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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My bf's ex is having his first child..help!!!

211 replies

user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 09:56

Cut a long story short, i split up with bf for 6weeks i had some issues i wasn't dealing with. Anyway i regretted finishing it and after a long chat we still loved each other. My bf did say he dated someone else. Anyway all going fine got back together then bomb shell...the women he slept with is pregnant. Obviously it was a shock all around but my partner said he'd step up to the plate and be a good dad.
I said I'll stick by him even though it really f**king hurts and will be hard.
I love my partner to pieces and wouldnt do this if i didn't.
I want to know whats going on e.g scans ets but when he does it upsets me so much cos i want that.
Can anyone help with advise or just anything cos my heads all over the place.
Thanks you xxx

OP posts:
mummydawn07 · 30/12/2016 11:25

I personally don't think I could continue if I were you and I would leave and move on.. but I am not you!! so if you feel like you can really make this work with him then you need to be prepared for the bond it will create between him and the mother of his baby it's their first baby together and that is a special experience so he will be spending a lot of time with her ( midwife appointments etc and when the baby is born ) also have you met her? if she is easy going and you get on it will make It easier, is she happy for you to be involved? would be good if she had a partner of her own.. it's a difficult situation to be in, you need to weigh things up the pros and cons and if you can deal with the feelings that will come with all of it! you don't want to be feeling like you are on the outside looking in at you OH and baby mother sharing these special experiences.

mummydawn07 · 30/12/2016 11:28

TheWoodlander I have just posted, but I have only just started reading all posts on here, but I completely agree with what you have said

Alligatorpie · 30/12/2016 11:29

Years ago I babysat for a family of 3 kids (under 6). The dad had an affair and the OW got pregnant. The mum kicked him out, but eventually took him back (she was a sahm, his family owned several businesses and were quite well known). It was awful to go to their house and see baby pictures of the little boy on the mantlepiece. The mum finally kicked him out for good, but it was a horrible situation.
Why would you put your dd through this?

TheWoodlander · 30/12/2016 11:31

Not that you care but it angers me how adults car crash through their lives dragging children along for the ride.

Yes.

Think really carefully OP - and I know this thread has upset you, but I think you might need to read it a few more times, rather than digging your heels in and saying "but I love him! I do! We love each other!" It's not enough - you need stability and maturity - and you're going to need to be far more buoyant emotionally than you are now, when even the thought of the scans are upsetting you.

People aren't just going to post "aw, if you love each other, it'll all be ok in the end" - because its not true.

Benedikte2 · 30/12/2016 11:35

OP you may know your DP and with hard work may consider you can make your relationship work but you have to factor in the OW. She may want more support from your DP than you are willing to let her have. She may make demands on him any time of the day or night and he may be afraid she will cut contact if he does not comply.
This sounds like a scenario for the Jeremy Kyle Show.
It's really unfortunate you've been put in this position

hoddtastic · 30/12/2016 11:37

it never ceases to amaze me what women will accept from men in order to not be single. Your poor DD doesn't deserve this saga. He is no prize to 'fight' over or to win, you sound young/immature and really ought to be focused on what is best for your child, not some bloke you've known a year, split up with once, then he went back to his ex and her 5 kids (cos you'd booted him out and he had no place else to go I assume?) Got her knocked up, back to you who's smoothed down the sheets and is now wading into some battle / soap opera. Poor kid.

MuseumOfCurry · 30/12/2016 11:37

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

RUN.

Why go borrowing trouble? Seriously, keep your romantic life tidy.

diddl · 30/12/2016 11:37

" if it gets to much i can just walk away and atleast i can say i tried."

Tried for what?

He's just a boyfriend of a year.

It shouldn't be so difficult!

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 30/12/2016 11:38

This post has only made you feel worse because until now you'd been in a daft little bubble, treating the whole situation as a trial of your love for this prince amongst men, and you've not been looking at the reality.
Let's be honest. You lasted a year with this man before you broke up with him due to unresolved issues (whatever that is), you were apart for 6 weeks (clearly missing each other terribly as you both fucked other people) and you are now back together. Do you really think you'll be able to stick it out with a new baby that isn't yours? Maybe you think you're being strong but imo a strong person would realise life could be so much better and easier and just walk away.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/12/2016 11:38

get rid. there are many other lovely men out there.

please free him up to focus on being a dad and find someone who doesn't impregnate someone else within a Nano second

I bet you wont though Sad

MuseumOfCurry · 30/12/2016 11:39

I've just worked out that you have an 8 year old. Even more reason to run. How exactly will you explain this baby to her?

In the kindest way possible, I urge you to have some standards.

PlumsGalore · 30/12/2016 11:43

Oh! what a tangled web we weave.

This is taking a blended family to a whole new level. Walk away, then you have only lost a year of your life. You owe it to your daughter to bring some stability and normality to her life.

Cricrichan · 30/12/2016 11:44

Leave him. You two aren't right for each other if you were both so quick to bed other people. And without a condom and gotten a girl pregnant. I don't think you love each other anywhere near enough to go through the whole hastle and heartache that another woman going through pregnancy, birth and babyhood, toddlerhood with your boyfriend will result in.

Original poster
user1483090973 · 30/12/2016 11:52

Im not young or immature. You do not know me. Trust me i would give my life for my daughter and she does come first before me. I probably haven't posted this very well. And to be made out that i am put my partner before my daugher is quite upset. All i was looking for is for some advise with people who have been in the same position and are still together. My aunty has done it herself and there still happily married with 2 children of there own. I just wanted some support that was all not to be judge on my parenting or made out im some child

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 30/12/2016 11:53

Have you thought that maybe there's a reason not many other people are in this fucked up situation?

hoddtastic · 30/12/2016 11:53

i have no moral judgement about shagging someone else in a 6 week period, some of the victorian attitudes to women's sexuality are surprising. I have met people and nailed them within a couple of hours of doing so. Sex is fun, if it's not you are doing it wrong.

hoddtastic · 30/12/2016 11:56

you do sound young OP as when you get a bit older/more life experience you'll work out that life doesn't have to have all the drama.

Your life is FULL of it- why add more? You can walk away, it's not your circus, they aren't your monkeys. If you think this is what a brilliant step dad relationship is for your daughter I really do feel sorry for you all. Such low expectations of what constitutes healthy relationships, you've already picked an ass hole once before, don't do it again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2016 11:56

How would that help? Another couple would not be the same, however similar. What you're looking for is validation of your poor decision that is most certainly not putting your daughter first. Nobody here is going to validate you for that.

Crack on though.

MagicChicken · 30/12/2016 11:59

user in the time you were apart how many times did he visit to see your daughter? Does she call him Daddy and how long had he been living with you for before you broke up for six weeks? Where did he go? And is he back living with you again now? How long ago was the six week split?

hoddtastic · 30/12/2016 11:59

i reckon she's going to anyway, LyingWitch.

RacoonBandit · 30/12/2016 12:08

But user there are clearly so few people who have positive outcomes to these situations that is why you cannot find the responses you want. Does that not tell you anything?

Yes judgements on prioritizing your child have been made because nowhere in this car crash do you appear to be thinking of her. That is not posters fault.

Lillygolightly · 30/12/2016 12:15

I understand that you want to make it work and I can totally understand wanting to fight and hold on to this relationship OP.

Some things to consider for yourself, as right now you are thinking in purely terms of you and him but you really need to be a little selfish and just have a little think about you!

What his relationship like with OW? She was ex, do they have history, were they close, or did he just sleep with her a few times?

Did he leave OW to get back with you? How does OW feel about you? Does she know about you? Is she likely to be bitter about you and you relationship or is she amicable about it all?

How far along is OW? How involved does she was your DP to be in this pregnancy/child? How involved does he want to be? Will OW be ok with you being involved with this baby? If your involved with baby then that means your DD will be involved with baby, how do you think she will feel and how will it affect and impact her life?

Really think long term, not just about when the baby is born but way past that to when child is 7/10/15 and comes with his or her own feelings and wants dad at school play/parents eve/pay for driving lessons/help with uni fee's/first house/wedding etc all these things WILL have and impact and you, your DD and your relationship.

Right now your thinking immediate future like how your going to be upset when he goes off to a scan or when he's out in the dead of night attending the birth of his child. Your going to have to watch him being excited about becoming a first time dad with a baby that's not yours. Your going to have to sit patiently on the sidelines until the mother feels comfortable with you being involved with this baby/child, be prepared for a long wait. Be prepared to sit at home while he attends birthdays, christening etc, be prepared to share him at Xmas, Easter, Father's Day and any other significant dates or occasions. This is the reality of what you will be dealing with and whilst it's good you want to try and make it work but if thinking about it is hard, actually doing it will be much much harder that you can even anticipate.

Good luck!

MagicChicken · 30/12/2016 12:23

I think people are getting the wrong idea about his 'ex' aren't they? I think by 'ex' the OP just means she's a woman he had a brief fling with while they were apart fro six weeks. Unless I've missed something I don't think she's said anything to imply he went back to an existing ex when they had their split.

MuseumOfCurry · 30/12/2016 12:31

OP bluntly, you are derelict in your duties by allowing your daughter to participate in this debacle.

Can't you take a step back and see that this situation is doomed to failure? The kind of stress you'd be willingly walking into could break a rock-solid, long-term marriage. You've been together a year. Just walk away.

TheWoodlander · 30/12/2016 12:40

The kind of stress you'd be willingly walking into could break a rock-solid, long-term marriage.

This is very true. I was just thinking about my own marriage (stable, together 20 years, 3dc together) and wondering how I could watch my husband support another woman, having his child, through pregnancy. Answer is, I just couldn't.

There's something else going on here, OP. You're clinging to this man, to this fantasy of the ideal, perfect relationship you have - if only it weren't for this other woman having his baby.

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