Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Please give me courage to call 999 and leave H

209 replies

Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:05

Please. I have already put a tag marker on my number for 999.

Yesterday and today he's been a nasty bully to me, in front of the dc, and today in public and in front of the dc at the supermarket. He's on medication and is on a course for partners who DA. He's also supposed to have self referred for counselling for his MH but has yet to. I'm worried for my dc seeing the police take their daddy away in the police car. I don't want them to see that.
SS are already involved as they needed to check if the dc are OK and not being effected. SS have said they have no concerns for the dc after speaking with them (nor do the school) and as H is taking proper steps to address his issues.

Yesterday he called me a cuntSad

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/12/2016 17:01

you called the police because he called you a cunt?

I mean, he sounds like a cunt himself, but sounds more reason for you to leave him or call womens aid than call the emergency services because he calls you names

MountainPeaks · 28/12/2016 17:01

Shesparkles I think the OP has marked and tagged 999 in her phone to call discretely rather than the police placing a marker on her phone (if they'd done that then it doesn't add up with school and social services having no concerns).

Lilmisskittykat · 28/12/2016 17:03

Mountain peaks - that's exactly how I read it.

SheSparkles · 28/12/2016 17:03

Nickynacky, ANY domestic incident is automatically graded as a 2, and the fact that she is a high risk victim and the perp is in the house with her, would mean that the call would categorically NOT be downgraded.
I will encourage the use of the 9 if the circumstances merit it, and in my opinion, as the one who answers that call (although not for much longer 🙄), it most certainly does.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 17:05

It maybe that you can say to the police that you want them to be there when you tell him you want him to leave the house/that you are splitting up, as you are afraid of his reaction. They may agree to that espcially as they have your assessment there.
I'm not sure they will take him away as such, because unless he assaults you, he hasn't committed a crime. They may be ok to be with you to ensure he leaves peacefully - but they won't take him away. I don't think 999 is the number to ring as it isn't an emergency. The marking of your phone number is for if he physically assults you. Ring the other numbers above for advice or 101 and ask for police advice. If he will hear you and get physically abusive then call 999 for them to supervise his exit but be aware that they won't arrest him if he hasn't committed a crime.

SheSparkles · 28/12/2016 17:05

Mountain peaks-it's not in the least bit unusual for police command systems to have markers placed on phone numbers and addresses for various reasons, domestic abuse being the most common, especially if the victim has been assessed as high risk

Lilmisskittykat · 28/12/2016 17:05

I understand what you are saying but there is also grading within those calls, which are frequent.

If he's calm now why make the situation stressful. Call 101 get advice there are people to support you but response emergency policing isn't your only option for a smoother less stressful way out

MountainPeaks · 28/12/2016 17:05

SheSparkles Why are you saying she is a high risk victim?

SheSparkles · 28/12/2016 17:06

Leaving this thread now, as my eyeballs are rolling so much at statements like " if he hasn't assaulted you it isn't a crime", it's hurting my head

PossumInAPearTree · 28/12/2016 17:07

The OP says she's been assessed as high risk. Divas have a questionnaire which gives you a score and you can be classed as high risk depending on your answers.

Original poster
Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 17:07

A police marker was put on my phone by my DA support, with my consent, as advised by my DA support.

OP posts:
MountainPeaks · 28/12/2016 17:07

SheSparkles I know it isn't - I have one on mine (for different reasons), however, this isn't what the OP was referring to I don't think. She has tagged the 999 number in her own phone as something discrete like "Pizza Delivery" from the way it reads, not that the police have marked her as "high risk".

MountainPeaks · 28/12/2016 17:08

Ok - I take that back. It is a police marker (apologies for that).

Lilmisskittykat · 28/12/2016 17:08

It was the way it was written - sorry x

myoriginal3 · 28/12/2016 17:08

So calling someone names is on the same level of being held hostage, fired around a room, having your head dipped into a pot of stew, a few whacks across the face, punches, having your tongue pulled out and being actually strangled?

Nicknacky · 28/12/2016 17:09

SheSparkles, my issue is not with the priority grading that the police will rightly grade it and will not be given a higher priority based on the method of call 999/101. My issue is you saying its a 999 matter. Really? Someone being called a name yesterday? Yes it may require police action but it's not a matter for 999.

It may be given a priority 2 grading but that will not ensure an immediate response, as you know.

ludothedog · 28/12/2016 17:10

A Police "Tag" can be put on an address where there is an elevated risk of harm so that Police know to attend as a matter of urgency. This is really common where there have been previous episodes of DV.

Littleballerina · 28/12/2016 17:10

Just call them and let them decide.
If they don't come you need a back up plan. If they do come I think I'd rather my children saw that rather than saw years of abuse.
Or call 101 for advice.

myoriginal3 · 28/12/2016 17:11

Fuck that.

Baylisiana · 28/12/2016 17:12

Get help and leave, by all means. If you think that you and/or your dc are immediate and severe physical danger call 999. Otherwise do not. Just bear in mind that at the same time you are calling 999 others are calling for whom every second counts as a life and death matter in a medical emergency. You are competing for resources and frankly from what you say your need is nowhere near as great. You can get help in plenty of other ways right now, why on earth are you considering calling 999?

CheerfulMuddler · 28/12/2016 17:17

I don't know what the right number to call is, but I am sending you courage to leave him and courage to ask for help, whether from 999 or 101 or the domestic abuse helpline. Your children will be upset, but they will be more upset if you stay. You are doing the right thing by showing them that they need to protect themselves from abuse, and that their mother is willing to do frightening things in order to protect them.

Well done. I don't know enough to know what the right number to call is, but my guess is that whoever you call will put you through to the right person. Get help. Leave. And you should be proud of yourself for doing so.

Original poster
Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 17:22

Thank you cheerful

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 28/12/2016 17:25

999 is for emergencies, when a crime is in progress, or there's a danger to somebody's life/safety.

101 is for contacting the police in any other situation.

So, unless you think he is going to become violent, call 101. But - OP - please DO contact the police.

horizontilting · 28/12/2016 17:28

When you say your dsis and her husband are leaving tomorrow to go away for the New Year, is it that have been staying with you? Or that it would give you somewhere to go?

If I understand correctly you were assessed as at high risk by a domestic violence association, on their scale and social services and school saying that they have no concerns about your children was in terms of their wellbeing at the moment, not a reflection that they aren't at risk of witnessing violence.

I understand you may not feel you have been subjected to physical abuse but if the threat to strangle you was by putting his hands around your throat then that was physical abuse. They don't assess you as being at high risk for no reason. I know it's hard to face up to and hard not to minimise but especially when you've noticed a pattern with your husband's aggression on medication/ along with his mental ill health, please do listen to your fears and get yourself and the children out of a situation where the professionals judge you are at risk. That's the bit that matters.

twojumpingbeans · 28/12/2016 17:28

EA or coercive control is most definitely illegal. Under the serious crimes act 2015. If you have an IDVA then you must have had a DASH risk assessment (or the RIC) completed and the risk to you and your children has been assessed as high. The police will be aware of this via the MARAC process. You should call the police if you're afraid. What did your safety plan that you made with your IDVA say? Who is your safe number? Do you have a supportive person you could text? Do you know where all your documents are? Do you have a bag packed at a friend's or a family members'? Lots of questions I know.. Don't listen to those who say EA isn't a police matter. It absolutely is.