taking all your opinions into consideration and yes some have good points which trust me my and my partner have gone over and discussed this. I just feel that only one person has had something positive to say. I feel like its all everyones saying just leave him but that would kill me even more to do that. Xx

OP posts:
TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 30/12/2016 10:47

Walk away.

A year is nothing. A year is not enough to base the rest of your life, and that of your daughter's, on.

Love...you love each other, but it's not enough. After only a year you don't have a solid enough base to deal with this.

He's no longer going to be primarily 'your partner' or 'your daughter's step dad'. He's going to BabyX's Dad. That's going to come first, or should do. He's going to put you both second, to be there for his baby (as he should) but that's going to feel very much like he's constantly putting her first. It's going to put you and likely your DD, through hell.

If you break up from him now it's going to hurt & be hard, but nothing compared to how much it's going to hurt if you stay with him. Truly.

BusterGonad · 30/12/2016 10:47

OP I think you are kidding yourself, it all sounds unworkable. You need to focus on your daughter and make a stable life for her. You've only been with him a year and he's living with you and your daughter!!! Then you kick him out and sleep with someone else! It doesn't sound like an idea upbringing for you're child and now you're happy to introduce a baby into the equation!

CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2016 10:48

I meant counselljng for YOU not couples counselling! YOU need counselling. Your relationship isnt perfect. And It will now be incredible difficult.

Arrange some counselling for yourself. Alone.

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 10:51

CalleighDoodle i am getting counselling at the moment every week. I wish i never posted this it's made me so upset. My counselor know the full story and said there is no reason it can't work just be very very difficult which i know it is and will be

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 30/12/2016 10:51

You're going to be playing third fiddle to the new baby & her, for at least 21 years. Why would you stick around?
You were only together a year & within 6 weeks of you, splitting up he had unprotected sex with an ex!
Read your post, through anyone else's eyes & you'll see what everyone else is saying.
Way too overinvested, all too soon. You have no ties, get out now

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2016 10:52

Well here might be a thread where LTB, isn't always the right answer, sigh.

You were split up for a few weeks, he got involved with someone else. Stupidly he had unprotected sex, but the relationship between you both is a good one now. So you need to work out why you feel the way you do, do you want to have a child with him? Are you insecure in terms of your relationship and see this woman as a threat?

If he is doing no more than being an involved parent, then I think you need to work through your issues in relation to this.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 10:53

OP this is going to sound harsh but where in all of this have you thought about your child?

Is her wellbeing not important?
As others have said you have left 1 abusive relationship to dive in to another and have him live with you within 12 months. Then you split for 6 weeks sleep with other people then bring him back in to your daughters home with a new baby in tow.

Can you honestly say you have your dads best interests at heart here?
Don't you think the behaviour of all the adults in her life could have a negative affect on her?

This baby will be no blood relation to her but you are expecting her to accept it in to her life and her home.
I am afraid that does not sit well with me.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 10:53

Dds not dads

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/12/2016 10:54

This will end well.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 30/12/2016 10:55

The fact that only one person has said stay & everyone else has said leave, doesn't that tell you anything?

It would be hard to leave him, I get that. I think we all do. No one is saying it's easy, just that it will be less hard than staying. I've left a relationship before where I loved him and he loved me. Our relationship as it was, was 'perfect' and lovely and he was amazing. Leaving was very, very, hard. Neither of us wanted to break up, but it was the right thing to do because of circumstances that we couldn't change. There wasn't a comprmise as there isn't in your situation. He still holds a very special place in my heart and I still love him, but it was the right thing to do.

Littlemisssugarplum88 · 30/12/2016 10:56

About 10 years ago I was in a relationship and living with a guy, we had been seeing each other about 10 months. He had a dd from a previous relationship but hadn't been aloud to see dd since birth due to ex partner.
Anyway 10 months into the relationship he randomly received a letter from his ex via a solicitor allowing him access once a week. Anyway, cut a long story short, he ended up going round there more often because they suddenly became closer again when their family unit were together. I left him and he then moved in with her. Their not together now.
I found it so hard once his dd was on the scene and I felt so left out and unwanted.
I hope you chose the right decision for you and daughter. Best of luck to you xx