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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Please give me courage to call 999 and leave H

209 replies

Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:05

Please. I have already put a tag marker on my number for 999.

Yesterday and today he's been a nasty bully to me, in front of the dc, and today in public and in front of the dc at the supermarket. He's on medication and is on a course for partners who DA. He's also supposed to have self referred for counselling for his MH but has yet to. I'm worried for my dc seeing the police take their daddy away in the police car. I don't want them to see that.
SS are already involved as they needed to check if the dc are OK and not being effected. SS have said they have no concerns for the dc after speaking with them (nor do the school) and as H is taking proper steps to address his issues.

Yesterday he called me a cuntSad

OP posts:
Perfectlypurple · 28/12/2016 19:53

Victims of domestic abuse often minimise what they are going through.

I have taken a number of calls where the caller reports something relatively minor in relation to domestic abuse, yet when the police arrive and complete the risk assessment they disclose a wide range of offences that they have minimised.... Because they have been controlled to such an extent that they think it is no big deal, their fault etc.

Controlling, coercive , abusive, threatening behaviour is an offence.

Taking 999 calls, which are taken by the same people that take 101 calls, I often would tell people to ring 101 if they have called 999 and it is not an emergency. If the caller rang 999 and described some of what she has said here and that he was still in the house I would not be telling her to ring 101, I would deal with it on a 999 line.

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 19:53

myoriginal I agree with you

And as for 'not in the spirit of the site' well yes, we can all tell op that the police will come and it will all be pink and fluffy and fabulous.... or we could tell the truth and be the mumsnet we used to be...

myoriginal3 · 28/12/2016 19:55

The op has disclosed that she was called a cunt and you decide all that

forumdonkey · 28/12/2016 19:56

lovelearning Wed 28-Dec-16 18:20:53 - Where do you get the information and advice you are posting?

Redglitter · 28/12/2016 19:58

As a despatcher for Police Scotland I totally agree with nicky Being called a name yesterday is by no stretch of the imagination a 999 call. To be honest if I got the OPS call passed to me for despatch the fact she called 999 would be completely irrelevant. It's not something I even look at. Calling 999 does not contrary to a lot of people's belief get the police to attend quicker it merely gets your call answered quicker. What happens after that is up to the Control Room who prioritise the call.

myoriginal3 · 28/12/2016 20:02

This is not a thread that I am capable of positively contributing to I believe.
Best of luck op, but manage your expectations.

Perfectlypurple · 28/12/2016 20:03

Also, it is he same officers who deal with 999 emergencies and 101 reports. When someone calls 999 or 101 the call taker makes a decision on risk etc and will grade accordingly. The radio operators will then dispatch according to that grading.

One of the reasons I would not tell a caller who is a domestic abuse victim to ring 101 instead of 999 is the chance that they could have spent ages building up the courage to ring the police for he first time, and telling them to hang up and call another number could mean they won't ring back at all, which could put them in more danger. Of course, often during the call you may find out this isn't the first call from them but you don't know that from the start so I would rather a victim of domestic abuse feels supported and listened to by the police.

MountainPeaks · 28/12/2016 20:04

The OP is scared, this behaviour is not normal - it's an escalation. It's a change.

These are warning signs that it may not stop at namecalling etc.

OP please call someone.

Keremy · 28/12/2016 20:04

Wow at this thread.

I have seen amazing support over the years for DV victims on here but this thread is awful!

He's only called her a name
If she wants to leave just leave?

The op has already said "He has threatened to strangle me before and threatened me with a weapon and intimidation. "

Social services are involved according to the op too

Do you realise how fucking hard it is to leave an abuser?? When you have been bashed down and made to feel you are worthless and nothing.

Never mind the fact if you have no where to go and either cannot get through on the help lines or the refuge has no space.

Emotional abuse is awful and relentless and can make you feel you want to die. You are told you are nothing, that no one will want you, that you are worthless.

I really feel some on this thread are minimising it and that makes me very sad.

MountainPeaks · 28/12/2016 20:05

RedGlitteR

ANY kind of domestic abuse is dealt with as a very high priority crime in Scotland.

As previously said upthread by a 999 call handler.

Redglitter · 28/12/2016 20:06

the call taker makes a decision on risk etc and will grade accordingly. The radio operators will then dispatch according to that grading.

Despatchers asess calls when they come into the control room and very frequently regrade them. Call takers tend to use the default generic gradings. When we get them sent down we fully assess them regrade where appropriate and despatch accordingly

myoriginal3 · 28/12/2016 20:07

The advice is to call 101 or women's aid.

Redglitter · 28/12/2016 20:08

Mountain peaks I'm a despatcher with Police Scotland. I'm well aware of how we deal with domestics. I deal with a lot more of them and in more depth on a daily basis

myoriginal3 · 28/12/2016 20:09

Do you realise how hard it is to get an ambulance when you have almost been choked to death?

Perfectlypurple · 28/12/2016 20:10

redglitter call takers grade according to policy and how they have been trained and do not tend to use the default generic gradings where I work. They fully assess using questioning, research and apply a risk model to show their rationale for the grading. They are trained well, and in my experience they are re graded, often wrongly due to resources. I don't want to get into a dispute about why radio dispatchers are better than call takers...... I get enough of that at work.

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 20:10

If there is all this history with threats to strangle, violence and abuse, then why are social services happy for a child to remain in the middle of it all?

Would they really?

Experience tells me not. So why in this case is that child still there?

Keremy · 28/12/2016 20:12

Myoriginal is that to me?

Stylingwax · 28/12/2016 20:13

myoriginal3 your experience sounds utterly dreadful Flowers

Keremy · 28/12/2016 20:20

I'm not saying the op should call 999. I'm saying I'm shocked how people seem to be minimising the OP to just being called a name when she clearly says "Yesterday and today he's been a nasty bully to me, in front of the dc, and today in public and in front of the dc at the supermarket"

I've been the victim of both...I minimised. My family don't know the half of it.

funnyandwittyusername · 28/12/2016 20:23

And yet perfectlypurple, redglitter is right. I respond to these calls and in my experience that is entirely correct. Call takers grade according to a pre determined policy. The control room sgt's usually have the final say.

Helloitsmeee · 28/12/2016 20:23

I am also concerned about op calling 999 when her h is playing with the children.

When I called the police on my ex, he was so plausible when they arrived, they asked me to leave.

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 20:25

keremy and when pushed for further detail it transpires he called her a name.... that's all op said

No mention of violence yesterday

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 20:27

hello they will always separate the two parties.... so each can give their own account of what has happened

Police work on the facts

Perfectlypurple · 28/12/2016 20:28

Policy is there for a reason. If people go outside the policy and something happens then they have to live with that and answer to that.

Leaving this now, as it is winding me up. The op has come on here for support and people are minimising what she is putting up with, with no thought for how that may affect her, her confidence and her determination to leave.

Op I hope you get some help and find the strength to do what is right for you. Good luck.

Schmoozer · 28/12/2016 20:30

Worst thread I have EVER read on this site. Due to such bollocks being posted.
OP. Ring 999. You had the right idea.
I understand the escalation you have posted about, and the steps you have taken before. Just do it, best wishes xx