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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

211 replies

user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 09:56

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2016 10:18

So why should that stop me being happy
This whole situation will stop you doing exactly that!!!
It will be like watching a car crash in slow slow motion.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 10:19

That's what I thought raccoon- but couldn't find a way to say it.

CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2016 10:21

Why did you split up to begin with? What were the issues?

Did you live together? Where did he live when you were apart?

How involved is your ex with his and your daughter?

How well laud isnyour current partner and what are his long term prospects?

Did / do you have plans for any more children?

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 10:22

The woman who is pregnant already has 5children now pregnant with her 6th. I appreciate everyones opinion. I am probably mad to stay with him but we love each other so much we're gunna do our best to make it work. I know this baby is going to be in my life forever and i know in time i will enjoy it. I've done it in previous relationship taken on ex partners child.

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 10:23

The fact she has 5 children is relevant how?

HerOtherHalf · 30/12/2016 10:23

You love him and he loves you, how sweet. Except people who love each other don't split up with each other and go banging around. I'd suggest you wait until you're both emotionally mature enough to know what love actually is before you go any further.

CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2016 10:24

how well paid is your current partner that should have been.

Also, what makes a good father to you? A good father to me is significantly present in his child's life, including difficult times. And helpful and respectful to the mother of his child. That means a girlfriend is a long way down on the priority list.

gamerchick · 30/12/2016 10:25

Do not get pregnant yourself under any circumstances. You'll be glad you didn't later on.

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 10:26

CalleighDoodle
I split uo because my previous relationship was abusive so when i got with my current partner it all got too much i wasnt used to having someone be nice and i pushed him away.
Yeah my partner is living with me then after we split he moved out.
My daughter loves my partner to pieces he treats her like his own. And the future plans were to have more kids.
But obviously thats all on hold.
I'm not excusing my partners behaviour and getting someone else pregnant but i did make it out when we split that i didnt wanna be with him. Xx

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2016 10:26

taken on ex partners child

And what happened to that child when you split up? These poor children having constant change and instability. You should not be taking on anyones child until youre in a serious longterm (that obviously means longer than a few months!) committed relationship.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 10:27

That's a good point calleigh, you had issues you weren't dealing with- now things are going to be a hell of a lot harder...

I think you're reframing this as a great love story where you stoically stand by your man. It isn't really that though is it: it's your fella about to become a father with another woman and you hanging around, getting ready to look after their child.

PlymouthMaid1 · 30/12/2016 10:27

It sounds like the Jeremy Kyle show. I am all for recovering from mistakes but this has years of stress stamped all over it.

CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2016 10:28

You need the freedom programme and some counselling about your relationship wifh your ex and what are acceptable relationship behaviours, not to get back with this man.

How long were you together before the split?

Olympiathequeen · 30/12/2016 10:28

Provided you are sure he has no feelings for this other woman then be involved with him in this child's life. Go along with him to scans, probably have it for custody days, help pay for it via CSA.

It won't be easy but there are plenty of families out there who manage a similar situation.

MouldyPeach · 30/12/2016 10:28

How will you explain the new baby suddenly in your life to your 8 year old?

namechange102 · 30/12/2016 10:28

Raccoon trying not to sound uncharitable, but is the 5 children relevant because it suggests she's irresponsible sexually? OP, not saying you meant it, but this sounds a bit like blame shifting from bf to the pregnant ex...

happypoobum · 30/12/2016 10:30

I agree with PP, I wouldn't hang about watching this play out. You can't even deal with the scans, how are you going to cope when the baby arrives and, quite rightly, becomes his priority?

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 10:30

I did wonder if that's why the OP mentioned it name Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2016 10:30

No, OP, the baby will be in HIS life forever, he/she will not be anything to do with you.

I don't know how long you were with your boyfriend but, he is an irresponsible person. The other woman also is but perhaps she wanted another child - your boyfriend allowed this to happen six weeks after splitting from you. You maintain that you love each other but I think that you and he are just whipping through relationship milestones because you think you should.

Your last post makes me wonder why you so readily accept that you take on an 'ex partners child'. How often does this happen? Are these children still in your life considering that you 'took them on'?

I think you will be trying to get pregnant yourself now, with your boyfriend, as this is a sort of competition now and you think that having a child with him will tie him to you. I think that's a big mistake.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 10:31

Ah no, I asked about the pregnant woman- op is just filling in the details/facts. Nowt wrong with that.

RockyBird · 30/12/2016 10:31

Been there, starred in that movie.

As someone who didn't take my own advice for a couple of shitty years, I say run, run as fast as you can.

user1482413972 · 30/12/2016 10:33

Love isn't everything, from experience I can say that happiness is far more important in the long term and the two are not mutually exclusive, this situation will not make you happy, eventually resentment will surface and then it will be too late, think about your future happiness not about how much you love him now

SemiNormal · 30/12/2016 10:33

Firstly run ...... to the STD clinic! I do hope you've both got yourself checked out seeing as he's had unprotected sex with at least one other woman.

Secondly DO NOT FALL PREGNANT - although I fear this is going to fall on deaf ears as you've already stated you both want children together. You do realise how fucked up it will be right? All these half siblings, step siblings all over the place - and each kid will be in a different situation and won't share the same full/half/step siblings, in my opinion it's wrong and I say this as someone who was a child with 4 step siblings, 1 full sibling and 2 half siblings.

Thirdly this will put so much strain on your relationship, too much strain. The consequences likely being that he will feel bad for seeing/paying for his child and slowly withdraw from the child or that you're arguing all the time over it and your child will be witnessing all the drama. I doubt very much that all this is going to end well or give you the happy ending you deserve.

876TaylorMade · 30/12/2016 10:33

Why do you want to be involved in someone else's pregnancy?

I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets
Its really your business.

and whether she has 10 children or none...has no bearing on the fact that she is now expecting your partners child. He obviously did not mind.

This woman and the baby will always be in your lives. If you cannot handle it now...how will you manage as the baby gets older.

Meh I'd leave...

How long have you been together?

londonrach · 30/12/2016 10:36

Op id really walk. If you stay theres alot of heartbreak coming your way. Can you trust him. That mother and baby will be in your bf life for ever now...every xmas, babys birthday etc..... take some time and think about it. The pain of a long term partner in a 6 week break finding someone and sleeping with them and then a baby would be too much for me to cope with. Id never trust him again!! Take the time this new year apart from him with your family and friends and think about it.

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