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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

211 replies

user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 09:56

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

OP posts:
TheWoodlander · 30/12/2016 10:57

The whole situation sounds like a recipe for heartache and misery.

Your relationship with this man can never be perfect, because he's having a baby with another woman. This isn't taking on step-children - this is a whole new level. You will literally be experiencing your partner going through the whole first baby thing with another woman.

What you should do is run for the hills. Almost everyone will tell you this.

What you'll probably do is get pregnant yourself - because from what you've posted, you are clearly eaten up with jealousy about what this other woman is sharing with your boyfriend.

tiej · 30/12/2016 10:57

I think the fact that you already have a child is a help in this situation. If you were childless yourself it would be more painful.

You both slept with other people on your break, how would he cope if you had become pregnant do you think?

There are far too many unknowns to hazard a guess on this one, but it's pretty obvious you intend staying with him and it might work. If it doesn't then you'll split up anyway, just further down the line.

The only advice I'd give you is not to get pregnant anytime soon, but I wish you lots of luck.

CalleighDoodle · 30/12/2016 10:58

Youre in counselling for yourself (good call)
Youre in couples counselling.
He works and will soon have a newborn that will need to stay with mum so he will be there with them both.
You will be left at home while he spends time with the baby for a good while after the birth.

A relationship shouldnt be this much work op. Of course it might work, but you wont be the priority and rightly so. You might not feel resentment, but you might. You might be able to fund buying a house as a family, holidays, classes for your own child/ren. Or he might find he is not managing financially because of other priorities.

What do YOU want from your life?
What does your DAUGHTER need atm?
Can this man aid you in reaching your goals together or will he hold you back?

The counsellor told you theres no reason this cannot work? Well no, but isnthats whats best for you and your daughter?

SuperFlyHigh · 30/12/2016 10:59

This happened to an ex close friend of mine, only she had a toddler at the time. Her ex left got another woman pregnant who had his baby then they were meeting clandestinely and shagging behind bushes. All the while he was being difficult re access and despite earning a lot himself only paid her £50 a month maintenance. He was also knocking her around before he left.

Of course the relationship with the new woman ended and then my friend got back with her ex. Her family don't know half of what I know (or are blind to it) as I'd never let a member of my family near such a charming man. Still her funeral and all that.

badvocaattasteflump · 30/12/2016 11:00

Jesus. If it would 'kill you' to leave him you really need to get some counselling. If that's your take on why you're staying with him, is there anything you wouldn't put up with?

You have an 8 year old DD. Nothing is more important than looking out for her. Put her first and move on - without him and his dramas.

namechange102 · 30/12/2016 11:00

You sound (understandably) upset and put out that only one person has had something positive to say. Honestly, a lot of ppl who post on these threads are trying to give you the benefit of their own experience, so you don't have to make the same mistakes. It would be worth taking some of the advice on board. Flowers

0dfod · 30/12/2016 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 11:04

I could be here all day going through all the ins and outs of the whole story it's very hard paoting to peole and trying to explain. I know what I'm going to do and like tiej said if it gets to much i can just walk away and atleast i can say i tried. But I'm alot stronger than people know. My daughter is and will always come first, my partner is really good with her and treats her like his own. His baby coming into our lives is going to either make or break but im not going to throw in the towel

OP posts:
MagicChicken · 30/12/2016 11:04

I'm with Calliegh
It saddens me how many children are living without having both their parents in a loving relationship in this whole mess.

neverreturnstothreads · 30/12/2016 11:04

I agree with PP - I feel very sorry for your DD in all this.

What was the timeline by the way? I would be very suspicious that the boyfriend had come running back to me once he knew a baby was on the way.................I would be worried I was a convenient fallback.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2016 11:06

OP, I missed this first off but the title of this thread... your boyfriend's EX? She's been in his life before? How very convenient for him.

They have a history - I would turn tail now before it's too late. You have a daughter, no reason why you can't have other children - but not with him, not now. I really, really, wouldn't. You don't even really know him after a year but he's already moved in, lived with you and your daughter and now - he's out and back in again. This isn't good for your daughter and that is your responsibility, not his.

I think all of the advice on this thread will fall onto your deaf ears because 'you want this too' (the scans, the baby with him). In your head it will all be beautiful, the reality not so much.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 11:06

Your choice of language 'throw in the towel', 'stick by him' 'I'm strong' says sooo much about how you see this.

And not in a good way.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 11:07

Well you have made up your mind.

Not that you care but it angers me how adults car crash through their lives dragging children along for the ride.

I hope it works out like the love story you want. MN has a step parenting topic maybe pop over there and read about the stresses and strains of being a blended family.

Good luck OP.

876TaylorMade · 30/12/2016 11:07

NOT*

why can't we edit posts!

Littlejayx · 30/12/2016 11:08

I would think your child and the new baby would be the priority in everyone's minds.

How does your other half feel?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2016 11:08

Why ask then, if you know what you're doing to do? You don't need MN validation to put your daughter last.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 30/12/2016 11:09

As others have said, this will not end well. You're already struggling & the baby isn't even here yet.
A year into a relationship should be easy, instead you split for 6 weeks & both slept with someone else-look at that fact realistically, if you really loved each other that much you wouldn't have been so quick to ne shagging someone else-unprotected in the case of your BF Hmm
Stop being so pathetic about this man & making the relationship out to be so great-put your daughter first, as you should, & think about the effect this car crash is going to have on her.

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 11:10

Thanks for all the advise. I thought posting this would help!!! Its probably made me feel worse in fact.

OP posts:
Littlemisssugarplum88 · 30/12/2016 11:11

Your title of the post says it all. And I doubt you would have posted if you weren't sure yourself xx

manhowdy · 30/12/2016 11:12

I really feel for you OP - from what you say he is essentially a good man who has made a mistake. But I tend to agree with everyone else. It sounds a big mess and you and DD are best out of it. The fact that you've asked for advice tells me you know deep down that you need to split. If my boyfriend of a year got someone else pregnant I could never go back - whether the break was 6 weeks or 6 months. He and this other lady now have a bond that can and should never be broken.

Try not to get too upset by all the comments here, everyone is posting with your best interests at the forefront of their minds I think Flowers

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 11:13

Nobody's intention is to make you feel worse but to help you see the implications of your decision.

You believe this is some wonderful love story and you will be one big happy blended family like the movies.

That is not the reality OP. You already feel resentment and the baby is not here yet.

viques · 30/12/2016 11:14

If it gets too much I can just walk away.

Provided he doesn't get you pregnant in the meantime.

you say he treats your daughter like his own. But currently he doesn't have any other children, well only the one cooking that you know about, so I wonder how having his bio child will affect him, and maybe his baby mother will also expect him to treat her other five as though they were his own. She might want him to step up to the plate, be a proper daddy, take them all to the park, do the odd bit of baby sitting, go to the school play, buy Christmas and birthday presents. Maybe not as she appears to have a casual attitude towards parenting herself, though admittedly not as casual as yours.

memyselfandaye · 30/12/2016 11:15

How can he treat your daughter like his own? He has'nt known her that long?

Presumably it was a good few months before he met her? You have only been with him a year and you're saying you are having him back but you could walk away again, that's going to be a lot of confusion for your child.

As he treats her as "his own" if or rather when it goes tits up again is he going to continue being a Father to her? Probably not.

You also need to stop with the dramatic "it will kill me to lose him" crap and put your daughter first, all of this can't be good for her.

MagicChicken · 30/12/2016 11:16

During the six weeks you were apart how many times did he come to see your DD?

eyebrowsonfleek · 30/12/2016 11:19

It sounds like your ideas about love are based on movies. It's ok to take risks like this if you were single but it's sad that the baby and your dd are being dragged through this situation. You've been with him 12 months and he "treats her like his own". Another movie-like cliche- he hasn't seen the worst and best of parenting after living with her for such as short time. Is it really possible for him to treat your daughter and his baby equally? Will you be ok with him prioritising the baby (who's his actual child) over yours (who he won't see again if you break up) ?