Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

[MemorySoup]

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

I agree that you should do what feels best for you

I've had therapy in the past but it hasn't really got to the bottom of what's wrong with me. Just felt like it took up a lot of time and money.

The main problem is I don't really know what is right or wrong, I don't know what I am 'allowed' to think. I am terrified of getting things wrong.

I was neglected as a child and had horrendous mental and sometimes physical abuse. I used to run and hide in an outside loo (often chased by angry mother) and stay there all day. No one ever came to see where I was, they were just glad I was not annoying them.

Moving on, even from a fledgling relationship, takes a bit of time and effort. It will hurt for a bit, it's hurtful if you haven't had sex with them, it's much worse if you have had sex - thanks for that Oxytocin. Because of that, I try not to have sex for a while. It can be difficult but it's worth it - and no man worth having has not stuck around. I recommend you try that; it also seems that taking a Timeout from 'dating' for a while might really help too, until you look into any issues you may have and work through them.
Give yourself a bit of time re. this, don't be so hard on yourself.

This guy might have not known what he wanted or he may have known from the start he only wanted something casual/sexual - the latter seems more likely to me. It's not what you want so put him to the side. Do as many things as you can to keep yourself busy, esp social things where you have company. You sound depressed perhaps and we take everything harder when we're depressed; we're not fit to deal with the slings and arrows; another reason to take a time-out.

To be abandoned, you have to be part of a couple or a family or group. This man doesn't know you yet, you're not any of those things yet. You're tentatively finding out about each other to see if longer term you will be one of those things. What you've experienced with this man isn't abandonment. He hasn't left you because he's not with you, yet.

Imagine it from the other side, Memory, you meet a man that you think you will like and it all seems nice so you start to get to know each other and then you find little aspects of his behaviour that grate a bit with you but you ignore them. Then ongoing niggles of either these or new behaviours and you start to think a) that he's nice enough but it's not going anywhere and/or b) how to start distancing.

Imagine your annoyance when this man isn't picking up on your cues that it's 'thanks but no thanks' and still maintains contact, like a limpet. You'd be a bit peeved, wouldn't you? If you wanted to widen your net a bit, maybe have seen somebody else who looks a better fit? But you still have this man and he's continuing to be there. Instead of seeing and treating him as the decent person that he is (and he is, despite annoying habits), you start to perceive him as a 'block', somebody who is actively preventing you from being free to live your life and maybe find somebody else.

At this point, you, I imagine, would say to this man, "Look, I've really enjoyed meeting with you, being with you, but this isn't working for me so it's time to say goodbye". You'd do that because it's the decent thing to do but other people don't hold the same values so they duck and dive and eventually just stop contacting the other person.

What I'm saying, Memory is that for you, you see what this man is doing is a rejection of you, but really it isn't. He doesn't know enough about you to reject you because he doesn't have you yet. His feelings haven't developed at the same pace - or at all - and you're just not on the same page now. It's nobody's fault it's just the perils of dating.

You say that you've known him for months but that being the case, he - for whatever reason - has just not engaged with you and doesn't want the same things that you do.

You said in your earlier posts that when you are not with a man you are a strong woman. You didn't sound scare or alone in that post; its only when you talk about this man and his dismissive 'take it or leave it' behaviour towards you that you sound unsure and sad. What will it take for you to see that behaviour for what it is and push it away from you?

I think i was guilty of overtexting when I was dating as a teen... I think you really need to concentrate on yourself.

On here with your replies you respond very quickly and emotionally (possibly without reading things or understanding things properly.) I'd surmise that you possibly do the same with texts. You need to slow down. Maybe even quit texting all together, a phone call to make arrangements is fine or quick catch up call a few days later to say "XX was fun, shall we arrange to do something?"

It just all sounds waay too much, but it's not making you happy which is why I suggest that you stop it.

RE: being scared and alone? If you don't have contact with this man does that really make you scared and alone? That's quite a sensationalist thing to say about somebody that you have only been dating a short while.

I've cross-posted with your last post, Memory, I think you would benefit from having a look at the But we took you to Stately Homes thread as that might explain a bit more about your mother's behaviour and reassure you that you aren't on your own.

My last post was ONLY about this man, not about your family as I wasn't aware of the issues that you'd had as a child.

To clarify: I don't mean scared and alone without this man, or that he had known me long enough to 'abandon' me.

I was talking more genetically: how I feel deep down, all the time- a feeling that is all pervasive, despite seeming to be strong when I am in my own without distraction (false hope) that I am lovable. Hope that makes sense.

I DO like your turn of phrase, Bant, very much.

*generically

Could you get CBT on the nhs and not have to pay for it.
There are several threads on here (including the "We took you to stately homes" thread) re. childhood abuse/neglect etc. that might be helpful for you to look at.
It sounds like it would be helpful for you to talk about your Mum's/parents behaviour and come to the realisation that it was not acceptable, not reasonable and above all, not your fault.
Some people on this earth were lucky enough to be born to (or adopted by) great parents, some had psychopaths & sociopaths inflicted on them, and others everything in between. It's not the fault of any child whom they had the fortune or misfortune to get.

Have a look at that thread that I bolded, Memory, it's on Relationships board. What you're saying makes perfect sense. Families during your childhood can't help but leave a blueprint or imprint on your life as an adult. Some of that is positive and some not at all.

cross-posted with merville's excellent post. Read that again and again, Memory.

Don't panic or go into a downward spiral OP. It's all fine. You haven't done anything terrible. Being needy and vulnerable isn't a crime. It's hardly surprising that if you are needy and vulnerable and you slept with him which is a very intimate thing to do, that you feel all mixed up. Just wait for your contents to settle!!

CBT is unlikely to help with deep rooted trauma. I'm looking into dialectical behaviour therapy. I do still think other posters might be focusing on this man and the length of dating when he and it is actually completely irrelevant. I wouldn't even discuss him as it is fuelling this downward spiral. There is some excellent advice on my thread that would help.

To be fair if he was the right man he would embrace your neediness in the sense that you wouldn't feel the need to be needy with him as he would just be right in what he did.
This one isn't the right man.

I'm old - over 50. In my late teens when I was dating we didn't have mobiles. We had one phone in the family home that was in the dining room for everyone to listen too. If I met someone and we exchanged numbers we would only ever phone a couple of times a week just to arrange dates. There was no texting. In a way it was a lot easier as expectations were lower in communication terms. We just had to get to know each other face to face. I have dated in my 50s and the texting expectations is a nightmare. I'm confident, experienced etc (mainly age) yet I still go caught up in the ping pong of texts. I use to turn my phone off or limit my self to a number of texts a day. It is so easy to get caught up and live by the texts. It does also give you the impression that you know the fella better than you actually do - in reality texting is like having a pen friend!! It isn't real life.

Keep on with your running Memory. Do you belong to a club, have you done any park runs or any races?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment.

I had a horrible time last year when a guy I was seeing suddenly pulled away - when I said 'it was fine to leave it' he went into gaslight mode and acted like I'd gone off on one and was being mental, so it was then 'my fault' he didn't want to see me. I felt so low and really in a bad place and then decided that I needed to work on myself before dating again. (He then got back in touch, flip flopped, I told him to fuck off, months later he got back in touch, begged for another chance, only to flip flop AGAIN! My initial instincts WERE RIGHT!).

Having given myself some time to work on me, exercising, eating well, having fun with friends I started tentatively dating again and met my now boyfriend who is lovely and zero flip floppage! And part of the reason it got to this stage is that I felt happy and well enough not to over text, or stress too much if he didn't text, to let it develop naturally and not put things under pressure.

Forget this guy, if you don't want to delete him, maybe delete Facebook etc off your phone or go dark for a while (ie shut your page down for a bit - if anyone asks it's a NY resolution) and focus on you, running, friends etc. Get back to the confident independent person you were before and spend a bit of time there.

Hello there & kitten - thank you. I went onto Facebook earlier and saw that he'd been 'active' and it's such torture when you see that I decided j could cope with it anymore so I in friended him. I have also deactivated my Facebook account as it won't do me any harm to have a break from it. We'll see if he gets in touch to see if I'm ok - I doubt it.

Went to the gym tonight. I have t done any races - I just run a couple of miles as often as I can and am trying to build up my fitness again. I used to be in a career where annual fitness test was mandatory and really want to maintain fitness but for pleasure not because I have to.

So many typos in that post - sorry - hope the gist was clear.

Block him, don't give him a moments thought from tomorrow onwards, never mind waiting to see if he sees if your ok. Don't even give him the opportunity

That's brilliant - can't stress enough how much exercise helped my mood, confidence, ability to cope aside from all the health benefits - such a good way to cope when things feel tough and thoughts get overwhelming. And a really good time to make changes for the better/happier - you'll be feeling like a different person soon and see this for the blip it is (but a blip that made you realise what you needed to work on in your life).

I think you might be co-dependent, as am I so no judgement there. But when I read about it and realised that was me it was such a relief and as they say knowledge is power so thought i'd mention it.
Have a look online. There's a co-dependant anon page on line that might be helpful, or just a general Google.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment

Perhaps a silver lining to the situation is it gives you the encouragement and opportunity to work on improving your thoughts and feelings about yourself? I know you mentioned you've previously had therapy? I would perhaps ask your GP (or look into it privately) about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, as this specifically might be helpful to you in working through your childhood trauma.

Well done Memory. FB is a nightmare and so addictive. I wish I had the strength to close mine down for a while.

I took up running when my husband left me. Now nearly 5 years later I am aiming for my first half marathon this year. I have a social life through the running club who did not know me as Mrs so that is nice.

Op, you sound exactly like me, 15 years ago. But I don't recognise any of that in myself now. You can feel better about yourself, and you can change all this.
Look into co- dependence, and love addiction, give it a Google.
I did lots of Inner Child work ( with a therapist at first, them mostly on my own), which is so simple and effective. You imagine this " needy " part of yourself as a small child, and you sit the child down and tell them you will always be there for them, that they are good enough, that they never need to feel alone again. I used to imagine offering her my hand to hold as I crossed a road, or asking if she wanted to sit on my lap when I watched TV. It was not intense, I Just have her a few second attention at a time, but it had a massive impact on my mental states! If you are not used to therapy it may sound strange, but it's Just using your imagination to heal yourself.

Also I used to tell myself that I would never find love if I did not love myself, but despite not liking of approving of ANYTHING about myself, I met a man who could love me completely, and that sort of love heals your heart.

I think you know this already, but you are only needy because you didn't get your needs meet ( hence the inner child stuff). And you can change that.

I've not read the whole thread, but I was struck by your dream about bodies. I wonder of it indicates that the things you fear are not as bad as you imagine.
I don't feel I've articulated myself to well on this post, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying.
All the best.

Memory dont know if you remember me from earlier in your thread but my 'date man' finally got back in touch to say " thanks for chatting" but hes getting back with his ex and it wouldnt be fair to keep talking to me. On the one hand I'm glad my gut instinct was right a) that he hadn't got over her and b) that something happened over Christmas but on the other hand Im so disappointed as I did really enjoy being with him ;-( x

Oh well, onwards xx