Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

[MemorySoup]

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

ChickenPoop no -in RL

If you at feeling like a booty call then you quite possibly are. If or when you do see him maybe do something other than shag? He's said he's looking forward to getting to know you so how about doing that?

If he's only really after the shag you'll soon find out without any loss of dignity or self esteem.

Good luck.

Matilda, we had vague plans to go for a walk (after the hols we each have I think) so there may be hope.

I think it's good advice never to contact him - I mean if he really wants to get in touch or see me again he knows where I am and what to do. If I don't hear from him then presumably it was never meant to be anyway...

Still unsure how long to wait before calling 'NEXT' though - any thoughts?

NavyandWhite - good point about some people not being keen texters.

Trouble is IME all men are very keen texters early on - whether or not that is how they typically are. It then gets confusing when the initial flurry of messages dies down - is it:

-he's gone off me
-he's busy
-he's just settling down into non constant messaging mode now it's not early days excitement

Being texted repeatedly is a real nuisance. Step away from the texting, as you say yourself a few posts back. He will be terrified to text you now because he knows you'll reply immediately and want to engage in a conversation.

I would agree re keeping busy and messaging friends to take your mind off it - this will also boost your social life. Hugs, mnetty or otherwise.

On the other hand, I think a lot of people's self-esteem is dented further by the cultural pressure to be non-needy, non-intense, non-invested. It sets up this situation where the more vulnerable you feel, and the more you want it to work out, the more un-bothered you have to act to make it more likely the person will like you back and continue to the point where you are committed. Then you are supposed to work on intimacy, honesty and communication.

I'm not looking right now, but if I meet someone, they'll have to like me as I am at this moment, intensity, neediness, insecurity, openness, epic messages and all. I'm not empty; I have a great life with loads of fab people and tons of love in it. It's just my unfortunate personality

Sit on your hands, lovey, and leave this chap to it, but don't be down on yourself for trying. Hopefully you'll soon be in a happier place socially - it takes time - and have someone who is just as attentive, caring and honest to you as you are with them.

Snowflake, that's such a lovely message - thank you

Yes, don't text, wait for him to text you next, if he's interested in you, he will.

Mine wasn't so lovely OP, please read it

Seriously leave it, OP I feel even in this thread youre being a little intense, asking and reasking tvery similar questions.

Its natural to be excited at the start of a relationship, but you leave yourself well and truly open to being a bit used or picked up and ropped as youre always available and always contactable. You wont break anything by NOT texting but you sure as heck can by texting him when you already have a hankering youve gone too far.

And as PP's say you absolutely can go out without a phone.

user1471 - good point, but as Snowflake pointed out if he doesn't like who I am then tough. I probably always will be a bit needy.

If I try not to reply when he texts again anyway so that I can show what a bitch confident non needy person I am, that's just not me :( .

I'm not having a go at you by the way, I'm just torn over whether to pretend to be something I'm not - or just throw my hands in the air in abandon and be really upfront, which might save a lot of wasted time by scaring him off now rather than later...?

I think a happy new year text at midnight is a good move- but beware they are often delayed in delivery.

Happy new year! is all that it needs to say.

Oh crikey the people'schamp - should I leave this thread too?!

I always thought MN was a safe place to vent?

memorysoup - you sound very strong in yourself -whybso we beat ourselves up over flipping men?!!! I'm on a destructive path at the moment - have been on medication fo depression for several years and mostly its fine but sometimes I hurtle into the abyss and don't want to surface xx I'm sure once my routine gets back in place I will improve but I am questioning everything I am and what I do. I had a dream the other night that I had had brain surgery and everyone else had someone there to look after them except me . I was still alone at 7pm when the day ward closed and all the nurses went home- my mum came charging in apologising for being late but she had been to see my sisters! Dreams are so often a reflection of how you see your life aren't they 😊😊x I'm still amazed theybuse an Alice band to hold your scalp
Together after brain surgery 😂😂x

not at all OP. I'm just trying to help you see how you may be coming across.

Blobby - according to this thread I am not strong, I am intense and needy.
Sorry to hear you are suffering from depression, I have been there too.

Dreams are strange things; I dreamed of a lot of dead bodies the other night and than an undertake asked me out on a date. I was scared to see the bodies but he said 'don't worry' and opened a door and they were all doll sized with gnome faces........any dream experts around make of that what you will

Thank you ThePeople's - it is really useful to get that perspective

Might not have been so cuddly, user but it's definitely right, in my opinion. I'm not a texter and most people know this. My mum used to get very upset when she'd send me texts that were so long and involved that they used to arrive in succession (in the old days when texts were like that!). If I dared reply, she'd send even more. I took to ringing her then so that she could info-plop at me more quickly and I could get on with what I was doing.

OP, it's too easy to read into silences and words that jangle - even misplaced commas. Accept that you've been a bit text-mad and put your phone away for a bit, don't send any more. If he's going away in the next day or so and you haven't heard, I suppose you could give a quick ring? I wouldn't but I'm no compass for these things. At least you would know.

You have to do what's right for you.

Me - I hate 'waiting', I'd rather just know how someone feels/what they want. Therefore I would text to see if he wants to meet up, if he does great - take it from there, however, if he doesn't reply then I'd move on completely - without the will he/won't he angst.

What do you need?

I have been you in this scenario. I look back in horror at my desperation. DO NOT SEND ANY MORE TEXTS. You now wait to hear from him. I KNOW how difficult that is, but if you write another message for him to ignore you will feel even worse.

That aside, I think you definitely need to bolster your own self confidence. You shouldn't feel like everything rides (pardon the pun) on this one man. If you think he's just after frolics (you can usually tell) and that really isn't what you're after, then don't be afraid to walk away. YOU will be the one who gets hurt if you play along hoping to change his mind - you already know this.

I'm now married and not really insecure at all. We can happily be in other countries and catch up every couple of days. Once upon a time, I'd be pacing if I hadn't had an immediate reply to something and would consider a relationship as potentially serious almost immediately . I think I used to be grateful for the attention rather than believe I deserved it.

I also think a lot of it comes down to how a partner makes you feel. If you're with someone who seems like they want to play the field and has an eye on other women then you will automatically be on edge. A confident woman would say "no, this isn't for me" and mean it.

Seriously don't text him. Not even for new year. He knows when new year is, he can text you. If you don't hear anything before he goes away then I'd mentally (and silently) move on. Don't expect to hear from him while he is on holiday.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I used to be just like this when I was single years ago and my self-esteem was in the bin. It can get better though.

Firstly, forget this guy. Completely.
If you’re feeling insecure, jittery and second-guessing yourself this much then it really doesn’t bode well for this relationship working out well. Take the signals your subconscious is giving you and walk away. He isn’t right for you.

The right person won’t make you feel insecure for being yourself. They won’t make you feel like you’re texting too much, or being ‘clingy’, or leave you feeling like you have to put on a show to keep them attracted to you.

Like pp, I feel this guy probably is just looking for a booty call (and you recognise that yourself.)
Walk away now with your dignity intact, and wait for someone better suited to you. There’s no need to leap forwards with the first person who shows an interest. You’re worth more and you don’t need a relationship.

And yes, what Chickenpoop said here:

I also think a lot of it comes down to how a partner makes you feel. If you're with someone who seems like they want to play the field and has an eye on other women then you will automatically be on edge. A confident woman would say "no, this isn't for me" and mean it.