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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother who I don't speak to had a heart attack and is in hospital. Do I go to see him?

181 replies

PicnicBunny · 26/12/2016 20:39

I left home when I was 16. My Mother and Brother and family were pretty strict religious and traditional family. I was not a bad kid, got straight As and planned to go to Uni. Being muslim, this was going to be a no no... I left when my brother who was 10 years older than me beat me up many times, and finally till I was unconscious. I left home. Went through university, got my life together and 22 years later... here it is. My cousin told me he is in hospital, and I have no idea what to do. Family... has he changed... when we were much younger, there were times before the fights when I adored him as an older brother. hmmm have been thinking about this all day. I found out this morning. To make matters worse, my husband is having a go at me to go and see him.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 26/12/2016 21:19

Having known two muslin women, who went through what you did, I would say no. Just because he's had a heart attack it doesn't necessarily mean it's life threatening or he's at deaths door.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 26/12/2016 21:26

Don't get me going about my husband! He thinks he has some spiritual wisdom.... Let go.... forgive..... find inner peace....more like amnesia!

OP posts:
user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 21:41

I am muslim have six sisters.never hit any of them .have a daughter want let anyone hit her brothers or otherwise.
Anyway ill advise u to go and visit ur brother im siure he will sorry and regret but never cut your relations we are not allowed .visiting a sick is a duty must it will open lot of bridges for you and the person that forgives is the best

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2016 21:55

Bollocks
You have no duty to someone who attacked you
You are "allowed" not to see him
Also, have a good look at your relationship with your husband - anoyine who thinks you are simply being " stubborn" is not supportive

user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 22:01

I think the husband is nice wise guy just want sis and brother to reconsile good guy

CatBallou2 · 26/12/2016 22:01

If you are still a practising muslim and are struggling to decide what to do because of your religion, would it be a good idea to speak to a worship leader, who can offer you support? Would this help?

If this had happened to me, I don't think I would visit him, even though I do follow a faith that would expect me to forgive.

Is not an easy one to deal with.

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2016 22:04

He's a good guy for pressuring his wife to get back in contact with the man who assaulted her?
Are you of the opinion that a "good " Muslim girl puts up with this shit?

user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 22:05

Good a muslim imam will tell her to go bc thats how we muslim think its wrong of him is not allowed but if she wants to dorgive is the best deed she will be so up there value wise

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/12/2016 22:07

Your husband needs to grow a pair.

Don't contact your brother, if he wanted to apologise he would have done years ago. He hasn't.
It's not your duty to visit him, cutting him off allowed you to have the life you have today.

Don't lose sight of that.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 26/12/2016 22:07

Don't get me going about my husband! He thinks he has some spiritual wisdom.... Let go.... forgive..... find inner peace....more like amnesia!

I know this kind of forgiveness is so very hard for most of us to reach.
I like the saying "forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace" This is as far as I've got to at the moment.

I've recently been watching interviews with Tina Turner, she spent years in an abusive marriage, she has forgiven him, shes very spiritual a Buddhist

user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 22:07

No as i said had 6 sis never hit any have a dc wont let anyone hit her. A muslim girl shoul try to forgive if she can and want

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/12/2016 22:08

You don't represent all Muslims User

user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 22:12

No i dont but as i said our life is so short the hereafter more important .forgive now get a big reward later life is too short later life is forever

ComedyBoobs · 26/12/2016 22:12

OP, does your DH have 6 sisters?

sonjadog · 26/12/2016 22:12

I think it depends. First of all, how serious is this? Is he likely to pull through or is this your last chance to see him? If so, how important is it for you to take it?

Secondly, what do you think will happen afterwards? Can you go back to your normal life or will you be sucked back into the life you left behind again?

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/12/2016 22:13

Life will be even shorter if your own brother beats you unconscious Hmm

Starlight2345 · 26/12/2016 22:14

What do you want op????

How will you feel if he dies and you have not spoken to him.

These are the things for you to consider.. no one can tell you what is right or wrong.

Madshiplollipop · 26/12/2016 22:14

He beat you up? Nope. No reconciliation there. If it was just a falling out that took on a life of its own, probably, yes. But he beat you up? No.

ladylambkin · 26/12/2016 22:15

I would say go and see him however it is important that you make your own decision to do what you want to do

Dowser · 26/12/2016 22:15

No

Definitely not

kawla · 26/12/2016 22:15

Well I'm Muslim but tbh I don't think religion has anything to do with this Especially uni?! Never heard of Muslims not allowing daughters to go to uni especially as religion encourages education. Anyway, I think you should think carefully if it's worth it to see him or not. You might feel like you want to. If I was you, I wouldn't though, I feel hitting a woman is beyond disgusting and I would not forgive my brother/family if they did anything like that.
PS: tell them to stop saying its all Islam's fault because it's definitely not. That is the problem with people mixing culture with religion. I am a British Muslim with dual Libyan nationality. Culture is different everywhere we go but religion is the same and we shouldn't blame "strange" cultural theories on religion as its two different things.

Allalonenow · 26/12/2016 22:15

I'd say no, don't go.

He was an older brother, who should have been protecting you, not beating you unconscious. You don't owe him anything, least of all your forgiveness for such a dreadful act of betrayal.

AliceInHinterland · 26/12/2016 22:17

Comedy living up to your name!

ovenchips · 26/12/2016 22:18

It certainly doesn't sound like you owe your brother anything, so I think this is one of those occasions where you can stop listening to others, their oinions and expectations and follow your own feelings.

If it feels right to you to visit him, do it. If it feels right to you not to visit him, do it.

It doesn't matter, in a sense, what decision you make, as long as it corresponds with your feelings rather than working against them.

If you can manage to quieten the opinions of others in your head, you'll come up with the right answer for you.

reader77 · 26/12/2016 22:20

Being Muslim has nothing to do with this. Please don't perpetuate stereotypes by saying it is. This is cultural not religious.

I'd say go with your heart and what is right for you: what you will be able to live with.

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