Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

[MemorySoup]

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

Stop texting is the answer as you know. How many texts did you send exactly? He may just be busy, but don't think that's the go ahead to text more,,,😳

Go out and leave your phone at home.

I think all you can do is delete his number and let him come to you. I know what you are going through and I even on both sides and yep it's not attractive to have someone demanding messages from you. It does make you feel they have no life and does put you off even if you previously liked them.

What worked for me in the end was Amerucsn style dating where I had three or four on simmer until I ended up choosing DP. It was pretty exciting, they knew about each other and had the opportunity to walk away if they didn't like the lack of eclusivity. It sure beat waiting around for texts and with online dating now it's really easy to just meet up with people for drinks and maybe a film and keep busy basically.

Oh I don't know Bluntness, we messaged back & forth for about 9 or 10 messages I guess, he kind of just shut the 'conversation' down with last message being 'OK'. I then sent an apology as felt I'd been too 'intense'.

It's probably all in my head but I hate this feeling os not being sure if I've upset someone and wanting to make it better, while simultaneously knowing that the worst thing I can do (to make it better) is contact again!

Can you say what the messages said as it might not be as bad as you think in your panic?

Thanks all, I hope I haven't ruined everything with one night of neediness. If I wasn't needy until then is there still hope so you think.

I don't want to delete number but promise I will not text!

Good idea to go out and leave phone Dolly, but rely on it for WiFi, directions etc.

Turn the phone off! And when you switch it back on again tell everyone you've switched to a messaging site that allows you to delete messages after sending them.

Well it doesn't sound too bad, I think it's rescuable, but you need to not text now, let him come to you, even if it takes a few days.

Carrots, it was just expressing disappointment with not being contacted and asking 'what do you want' type questions.

He is coming on quite strong in sexual dept and I don't want just a sexual fling, so was intimating that I didn't want just that. While feeling like a complete hypocrite given what we'd done earlier in the day. I fear I am in danger of being a booty call as I am weak, frustrated and fancy him a lot.

I need MN to keep me strong.

I know what you mean about wanting to text to rectify the situation, but knowing further contact will make it worse, not better...but still wanting to apologise it sort it out...arghhh

I think you just need to leave it though.

Maybe text tomorrow with a brief, cheerful text and suggest meeting up. In the meantime go out or clean the loft out 😁

Thanks Bluntness, and play it fairly cool when he gets in touch right?

I am so out of practice at all this stuff.

KeptonRaining - good suggestions thanks. What would you classify as a brief cheerful text? I need ideas & guidance (clearly).

I would just wait to hear from him tbh, and sit on your hands.

Leave it. You are appearing very needy texting him to say you are disappointed he didn't contact you! Don't send a bright text. Don't send any text, the ball is in his court. Find someone else to text like a friend.

How long should I wait for him to contact me before giving up & moving on? (assuming the worst and I don't hear anything)?

I know he is going away with his mates in a few days time and and he also knows I am going away... so would be disappointed not to get a 'bon voyage' or 'how is the trip going' type of message from him.

Mouldy - I know I am - I am trying to recover my needy-fest. I can see now it was a total car crash but what's done is done. Thank you for advice.

memorySoup I could have written your post! I'm in exactly the same situation and really down on myself because this is the second man in 4 months who has done this- and we didn't get further than a snog!!! Xx like you I think I must come across as very needy and intense and I can see that I do ! It's because I have few friends and no social life so I grasp onto someone wanting to get to know me like a lifeline in the vain hope they will brighten my life .

When are you going away? When is he?

How many times have you seen him OP, how long have you been dating?

Blobby - I spent a lot of time after this debacle last night reading up on self esteem online on therapy sites and how we feel like we are not worthwhile without other people validating us. It totally applies to me... but only when I am seeing someone! When I am on my own, I am strong, confident, enjoy my life. When I meet someone, it becomes all about them and how they 'approve' me. It's so sad and I don't want to be alone, but I feel I am only attractive when I am alone, and then when I meet someone who likes the 'alone' version of me, I have a personality change.

I am trying to focus on doing things that make me happy:
-getting some bargains in the sales
-running
-going to the gym
-revamping my make up
-cleaning and decluttering
-calling friends I have not seen for a while and having a coffee and listening to THEM

Hope we can support each other through this.

Something like 'Hi, how are you? Would you like to come over/go out for dinner on Friday before we both go away? Xx'

He is going away 1 Jan for a week, I am going away 5th for a week.

Been seeing each other for a few weeks but knew each other for months before that.

Did you meet through online dating?

Thanks KeptonRaining, that sounds good.

I dunno though: trouble is if he ignores it I will feel even worse than I do now. I have learnt from bitter experience in the past that it is sometimes best to step away from the texting altogether.

I don't think you should text again, ever, unless he initiates contact with you.

I was like this when I was single and it is awful and very difficult to control. I easily ruined 3 relationships with too strong / frequent texting early on.

When it happened the last time I read he is just not that into you over and over again. It passed much quicker and he is the only one I am not embaressed to see out and about now.

Be kind to yourself but please resist the urge to text him again. If, hopefully when, he texts you then stop yourself from doing the stuff you did last night and just let the relationship develop at its own pace - don't try to force it with sex too soon or too many texts.

If he doesn't, distract yourself. Ps you can go out without wifi and map. Go meet a
Friend somewhere you know and leave the phone home.

Wishing you the best.