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Original poster

Help I've gone crazy & sent too many texts...

284 replies

MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 11:55

And am now wanting to 'amend' the situation by sending more texts. I am sitting on my hands and am determined not to but - aargh - why have I become this needy wreck?

Am seeing someone but v early days. He keeps saying he likes me but messages are getting briefer and less frequent. I think this is because I am appearing needy. And the sad thing is I probably am .. I am aware of this and trying to change, but it's really hard when you have such fragile self esteem.

I sent a few messages last night saying I was disappointed not to have heard from him after seeing him earlier.

I had mentioned the other day that it really cheered me up getting messages (sad I know) and he said he wanted to make me happy and was looking forward to getting to know me, I was nice, liked spending time with me etc etc.

In the cold light of day me texting last night was all wrong, so wrong. I have predictably heard nothing since 10pm last night when I apologised and said I was just feeling a bit down.

Please come and tell me what to do (or not to do) now and how not to be such a total abject failure when it comes to dating & self esteem. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/12/2016 16:06

Honestly I think you must be suffering from depression. Your posts read like you're inviting us to join in on your pity and self flagulation party.

You clearly have lots of good things going on in your life, from good mates who want you to holiday with them on, you clearly exercise, and are probably attractive, the guy was obviously interested, and you did afford the holiday.

Stop beating your self up and stop with the self pity and start thinking of the good things,

Flowerydems · 29/12/2016 16:12

Memory, I agree it sounds like you're really down about everything.

Your self worth isn't made by a man being interested, even if you have been used as a booty call (it happens) does it really matter? You seem to be placing blame for going a bit psycho on this guy on him.

I've been on both sides and I went through a pattern of this last year during my separation. And yeah you feel like you're taking any scraps but so long as you're safe what's the issue? Sex is sex, at 3 weeks I wouldn't think all that many feelings would be coming into the mix, this is getting to know you time to be honest.

You've admitted to being needy, and you've clearly made this clear to him too. Don't contact him AT ALL!! For all intents and purposes you're not actually in a relationship so you can go on your break and have fun.

It's a case of trying to stop this cycle I'm afraid

StealthPolarBear · 29/12/2016 16:13

Do you think he's a slut? You had sex, hopefully you enjoyed it, looks like it's going nowhere , just be pleased you found out now rather than in a year or two. Enjoy your break!

Blobby10 · 29/12/2016 16:21

memory. Like others have said - you don't know he doesn't like you! It's mars and Venus remember?! One thing I have done is realised that my behaviour to the man I like was the same as that of a friend to me- constant texts and messsges which I enjoyed to a point but just needed a break every now and then! Maybe your man has friends round? Or a household emergency to deal With? Or something!!! Give it another couple of days but please focus on your running or walking by and plan for your trip! Sounds like heaven xx

Fairylane · 29/12/2016 16:41

Memory I can so relate to you. I've had the same happen to me many times and felt the same way.

A couple of years ago I started reading dating books (one mentioned upthread already is 'Why Men Love Bitches') also Matthew Hussey's 'Get the Guy' and so many others ('Power of the Pussy', 'Act Like a Lady', 'You Lost him at Hello') - some of the titles are awful, I know. And the feminist in me was silently screaming that I was reading such rubbish Blush.

I read everything I could find on dating and what makes men want women.

And ....I turned things around for myself. I applied some of the techniques in the books - to start with, as an experiment more than anything else - they worked! My confidence grew and I started having guys go crazy for me Grin.

My self-esteem grew. I started to feel good and desirable.

I now have an incredible DP I met online. I'm sure he would not have chased me if I had not read the books and tried to follow them. I would have appeared too needy, intense, emotional ....

And guess what? I'm still the old needy me. And I get depression too - but he desires me, supports me - and I now have an inner confidence the old me never did Smile. Not because of him, but because I have a deep belief that I am a high value woman. I'm a prize and I let my DP win me! He feels lucky and so do I!

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 16:42

FairyLane- tell me more about these techniques!

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 29/12/2016 16:50

I also spent a long time being single and was messed around a fair bit doing on line dating.

My advice, forget about techniques and how to 'act'.

Use your common sense and do stuff that makes you happy. Lots of hobbies and activities. Don't put so much pressure on a relationship. If you are out and about seeing people/doing things you are much less likely to over-text or over-invest!

Fairylane · 29/12/2016 16:53

It's basically believing you are high value. Not being too keen - ie being hard to have but easy to please.

It seems contrived, but it's about being your best and truest self.

After a while you start to believe you are a prize to be won - and that is attractive to men.

Fairylane · 29/12/2016 16:56

Take the holiday time you have to read some of the books on dating.

It will change your mindset!

PS, please please don't text him if you want any chance to salvage this!

Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 16:58

Thanks Fairy, I am going to download some from amazon to read on the plane.

OP posts:
Original poster
MemorySoup · 29/12/2016 16:58

PS I wont (contact that is!)

OP posts:
Fairylane · 29/12/2016 17:03

Jackie I totally agree - it's important get busy, do things that make you happy. You will feel good about yourself! It's very empowering. That is the key to the 'techniques' Smile

Emmageddon · 29/12/2016 17:09

I had something similar, when the man I was dating would bombard me with texts, often when I was at work and couldn't reply, followed by calls and mournful voice-mail messages. He was a really sweet guy BUT oh my goodness, I couldn't deal with his incessant need for constant reassurance that I liked him, I wanted to see him again etc etc.

It frightened me off.

honeyroar · 29/12/2016 17:11

I've been where you are too. I agree with those that found that with a decent man who cares you don't get this insecure feeling.

Yes you may have gone a bit OTT with the texting, but you've backed off and given him space. Now it's up to him to show that he cares and has manners. If he doesn't, your fears that prompted your texting might have been right.

Go on your holiday, take your mind off it all, have a change of scene. You might even meet someone there!

Don't text again. See what happens. And stop knocking yourself.

PrizeyPrize · 29/12/2016 17:14

OP this has happened to me over and over and over again, they chase you for yonks and as soon as you start liking them back their mindset changes and they hold back and go off you massively. I don't get it. It's ruined my self esteem and I've basically avoided entering or looking for a relationship since the last time this happened in the summer, because it's so bloody soul destroying, but then again so is the loneliness. It's a catch 22. I'm on the don't text him camp. I can totally sympathise, it's awful. 💐

fairylane can we have a list of books in order of bestistness please? 😬

Deadsouls · 29/12/2016 20:18

I've read 'why men love bitches', albeit quickly and I found it troubling; women have to change themselves in order to make themselves attractive to men in order to make them control. It lists a bunch of game playing, 'withholding' techniques. The idea of making oneself into a 'prize' to be won by a man is objectifying.
Of course, I understand the basic premise of what the author is saying re: boundaries and valuing oneself and so on but I'm not really sure about the message of, 'do a, b and c and you'll have men eating out of your hand'. The kind of self esteem you get that from that kind of attention might feel intoxicatingly powerful in a superficial way but it is ephemeral and uncontrollable, after all we can't really control others.
I don't believe that this book can lead to the deep, long lasting building up of self esteem that comes from working upon yourself.

Lonelyatxmas · 29/12/2016 20:30

Agree with you Deadsouls

Ladylouanne · 29/12/2016 21:56

Memory, some of what you have said rings bells with me, in particular the bit about being a strong independent person when single and then very insecure in relationships.

I met someone new last year and really struggled at some points as I was constantly wondering when he would get in touch, and thinking that I wasn't good enough for him. I got some good advice via mumsnet, and I particularly remember a thread where someone posted a link to something called the 'love compass' (pretty that's what it is called). That helped me understand my attachment style and you might find it useful.

I agree with those who have said don't text again. Give him time to miss you - if he does, he will be back.

Also, try to switch your thinking around. Rather than wondering what you need to do to keep a man interested, think about what you need from a man if you are to remain interested. If it is more contact than this man is offering, then you might need to discuss this in future, however if he isn't meeting your needs then tell him so and move on.

Original poster
MemorySoup · 30/12/2016 09:56

Just a quick update - still heard nothing from him.

And I haven't contacted him (yay for me, this is taking a bit of will power).

My 'doing things which make me happy' list is coming along well too:

Swim - tick (done last night)
Run - later
Yoga - booked for after holiday
Massage - booked pre flight

Oh and my online sales order is ready to collect on Saturday too :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MemorySoup · 30/12/2016 09:56

LadyLouanne - the love compass was useful too, thank you, I googled it.

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birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/12/2016 09:58

Good for you op - that's the spirit.

Temporaryanonymity · 30/12/2016 10:10

I agree that receiving lots of texts can be really annoying. It puts me right off a person. I dated someone briefly last year and the constant texting drove me potty. I couldn't help but feel that it wasn't me he was interested in but the idea of me. I knocked it on the head quickly.

Blobby10 · 30/12/2016 10:17

Thanks for the update Memory - I'm sorry he hasn't been in contact but yay for you!! Good on you finding that will-power!!!

My own flaky bloke hasn't contacted me either - I have drawn on your strength (sorry!) and not contacted him . I was googling singles holidays last night Grin

loobyloo1234 · 30/12/2016 10:20

I don't think there is any comeback from this OP? You've shown massive fragility already. Not an attractive trait. You sound lovely but just a bit needy that's all

Learn from this and don't over invest and become so intense so quickly Flowers

Original poster
MemorySoup · 30/12/2016 10:27

looby thank you, but I'm still thinking there might be hope. He did respond to all the texts I sent 2 nights ago, and I didn't 'double text' at all. I was the last to text, so am just waiting for a response. If it doesn't come fair enough, I will move on.

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