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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me courage to call 999 and leave H

209 replies

Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:05

Please. I have already put a tag marker on my number for 999.

Yesterday and today he's been a nasty bully to me, in front of the dc, and today in public and in front of the dc at the supermarket. He's on medication and is on a course for partners who DA. He's also supposed to have self referred for counselling for his MH but has yet to. I'm worried for my dc seeing the police take their daddy away in the police car. I don't want them to see that.
SS are already involved as they needed to check if the dc are OK and not being effected. SS have said they have no concerns for the dc after speaking with them (nor do the school) and as H is taking proper steps to address his issues.

Yesterday he called me a cuntSad

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:36

He hasn't threatened. Psychological harm. I should contact my idva

OP posts:
Helloitsmeee · 28/12/2016 16:36

I was also going to say, why would they take him away? What would he be arrested for?

BatFacedGirl · 28/12/2016 16:36

You should not be putting up with abuse from this man and don't listen to posters trying to minimise this with stupid statements like ' he called you a name?'

Have your plan in place and leave this horrible man. But don't call 999 unless there is more to this

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 16:36

EA is open to interpretation.... abusive behaviour to one person might not be abusive to another

What's he done? You say he called you a 'cunt'

Sidge · 28/12/2016 16:37

You're obviously in a bad way and I really feel for you, but the police can only arrest and remove him if he's committed an offence. They can't just remove him from his own home on your say-so.

Emotional abuse is grounds for divorce and you don't have to tolerate it but it's not really a 999 issue.

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 16:38

bat 'he called you a name' was clearly a question......not a statement. Hence the question mark

Original poster
Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:38

I do feel he's unhinged. He has threatened to strangle me before and threatened me with a weapon and intimidation. I phoned women's aid and that's how SS became involved

OP posts:
Fallonjamie · 28/12/2016 16:38

There are new laws around 'coercive control' but EA in itself isn't an existing criminal offence. And unless there is an immediate threat, it isn't a 999 matter.

NewNNfor2017 · 28/12/2016 16:39

EA can be a criminal matter but it's not a crime that requires an emergency response.
You are not in danger of immediate, serious harm and you are not being prevented from removing yourself from the situation.

If you want to get away from him - the expectation will be that you leave. If you think he'll be violent, then you can ask for police support you do so.
Otherwise, you'll need to report the EA to police either in person or via the non-emergency number and they will prioritise it accordingly.

loobyloo1234 · 28/12/2016 16:39

I don't think you should call 999 for an EA incident. Has he been physical OP? You are better off finding the courage and tell him to leave as the police would only be helping you short term anyway

SheSparkles · 28/12/2016 16:40

For the love of God, as someone who answers police 999s, call 999.
Verbal domestic abuse is as much a crime as physical. I'm in Scotland so the actual law will be named something different from in Emglamd, but ANY kind of domestic abuse is dealt with as a very high priority crime in Scotland.

OP PLEASE call 999, you will be taken very seriously.

Thes rest of you, I know you're well meaning but saying it's not a police or 999 matter is putting people like the OP and her children at high risk of harm

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 16:41

Harm from what sparkles? What's he done?

Spacecadet14 · 28/12/2016 16:41

If you dial 999 the police will want to know what he's doing right this moment that is making you fear for your safety and that of your DC before they come out. If calling them isn't an option, can you get yourself and DC out of the house on some pretext of popping to shops/visiting friend, then get yourself to a safe place?

loobyloo1234 · 28/12/2016 16:41

SheSparkles

We don't know what he has said yet? How can you say call 999 when we don't know what he has actually done? Confused

Fallonjamie · 28/12/2016 16:42

I've called 999 for the same thing in England and was told it is not an emergency and to call 101.

Abecedario · 28/12/2016 16:43

EA most certainly is illegal:

report-it.org.uk/domestic_abuse1

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-psychological-abuse-law-a6789271.html%3Famp?client=safari

I'm not clear on whether it's a 999 issue though, perhaps try the non emergency line first? Although of course if you've been told previously by police or SS to call 999 then you should follow that advice.

Do you feel in any immediate danger right now? If so can you get out/away somewhere and buy yourself some time/avoid the DC experiencing anything more upsetting.

1horatio · 28/12/2016 16:44

What has he done? Not half a year ago but today?

Calling you a cunt isn't enough for the police to take him away.

However, he sounds abusive and you should protect yourself and leave him!!

lovelearning · 28/12/2016 16:46

He has got physical and threatening before

OP: If you can't get through to the domestic abuse hotline, call 101.

The police will pick you and your children up and take you to a refuge.

Original poster
Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:47

He publicly humiliated me today. People were looking

FML

OP posts:
SheSparkles · 28/12/2016 16:48

It doesn't matter what name he actually called her, it's the context in which it's done. It is abusive.
I honestly am shaking my head in disbelief that so many people are minimising verbal abuse.
OP I'm sorry you don't live in Scotland (that is, if you don't!) Police Scotland treat domestic abuse as a very high priority crime, whether it be physical, verbal or mental, it is abuse and no one has to put up with it.
I would NEVER tell anyone reporting domestic abuse on the 999 to call 101, for those of you it's happened to, it's so very very wrong

NotStoppedAllDay · 28/12/2016 16:48

Then make plans to leave

How are ss happy to leave children with a violent parent though? Do they actually know he's been violent before?

Fallonjamie · 28/12/2016 16:49

The form of EA which constitutes 'coercive control' is a criminal offence. Other forms of EA are not at this point.

NormaSmuff · 28/12/2016 16:49

dont ask here just do it op

Waltermittythesequel · 28/12/2016 16:50

The police won't come and take him away for calling you names and anyone who told you they will is talking shite.

Leave him. He's abusive.

But don't phone 999 unless it's physical or he's currently threatening to be physical.

Abecedario · 28/12/2016 16:50

More numbers here as you said you couldn't get through to hotline:

www.gov.uk/report-domestic-abuse