Keremy I'm so sorry you've been left with the consequences of being abused and are still dealing with it.
I'm sadly very familiar with the after effects. I'm left with anxiety and a massive fear of people (especially people you have to rely on, or show your vulnerable side to).
I'm on the long march to try and sort out my head and although I'm very scared of people, I'm also terribly lonely and hope one day I'll be able to trust my judgement enough to have another relationship. There are reasons I got into an abusive relationship, and stayed in it. And all I can do is work on making myself as healthy as I can, in the way my brain functions, in the way I'm programmed to understand relationships... so I'm working on that a lot!
I got out because although I couldn't protect myself and I couldn't understand it shouldn't be like this for me, I could see that my baby deserved so much better, and I absolutely had to protect him anyway I could. My protective instinct was well and truly activated and without that, I think I'd still be there.
I also have mumsnet to thank - my first attempts at putting into words what was happening, well, it wasn't very good! All mixed up and concentrating on the incidental stuff as I felt ok to care/object to that stuff, and I couldn't even put into thought some of the other stuff, let alone put it into words.
But it was ok as mumsnetters supported me and had the insight to know that there was more I couldn't face just then... they gave me the courage to keep on posting. It took a few threads, and a lot of stopping and starting, and a lot of reading other people's threads, but in the end I got there. I couldn't even label it as the A-word for ages... now I can say with certainty that he was abusive in oh so many ways. Emotionally, financially, sexually, socially, physically. In a way the physical stuff helped me to get out, as it was so clearly wrong. I'm left with lasting damage from it though, which is pretty fucking shit. The sexual stuff, that took me longest to work out, though it is probably one of the most horrific looking back. Still hard to say though. And the emotional abuse will take the longest to heal from, it's the stuff that slowly drowns you, that allows all the other stuff to happen in. It's never just calling names, or someone being a bit mean. It's like brain washing, it's like living in permanent hell that there's no way out of. And anyone who's managed to get the strength and amazing power to get yourself out... well, you're bloody amazing. You really, really, are. And that means you too KitKat! 