Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

284 replies

MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 11:55

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
onedayimightforget · 29/12/2016 12:59

Don't text him. Instead, write the text message here in this thread and we will respond with all possible scenarios. Which may in fact be no response but it would be worse go get no response from him than from MN. Use MN as an outlet.

LotsoNumbers · 29/12/2016 13:00

You can't be anything other than what you are, no, but if someone was texting me like that after a few weeks I'd run a mile.

Conversely if I had had sex with someone and they didn't message me after I would be annoyed and over thinking it to the nah degree....I just wouldn't text them about it

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2016 13:03

Do not text him and invite him over, simply do not text now. If he wants to see you he will reach out to you, if he does then respond in a bright and cheery , short , manner, something like " all brilliant, excited about hols, how about you" . Let him ask to see you. Don't suggest it to him.

If he doesn't text you before hols, or by the time youre back, then consider it over. You can see other people on hols as you've not defined an exclusive relationship yet.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 13:06

Lotso, well I'm glad I have a right to feel annoyed at least. In hindsight I shouldn't have said so, you are so right!

If I was going to send a message (I'm not) then for MN-reaction-purposes I would probably in a few days say something like - 'Morning - hope you have a great time in ......, look forward to catching up soon x'

The reason why I'm not going to do this, as wise PP have pointed out, is if I didn't hear anything I would feel worse than I do already.

OP posts:
MVF1 · 29/12/2016 13:18

If a man wants you he will contact you. Don't text at all. Try and work on your insecurity and self esteem. It's a very unattractive trait in both men and women.

Lonelyatxmas · 29/12/2016 13:19

Let him ask to see you. Don't suggest it to him

If he doesn't text you before hols, or by the time youre back, then consider it over.

I hate this kind of game playing. Why should the OP have to follow his lead? Jump when he says jump?

And if he wants to end the relationship then he should have the decency to say so. Just not getting in touch is so cowardly.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 13:28

lonelyatxmas - what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Lonelyatxmas · 29/12/2016 13:30

I'm actually in a really similar situation memory

When was the last text and what did it say?

Oh, and just out of curiosity, did he text you happy Xmas?!

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 13:38

lonely: I had a text on Christmas eve which I thought was slightly bizarre, maybe he was getting in early in case of text delays? I sent a 'hope you've had a good day' type message in afternoon on Christmas day and he replied to that.

OP posts:
Lonelyatxmas · 29/12/2016 13:41

It's only been less than a day. I think he'll be in touch.

mistermagpie · 29/12/2016 13:44

Oh god, I used to be you! I actually cringe looking back at some of the messaging faux pas I made.

When I met DH I realised that when it's right and they really like you, none of this game playing nonsense exists. You don't worry about sending too many texts because you know they will reply when they can and you don't angst about it all because you feel secure. I'm not saying you and this guy are not going to walk off into the sunset and grow old together, but in my experience, anxiety and worry this early on is never really a good sign. This bit should be fun and easy.

I wouldn't text again. I know how hard it is, but your self-esteem won't improve by continuing to text and have him not reply.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 13:48

Thanks Mister. To be fair, he has never not replied and this whole scenario might just be in my head. I am just feeling that I came on too strong and the only anxiety inducing thing is that he has not acknowledged my apology for that. I expect if I did text him right now with something bright & breezy he would reply.

My anxiety is that he is shying away from discussing 'feelings' which also doesn't bode well. It seems he is keen, but possibly only in a physical way. I think I need to try to be strong enough to say no to that kind of set up - although I really fancy him and would enjoy it, ultimately I would want more.

OP posts:
debbs77 · 29/12/2016 13:56

Delete his numier but don't block. Then everytime he messages you, reply but then delete the messages. Then you can't message him first!

JeffJarrett · 29/12/2016 14:08

Oh bless you OP, you sound very sweet but quite obsessive about all this, I'm getting anxious just reading it! Grin

You are probably giving off massive needy vibes and if he is just after a booty call then it'll put him right off but you know what, if that's the case, it's better he's out early than after you develop proper feelings.

Someone upthread said when it's right it's right. You'll know. You won't be second guessing yourself or getting worked up, it'll just be really easy and effortless.

Read "Why Men Love Bitches". It's a revelation if you're dating Wink

TrippyMcTrapFace · 29/12/2016 14:08

My anxiety is that he is shying away from discussing 'feelings'

You said in your OP it's 'early days'. Why should either of you be discussing feelings. How long is 'early days' ?

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 14:11

Hi Trippy - oh still v early. But I'm quite upfront, I don't want to waste time with him is he's just looking for a casual fling. If I have put him off, as Jeff Jarrett said, it's probably no bad thing as would have happened eventually anyway.

We'll see. If and when he does get in touch I will update.

OP posts:
TrippyMcTrapFace · 29/12/2016 14:14

How early is 'oh still very early'? Confused
Is there a reason why you won't say how long you've been together?

Deadsouls · 29/12/2016 14:14

Do nothing. And try to manage your anxiety.
If it were me, I'd delete the number.
But you already said you don't want to do that.
But do nothing.break the cycle.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 14:18

Trippy - please see my pp:

MemorySoup Thu 29-Dec-16 12:20:51
He is going away 1 Jan for a week, I am going away 5th for a week.

Been seeing each other for a few weeks but knew each other for months >>before that.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 29/12/2016 14:18

Well if he always replies apart from this one occasion then I can't really see what you are worrying about! I agree that putting your cards on the table early can avoid later hassle (I.e. my DH knew early on that I wanted children, if he didn't then there wasn't much point pursuing a relationship with 31 year old me) but talking about 'feelings' early on can be a bit too much for some people.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 14:20

mister - i think I am worrying that I have crossed some invisible line here by being so intense... and just want to talk to him but of course I can't do that, well I could I guess: all the advice so far has been about texting but I suppose to pick up the phone and actually CALL would also be a big no-no?

OP posts:
alphabook · 29/12/2016 14:28

I agree with Mister - I used to be very insecure and needy but when I met DH I didn't feel like I had to be needy any more because he didn't play games or mysteriously not be in contact, it was just easy.

It might be that this guy just isn't the one. I'm still not a super confident person and I did some silly things to try to push DH away at first but he accepted that about me. Not to say you shouldn't be aware of these issues and try to work on them, but any man should accept you for who you are too. It's not going to work if you have to pretend to be something you're not.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 14:29

so alpha and mister - do you reckon I should get in touch, and be authentically needy me?

OP posts:
Truckingalong · 29/12/2016 14:33

Do not phone, text or rock up at his door! Just leave it woman!!! If you feel bad now, you'll feel a whole lot worse when you don't get the response you want. Seriously, do not make any further contact with this guy. He's just not that into you.

Deadsouls · 29/12/2016 14:35

Memory

DO NOT call! Or text!
He has your number. If he wants to make contact he will. If you start calling and he doesn't pick up, you will then feel anxious about that. If you've crossed an 'invisible line'. There's not much you can do about it.
You want to alleviate your anxiety by making contact. But if you don't get the response you want, you will worse rather than better.
Your focus on whether he will or won't respond, or how he's responding whilst to some degree is understandable. It is also unhealthy.