Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Please give me courage to call 999 and leave H

209 replies

Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 16:05

Please. I have already put a tag marker on my number for 999.

Yesterday and today he's been a nasty bully to me, in front of the dc, and today in public and in front of the dc at the supermarket. He's on medication and is on a course for partners who DA. He's also supposed to have self referred for counselling for his MH but has yet to. I'm worried for my dc seeing the police take their daddy away in the police car. I don't want them to see that.
SS are already involved as they needed to check if the dc are OK and not being effected. SS have said they have no concerns for the dc after speaking with them (nor do the school) and as H is taking proper steps to address his issues.

Yesterday he called me a cuntSad

OP posts:
Helloitsmeee · 28/12/2016 20:31

Yes they asked him to leave but he refused so they asked me. I was so desperate to get away from him I did. I was later advised by my solicitor that I shouldn't have but at the time I felt I had no choice,

Iris65 · 28/12/2016 20:35

Myoriginal3,
What you are doing is quite common in survivors of domestic violence - I know, I am one myself. Describing the OP's experience as one of 'being offended because your husband called you a cunt yesterday' is minimisation.
The OP appears to me as a woman who has been abused for a long time and is in fear for her wellbeing and that of her child.
I am sorry that you had a bad experience with police response to your own abuse. That should never be a reason to predict how the police will respond to this situation.
My own experience - as described above - was very different. The current climate is one of intervention and support. I was in an airport in the U.K. the other day and the toilet cubicle I was in had a phone number for women or girls to call who were being abused. It was the same number for those being trafficked, modern day slavery, being taken out or returned from FGM , and forced marriages. That is how seriously domestic abuse is treated.
OP make the call. I was terrified and had no idea how I would manage as a lone parent or keep myself safe but I did it without family and with few friends.

Keremy · 28/12/2016 20:35

Fair enough Notstopped I'm just responding to the details in the op about two days off being nasty to her and bullying followed by later posts that he had threatened violence on other occasions.

I apologise if I'm jumping in with both feet. Its just it took me ten years to leave ex who was verbally/emotionally/physically/sexually abusive and i too massively minimised.

Given the doubt he had forced into my mind about people not believing me, that I was to blame etc etc then reading posts like some on here would have made me question if he was right.

Luckily a decade ago when I posted for advice Mumsnet helped me get the hell out of there. I'm still living with horrendous anxiety and zero confidence a result of the EA ten years on.

funnyandwittyusername · 28/12/2016 20:36

No one is minimising. They are simply trying to counter explain some of the pure bollocks that has been posted, to try and prepare the OP that it is likely the police will not be able to do much in the set of circumstances unique to her as she has described them. If you really are a call taker you'd be aware of that.

Posters have stated she'll be helped off to a refuge- not as she's described it she wont. She's been told he'll be restrained/arrested- again not in these circumstances. It's about getting the right help for her. The police MAY not be, unless there is more to this

forumdonkey · 28/12/2016 20:54

Funny - great post.

There are posters who far from minimizing, are being completely upfront and realistic based on facts and personal experience. There are many posters who often post from what they think. A thread like this is not opinion based and I have repeatedly said ,fme it would be detrimental if police turned up to a calm man playing with his kids. All he'd have to do is deny saying what he has, then what?

Natsku · 28/12/2016 21:03

OP I hope you are ok. I've been in an EA relationship and it is really really hard to leave but 999 won't help you right now, even if you know his pattern and know that's escalating, the police won't know that and will just judge by what they see in front of them. I would try to make plans to leave while he is out of the house, I know how hard it is to make the choice to leave, I waited until my DD got hurt and I really regret waiting that long - don't wait that long. Call Woman's Aid or 101 and get some help but 999 really won't help the situation, only make it worse most likely (unless you can be sure he'll kick off violently if the police arrive but its doubtful if they'll even attend for this)

Dawndonnaagain · 28/12/2016 21:04

I phoned 999 in May. He was arrested for coercive and controlling behaviour. The police were amazing.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 28/12/2016 21:15

Hi there OP,

We hope you don't mind us jumping in, but your thread has been reported a few times by other Mumsnetters who are concerned about you. We can see you're getting some support on your thread, but here are some more links that might also be useful for accessing support irl.

We also just wanted to remind MNetters that this isn't AIBU, and to try and be kind to the OP and each other.

Flowers for you OP, wishing you the best.

Original poster
Kitkat47 · 28/12/2016 22:03

Thank you kindly, MNHQ and concerned posters.

As a few of you have stated, yes, there is a lot more to this. My call to 999 wasn't only meant to "just" report him name calling.

This afternoon I felt very upset, a bit unnerved, desperate and a bit bloody hopeless tbh. H publicly humiliated me at the supermarket today. It's too exhausting to give all the details - right now I feel too emotionally exhausted.

While I was on here earlier this afternoon, sitting on my bed, H walked in and kissed me on the head - to say sorry? I'm so confused because sometimes he can be so nice.

There are a few good reasons why SS and the school have "no immediate concerns".. One of them being the school were shocked when SS contacted them - I'm not sure why they were shocked - it could be because my dc is a fantastic student and has already made all the targets for their school year or it could perhaps be because our family "aren't the usual clientele they see involved with SS" - my GP's words to me. There's another couple of factors too, both of which concern H being proactive with addressing his "issues".

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 28/12/2016 22:16

The kindness is to confuse you. To keep you there. It's what abusers do.

hmmmum · 28/12/2016 22:20

It sounds like he is really messing with your head OP and is good at appearing normal and nice to others. Would contacting people like Women's Aid be better for you than the police, as they might have a deeper understanding of EA and be better placed to support you out of this situation?
I really feel for you, it's so awful you're going through this, sending you best wishes that you will be disentangled from all of this, and you and your children kept safe.
You're worth so much more than how this man treats you. Don't let him inform how you feel about yourself. I hope you get away from his poison very soon. For him to kiss you on the head and normalise how he treated you in the supermarket makes it even worse. He shouldn't ever ever humiliate you. He should be showing everyone in public how much he esteems you. You are worth far far more than this.

forumdonkey · 28/12/2016 22:21

You need to get out OP. Addressing his issues? How long is a piece of string? He can attend every counselling session etc and still be abusive but he'll still be addressing them. I picked up a call from my exh counsellor the night he was arrreseted and took away. I never asked what they talked about but I was angry that he had 'excuses' from her for his behaviour.

You need now to make a plan to leave and do report but have a comprehensive list of the things he's doing and saying. You will also see you're not going mad and imagining it, when he's creeping around you.

If he ever becomes violent with you or your property or starts screaming and abusive dial 999.

Gallavich · 28/12/2016 22:28

If I'm completely honest, social workers know full well that abusers 'addressing their issues' means jack shit in the scheme of things but if a mother won't leave then it's the only option we have, apart from instigating care proceedings which a) needs threshold to be met b) is a last resort and c) wouldn't be successful if the man was plausibly 'addressing his issues' so the fact that social services have agreed to the children staying doesn't mean they think it's safe, it means they have no mandate to insist otherwise.

Cocacolaandchocolate · 28/12/2016 22:51

Op have you called your IDVA? Do you have a safety plan?

Remember that you can call women's aid at any time. They will support you and children to leave.
The nice behaviour after treating you so terribly earlier is a tactic that prepatrators use.

I work in children services and one question I asked a family recently,
who are in a emotionally abusive relationship with each other is ,'is this how you wish your children's relationships to be when they are your age'. Op if you want sometime to share with please feel free to pm me.

Starlight2345 · 28/12/2016 23:00

Op...

I think from all you have said ( and understandably not said) you do need to get out..

Does DH work, it may be a safer time to get out of the house with the children. The little glimpses of "nicemess" are to keep you hooked in, make you feel if you respond differently you may get this nice response..It is all control.

mortificado · 28/12/2016 23:31

I phoned 999 in May. He was arrested for coercive and controlling behaviour. The police were amazing.

That's what I was going to say. (Obviously not in may) but this is what it is. I had to phone 999 and he wasn't arrested instantly but had to go voluntarily for an interview. (2minths ago) still waiting in a decision) you need to do something. You cannot live like this

MiscellaneousAssortment · 28/12/2016 23:36

Instead of telling a clearly upset and vulnerable OP that she has no reason to call 999, maybe we could find out a bit more?

It's common for people who are being abused to have trouble articulating what is wrong, as their sense of boundaries, acceptable behavior and what is right or wrong has all been messed up by the abuse itself.

Victims of abuse need support and the space to share what's happening, and encouragement to start unraveling the confusing and cruel manipulation and resolve it into a way of explaining what's happening right now.

Given the context, I don't think posters saying 'if the OP wants to leave, then leave' is at all helpful. Or the one-up-man-ship of whos been through worse abuse than the OP... not terribly helpful either.

I absolutely agree that if the OP calls 999 and can't explain that she feels in real danger right that moment, then the police won't be able to do much in that moment. But some of the other comments on here are potentially closing down a persons attempts to disclose abuse and label it as wrong... and I can't see how that could ever be helpful, supportive or kind.

Baylisiana · 28/12/2016 23:48

OP, do not be confused by him. You are right to be determined to leave. Let's try and move away from the debaye a out what number to call, so that you can get some practical advice from people here about how to get yourself away from him.

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 00:21

OP I am so sorry you are goo g through this. Please find a way out. However nice he may be, from time to time, does not make up for the shit he has put you through.

Please get safe. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 00:21

going through

MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/12/2016 00:22

I agree Bay. KitKat, how would your life change practically if DP wasn't in it anymore?

Breaking down each gap wil help you work out how to bridge it... and also on an emotional level, I promise you'll be amazed how easy life is when you're not being sucked dry and having to battle against all of abusiveness.

Ps. I'm somewhat of an expert when it comes to being left with massive debts... if you're up to thinking about it I can share what I ended up doing when fucker husband left me with 25k debt amongst other things...

lovelearning · 29/12/2016 01:00

I've packed a bag.

OP.

If necessary, you and your children will be taken to a refuge.

Call 101.

pregnantat50 · 29/12/2016 01:06

Ok, so if OP needs police or protective involvement tonight to ensure either

a) she and the children can safely leave
b) they can supervise as OPS DH leaves.

What telephone number would ensure that the police attend tonight to ensure no more abuse (emotional or physical occurs)

The reason I ask is when I have had the need to call 101 in the past, it takes ages to get through, ages for them to call you back, and they are unlikely to attend that night

lovelearning · 29/12/2016 01:48

Victims of domestic abuse often minimise what they are going through.

I have taken a number of calls where the caller reports something relatively minor in relation to domestic abuse, yet when the police arrive and complete the risk assessment they disclose a wide range of offences that they have minimised.... Because they have been controlled to such an extent that they think it is no big deal, their fault etc.

Controlling, coercive , abusive, threatening behaviour is an offence.

Taking 999 calls, which are taken by the same people that take 101 calls, I often would tell people to ring 101 if they have called 999 and it is not an emergency. If the caller rang 999 and described some of what she has said here and that he was still in the house I would not be telling her to ring 101, I would deal with it on a 999 line.

Perfectlypurple, Police dispatcher.

OP.

Call 999.

Keremy · 29/12/2016 07:46

Everything MiscellaneousAssortment said better than me because i was upset.

101 is not safe to call. I know people on hold for ages and ages or not getting through at all.

If the abuser comes home and catches her that could be disastrous.

Lets also remember many abusers start off as EA and later become physical.

Op please speak to your dv support as soon as you can or ring women's aid if you need to get out now.