My brother who I don't speak to had a heart attack and is in hospital. Do I go to see him?

[PicnicBunny]

I left home when I was 16. My Mother and Brother and family were pretty strict religious and traditional family. I was not a bad kid, got straight As and planned to go to Uni. Being muslim, this was going to be a no no... I left when my brother who was 10 years older than me beat me up many times, and finally till I was unconscious. I left home. Went through university, got my life together and 22 years later... here it is. My cousin told me he is in hospital, and I have no idea what to do. Family... has he changed... when we were much younger, there were times before the fights when I adored him as an older brother. hmmm have been thinking about this all day. I found out this morning. To make matters worse, my husband is having a go at me to go and see him.

Try to put yourself on a piece of paper in the middle. Just draw yourself.
Then draw out on either side of you, how you will feel if you go and how you will feel if you don't.

Am I causing someone more harm?
No, you are not responsible for how your brother feels. You have sent a message because this is what you want to do and are able to do and they need to accept that.

My husband believes you do things because 'it's the right thing to do' type, and I've always been a more 'If it feels right then I'll do it.' We have always fundamentally disagreed on this, on many things, but I 'feel' that he means well. I call it two facedness, and consider it fake.... LONG story, but this isn't the first time. He's not even doing it for religious reasons, he feels bad how my cousin called him crying while i was in the shower, he said he was asked to go, and it hit a nerve. He said he wished he had avoided the call, but

oh anyway... i will stay on here. my head is spinning with thoughts of my brother with his chest open. The docs are leaving his chest open, some failure with the machine...

I really want him to make it. I hope some miracle will occur. Do I go so I don't regret it?

After this situation, i may be writing more posts about my husband!!!!!

Do I go so I don't regret it?
Only you can decide, but in a similar situation I didn't go and I didn't regret it.

Also consider this: what if you go, he pulls through, is still his abusive old self and you have now been sucked into having contact with him again. Are you prepared to run that risk ?

I've always been a more 'If it feels right then I'll do it.'
Trust what you feel, and keep remember this, stay true to yourself.

It must be so hard to feel so torn. I'm sorry your husband is not loyal to you above all others.

You need to learn to assert your own wishes,not husband,not family,not society. Doesn't need to be a big confrontation,or a thing- just quiet strength.

OP, you know this is all about your family doing all they can to try and get your brother into heaven by making sure he has your forgiveness for past deeds.

Your brother might also be thinking the same.

Only you can decide what to do and I don't envy you one bit because regardless of what you decide you'll still be here having to put up with your extended family.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this turmoil op xx

So sorry you are going through this OP. You have done nothing wrong by not going, it is totally up to you. Don't feel pressurised by anyone. You could equally feel regretful if you do go and questions are left unanswered. Go only if you feel you want to and if you don't that's absolutely fine. Good luck with whatever you decide x

OP

I sympathise with you.

My younger brother tried to kill me which led to me running away from home to protect myself.
Nobody in my family would discuss it, acknowledge it or even admit that it had a big impact on me.

You know what it's like in some asian families - if you don't behave like a 'good muslim' then you deserve everything bad that happens to you.
Therefore, they will never give any validation to your feelings or thoughts.
They would rather ignore it until it's shoved in their faces, and then they come out with the 'oh but it's your brother' 'you're not behaving like a muslim' blah blah blah.....

What happened to you MATTERS. It DID happen and they all IGNORED IT.

I don't do two faced politeness. But fear this is one of those turning points in my life where my spiritual growth takes many steps backwards

I've found that as long as i remain true to myself, my spiritual growth remains positive.

This means quite often being the only dissenting voice in the crowd, never getting any validation or support, only having myself to rely on.

I've realised that even when they know i'm right about something - they will never admit it.
Any admission would seem like they're 'condoning' my westernised lifestyle and choices.

i was lucky i had the opportunity to sort it out with my bro and he's now the closer to me than the other siblings.

I would be very blunt with them - "You stood back and did nothing when i was almost killed by him - so you have NO RIGHT telling me to do ANYTHING".

I doubt he was asking for you, it sounds like the sentimental bullshit they always come out with to emotionally blackmail you into acquiescing.

My advice would be to first be clear on what YOU want from any interaction with him or other members of your family.
Do you want an apology/acknowledgement/remorse from any of them? I doubt they will give you that.
Do you want to look him in the eyes and tell him anything?

People can change but you don't know if he has.

In that situation, i think i would only want to see him to say goodbye - not because i think i owe him anything, but because i need closure from the past.
Knowing me, my only conversation would be along the lines of "i haven't forgotten what you did to me, but i'm here in case you want to make amends now that we're older? If not, then i wish you a peaceful journey into the afterlife"

So decide whether YOU want acknowledgement or closure regards to him and the past.
That will help you decide whether to go see him or not, and how to handle any communication.
If you feel you don''t want to go then that's fine - you are NOT letting yourself down in any way.
I think it takes a lot more courage to remain true to yourself, and i know that my Creator understands me perfectly so would never judge/punish me looking after my own being and welfare.

i recall my teacher once telling me that i may not always be right, but as long as i do what feels right for me, i can't go wrong
That advice has come in use a million times over.

Picnicbunny I think you are in a totally shit situation made much worse by your spineless husband and your meddling cousins and mum.

Thisthingcalledlife has written an excellent post and in your shoes I would take her words to heart.

If I am offer my own perspective as a Christian, a feminist and a woman.

IMHO forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the aggrieved person (you in this case), it is a way of cutting off the past and saying that you will not allow it to control you anymore. If you are truly at this point, you can forgive your brother.

If so, you can do this in your heart, in your head, you can tell him, write him or simply never mention it.

It is for you, and if you have any religious beliefs then it would also be 'for God'.

As a feminist I am continually appalled at the evil done to women by male members of their own families and sometimes sanctioned by other females, it is revolting.

As one woman to another I would say do what you, in your own heart, wish to do. Do it and say to yourself whatever the future holds you will stick by your choice to go or not to go.

Seriously, what loss is it to you of the man who beat you unconscious? He made a choice to do that as an adult to a child. If he lives or if he dies, seriously, what importance is it to you? Now to explain that to others would be hard, and painful, why should you have to explain this.

If I were you, I would be seriously very upset by the actions of this weak husband. Any future discussion of this would be on my own terms.

I would also be furious with mum and cousins. It is none of their business what you choose to do. I have no idea how many of these family members know your history. Whether you choose to tell them or not is your choice.

IMHO you need to develop a broken record "I will not be visiting my brother." Or "I may visit my brother but I will not be discussing it with you." Do not be afraid to put the phone down on them.

In a short while you may be faced with whether or not to attend a funeral. Again do as you wish. You have one life. This evil man nearly took your life from you, the fact he failed is not done to his wise judgment but just down to luck.

To be honest Fuck Karma, you are responsible to yourself, be true to yourself.

PicnicBunny I feel I must reply to your post of 00:28:45

The reality is that the man who was your brother when you were young became the man you were beaten unconscious by. When you mourn for his condition or death, if you do, it will be for that younger brother who was so full of promise. This may be a good reason not to visit him but instead to remember him as he once was, if you choose to.

"They are making me say things now to my husband, that I would not say about any dying person." OP You can say as you choose, your husband is the once who has forced this by going behind your back to visit your brother.

"And he is on some moral high horse about forgiveness and holding onto hate" He cannot make you forgive your brother, that is abuse on his part, make it clear you will not discuss it.

"When i wasn't holding onto hate!!!!! before!!! but is that what I am doing?"

No, you are not, you are preserving your self, which we are all entitled to do.

"Am I a bitter person?"

No, you have been very hurt (physically and emotionally) by someone who should have loved and protected you, your response is normal.

" I feel like I am numbing myself. Sociopathic...? right? it's really tearing me apart, that picture of how it could have been, and my only brother dying. The cousins have got to me!"

You are not a sociopath, if you feel numb it is because you are trying to cope with an intolerable situation.

This fucking situation is not of your making, your brother made this happen and now all your family, and your own husband, are compounding the hurt by forcing you into a position you do not feel comfortable with!

"My husband probably hasn't got the emotions behind the story. It's just a story. It's easier for him to let it go."

Of course it is easier for him to let it go, it did not happen to him. Let him be repeatedly beaten by someone he loved, beaten unconscious and then see how quickly he wants to be coerced into changing how he feels about his attacker.

I really feel you must do what is right for you.

ONLY you know what is best for you. Find a quiet place and think about how you feel. Your brother made his choices all those years ago, you must make your own choice now.

Thinking of you.

I doubt he was asking for you, it sounds like the sentimental bullshit they always come out with to emotionally blackmail you into acquiescing

Yes. I also thought so. In fact I had a picture of my beloved sister in law flash through my mind when reading that part of the post. I can just imagine her and her friends, the familiy, saying something like that in order to get forgiveness for someone who is unwell.

Thank you to you all. It's late, or early and I've been in and out of sleep - half dreaming and worrying too what may have happened. Waking up to check my phone to see any messages.

I really appreciate your advice, sorry I can't name you all, this scroll doesn't work on my phone. But every line you write, makes perfect sense and you have understood my feelings perfectly.

This thing called life - you understood. The Asian family think it's normal, accepting the patriarchy bullshit - another passage of our evolution to be beaten senseless. I still feel the fear, and can feel being dragged across the carpet and the rage and my face swollen up and bleeding. And my family watching.
Because I had applied to go to the sixth form, and not finish as the other girls and work at the factory, like my older sister.

Sometimes I think the western world does not understand what us 'moderate muslims' went through to become so moderate. Well, not all, I'm sure other families adapted better and more of it is culture than religion. I don't blame the religion.

I do blame people like my brother for staining the religion. I have come back to it later, the spiritual side and it has given me peace.

I know my brother mellowed later in life as his daughters have gone on to study, and leave home and get jobs and not marry, breaking convention. I have heard in the past that he told a cousin he was sorry for what he did to me - and the strict code he had used.

It hurts that the family think it was nothing.
My husband and I practice a sort of alliance of two individuals really, and I normally enjoy him having his own freedom to follow his conscience rather than being 'loyal' . What is that?
If a man is dying and his conscience pulls him to see him, I do not want to hold him back.

He has done that in the past, and when it comes to deaths, he feels quite differently than I do. He 'pays respect' . I really respect his opinion usually that's why this feels like I am doing it wrong. If he stood by me on this occasion I would not feel so confused. But when he came back he listened, and was quiet and is not asking me to go, but that he will look after the kids should I wish to go. We have two boys, one baby who will be 1 year old and suffering with a cold.

This thread has helped me to listen to my own voice above the others.
My sisters text did say, I understand if you can't come but pray for him. He will not make it.

I will remember the good person he was - and at times my hero while I was growing up, in between the monster, and pay respect, honour those memories quietly, and lovingly in my own way.

OP I think people are forgetting in all this what it might do to you to visit him.

He beat you till you were unconscious. I find it hard to see my brother at family events simply because he was a bit of a bully when I was a child and it brings back the old feelings of powerlessness and lack of self worth. But this is a million times worse for you. To see again someone who hate you so much that he beat you unconscious, well that would bring up so many feelings that you have spent 20 years getting over.

Convey to your husband that yes it's good to do the right thing but that he needs to do the right thing by you, that you are still that girl who worshipped her brother and who nearly died at his hands. Emphasise how it made you feel and that this isn't about bestowing or withholding foregiveness out of spite but out of a desire to not have to face your abuser and dredge up all those painful feelings from the past.

Sometimes I think the western world does not understand what us 'moderate muslims' went through to become so moderate.

Well we probably don't although many of us have had our own strand of patriarchal and religious BS to fight against albeit in a far more watered down form.

I don't mean to sound mushy but please be proud of yourself that you've gone through that process with such strength and have made the world that your kids will grow up in a safer and freer one.

He is no Muslim if he behaves like that to you. Why do people confuse violence with Islam so much?

OP, I would not see him.

Sometimes I think the western world does not understand what us 'moderate muslims' went through to become so moderate

I do. I married into Islam almost 40 years ago. Ive seen it all really.

My brother is, was..? the type who wanted to bring a stricter code back. My parents were not like that, and my dad died while we were very young. It's not religious or anything to do with religion. Women were controlled a lot more 20 years ago in minority communities with misunderstood translation of scriptures . Almost every other family I know were different to ours. My brother dominated and that is why I will not go. It was because of him that I had no family for all these years, and you know.., when you graduate, get married, buy a house... Have kids ... And your family is not there, that is truly soul shattering. My mother came to my wedding only, with a disgusted face, and some money tucked in her purse as a gift. He not only did that at the time, but afterwards being robbed of family was a different kind of cold and calculated torture.

Hard to explain to anyone in real life, as they feel it was the 'sacrifice' I made for choosing to study, or work or become independent.

He tried to destroy my life. I can say that on here. My children do not know my family because he made sure they stayed away, and they chose to stick by him. Everyone slowly drifted away later, they are not close.

Wow, it does feel like I have more issues than I thought. I have tried to get counselling years ago, and it didn't work. The cultural difference are quite complex. There's only so much letting go you can do, and still hear of your sisters wedding which you have been told you cannot attend. It's hard to summarise years of systematic 'outcasting'

• I feel better a little now. My decision was based on many hours and days of careful analysis.

And you know what, fuck it! Who knows if I will regret, I'm sure I will. Nothing can be guaranteed.

Thanks to you all. I am not sure if I will be back on this thread. But do feel more determined to stick to my feelings on this.

I don't think you'll regret it.

I wish you every happiness picnic

I said upthread it has to be your decision. My dad died a few years ago..He was abusive. I didn't know he was dying and found out from my sister by accident 18 months later. I had nothing to say to the man. I don't care he is dead in fact the world feels a safer place. It meant a chapter of my life could never be reopened.

You seem much stronger in your decision today. You can only do what you feel is right for you.