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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother who I don't speak to had a heart attack and is in hospital. Do I go to see him?

181 replies

PicnicBunny · 26/12/2016 20:39

I left home when I was 16. My Mother and Brother and family were pretty strict religious and traditional family. I was not a bad kid, got straight As and planned to go to Uni. Being muslim, this was going to be a no no... I left when my brother who was 10 years older than me beat me up many times, and finally till I was unconscious. I left home. Went through university, got my life together and 22 years later... here it is. My cousin told me he is in hospital, and I have no idea what to do. Family... has he changed... when we were much younger, there were times before the fights when I adored him as an older brother. hmmm have been thinking about this all day. I found out this morning. To make matters worse, my husband is having a go at me to go and see him.

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 29/12/2016 23:15

He's a small loss to the world. I am sorry for your hurt and pain however.

Cricrichan · 29/12/2016 23:17

How are you op? Your brother did you a serious wrong. Do not feel guilty and don't let anybody make you feel guilty. but if you want to see him then go and see him. Do whatever makes you feel better xx

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 29/12/2016 23:17

i was stronger before all this badgering

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 29/12/2016 23:30

Would it help to list the possible pros and cons of going? Help you through your thoughts?
I'm sorry, what an awful situation for you, I really couldn't say what I'd do in your position, want closure possibly?

GimmeeMoore · 29/12/2016 23:35

I sense you know what you want to do, but feel a societal expectation to turn up and be accommodating and not raise the past. To do this,you'd have to bury your past experience and ignore how it made you feel. He will get treatment and follow up in community - you're not obliged to reach out to him because of heart attack

GentleOnMyMind · 29/12/2016 23:50

I don't think there is a right or wrong decision here so just do what feels right for you Flowers

Mistletoekids · 29/12/2016 23:53

What cricridhan said

Don't go

GeekLove · 30/12/2016 00:08

It looks like you have had an attack of the flying monkeys. Would I be right in believing that you don't want to go? If so don't not just because of your brother but because of the rest of your family. What have they done for you. Sounds like they spectated when they could have helped you. Birth family is just an accident of genetics after all not a reflection of your character.

Is it possible that your husband doesn't know the whole backstory between you and your brother? If so that is the only reason why I wouldn't be seriously reconsidering the future of your relationship. Seems almost he should have married your brother!

Mamaka · 30/12/2016 00:16

Just read through your thread (thinking, don't go picnicbunny!) then read your last update. Really sorry to read that your dB us unlikely to make it, it must make it all even more confusing. How are you feeling?

Mamaka · 30/12/2016 00:21

Personally I don't think that seeing him in the flesh would have made the blindest bit of difference. What might help you feel better is to pray for his soul's progress (in this world and the next). He did not treat you well (or others by the sound of it) and it is his own spiritual growth that sounds to be lacking, not yours.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 30/12/2016 00:28

I've been getting updates from my big sister, which makes it worse. I'm not replying, but it feels like they are making me remember more stuff when really I had said I wish him well, but will not come.

They are making me say things now to my husband, that I would not say about any dying person. And he is on some moral high horse about forgiveness and holding onto hate, When i wasn't holding onto hate!!!!! before!!! but is that what I am doing?

Am I a bitter person? I feel like I am numbing myself. Sociopathic...? right? it's really tearing me apart, that picture of how it could have been, and my only brother dying. The cousins have got to me!
My husband probably hasn't got the emotions behind the story. It's just a story. It's easier for him to let it go.

OP posts:
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 30/12/2016 00:28

so confused right now

OP posts:
TempehTantrum · 30/12/2016 00:31
Flowers Do not feel guilty and don't let anybody make you feel guilty. I'm repeating what Cricrichan said because it's important. Keep remembering that you stayed true to yourself and did what felt right for you, this is all that matters.
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 30/12/2016 00:32

So my brother was told he might not make it, and he cried my name and said i'm not there and he would have liked to see me one lst time!

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 30/12/2016 00:32

Hi picnic. Are you a religious person?

myoriginal3 · 30/12/2016 00:37

The reason I ask is because while I'm more of a heathen than religious, this is an occasion where I possibly would speak with a priest of my childhood religion.
It's a decision that a somewhat objective outsider may shed light on for you?

TempehTantrum · 30/12/2016 00:38

And he is on some moral high horse about forgiveness and holding onto hate, When i wasn't holding onto hate!!!!! before!!! but is that what I am doing?
You can forgive and let go without meeting the person that harmed you. And you are not holding onto hate, otherwise you wouldn't be able to say this:
I had said I wish him well, but will not come.
You are just keeping your distance in order to protect yourself. And you have every reason and right to do that.
Flowers

myoriginal3 · 30/12/2016 00:40

At this point, you are losing nothing by saying goodbye to him.
You still don't have to forgive!
But seeing him might be easier in the long term.
I can't advise really.

GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 00:40

On a Human and spiritual level you can feel for brother and his family regard the poor health and poor prognosis. You can understand the impact this will have. It is permissible to consider your own feelings when you think of your brother and his treatment of you. If you dont want to visit you don't have to,nor do you have to elaborate or explain to family. I would however disclose to your husband what you're able to,what feels safe and manageable. At least tell your husband that there was a significant event it caused you distress and your brother was the perpetrator- up to you how much detail to disclose. You need your husband to understand and support that you're not being churlish or unreasonable. I don't expect all the family will understand your position and they may try exert social/familial pressure on what to do

Not visiting doesn't make you bad,it simply makes you a person who didn't visit for a very good reason

Wotshudwehave4T · 30/12/2016 00:44

if it's true then he's feeling guilty and good that you are not there as you'd probably feel with an audience you'd have to publically forgive him and say it really was fine for him to nearly kill you - or could the family member be making that up? Either way I think you may feel it's best that you are not there. Your DH on the other hand has some explaining to do as to why he felt compelled to go.

HateSummer · 30/12/2016 00:48

Your family didn't practise Islam properly and followed culture. Sorry, but it's true.

I would go and see him and let him ask for your forgiveness. What he did to you was wrong and he must know that. Please go or you'll regret this.

Out of curiosity, is your dh Muslim and from the same culture too?

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 30/12/2016 00:48

I am not religious. More a humanist spiritual truth seeker, so that's clear and sums it up, right? ...but having come from such a strong religious background, it never goes away totally.

I am feeling so shaken with confusion now. Am I causing someone more harm? I didn't mean to at all. I believe in karma, and I don't want to send any message with my absence.Why can't my absence, but message be enough?

OP posts:
GimmeeMoore · 30/12/2016 00:50

Your Absence isn't wishing I'll of your brother,it's a statement of your preference
You'll need to expect resistance and pressure from family
Who can support you right now?

myoriginal3 · 30/12/2016 00:51

Because I suspect your family wants to keep up appearances.

5BlueHydrangea · 30/12/2016 00:54

If you really don't want to go, then don't. At the end of the day now he is pretty much a stranger to you. There has been plenty of time when he could have tried to make it up to you over the years but clearly hasn't been able or willing to.
When you knew him before he was horrid. Now you don't know him.. I would seriously struggle to forgive someone that did that to me. Very extreme too, hardly a minor thing which could be more easily forgiven.

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