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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

211 replies

user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 09:56

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

OP posts:
gottariskitforabiscuit · 30/12/2016 17:14

Sorry OP I haven't read through the full thread but just wanted to say although I've not been in this exact position my situation was very similar... The father of my 3 children got another woman pregnant soon after I had our 3rd child while still in a relationship with me (albeit going through a tough time) in which resulted in the end of our nearly 15yr relationship it's very hard to accept the person you love so much has a life long commitment (ie a baby/child) with someone else & it really does hurt like hell however having said that everyone is different & some people can & do come through it for me it was too much & its taken me nearly 9 years to accept the child & in turn for my children to accept they have a sibling with a different mum (our 2nd born refuses to accept this child as his sibling its an ongoing process to try to help him accept it is what it is & it cannot change) I would advise you to follow your heart on this one but please bear in mind it is a very very hard thing to accept I wish you all the luck in the world with whichever you choose to do & Flowers for you Smile

Lightningbolt82 · 30/12/2016 17:18

ERM... .. He will have to pay for that child. Just bare that in mind. It will be like you are also contributing to his ex shag and child. Happened to me. Good luck

Hellothereitsme · 30/12/2016 19:59

Life long commitment with the child's mother. My ex h chooses to send nearly all of Xmas with us - his children from our marriage. I don't know what his GF thinks but his attitude is that his kids come first. We have 18ths /21sts, graduation, passing out parades and weddings to deal with. It is tough for everyone. The stress can lead to depression.

CheeseDreams · 30/12/2016 19:59

OP my friend was in a very similar situation, I have sent you a message

Livelovebehappy · 30/12/2016 20:48

Go with your heart OP. If you don't give the relationship a chance at least, you might always regret it in the future. If it turns out that it's not working in the months to come, then you can walk away with no regrets, and can move on. I haven't been in the exact position you are in, but I've taken someone back when the majority of friends and family warned me against it, and now a few years later, I'm very content, and know absolutely it was the right decision.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2016 21:07

This may not be a popular view .....but I do wonder why a woman with 5 kids would not take precautions with a man she just met.

OP - Do you know anything about her?
Does she work? I'm not getting a great image of her and I wouldn't want that kind of drama in my life.

And before people say it takes two ... well of course it does ... but we know who's going to be left holding the baby.

Good luck.
. ... a woman who

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/12/2016 23:14

Probably already mentioned but.....I would be insisting on a DNA test as soon as possible after the birth.

Baylisiana · 30/12/2016 23:54

Sandy
I agree.

MagicChicken · 31/12/2016 09:08

Sandy maybe her youngest is approaching school age.....

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 09:55

What has the ex working got to do with anything Confused

hoddtastic · 31/12/2016 10:49

it's the moral high ground Racoon, some mumsnetters love to be on it. They've made all the judgement, for all this bunch know she could be a widowed deputy head teacher off a hero cop- BUT SHE HAD SEX SO STONE THE BITCH TO DEATH.

JustSpeakSense · 31/12/2016 10:52

This is going to cause you so much hurt, leave him now while you can.

This man is not the person for you, you will find somebody much better.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 10:57

No one cares that this woman had a one-night stand, hoddtastic. I expect a fair few on this thread have had one at some point.

Pretty irresponsible to have a one-night stand if your birth control is not on absolute lock-down, of course. I see you're one of the people who thinks that in 2016 it's still impossible to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:06

Hodd I thought as much.

The fact she has 5 DC and another on the way is irrelevant she is now dealing with the consequences of failure/lack of birth control so is the man.
The issue here is not the ex she is pretty irrelevant it is the impact on the OP and her DD of taking back this man and taking on his baby.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 11:11

How is she irrelevant? This woman will figure heavily into the OP's life for the next several years (until the relationship inevitably implodes) should she not have the fortitude to call it quits now.

Which I truly hope she does.

galaxygirl45 · 31/12/2016 11:12

I honestly hope that you can see the very long and difficult road you have ahead of you. This other woman has other children, will probably need a lot of support from your partner and you will effectively take a back seat. They are going to have a strong bond there via this child that you won't have any part of. If you can truly handle that, then good luck to you. This will be for life, not just the length of the pregnancy. There will be emergencies and many mant times where he has put you last. Birthdays. Christmasses. School plays. Doctors appointments. Parties. Even if you go on and have children together, they too are never going to be top of the list. I take my hat off to you if you can cope with all that. I'd be running a mile in the other direction. I personally think you and your DD deserve better............

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:13

Because how many children she has and if she works or not is no concern. That is just so the OP and others can judge her and blame her.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 11:17

Because how many children she has and if she works or not is no concern

Who do you think is going to pay for this child? Her financial position is of enormous relevance to the OP.

Of course, the OP has seemingly left to the point is academic.

SheldonCRules · 31/12/2016 11:18

You love him to pieces yet the moment you hit a bump both are off sleeping with someone else. Hardly the sign of true love is it?

Now two children will get dragged into this mess purely as the adults are putting their wants first.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:19

Who do you think is going to pay for this child? Her financial position is of enormous relevance to the OP.

No it isn't. The dad will pay the same for his child regardless of whether mum as no other children or ten. He pays cm only for the child he has fathered.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 11:37

Yes, so much for any quaint notions of a mother and father determining how much it will cost to raise a child and arriving at an equitable arrangement. Just pay the state minimum.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:59

What are you talking about Curry? Confused

Where did i say he should only pay the state minimum?

I pointed out the mothers financial situation has nothing to do with the OP which it hasnt. Dad will only pay for his child not the others and he will pay his share regardless of how much mum earns.

hoddtastic · 31/12/2016 12:09

Curry's riding around the moral high-ground on her high horse.

It's threads like this that make me pray for karma to bite posters like this on the arse.

women who enjoy sex must be damned and punished. I got pregnant after a condom failed and after taking the MAP within 6 hours. So I know it does happen. Fortunately for me I was (and still am) with DH and we are happy about it.

lighten up ladies, the OW income and/or arrangements for her other children are not the OP's concern. Nor should they be used to slut shame her (because that's what you are all trying to do isn't it? If you are being honest with yourselves...)

Boolovessulley · 31/12/2016 12:09

Op have you spoken to your auntie about how she coped with the situation?

I haven't been in your position.
I do know of s couple but they were married for more than 20 years with their own child.
He left her ( for quite a long time- not weeks but a year).
They decided to get back together but unfortunately he had met dobro s else and got her pregnant.
His wife tried to accept it but couldn't.
She loved him and had been with him and only him for all her adult life.

She couldn't cope with the new baby.

They are not together.
He is not with the mother of the child.
He has a new relationship , been together longer than you have BUT they are under huge stress fue entirely to him having a young child with this other woman.

I hope this makes sense,

You are asking from advice from others who hVe been in the same position as you.
The fact that no one is giving it speaks volumes.

Nobody else could tolerate this.

Love does not conquer all trust me.

Ask any divorce lawyer.
That's if you could get through to one as the following weeks are their busiest time, as thousands of women and men seek to divorce their ohs.

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2016 12:28

I pointed out the mothers financial situation has nothing to do with the OP which it hasnt. Dad will only pay for his child not the others and he will pay his share regardless of how much mum earns.

Paying the same amount regardless of how much the mother earns = state minimum.

It's threads like this that make me pray for karma to bite posters like this on the arse.

How funny! Do you want me to get accidentally pregnant by... my husband? Or do you want him to leave me, and me have a one-night stand and get accidentally pregnant?

It is impossible for me to land in such an untidy arrangement, unless you want to forcibly ship me to a country where I could be raped and denied birth control (?).